I feel somewhat left out suddenly today because everyone around me has graduated from college and I have yet to attend. They say all these big words and explain things in somewhat disheartening ways. Confusing ways. Ways that are not necessarily hard for me to understand, but hard for me to share my thoughts because I feel like they're not "big" enough or they're not "smart" enough or they don't make sense until I throw in words like "mutually inclusive" or "tumultuous" which I have no clue as to an understanding of these words/phrases.
Now, I know these thoughts are from the enemy, so I must rebuke them and I feel like it all comes back to my identity. I think I've been running from my true identity for so long that I forgot how to get back to where I started. Am I actually looking for the beginning or something I haven't found yet? For so long I've seen myself as damaged goods. What kind of life have I lived to think that about myself? I sometimes wonder why God puts certain people in my life because all they are is close-minded and they only make me feel small and like my opinions do not matter, and so because of this handful of people who make me feel this way I am not quick to share my thoughts and opinions on deep issues because I've only known pain to come out of those situations in the past. I wish my past didn't shape my future, but that is pretty much impossible to change. Let down, after let down, after let down make me not want to have any expectations set on relationships.
God is doing a mighty work within. He is revealing truth to our generation in mighty, awesome ways, and I am so excited to be apart of this movement and this fresh way of living life for Him in intentional, organic community. I am sad that my old friends haven't been apart of it. I am sad that my new friends aren't seeing the real me.
This morning a girl I had never seen or met before shared her struggle with depression. We laid hands on her and prayed for her and then after that all day I felt depressed! I am just now realizing that perhaps this is intercession. She told me she felt peace today. I am feeling so quiet and broken hearted...for no reason at all! If it's not intercession, I don't know what it is. It's one of those things where I don't know if Satan is attacking or God is very present in this. It could be both! It could be God. he is always present in my life! How do I know which one it is? Attack or intercession?
February 25, 2008
February 18, 2008
I Want the Whole Enchilada
House church. Why should we do it? How do we do it? What does it look like? When does it happen?
Satan is attacking my finances.
God is good. He is providing in amazing ways and fixing things quickly. Mostly God is encouraging. I need encouragement. He knows this because He knows me.
Thank you Lord for knowing me.
Last night was a Love Feast. It was great! I was able to just relax and know that my friends love and support me. Even though I feel like a balloon...which is ridiculous in and of itself...I felt like they don't even care what I look like.
Lord, help me stick to my work out regimen i have developed for myself. I long to live a healthier, more simple life.
Most of the time I am random, and most of the time I like it.
Can I just announce to all the world that I love Kimberly Joy Ajamiseba? Sheeriously. I wish she were here or I was there. One day I feel like we'll live in close proximity of each other. I hope my feeling is right.
Satan is attacking my finances.
God is good. He is providing in amazing ways and fixing things quickly. Mostly God is encouraging. I need encouragement. He knows this because He knows me.
Thank you Lord for knowing me.
Last night was a Love Feast. It was great! I was able to just relax and know that my friends love and support me. Even though I feel like a balloon...which is ridiculous in and of itself...I felt like they don't even care what I look like.
Lord, help me stick to my work out regimen i have developed for myself. I long to live a healthier, more simple life.
Most of the time I am random, and most of the time I like it.
Can I just announce to all the world that I love Kimberly Joy Ajamiseba? Sheeriously. I wish she were here or I was there. One day I feel like we'll live in close proximity of each other. I hope my feeling is right.
