I feel somewhat left out suddenly today because everyone around me has graduated from college and I have yet to attend. They say all these big words and explain things in somewhat disheartening ways. Confusing ways. Ways that are not necessarily hard for me to understand, but hard for me to share my thoughts because I feel like they're not "big" enough or they're not "smart" enough or they don't make sense until I throw in words like "mutually inclusive" or "tumultuous" which I have no clue as to an understanding of these words/phrases.
Now, I know these thoughts are from the enemy, so I must rebuke them and I feel like it all comes back to my identity. I think I've been running from my true identity for so long that I forgot how to get back to where I started. Am I actually looking for the beginning or something I haven't found yet? For so long I've seen myself as damaged goods. What kind of life have I lived to think that about myself? I sometimes wonder why God puts certain people in my life because all they are is close-minded and they only make me feel small and like my opinions do not matter, and so because of this handful of people who make me feel this way I am not quick to share my thoughts and opinions on deep issues because I've only known pain to come out of those situations in the past. I wish my past didn't shape my future, but that is pretty much impossible to change. Let down, after let down, after let down make me not want to have any expectations set on relationships.
God is doing a mighty work within. He is revealing truth to our generation in mighty, awesome ways, and I am so excited to be apart of this movement and this fresh way of living life for Him in intentional, organic community. I am sad that my old friends haven't been apart of it. I am sad that my new friends aren't seeing the real me.
This morning a girl I had never seen or met before shared her struggle with depression. We laid hands on her and prayed for her and then after that all day I felt depressed! I am just now realizing that perhaps this is intercession. She told me she felt peace today. I am feeling so quiet and broken hearted...for no reason at all! If it's not intercession, I don't know what it is. It's one of those things where I don't know if Satan is attacking or God is very present in this. It could be both! It could be God. he is always present in my life! How do I know which one it is? Attack or intercession?
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