It feels so unnatural, Peter Gabriel too.

I feel so unnatural right now. Something is going on in my mind or heart or something and I can't put my finger on it. It most likely has to do with a lot of little things. The fact that it snowed all day today, or the fact that I have to clean up after this cat all week, or the fact that I can't ever stop eating, or the fact that I have no one to talk to anymore, or the fact that I started watching Felicity, or the fact that I don't have a boyfriend, or the fact that I haven't read the Bible in a week, or the fact that I don't have a "church" that feels like home, or the fact that I have yet to hear back from India, or the fact that I got my period today, or the fact that I miss living with my family, or the fact that I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, or the fact that I don't have health insurance, or the fact that I have barely enough money to pay my bills, or the fact that I have to practice for my band's cd release party this Saturday, or the fact that I don't want to be a nanny anymore, or the fact that I want to write a song but can't, or the fact that I don't look good in a bikini. All these things and more are contributing to this minor depression.

Sometimes I never want to eat again, but when the time comes to actually stop from putting something in my mouth I just have to do it! Then I don't stop. Sometimes I want to start running and never stop, but I eventually get tired, and right now I am not strong enough to do that anyway. Sometimes I wish I could buy a plane ticket somewhere. A one-way ticket. If I don't hear back from India that's what I'm going to do.

Here I am, laying in bed and what did I accomplish today? Nothing. I watched Felicity all day. I fed the cat when I was supposed to. I drove to my nanny family and let their dog out when I was supposed to, and that's it.

Last night I dreamt I was getting along so well with someone. Someone I do get along real well with, but it was different. It was like they loved me. Really loved me. They looked at me with those eyes. That look of pure love. Not "I love you and want to marry you" love, but true love. Like the way I think Jesus would look at me if he were laying here in bed right next to me. It was an incredible dream. The kind of dream you love to have, yet hate all at the same time because when you wake up you know it's not real...but you wish so much that it was.

It's time to take these socks off. I really am pathetic. If you didn't know that, I'm telling you right now.

I think God isn't good enough for me sometimes, well most of the time. I'm so sorry for that. God should be all that I need, but I don't put Him in that position in my life very often. If at all. Something needs to change. My attitude. My heart needs to be more guarded. My mindset needs to change.

I am not the center of this universe.