I eat my candy with pork and beans

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.
For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
- matthew 6:13-14 -

I looked at a whole ton of pictures today of the Lonavala campus at the U of N Pune. That is the exact campus I will be staying at while I am in India. The pictures I thought, would help ease my mind on the craziness of India, but they did not at all. In fact they did the exact opposite. I did not see hardly any "Americans" in the pictures, granted they were taken a few years ago. I still was worried that I would be the only person from the U.S. there. Why does this scare me? I usually run with the idea of spending time with people of other cultures. My favorite people in New Zealand were the Koreans, and I fell in love with a Fijian! I jump at the opportunity to be with people who aren't familiar with the "American" way of life. I should be even more excited to go to India because of this observation, yet I am hardly there. All I can think is, "this is going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done!", "This is going to be so hard!", "what am I getting myself into?" Which is exactly what God wants. It's a hard way, a narrow way, but the only way. I am so thankful I didn't choose Montana or England. Although England isn't sounding so bad. But, New Zealand wasn't a far off stretch from the American culture. India is going to be a whole new ball game. Nothing familiar at all. Even in Europe it was easy. Vanuatu was hard, but not incredibly crowded, and a very simple way of life.

My promises are of no avail to you except as you apply and appropriate them by faith. In your daily walk, you will be victorious only to the degree that you trust Me. I can help you only as you ask. I will meet you at every point where you put action alongside prayers. Only as you walk will the waters of adversity be parted before you. Overburdened as the world is with trouble and sickness, I need those who have proved My sufficiency in everyday, personal experience to lead the suffering to the fountains of life. I need those who have found Me as burden-bearer to help bring deliverance to the oppressed...
...No case is too hard for Me. Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. "Faith and Action" - Francis J. Roberts

I Will Walk With Integrity

I will sing of steadfast love and justice;
to you, O Lord, I will make music.
I will ponder the way that is blameless.
Oh when will you come to me?
I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.
I hate the work of those who fall away;
it shall not cling to me.
A perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will know nothing of evil.


Please let that be me, O Lord. Mold me into this person. Make me blameless. Let me not be tempted by evil things. My desire right now is to be all that you want me to be. It shouldn't take a human to make me want to be better. It should be you. Granted you came as a human but also as God. Give me holy dreams. Show me eternity. Open my eyes to holy things unseen. I am yours, Father. I am yours.

People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous

Oh my goodness.
I am so nervous about this India business. I feel like there are 7,432 things I need to do before I leave and right now it seems so complicated and hard and nerve-wracking and terrifying and impossible and unrealistic. But I know that with God all things are possible! Why, this time, do I doubt His provision and His peace? Why am I so worried about this? I must bring this into the light.

I am not working tomorrow because I'm afraid I have tonsillitis and I don't want the family to get it. It doesn't hurt much, but it's annoying having a swollen throat and when I sleep it seems to get worse. Because I'm not working tomorrow I think I'll go somewhere quiet and spend the day with my Father. That would be amazing. I pray the weather is nice tomorrow so I can go hide away in nature somewhere. I want to write a song tomorrow! I want to hear your voice tomorrow! I want to find a piece of my identity tomorrow! I want to feel peace tomorrow! I want to intercede tomorrow! I want to see your glory tomorrow!

I am getting overwhelmed here. So many things are going on in my life right now. I am looking to move home from St. Paul, but the same time I'm supposed to try to move home my family is moving to a new house and we're supposed to be having this giant rummage sale for me! I also have to apply for a Visa for India sooner than later but not too soon. I need plane tickets which is turning out to be hard since my return flight is too far in the future for them to book anything. I must get $8,000 dollars somewhere. I can't think about this anymore. I'll be up all night tossing and turning wondering how this stuff is going to fall into place if I write anymore about it.

Father, I know you are in control of this. I know that you will provide for me. I give my concerns and worries to you right now. Please calm my body and my senses and my nerves. Make my heart HUGE! I want to not be concerned with how things are going to get accomplished but work on healing things before I leave. Please put my priorities in the right places. Reveal to me what my priorities should be this week so that I can work on them in a good way, a pleasing way to you. I only want to glorify you with this decision and stressing out about all the details isn't doing that. I want to trust you completely. I want to be open with friends and family here and share my worries and doubts. I pray that you'll bring me confirmation for India so that I have an awesome testimony to how great you are.

May the Lord do what is good in His sight.

Stick with me baby, you gotta stick with me baby

I just purchased the Robert Plant and Allison Kraus CD. AMAZING!

Today I conquered my fears and sprinted past my nervous feelings. I tore down a wall that was in dire need of bulldozing. I now feel like I can see farther off into the distance than I have been able to for the last 7 months. I am praying that this will turn into something beautiful and I can't wait to become a great friend in someone's life. A better friend than I have been. A real person. Needless to say, I am so thankful that it happened and for now whatever happens I'm okay with.

