It has come to my attention that I will never be able to stop myself from being amazed by a man. There will always be one man in my life that I am going to want a relationship with. Sure, I want to meet new guys all the time cause my future husband is still out there somewhere, but I almost don't want to meet anyone new because then I start the whole girl routine and can't stop thinking about them and even though I've seen them twice in my whole life I won't be able to stop talking about them! Ay carumba. I hate the way that I am sometimes. Especially when there's a man in my life who seems to be awesome right now, granted he is human and hopefully the more I get to know him the more I realize that. I must stop putting people up on these pedestals. I meet someone, I think they're not human, they let me down, and then I end up hating them. If I just go into the friendship knowing they're human just like me everything will be alright. I know this certain person is human, but at the moment it doesn't seem like he could hurt a fly. I should know by now and all the heart-ache I've gone through with boys in my past that this is not true. He could hurt someone. He could hurt me. He could do a lot of things just because he is human. I take comfort in the fact that he is in love with the same Man I am in love with, but that hasn't stopped me from doing horrible things. So, here I am, getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him and it makes me almost chuckle at myself because I really am only doing this to myself. I don't know how to stop feelings from coming out of what I think is my heart. Maybe I'm just too trusting with everyone I meet. I really do want to be good friends with everyone. I don't think that's a crime. I just wish I could guard my heart better than I am. I wish I knew how to do that. As of right now I'm clueless. I am but a fool in this life. Hopefully I can become wise and turn into a woman some man wants to marry. I know it'll happen someday, but today is not that day. Tomorrow probably isn't that day either. I almost want to never hang out with men again! That way I can't get all flustered and stutter over my words and try to be something I'm not and laugh at things I really don't think are funny and do things I don't want to do. I could make a list of what I think the perfect guy for me would be like, but then God would just put someone in my path that is completely different than what I think is right.
O Lord, if only my mind would wander to thoughts of You.
Please guard my heart against evil things.
You should be my everything and my life-giver.
You alone are worthy of my thoughts and speech.
Lord, you have my heart and I want a glimpse of Yours.
Please put people in my life that'll give me reality checks.
Make me happy again.
Make me enjoy work again.
I want to love life and do things without timidness.
Please give me radical thinking.
Most of all I want to be a pioneer.
May the Lord do what is good in His sight.
Frost on my window
I'm in for the night
you've got a phone
keep me in mind
just give me a try
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