Today! Today, I live for one thing

I feel as if there is suppressed creativity welling up inside of me. I am itching to write a song, write a blog, write a letter, record music, but every time I pick up a guitar or sit down at the computer or a piece of paper my motivation and desire leaves me completely. My energy has left me months ago and I don't know when it plans on returning to my unloving arms. I'm just shuffling through this life. I am not living for any purposes right now. I need something to live for. Perhaps it's time to take a little trip down memory lane and see how far I've come and decide to keep going instead of standing still or going backwards. I am a woman who is set in her ways and judgmental of people's opinions and tastes in music. Sometimes I think I'm open minded, but I don't think I'm that welcoming of others' thoughts or opinions almost at all.

I can say that I realized some things last night at Starbucks with two very dear friends of mine:

1. I love one of them more and more each time I see them, and when they share problems and dilemmas of life with me, even though I don't know what to say to her, I feel this immense love for her flowing throughout every part of my physical body and mental mind. I mean her life is aweful right now, at least she doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell her, but I love her more even now as I am typing this. She is wonderful and always has been, and no matter what she thinks about herself, she is so so so so strong and has come such a long way from our first moments together. I deserted her once, and I will never do that again.

2. My other friend, who has good intentions, doesn't always encourage people to change in the most loving way. That's just the way she is, and she always has been since I've known her. In fact I sometimes avoid telling her my struggles because I know exactly how she'll try to get me to change my negative attitude. I always eventually tell her everything, but it's hard to do it when it's actually happening. I also love this woman more and more as she changes and matures into a wonderful woman who loves God with all her heart. It's been fun seeing her go from skeptical/follower to passionate/leader.

3. With these two ladies I was completely content even though the situation was uncomfortable and solemn. I got the feeling I only get when looking back at pictures from India, or when I first see an old friend's face on skype, or when I see a small child very well behaved, or when I see an elderly couple walking together or holding hands. It's the same feeling I think Jesus felt when he looked at everyone. The pharisees, the ones he called whitewashed tombs, the lepers, the tax-collectors, the Jews, the poor, the rich, men, women, children. I think Jesus felt this love for every one he encountered. I mean he washed Judas' feet and he knew Judas would betray him. I want to love like he loved and that's all I want to do.

That is all I ever want to do.

Foolish Love

The Ugly Truth, huh? You want the ugly truth? I think I'm leading on a man who has no chance with me. Well, maybe a slight chance, but I always come back to the same conclusion: not gonna happen. Sure he cut his hair. Sure maybe he'll look gorgeous like usual, even more so because of his hair. I don't know yet. I won't skype until I wake up in the morning. I'll still have sleep in my eyes and he'll have had all day to look good. It will be an uneven match which I am okay with because I don't need him falling more in love with me. I need him to forget about me. I need those little versions of himself in his brain to shred all memories with me so that he is not hurt. I don't like the idea of causing him pain, and I don't like the idea of sharing the ugly truth with someone else. Maybe Emily was right, I just need to jump off of this ledge I have been standing on since my second day in India. If not soon, then I'll never jump and why not jump? I have but one life to live. I don't want to live it as a coward. I want to drink it, smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, sleep it, breathe it. I do think it's too soon to jump off this ledge. We'll just have to play by ear and see how this phone conversation goes tomorrow.

Why must being human be so complex?

I am not my own, for I have been made knew

Couldn't I just give away all "my" possessions? Couldn't I just walk everywhere and sleep anywhere? Do I really need money to live in this country? Am I really expected to give money to every Man I come across? There is more than one, oh yes. There are a lot of Men. I want to share with the world that "The Man" has brothers, partners if you will, in his crime of bringing people down. I don't want to owe anything to anyone. That's my ultimate goal. I kind of want to just wander around the world with nothing to my name. I don't even need a name. I could fake my death and start over somewhere else as my real self. The girl no one has ever seen or known, except the One being who created me and knows me through and through. I think I need human beings to be satisfied, but I don't. I know I am created as a relational creature, however the thought of being relational with anyone right now makes me shudder. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but right now Most People is on my last nerve. I have to go to work tomorrow and see Most People. I have to come home and see Most People. I have to wake up and see Most People. Everywhere I go Most People is following me.

Release me from this inward focus. Teach me to be content in every situation as Paul was. I need to eat of the fruit and mostly I need to give out the fruit. But right now everything has gone horribly askew and even my feet have fallen asleep. Can anything go right today? Anything? Bueller? Bueller?

Something is not right with me

I need you to invade every known and unknown aspect of my life. I do not even want to be able to breathe without thinking of you. I am asking that you speed up time when I cannot be with you completely so that you come quicker to my mind and my heart. And that you slow down time when I am engaged in you so that you dwell in my mind and my heart longer. Tomorrow it begins. If I write it down for some to see, I have to do it. I want to do it. Everything I am is yours. After all, you created me.

I realize I was acting all wrong

Men never cease to amaze me. Just when you think they are thick headed and would never even think anything they did was wrong, they surprise you and do something like call you in the middle of the night because they cannot wait any longer. Wait for what you are dying to ask me? He couldn't wait any longer to apologize to me. To admit to hurting me. That is a man if you ask me. A real man.

Oh God hold me now

I am Israel. I am Israel in Judges. I do whatever seems good in my eyes. I need deliverance. I have deliverance, I just don't acknowledge said deliverance most days.

When I see Indian people, Indian movies, even simply tags on clothes that say "made in India" I get a fuzzy feeling of love that wells up inside of me, however secretly deep, deep down inside me the thought of going back to India really scares me.

I've been reading a lot of stories lately of women who have started amazing organizations because they saw one little story on Oprah or read something in a magazine about women suffering in the Congo and suddenly they knew they had to do something and now they are the founder of a giant non-profit that provides education and health care to these women. I want to be like those people. I have always desired to be a pioneer.

When all my thoughts are said and done, I am just like Moses, Jonah, Timothy. I know what to do next, I just am afraid of it.

I won't regret

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But [I] obviously
[I] didn't wanna stick around

So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do
So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do

I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own