I dislike thunderstorms. Perhaps the day I don't shudder when I hear thunder will be the day I am no longer a nervous person. I have been scared of thunderstorms ever since I can remember. It's like a hate/love relationship. I love their power and it reminds me that God is powerful in a world where I feel we water Him down so much saying He's our Love and Father and friend and wants to sweep us off our feet. Those things are all true of course, but we lose the power and might and creativeness of Him.

That was when I ruled the world

I wrote this a few months ago and want to keep it around:

The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.

Sometimes I actually consider becoming anorexic! Can you believe that? I'm going through one of those no confidence phases. The biggest mountain in my life keeping me from seeing God's glory is comparing myself to other people. I'm not as fit as her, I'm not as good at guitar as him, I am not as good as the super nanny, I don't look good in that kind of dress, etcetera.

I need God to speak to me more. I remember praying in my dreams! I miss that. My mind and spirit were so focused on God that my dreams were about Him. That's what I want every night.

Here's something I read today that I believe is for me from God:

O My Beloved, abide under the shelter of the lattice-for I have betrothed thee unto Myself, and though ye are sometimes indifferent toward Me, My love for thee is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for thy love and affection is deep and constant.

Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with Me. Take it, though ye leave the tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance than ye think. Our time together is like a garden full of flowers, whereas the time ye give to things is as a field full of stubble.

I love thee, and if ye can always, as it were, feel My pulsebeat, ye shall know many things the knowledge of which shall give thee sustaining strength. I bare thy sins and wish to carry thy burdens. Ye may have the gift of a light and merry heart. My love bower is the place where ye shall find it, for My love dispels all fear and is a cure for every ill. Lay thy head upon My breat and lose thyself in Me. Thou shalt experience resurrection life and peace; the joy of the Lord shall become thy strength; and wells of salvation shall be opened within thee.

Lord, make those truths known in my life. Let me dream about You tonight and give me strength to love Ryley with a pure heart tomorrow.

Cause It's Been One of Those Kind of Days

No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends. - John 15:13

I'm pretty sure that doesn't say "No one has greater love than to kill for his friends."

I am also pretty sure we are supposed to love our enemies. Whether they are going to kill innocent people or not.

I hate "what if"s.

I also dislike discussions and arguments, but boy oh boy did I walk myself into a large one tonight and it was pretty much like two against one! I was ready to cry and leave angry, but then I told them how I felt and we changed the subject. Thankfully my friendship is more important to them than winning an argument.

So what if my opinion doesn't agree with yours. You telling me your argument isn't going to miraculously change it, and me sharing mine isn't going to change your mind. This I know all too well, and this is why I dislike discussions and arguments. Nothing changes, so what's the point?

I can't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours

I cannot fall asleep. This has become all too familiar lately. First, I get terrified of eternity, more than usual, then I can't fall asleep. What is going on? I just got off the phone with my roommate. She had a job interview a few days ago in Houston and basically is going to be offered a job tomorrow. A pretty swanky one too! She'll have a company car, phone, office, you get the idea...She'll pretty much be moving down there at the end of June. I basically have one month left with her! I'm sort of jealous. I can't even be a sales associate at Urban Outfitters, and she is being offered this cushy job in Houston? She'll be making way more than I probably ever will, and here I am going to India in 5 months with hardly a penny in the bank and a wheel bearing that needs to be replaced in my car. I just have to try to remind myself that it's okay travelling down the non-traditional path. It's okay having a job that barely pays the bills. I still make more than a majority of the people in this world. It just seems kind of ominous when I look at the big picture. I need at least $8,000 dollars by September 27th. When I lay in bed all I can think about is how I'm going to save money. What can I cut out of my life that I'm spending unnecessary funds on? What can I do to save every penny? How will I find more income? Worry, worry, worry! Lord, I cast all my worries on you because you care for me. I know you will provide. Please take away my fear and earthly doubts. Show me your Kingdom here and now. Make me your instrument.

In the last few months the weeks have flown by, but for some reason this week is ever so slowly creeping along. I am so ready for these 40 days of relations, transformations, and missions! I am so ready to start reading your ancient yet always applicable words again. I am so ready to fast for 40 days again...fruits and veggies that is. No worries folks. I won't be going without solids again for awhile.

Since I'm on the complain train I'll just get a few things off my chest while I still can.
I want a second job.
I want my CD to be duplicated.
I want out of the band.
I want a boyfriend.
I want to be able to eat everything I want and still lose weight.
I want to wake up happy.
I want to sleep in every day.
I want to take guitar lessons.
I want to go to therapy.
I want to stop paying taxes.
I want to find $8,000 on the ground.
I want to go swimming all day tomorrow.
I want someone to tell me I'm worth something.
I don't want to sing at my cousin's wedding on Saturday.
I want to say "no" for once in my life.
I want to get rid of my car and never own one again.
I want to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents.
I want to go to Fiji for a month.
I want to go to Perth for two or more years.
I want to go to Lauren's wedding, but with Mal Pal.
I want to fall asleep as soon as I lay down again.

Most of all, I want my desires to reflect your heart.