You Make Me Brave

Everyone is getting engaged. Everyone is getting married. So many people have already been married so far this year that I personally know. So many people have yet to get married this year that I personally know. Everywhere I go and everything I do I am constantly reminded of MARRIAGE! Why is this? Is it because I have given up in the romance department and vowed a life of celibacy for the next two years? Now I am always being shown what I could have been well on my way to by now? It's different when you are surrounded by marriages and engagements and you can't do anything about it, but for me, I could be in that same boat right now. I had that opportunity, and believe it still exists as of this very moment if I just said "yes" and jumped in head first to the unknown waters of love.

Sure I've tested the waters. I've put my toes in to see how it feels. It's not that I didn't like the feeling, it's just that I am terrified. Terrified of commitment, especially life-long commitment. I'm also terrified I may have lost the best chance I had with true love. Then again, I am reminded of a promise I was made during my DTS. I will get married, and God has picked him out. I sometimes wonder if it is supposed to be who I want it to be, or if it is going to be someone completely different. Right now I can't imagine anyone else. So, why would I be afraid of this commitment? I just have always been wary of commitments. I could never commit to a specific ministry for more than a few weeks. I could never even commit to a school growing up. I look back and see that I can't even commit to friends for that long. I am not close with anyone from my childhood anymore. No one from elementary school. Not even anyone from Junior High school. Not anyone from High school either. I'm still close with two people from my youth groups at church. I break up with my boyfriends and end up barely speaking to them again. However, this more recent relationship has been contrary to all my past relationships. I am thankful for it, but I am beginning to see that it might have to be an all or nothing deal.

Why must life be so full of mistakes and difficult situations? I can't even cope most of the time. And now I am a student once again, but a student teacher of sorts and along with processing all this information and past avoidances I need to prepare and give teachings and sermons!

Is it wrong to simply want September to come as fast as possible? Is it wrong to want April to come soon after that? I feel like my life is simply waiting for the present to become the past, and I look forward to deadlines in the future, only to reach them, celebrate for a moment, then set another deadline in the future to wait for. That is not how life should be lived.

All in all, what I'm trying to say is, I want to fully know myself sooner than later so that I can fully give myself to my husband and I want to know God as much as possible before then. I am still in love with someone, I still find it hard to love myself, and I still am trying to love God more than anything or anyone else.

Why can't we all, all just be honest?

Spilling my guts out via cyberspace mail could not have come at a worse time. It just happened to come out of me mere days before a mutual friend died. Why couldn't I have done it earlier, or waited way later? I guess these things all happen for some sort of reason. Reasons unknown to me and everyone else involved.

Why is it a 24 year old girl full of life and love suddenly died in her hostel of "natural causes?" Why did it have to be in that city where the taliban just swooped upon? Perhaps she was going to experience far more terrifying things and so God prevented that. I wish I could just take a glimpse into God's reasoning. But then where would my faith be?

It's hard waiting for answers. Waiting for e-mails. Waiting for autopsy results.

Work seems meaningless right now, as does spending money on anything. I don't know where I am right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, musically. However, things are changing. Things are happening. Maybe I don't know where I am because I have always been somewhere I don't belong and now I am finally moving into a place where I was always supposed to exist. "You have found this place where you belong." That's what a prophetic guy from Canada said to me in India. At the time I thought he was talking about India, and at the time I didn't want to belong there. In hindsight, I know I belong there for a while but also know that he didn't mean India specifically. I think he was speaking of a different plane. I found that balance of all things in my life, perhaps not being exactly right, but all heading towards the right direction. Which is where I always should be--heading the right direction.

Somehow, of all the new music I have received and purchased lately, I cannot stop listening to Lily Allen's new album. It shows that she has grown up a lot. Musically and emotionally. It's inspiring to me. Her first album was quite awhile ago, but it really does take time to grow up, to mature, to figure out who you are. I may not be writing many songs right now, but I cannot wait until I figure out myself and my Creator a little bit more, then I'll be unstoppable!

Life is hard most of the time. But I will rejoice! I know the truth. I am light. I am salt. I am loved. I am forgiven. I have a seal. I know where I belong. The trouble is getting there. Fortunately, I have the greatest help this world has ever known.

I don't care what you think about love

I am such a dork. I have decided not to even bother. I am not going to try. I don't care what you think, I'll just sit here. Sometimes I hate my life and the way I think and act and talk. Ha ha. I pretty much hate myself most of the time. Right now I just find myself hilarious. I put my whole being into things when I should only be giving small parts of me to certain things. It's like an all or nothing deal with my head, heart, and life. More often than not it's "all". Ay Carumba. I just want to write new songs. I guess I haven't sat down to try for awhile, but I hate writing them always about me or writing them always about boys I have crushes on for like 3 weeks. They're pointless.

Today no plans have been made. I think I'll go buy some guitar strings, maybe go swimming, and just chill out. Clean the living room. Hopefully eat something.