Foolish Love

The Ugly Truth, huh? You want the ugly truth? I think I'm leading on a man who has no chance with me. Well, maybe a slight chance, but I always come back to the same conclusion: not gonna happen. Sure he cut his hair. Sure maybe he'll look gorgeous like usual, even more so because of his hair. I don't know yet. I won't skype until I wake up in the morning. I'll still have sleep in my eyes and he'll have had all day to look good. It will be an uneven match which I am okay with because I don't need him falling more in love with me. I need him to forget about me. I need those little versions of himself in his brain to shred all memories with me so that he is not hurt. I don't like the idea of causing him pain, and I don't like the idea of sharing the ugly truth with someone else. Maybe Emily was right, I just need to jump off of this ledge I have been standing on since my second day in India. If not soon, then I'll never jump and why not jump? I have but one life to live. I don't want to live it as a coward. I want to drink it, smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, sleep it, breathe it. I do think it's too soon to jump off this ledge. We'll just have to play by ear and see how this phone conversation goes tomorrow.

Why must being human be so complex?

I am not my own, for I have been made knew

Couldn't I just give away all "my" possessions? Couldn't I just walk everywhere and sleep anywhere? Do I really need money to live in this country? Am I really expected to give money to every Man I come across? There is more than one, oh yes. There are a lot of Men. I want to share with the world that "The Man" has brothers, partners if you will, in his crime of bringing people down. I don't want to owe anything to anyone. That's my ultimate goal. I kind of want to just wander around the world with nothing to my name. I don't even need a name. I could fake my death and start over somewhere else as my real self. The girl no one has ever seen or known, except the One being who created me and knows me through and through. I think I need human beings to be satisfied, but I don't. I know I am created as a relational creature, however the thought of being relational with anyone right now makes me shudder. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but right now Most People is on my last nerve. I have to go to work tomorrow and see Most People. I have to come home and see Most People. I have to wake up and see Most People. Everywhere I go Most People is following me.

Release me from this inward focus. Teach me to be content in every situation as Paul was. I need to eat of the fruit and mostly I need to give out the fruit. But right now everything has gone horribly askew and even my feet have fallen asleep. Can anything go right today? Anything? Bueller? Bueller?

Something is not right with me

I need you to invade every known and unknown aspect of my life. I do not even want to be able to breathe without thinking of you. I am asking that you speed up time when I cannot be with you completely so that you come quicker to my mind and my heart. And that you slow down time when I am engaged in you so that you dwell in my mind and my heart longer. Tomorrow it begins. If I write it down for some to see, I have to do it. I want to do it. Everything I am is yours. After all, you created me.

I realize I was acting all wrong

Men never cease to amaze me. Just when you think they are thick headed and would never even think anything they did was wrong, they surprise you and do something like call you in the middle of the night because they cannot wait any longer. Wait for what you are dying to ask me? He couldn't wait any longer to apologize to me. To admit to hurting me. That is a man if you ask me. A real man.

Oh God hold me now

I am Israel. I am Israel in Judges. I do whatever seems good in my eyes. I need deliverance. I have deliverance, I just don't acknowledge said deliverance most days.

When I see Indian people, Indian movies, even simply tags on clothes that say "made in India" I get a fuzzy feeling of love that wells up inside of me, however secretly deep, deep down inside me the thought of going back to India really scares me.

I've been reading a lot of stories lately of women who have started amazing organizations because they saw one little story on Oprah or read something in a magazine about women suffering in the Congo and suddenly they knew they had to do something and now they are the founder of a giant non-profit that provides education and health care to these women. I want to be like those people. I have always desired to be a pioneer.

When all my thoughts are said and done, I am just like Moses, Jonah, Timothy. I know what to do next, I just am afraid of it.

I won't regret

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But [I] obviously
[I] didn't wanna stick around

So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do
So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do

I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again

I knew this would happen. Maybe it's me being emotional and rational because it is 11:42 PM. However, I felt like this was coming, something brought me to this place, and I have to throw some fleece down. I have to lay it outside and say, "bring me a sign or I'm peace-ing out of this." I don't care if it's dry and the grass is wet or vice versa. Something miraculous must happen in order for me to stay with this. I want dreams, visions, songs, prophecies, anything that is blatant. If it's not blatant it won't count.

I'm sick of breaking hearts, but that's all I seem to be good at.