I rejoice in this Divine Romance

Upon realization that two of my friends have started a relationship with each other that was not happening last weekend, but now is clearly going on, I have been thinking tonight a lot about my past relationships. How they never lasted very long because I was quick to jump into them. They were all about happy, euphoric feelings. Mostly feelings of acceptance. Finally someone, a guy, thought I was beautiful. Finally a guy thought I was amazing. Finally a guy wanted to spend time with me. Finally a guy wanted to say that I was his girlfriend. Boy, oh boy, I don't know how people can do that for long periods of time! I feel like I jumped into something with someone I didn't even know. Once I really got to know them, realizing this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I said good-bye and pretty much never talked to them again. Even though at first we had a wonderful friendship. A fun friendship. There is one of my past boyfriends I wish I talked to still and I wish I could hang out with still. He was a great guy. A fun guy. A musician guy. He was funny and I miss adventures with him. I miss being silly with him. I in no way want to date him again, I just wish our friendship wasn't ruined because of "feelings".

Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?