The enemy has been defeated, death couldn't hold You down

Going to the cabin alone was the most brilliant idea I've had in years! God spoke to me, he held me, he loved me, He even inspired a new song in me once again. I love when He shows you verses and parts of books that are completely relevant to what is going on in your life. I hope my final week of work reflects my time alone with my Love. I couldn't wipe the silly grin off my face last night.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Sometimes I wish I was attracted to certain people, but I know that if I was they wouldn't feel the same way about me. Know what I'm saying? Like, right now I don't have feelings for this person and they don't have feelings for me, but they're an amazing person so it'd be cool to be attracted to them, but if I was they wouldn't have feelings for me still. Get it? Got it? Good.

I made a choice on Tuesday to not have a crappy week with these kids. It is so hard when they bicker, fight, argue, hit, kick, yell, scream, scratch, pinch, and won't eat a single thing I have to offer unless it's a waffle or grilled cheese sandwich. It's hard not to get frustrated and it's hard not to yell at them and tell them how incredibly ridiculous they are. Especially when their only form of communication is some sort of whiny infant noise that barely comes through their mouth cause their bottom lip is so large and pouty. I hate pouty lips. Also, when kids cry over WAFFLES! or anything else. Goggles. Shorts. Cheezits. TV. Blankets. You get the idea. I dislike many aspects of children. Which seems so unreal because I love them so much. I wish I could video tape them now and save it for 10 years and show them all the little brats they can be when they were younger.

Lord, I want to write a new song. I have been itching to write one for a long while. Please inspire me and give me words to sing to you or to a friend or to a family member or to a people group or to a celebrity even! Whatever. I just want a song.

I also care so deeply for my dear friend who seems to be spiraling downward, knowing it's happening, knowing it's her choice, knowing how to change it, yet it continues. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything I guess. I don't want to enable her, I just want to love her. It's hard for me and I know it's not up to me, so I'm putting her in your altar. You are the rescuer; you are the comforter; you are the healer; you are the pursuer; you are the Father; you are the lover; you are the only thing she needs right now. The only thing.

Basically I Cannot Live Without You

That's the title of my newest song. Written today...

whenever I reach out to hold your hand
it always finds itself lonely
whenever I try to see your face
I have to imagine what I see

Whenever you try to speak to me
I can barely hear your voice
whenever you try to give me hope
anything else seems to be my choice

You are the only thing that makes me breathe
You are the reason for everything inside of me
You are the only way I make sense
It's about time I held you in my arms

Whenever I want you you're always there
just waiting for me to call your name
Whenever I need you you're one step ahead of me
I don't ever need to feel ashamed

I'm the only one who pushes you away
you'll make me stronger every single day
and when I mess up like I always do
you'll stay beside me like you always do

...

I read a bunch of my old online journals today. Man, what a pathetic teeny bopper I was! I always thought I was better than those girls who fawned after boys night and day. I have a very long list of unrequited lovers. It seems to be my curse, but looking back on that I feel I have grown. A lot. I no longer feel a need for a man in my life. Not that I don't want one, but it's not a pressing issue. I am not interested in anyone, and no one is interested in me, and I am 100% okay with that. I'm trying to be content with Jesus and only Jesus in my life. Sure I love my friends and family, but I feel like my priorities are out of whack. I am not focused on what is true, right, and pure. I am focused on lies, wrongs, and flawed things. Money, food, clothes, feelings. Even feelings are my worst enemy most of the time. Feelings have a way of controlling me. I guess it's the curse that comes with being a musician. The cross I must take up is for me alone. Jesus and me. Well, he's already carried my cross and died on it. That was my cross Jesus, how could you? I deserved to be hung on that cross, not You. You did not have to go and do that. But you did, and for that I can never repay you. I can only try my hardest to glorify You in all areas of my fallible life. Dear Lord, help me to realize the opportunities you are giving me to practice self-control and patience. You are totally amazing and wonderful. I almost can't believe that you can fit the entire universe in the breadth of your hand and you also reside in my tiny room with me right now and actually love me. More perfectly than anyone on this earth can or will.