I am so ridiculous. I do not have a crush on you. Silly boy. Why must I do this to myself over and over, time and time again. Set myself up for disappointments. It's the story of my life that's for sure. I always start being interested because I think they might possibly like me. It really is exciting until they don't do anything about it so then I think I'm not good enough when I'm totally good enough. It's probably them that's not good enough for me. I mean I know for a fact this one would be not so great of an idea to get romantically involved with, but I'm a girl and anyone who pays any attention to me is automatically put on the long list of boys I have had crushes on. Ahhh, how pathetic I truly am. I truly am pathetic I'll have you know. I bite my fingernails. I don't like touching people. My hands must always be clean. I have to sleep with the window shade open. I really don't know what to say around you, but I will tell you my entire history with men if you ask. I'll share my problems and my struggles and my favorites. It's weird ya know? I won't just volunteer information, but if you only ask I'll tell you everything. Too much even. I'm weird like that. Always have been. So I guess what I'm trying to say is just ask me questions. I'll talk. Now it's sounding as if I want you to have a crush on me. I know that won't happen so why get my hopes up...besides you're no good for me, or I'm no good for you. Either way we wouldn't work. It'd be awkward. That's for sure. I mean it would be amazing at first. It always is. It would be awkward when it stops working and we're no longer happy. Then we'll have to see each other all the time and well, it just wouldn't work. I'll just keep telling myself that until it sinks in and I no longer feel the need to impress you.
Why should I write about new dresses and things. Things, things, things. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Food, food, food. Drink, drink, drink. I am all the things I'm not supposed to be. Though I can't help it because I am a human being. There's no way I'll never struggle with everything I am struggling with now, yet for some reason that doesn't keep me from trying. I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant? How about taking off some of this excess weight? That would be awesome. Also, could you please change my brother's heart? Could you speak to him also? Could you make him uncomfortable so he looks for you? May you please put hope in the hearts of my close friends? Peace as well? Will you give me songs to sing? New ones? Beautiful ones? Will you please bless my parents? Take away their anxieties and worries? Give them peace?
I wish that I could live life without doubts, fears, confusion, sadness, but would life really be any fun then? Probably not. No surprises. No ups and downs. It's the downs that make the ups so damn perfect! Nothing in this life would seem perfect if there wasn't hell before it. I guess I am thankful for all the mess of this world because it makes the good seem better and the imperfect, perfect. There wouldn't be any good news if there were no bad news.
I hope that I loved you more today than yesterday, and not as much as I'm going to love you tomorrow.
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