would you ever be my, would you be my fucking boyfriend?

It is hard sometimes in this world to be alone. By "alone" I mean "single." I know that I am not alone. I am never without a Savior, I am never without family, and I am never without friends. I keep hoping that if I become good enough friends with someone they'll fall in love with me. I keep hoping if I lose enough weight they'll want to pursue me. It always comes down to them. I wish so much that it didn't. So long I have desired confidence and apathy towards being in a relationship. I should really never hang out with them alone. It only seems to make me want it more. Being with him today was wonderful. I even enjoyed hearing a story about a girl who was probably way more beautiful than I am. It is a little disheartening to realize I am not going to be pursued here, but that's what I need. Especially right now. I need no distractions even though I feel like I'd have less of those if I were in a relationship. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all those "if"s. It is stupid that being "taken" would give me more confidence and self-esteem. Why is God not good enough for me?

This winter is taking too long to go away. It's destroying my life. I just want to run and never stop. I want to run away from my job and away from my bills and away from this heartache my life is turning out to be. I wish my soul-mate wasn't on the other side of this messed up world. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped and there is no way to escape it. Like in those zombie movies where you're in a room with one door and the living dead are coming through that door. They're coming slowly, but there really is no way out. You're just going to get eaten alive and then even worse, turn into one of them. I think that I have been one of them for so long though. I have just been in denial of it.

I am in turmoil here. My life is seeming to be a tragedy. Hopefully a beautiful one, but never seeming like it. It's hard not knowing what's in store for me. I am always praying I'll get a glimpse of my future in my dreams, but that has yet to happen. I guess even if it did happen I would just think it's another one of my nonsensical dreams. Who knows, perhaps I've been shown hundreds of times glimpses of my future.

I thought it would be easier knowing God has someone for me, but things are just as hard as they were before I knew I wouldn't end up alone...eventually.