February 4, 2008
I rejoice in this Divine Romance
Upon realization that two of my friends have started a relationship with each other that was not happening last weekend, but now is clearly going on, I have been thinking tonight a lot about my past relationships. How they never lasted very long because I was quick to jump into them. They were all about happy, euphoric feelings. Mostly feelings of acceptance. Finally someone, a guy, thought I was beautiful. Finally a guy thought I was amazing. Finally a guy wanted to spend time with me. Finally a guy wanted to say that I was his girlfriend. Boy, oh boy, I don't know how people can do that for long periods of time! I feel like I jumped into something with someone I didn't even know. Once I really got to know them, realizing this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I said good-bye and pretty much never talked to them again. Even though at first we had a wonderful friendship. A fun friendship. There is one of my past boyfriends I wish I talked to still and I wish I could hang out with still. He was a great guy. A fun guy. A musician guy. He was funny and I miss adventures with him. I miss being silly with him. I in no way want to date him again, I just wish our friendship wasn't ruined because of "feelings".
Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?
Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?
January 31, 2008
Cheer up sleepy Gene
There is this whole eating disorder culture that I never knew about. Girls these days are starving themselves! Why? This is single handedly one of the scariest and saddest things I've ever seen. My cousin is a part of this culture. She is starving herself as well, and no one is stopping her. I don't know if I have a right to say anything. I'm afraid she got it from me. Not that I have an eating disorder, but it seemed to have started after the last time I fasted. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything to her. I know what it's like to hate your body every single time you look in the mirror, but there should be people in her life that tell her she's beautiful. Right now she has people encouraging her in this. What the hell is wrong with our culture today that girls feel the need to by sickly thin? It's just ridiculous. I am finally coming to terms with being average. Which is perfect! Average means that most women today are my size. That's all that I need! I don't need to be super skinny, though the thought has crossed my mind. I just need to be healthy. Starving yourself is not healthy. I am sorry that you feel like this is the answer. I loved you before and I love you now. If you want to get in shape let's do it! Let's run every day. Let's eat healthy together! Let's pray for each other and encourage each other in our school work or jobs. With our families and friendships. I know your family seems to be falling apart. I am sorry. No child should have to go through what you've been through. Love your mother though. Forgive her. It'll be so much easier if you just forgive her and move on. She'll come to her senses one day. You are so worth it! So worth it.
January 29, 2008
Gravity's pulling me, but heaven is calling me
Here I am in bed again. Always, always writing from bed.
Here I am going to sleep way later than I should have. Always, always losing sleep.
Here I am regretting that last nourishment. Always, always wishing I didn't do that.
But, these things are all so tiny. So small. Almost insignificant. Sure, I'll pay for them tomorrow, but the next day I won't remember that I lost sleep, or feel it.
Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
Look at the birds! Even they get fed, how much more valuable are you?!!?
I always struggle with that "V" word. Valuable.
God told me once that I was "valuable."
"VALUABLE"
- having qualities worthy of respect, admiration, or esteem
- of considerable use, service, or importance
- admired, appreciated, beneficial, cherished, dear, expensive, held dear, helpful, hot, important, in demand, inestimable, of value, precious, prized, relevant, respected, scarce, treasured, useful, and worthwile
Sometimes I don't believe those things about myself. Most of the time actually.
Sometimes I don't believe those things about other people. Only some of the time though.
Dear friends and family,
I believe you are valuable. You are cherished in my heart. I do hold you dear. You help me out of many sticky situations. I think all my friends are hot. You are some of the most important parts of my life. "Precious" is your middle name. Your words are relevant to my life and I respect you more than you know. I treasure your heart.
The Lord is all these things and more. I love Him more than you. I seek His words more than yours. I want to spend more time with Him. I must realize He is number one, not you. I'm sorry, but He must be more important than anyone else in my life.
I am no longer infatuated with you. I don't care what you think of my opinions. I am not jealous of those girls anymore. Go ahead, turn on the humor. Turn on the charm. I am not falling for it anymore. God is my Love. God is my Hope. God is my Faith. God is my infatuation. My obsession. My life. My time. My song. My heart.
Here I am going to sleep way later than I should have. Always, always losing sleep.
Here I am regretting that last nourishment. Always, always wishing I didn't do that.
But, these things are all so tiny. So small. Almost insignificant. Sure, I'll pay for them tomorrow, but the next day I won't remember that I lost sleep, or feel it.
Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own.
Look at the birds! Even they get fed, how much more valuable are you?!!?
I always struggle with that "V" word. Valuable.
God told me once that I was "valuable."
"VALUABLE"
- having qualities worthy of respect, admiration, or esteem
- of considerable use, service, or importance
- admired, appreciated, beneficial, cherished, dear, expensive, held dear, helpful, hot, important, in demand, inestimable, of value, precious, prized, relevant, respected, scarce, treasured, useful, and worthwile
Sometimes I don't believe those things about myself. Most of the time actually.
Sometimes I don't believe those things about other people. Only some of the time though.
Dear friends and family,
I believe you are valuable. You are cherished in my heart. I do hold you dear. You help me out of many sticky situations. I think all my friends are hot. You are some of the most important parts of my life. "Precious" is your middle name. Your words are relevant to my life and I respect you more than you know. I treasure your heart.
The Lord is all these things and more. I love Him more than you. I seek His words more than yours. I want to spend more time with Him. I must realize He is number one, not you. I'm sorry, but He must be more important than anyone else in my life.
I am no longer infatuated with you. I don't care what you think of my opinions. I am not jealous of those girls anymore. Go ahead, turn on the humor. Turn on the charm. I am not falling for it anymore. God is my Love. God is my Hope. God is my Faith. God is my infatuation. My obsession. My life. My time. My song. My heart.
January 19, 2008
You took a trip overseas...
I do believe God is speaking to me every single day in this wilderness. He has been listening to my cries for many years now and things are starting to happen. Answers are coming. Blessings are being poured out. Trials are happening. Temptations are rearing their ugly heads. All of it is pointing to God. He is the one who gives these things and He is my reason to stand up and fight for these things or against these things.
Should I go to India this Fall? My taxes say I'll be getting half the price of the school back in the next month in refunds. Bush says he wants to give every single individual $800 in a federal refund this year to help boost the economy. Or to help Sarah go to India!
Back in July of 2007 I wrote this: I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant?
Right now, in 2008 so far, I saw Jesus in a dream. I saw His face! The Lord is opening many doors for me. Doors for extra money. Baby-sitting, house-sitting, cooking, cleaning, tax rebates, all of this equals extra income for me. I have been hurting so bad the last two months for money. Things are starting to look up! Doors are opening musically again too. This has not happened for some time now.
in August of 2007 I wrote this: I am so sick of this country I'm singing for. But what can I do to change it...to pioneer in this country? I do not know and He's not telling me anything.
Psalm 16:11 - "You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."
I know He's got some tricks up His sleeve for me this year, and I am very excited! I actually look forward to going to India. It scares the crap out of me, but I'm actually excited! I don't think I would have been excited about India a year ago.
What I'm really trying to say here is God is good. All the time. No matter what. Even when life is bad. He will answer your prayers. Keep on praying. Never give up. He loves you more than your parents; more than your boyfriend; more than your wife; more than your SBF; more than your soul-mate.
Should I go to India this Fall? My taxes say I'll be getting half the price of the school back in the next month in refunds. Bush says he wants to give every single individual $800 in a federal refund this year to help boost the economy. Or to help Sarah go to India!
Back in July of 2007 I wrote this: I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant?
Right now, in 2008 so far, I saw Jesus in a dream. I saw His face! The Lord is opening many doors for me. Doors for extra money. Baby-sitting, house-sitting, cooking, cleaning, tax rebates, all of this equals extra income for me. I have been hurting so bad the last two months for money. Things are starting to look up! Doors are opening musically again too. This has not happened for some time now.
in August of 2007 I wrote this: I am so sick of this country I'm singing for. But what can I do to change it...to pioneer in this country? I do not know and He's not telling me anything.
Psalm 16:11 - "You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."
I know He's got some tricks up His sleeve for me this year, and I am very excited! I actually look forward to going to India. It scares the crap out of me, but I'm actually excited! I don't think I would have been excited about India a year ago.
