I'm going to learn to love without fear.

I'm finding myself being the most ridiculous person I have ever been. In a sense my life has been more ridiculous than this, but I just look around me and the thought comes to my mind, "how on earth did I get to this exact moment in time?" Here I am sitting in a building in India watching a band of guys all from Nagaland practice music. 6 months ago I had never even heard of Nagaland, and that word does not even register in my spellcheck! It is so wonderful though how many people there are out there in this world that I have not met yet, but as soon as I do I will not be able to picture my life without them in it.

It's funny how life's situations seem to mirror Biblical stories. I am suddenly reminded to remember my first love like Christ tells Ephesus in the Revelation of Jesus Christ. But this situation actually isn't to remember Christ as my first love, but to remember my first love when I came to India. Who did I first fall in love with here? How is it I have come to a place where someone is, without even knowing it, potentially taking place of my first love in India. Do I stay true to my first love who to this day has never been so frank with me? Do I give this new guy any hope at all? I need to be very careful here. I have broken many hearts in my day, and what is to come of this? We're already at the point where a heart will be broken.

I think I've been living in a dream the past week. This past week, in very unexpected ways, all my dreams seem to be coming true. Like, after a few weeks of doom and depression, suddenly things are all fitting together, I am very wary of this though, but who am I to question good things? Praise the Lord these things are happening, and I am happy that he is such a powerful God, and he truly is on the throne. He is in control of my life. He is in control of my friend's life. He has brought us here together for some reason. Some reason unknown to me at this moment.

I am a bit confused and baffled. You might say I'm bewildered. It's a happy confusion of course. How can one not be happy in a situation like this? But, what to do? All these questions I never had to think about before are coming up like, could I live in this country forever? This seems to be an even bigger commitment than any other one I've ever had to consider. Of course it would be. How is it these guys can be so forward and serious? Where is this coming from? Why is this happening? This cannot possibly be happening. This is why I think it's all a dream. Can you really fall in love with me without even knowing me? Do you really think I'm "that woman?"

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh God, let me be okay with this only if it is your will.
Oh God, don't let my feelings lead me.
Oh God, make me completely honest.
Oh God, calm my mind.
Oh God, calm my heart.
Oh God, hold me now.