Carbon Monoxide. Soon I'll go to sleep.

Okay, so I admit, I am more depressed than I think I have ever been in my life. There are few triggers of this. One that includes an asshole I cannot seem to forget no matter how hard I try. Life was good in New Zealand away from this person for 5 months. I was happy, but ever since I've been home this jerkwad has caused nothing but pain, low self-esteem, and heartache. Granted it wasn't all the SOB's fault. If I could practice self-control I would be okay right now, but I am not the confident woman I try to be. It seems as though I cannot become this confident woman I wish so hard for. I don't know the steps to take to get there at least. I always tell myself if I just read my Bible more often. If I just pray for other people more often. If I just stop eating so much. If I just start working out again on a regular basis. If I could just stop spending my money on useless crap. If, If, If, If, If, If, IF!!!

Another trigger of my depression is friends. I know my worth should not be based on how many friends I have, but damn, I don't have many anymore. You go overseas for awhile and make a bunch of new friends then come home and none of the other ones want to hang out anymore. Mostly because you only talk about the new ones, and mostly because you have changed a lot and your old friends don't so much like the new you, or at least that's what you think. I used to be involved. I used to be committed. Now I'm disconnected and apathetic for the most part. Don't think this is YWAM's fault. Don't blame them. They have been nothing short of amazing in my life. It is of course my fault. I lost my passion somewhere along the way. I seem to have misplaced my value. My integrity has gone missing. All because of me. There's no one to blame here but me for all of this.

Work is a bit stressful, but in no way is it depressing. I just feel worn out at the end of every week. Which is the way you should feel I guess when you have a full-time job. Especially one with children. It's like a taste of motherhood before I'm even dating anywone. It almost turns me off to the whole "I want 3 boys" dream I've always had. Though, I don't think anything could ever turn me off to the whole "I want to get married someday" dream.

Speaking of getting married. That is another depressing factor in my life. Everyone is getting married. Or has already gotten married. I used to be great friends with some of them. After people get married they change. Heck, before people get married they change. I hope that I'm one that doesn't change too much. I still will hopefully answer my phone after I get married. But no worries yet, I don't see that happening for maybe a decade. I'm what you call a "sister" figure to every boy I've ever loved. Or thought I loved. I talked to a nice guy today at a music store on Snelling. I bet as he was talking to me he thought to himself, "she reminds me of my sister." Perhaps I am such a sister-type person because that's all I've ever been. A sister. I used to hang out with the guys and thought nothing of it...up until I started liking guys, then it all went downhill. I'm the type of person who falls in like with someone so quickly. I don't know how it even happens. 2 minutes ago I didn't know you existed, now you're all I can think about. Have I been cursed? Someone lay hands on me and pray now!

I miss the intensity of intercession and worship in New Zealand. I'm glad The Edge is here every so often on Saturdays. I don't know what I'd do without that. Probably become an alcoholic and sleep around. I need to get into the swing of things again. I need to start up a new chapter in my life. I'm almost 22! I have to grow up sometime! Am i right? I need to have the faith of a child, but mature in my faith? How the hell does that even make sense? I mean seriously. God is confusing. All the time. Not just sometimes. All the time. I will never understand Him or know Him. Why even try you might ask, well, when I do try I am a better person. Not all the time. Only a little bit of the time really. Most of the time I hate my life and everything in it and I do really dumb things, but there's always that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll do something awesome for a stranger, or a friend, or a family member. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe tomorrow I'll change the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better. Maybe tomorrow God will speak to me. Then, one of these things does happen eventually and it makes the months of hard work all seem like nothing. You forget them alltogether and only focus on the Holy. The happy. The miracle. After a few days you might get back into a slump, but you never forget that one amazing moment and hope for another one and press on into the darkness that is life. I can't see where I'm going. I don't know what to expect. I do know though, that He is always with me. Jesus is here. Right now. I'm the one that leaves him behind. Well, I go behind while He sticks around just waiting for me to realize what I was doing before this thing distracted me. Lord, I'm sick of distractions. I wish they didn't exist, but thank you for them. Every single thing that makes life hard is not a mistake. It is what it is. Hard. It eventually moves on. Thank you for refining me more and more. Most of all, thank you for being powerful and creating all things; for allowing the hurt and sadness; for loving me always, through thick and thin. You are my all in all. This is true. I am weak now Lord, please be my strength. Only You can change me.