I know you don't know what life is really worth

I am quickly losing heart for my children. This job is so hard most of the time. I am counting down the hours until my day is done, counting down the days until the week is done, and counting down the weeks until I am done here. I have one week left of this difficult job. I think I make it more difficult than it really is. I mean, how hard is it to hang out with three young kids all day? How about you come and take one of these days for me and you will have your eyes opened to the hell that is my job. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Today I realized that maybe I don't actually love them as much as I thought I did. The past year they have worn down my love, my mind, my heart, my stamina, everything within me has been affected. I think even the way I view God and my friends and family has been changed. It's so hard to know my outlook on people has changed because of these three kids, but really it's not their faults at all! It's the way I have chosen to handle them and their issues. I choose to be crabby. I choose to yell. I choose to punish. I choose to be lazy. I feel like "what does it matter to change anything now? I have 5 days left." But it does matter, and I do need to change something. Even as I type this they are fighting. Ay carumba. I just want to put them all in their bedrooms, close the door, and never let them out. They can't fight if they don't get to see each other. Then, maybe tomorrow, when they get to come out and see each other after a day of solitude, maybe they will be happy to see each other and show love to each other. It's hard to love kids that don't love each other.

I have been feeling like because I want to partake in fleshly desires and because I don't love my children that God isn't going to provide for me to go to India. I don't know why I'm thinking this way. I know that He doesn't give according to what you deserve. I mean that's what grace is all about. I have a tainted view of God and his reasons for doing things. He doesn't really need a reason. I can't wrap my mind around that.

I almost cried yesterday. I almost cried two days ago as well. I am so sensitive. I hide it most of the time and keep it all inside me. If someone does something that offends me or hurts my little feelings I don't ever say anything. I have been keeping a lot of these inside for a long time now, and I think they're trying to get out. This weekend is going to be much needed.

Tomorrow night I am driving to my cabin. Alone. I will stay there through Sunday. I am going to spend all that time alone with God. I have never done this before and I am so excited! I just want this week to be over with so I can get up there and weep, sing, love, pray, confess, repent, cry out, you get the idea. So, if you think about me at all this weekend, pray that I get some answers. Answers to what? I am not even sure yet, but I want to come home with a glowing face, like Moses. Wouldn't that be sweet?

I really would like to bless the family I have worked with for the last year and three months. I don't know how I am going to do that. I know how I can bless the kids next week. I was thinking of taking them to the Minnesota Zoo or the Science museum or something. But, as for the parents, I am not sure. I was going to make them a mix CD of love songs, but that seems stupid. I'd like to watch the kids sometime to let them go out some night and have a nice dinner.

I leave in 45 days to go to the most foreign place I will ever encounter. India scares me. It is an intimidating country. 1 billion people live there! 1 billion! People! Cows fill the streets along with Lamborghinis and prostitutes. Lord, what are you doing with my life?

Somewhere over the rainbow

Today is my rainbow. Tomorrow I will be over the rainbow and in New Orleans! I hope that when I return from the South I will be well rested and my heart will have been softened. I want my final seven days with my kids to count! I want to have fun and show them love.

I hate the world's view of how our lives should play out. We go to school, High School, College/University, get a career, retire, and live the last few years of our lives doing what we want finally. What's so wrong with doing that backwards? Why is it inconceivable to not go to College? Why is it so unfathomable to not have a "plan" or a career path? I am not worried about my life and where it's going. Why should I be? Because you tell me to? This society; our culture is stuck. Stuck in the mindset of our parents, the baby boomers. I am perfectly okay with going against the grain.

I have one day with these kids this week, today, and I'm ready to go home. It's only noon. I still have about five more hours with them and I've already had four. Lordy, Lord, please make today go by fast.

Michael Phelps is ridiculous. He is one year older than me and has already won like 8 gold medals. They showed a typical day in the life of Michael the other day and he wakes up then swims for at least five hours, eats, sleeps, wakes up, swims. He has to eat between 8,000 and 10,000 calories a day! Michael Phelps is ridiculous. I want to be like him.

I can't help but dislike disney stars. They get everything handed to them on a silver platter, but they always turn into D-bags. I had a dream the other night that I was one of the Cheetah Girls and we were doing a tour with the Jonas Brothers. One of the Cheetah Girls hated me, I don't know why, but I remember trying to act cool around the Jonas Brothers, not because I liked them, but because I wanted them to like me. Oh man. I'm such a dork even in my dreams!

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Sometimes I wish I was attracted to certain people, but I know that if I was they wouldn't feel the same way about me. Know what I'm saying? Like, right now I don't have feelings for this person and they don't have feelings for me, but they're an amazing person so it'd be cool to be attracted to them, but if I was they wouldn't have feelings for me still. Get it? Got it? Good.

I made a choice on Tuesday to not have a crappy week with these kids. It is so hard when they bicker, fight, argue, hit, kick, yell, scream, scratch, pinch, and won't eat a single thing I have to offer unless it's a waffle or grilled cheese sandwich. It's hard not to get frustrated and it's hard not to yell at them and tell them how incredibly ridiculous they are. Especially when their only form of communication is some sort of whiny infant noise that barely comes through their mouth cause their bottom lip is so large and pouty. I hate pouty lips. Also, when kids cry over WAFFLES! or anything else. Goggles. Shorts. Cheezits. TV. Blankets. You get the idea. I dislike many aspects of children. Which seems so unreal because I love them so much. I wish I could video tape them now and save it for 10 years and show them all the little brats they can be when they were younger.

Lord, I want to write a new song. I have been itching to write one for a long while. Please inspire me and give me words to sing to you or to a friend or to a family member or to a people group or to a celebrity even! Whatever. I just want a song.

I also care so deeply for my dear friend who seems to be spiraling downward, knowing it's happening, knowing it's her choice, knowing how to change it, yet it continues. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything I guess. I don't want to enable her, I just want to love her. It's hard for me and I know it's not up to me, so I'm putting her in your altar. You are the rescuer; you are the comforter; you are the healer; you are the pursuer; you are the Father; you are the lover; you are the only thing she needs right now. The only thing.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray.

India is intimidating. It is huge. It is full of people that speak Hindi. It has foods my body won't be used to. There will be cattle roaming the streets. I can only stay in the country for six months at a time. I need $3,000 more dollars for my school plus I have to make payments on my credit card and my compassion child. Lord, take away my fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations, and doubts that come with this SBS. Nothing is ever easy.

I am tired of just simply surviving every week. I survive day after day with the kids to get to the weekend, then I fill my weekend up with plans and then before I know it I'm back to surviving the work week again. I want to be compassionate towards my children and I want to have mercy on them. It is so hard to not be cranky around them because they fight with each other all the time. I don't know how they can show so little love towards one another. I try so hard to show them love, but not hard enough I guess. I am not getting through.

I must stick with a strict sleeping schedule again. Life was good when I did that a few months back. It must start again this upcoming week. I need to stop going to bed at one in the morning only to get 6 hours of sleep. Ba humbug!

Working out is pretty easy to me now. At least the lifting weights part. Not so much the aerobic/cardio part. Also, the eating part is hard too. I cannot stop eating sweets. I love me some calories! I actually conquered a desire for ice cream today though! Usually when I want something I get it. Horrible. I need to stop that. I must think about fruit or vegetables as a delectable dessert. That way I can eat those all I want, when I want, and not feel bad about it later!

O Father, let me not lose sight of you tomorrow at work. Show me how to be compassionate and merciful to these kids. Be my hands and feet. Speak through me to them and love through me to them. I do love them, but I am afraid it does not show most of the time. Let me be an adult around them when it comes to serious things, but be fun when it comes to playing.