What I'm really trying to say here is God is good. All the time. No matter what. Even when life is bad. He will answer your prayers. Keep on praying. Never give up. He loves you more than your parents; more than your boyfriend; more than your wife; more than your SBF; more than your soul-mate.
January 9, 2008
I came here with a load, but it feels so much lighter since I met you...
Dear Provider,
How do I come across more money? Can I just get a job painting faces at kids' birthday parties once a week? What is a girl to do when she has 40 dollars to her name for the next 1.5 weeks...and I even got paid today. Sheesh. Life is tough. Good thing I'm not eating. That would make things a bit more complicated. Praise You water is free!
Thanks,
Sarah
Dear Creator,
I love my curly hair. I don't know if I've ever told You that before. Is there any way you could speed up the hair growing process? Like overnight would be awesome. I'm sorry I don't treat my body as the temple it is all the time. Help me to remember that daily and not dwell on comparisons. You made me this way and it's beautiful. I am beautiful. You have quite the imagination. No person looks exactly alike. No snow flake is the same as another. Each fingerprint is completely different. I could never do anything that You do.
Yours truly,
Sarah
Dear Father,
Thank you for tucking me in at night and keeping watch over me as I sleep. I feel a lot safer when I tell You to come near all day. I hopefully am less of a road rage crazo now that You're around more. I am sorry for throwing my pearls before swine all my life. I know that You have Your son-in-law picked out already. No worries. I love our nightly chats.
Love,
Sarah
Dear King,
I almost cried today watching those boys from Sudan move to the United States. No one was there to answer all their questions. Why didn't the camera operators help them out! They just watched them eat butter and moist towlettes because they didn't know what they were. Lame. There has to be more to this life than what I am doing at this very moment. Please use me to do something on this earth. My heart weeps for these refugees from Sudan. For the child soldiers of Sudan. For the Red Light District in India. There has to be more than this. So much more. I will not sit here in Minnesota until I'm an elderly woman and not have done anything for anyone who is suffering. I want to be used to bring hope and love and joy and answers and food and money to these people. There has to be more than this.
Your servant,
Sarah
How do I come across more money? Can I just get a job painting faces at kids' birthday parties once a week? What is a girl to do when she has 40 dollars to her name for the next 1.5 weeks...and I even got paid today. Sheesh. Life is tough. Good thing I'm not eating. That would make things a bit more complicated. Praise You water is free!
Thanks,
Sarah
Dear Creator,
I love my curly hair. I don't know if I've ever told You that before. Is there any way you could speed up the hair growing process? Like overnight would be awesome. I'm sorry I don't treat my body as the temple it is all the time. Help me to remember that daily and not dwell on comparisons. You made me this way and it's beautiful. I am beautiful. You have quite the imagination. No person looks exactly alike. No snow flake is the same as another. Each fingerprint is completely different. I could never do anything that You do.
Yours truly,
Sarah
Dear Father,
Thank you for tucking me in at night and keeping watch over me as I sleep. I feel a lot safer when I tell You to come near all day. I hopefully am less of a road rage crazo now that You're around more. I am sorry for throwing my pearls before swine all my life. I know that You have Your son-in-law picked out already. No worries. I love our nightly chats.
Love,
Sarah
Dear King,
I almost cried today watching those boys from Sudan move to the United States. No one was there to answer all their questions. Why didn't the camera operators help them out! They just watched them eat butter and moist towlettes because they didn't know what they were. Lame. There has to be more to this life than what I am doing at this very moment. Please use me to do something on this earth. My heart weeps for these refugees from Sudan. For the child soldiers of Sudan. For the Red Light District in India. There has to be more than this. So much more. I will not sit here in Minnesota until I'm an elderly woman and not have done anything for anyone who is suffering. I want to be used to bring hope and love and joy and answers and food and money to these people. There has to be more than this.
Your servant,
Sarah
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