You're an ache I've learned to crave

I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. I know that you can't help it. You can't control it. I am running past stop signs in my mind every moment but I just ignore them like they're useless. Since when is a stop sign useless? This sort of thing doesn't happen when I'm not around, so why should you feel like it's all your fault? If I was never there we wouldn't have this problem would we? It's not so much a problem anymore as a habit. A habit one should not have in common with their close friends. I am so very sorry for everything. I never meant to make you feel this way. I never wanted you to feel like you pissed off the Creator of our everything. He is slow to anger after all. He's not so much pissed off as dissapointed. At both of us. Not just you. You may feel like it's more on you because of what happened over a year ago, but you should not feel anything for that anymore. I mean sure you might have crushed my entire being, but I feel like I'm slowly ripping pieces of you apart. This is in no way how I should be acting. It isn't lady-like first of all, and secondly it isn't how I was created. Sure the desires in and of themselves are of God, but the actions are not. I am so sorry I have been listening to the enemy. I have been feeding evil in my life that you do not know and it has slowly over time lead to this sick, twisted thing we have. I don't want to have this kind of bond with you. We must build eachother up not break eachother down. I want our friendship to be holy and an offering of worship to our loving Father. He created us for relationships. Good, healthy, loving, beautiful relationships. Please forgive me for giving into my humanness and selfish desires. I pray it never happens again. I pray that we get maturity out of this. I pray that our eyes are opened to what friendship is supposed to look like. I pray that you grow and change in Him alone and that no one would cause you to fall as far as I have ever again. I truly do love you. You are my brother and I must treat you as exactly that. One should protect her brother and look out for him, not cause him pain and self-doubt. For these things I am sorry and I pray that you forgive me. I pray that I can forgive myself. I am thankful our Father has already forgiven us.