Basically I Cannot Live Without You

That's the title of my newest song. Written today...

whenever I reach out to hold your hand
it always finds itself lonely
whenever I try to see your face
I have to imagine what I see

Whenever you try to speak to me
I can barely hear your voice
whenever you try to give me hope
anything else seems to be my choice

You are the only thing that makes me breathe
You are the reason for everything inside of me
You are the only way I make sense
It's about time I held you in my arms

Whenever I want you you're always there
just waiting for me to call your name
Whenever I need you you're one step ahead of me
I don't ever need to feel ashamed

I'm the only one who pushes you away
you'll make me stronger every single day
and when I mess up like I always do
you'll stay beside me like you always do

...

I read a bunch of my old online journals today. Man, what a pathetic teeny bopper I was! I always thought I was better than those girls who fawned after boys night and day. I have a very long list of unrequited lovers. It seems to be my curse, but looking back on that I feel I have grown. A lot. I no longer feel a need for a man in my life. Not that I don't want one, but it's not a pressing issue. I am not interested in anyone, and no one is interested in me, and I am 100% okay with that. I'm trying to be content with Jesus and only Jesus in my life. Sure I love my friends and family, but I feel like my priorities are out of whack. I am not focused on what is true, right, and pure. I am focused on lies, wrongs, and flawed things. Money, food, clothes, feelings. Even feelings are my worst enemy most of the time. Feelings have a way of controlling me. I guess it's the curse that comes with being a musician. The cross I must take up is for me alone. Jesus and me. Well, he's already carried my cross and died on it. That was my cross Jesus, how could you? I deserved to be hung on that cross, not You. You did not have to go and do that. But you did, and for that I can never repay you. I can only try my hardest to glorify You in all areas of my fallible life. Dear Lord, help me to realize the opportunities you are giving me to practice self-control and patience. You are totally amazing and wonderful. I almost can't believe that you can fit the entire universe in the breadth of your hand and you also reside in my tiny room with me right now and actually love me. More perfectly than anyone on this earth can or will.