I know you don't know what life is really worth

I am quickly losing heart for my children. This job is so hard most of the time. I am counting down the hours until my day is done, counting down the days until the week is done, and counting down the weeks until I am done here. I have one week left of this difficult job. I think I make it more difficult than it really is. I mean, how hard is it to hang out with three young kids all day? How about you come and take one of these days for me and you will have your eyes opened to the hell that is my job. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Today I realized that maybe I don't actually love them as much as I thought I did. The past year they have worn down my love, my mind, my heart, my stamina, everything within me has been affected. I think even the way I view God and my friends and family has been changed. It's so hard to know my outlook on people has changed because of these three kids, but really it's not their faults at all! It's the way I have chosen to handle them and their issues. I choose to be crabby. I choose to yell. I choose to punish. I choose to be lazy. I feel like "what does it matter to change anything now? I have 5 days left." But it does matter, and I do need to change something. Even as I type this they are fighting. Ay carumba. I just want to put them all in their bedrooms, close the door, and never let them out. They can't fight if they don't get to see each other. Then, maybe tomorrow, when they get to come out and see each other after a day of solitude, maybe they will be happy to see each other and show love to each other. It's hard to love kids that don't love each other.

I have been feeling like because I want to partake in fleshly desires and because I don't love my children that God isn't going to provide for me to go to India. I don't know why I'm thinking this way. I know that He doesn't give according to what you deserve. I mean that's what grace is all about. I have a tainted view of God and his reasons for doing things. He doesn't really need a reason. I can't wrap my mind around that.

I almost cried yesterday. I almost cried two days ago as well. I am so sensitive. I hide it most of the time and keep it all inside me. If someone does something that offends me or hurts my little feelings I don't ever say anything. I have been keeping a lot of these inside for a long time now, and I think they're trying to get out. This weekend is going to be much needed.

Tomorrow night I am driving to my cabin. Alone. I will stay there through Sunday. I am going to spend all that time alone with God. I have never done this before and I am so excited! I just want this week to be over with so I can get up there and weep, sing, love, pray, confess, repent, cry out, you get the idea. So, if you think about me at all this weekend, pray that I get some answers. Answers to what? I am not even sure yet, but I want to come home with a glowing face, like Moses. Wouldn't that be sweet?

I really would like to bless the family I have worked with for the last year and three months. I don't know how I am going to do that. I know how I can bless the kids next week. I was thinking of taking them to the Minnesota Zoo or the Science museum or something. But, as for the parents, I am not sure. I was going to make them a mix CD of love songs, but that seems stupid. I'd like to watch the kids sometime to let them go out some night and have a nice dinner.

I leave in 45 days to go to the most foreign place I will ever encounter. India scares me. It is an intimidating country. 1 billion people live there! 1 billion! People! Cows fill the streets along with Lamborghinis and prostitutes. Lord, what are you doing with my life?