Let's Pretend We're in Antarctica.

Oh Life, Why must you pass by so quickly? I finally scrape up enough money to pay my bills and before I know it one month has gone by and I have to pay them again. I wish to live so simply, but I cannot seem to give up all my stuff. In Luke 3:11 John says to his disciples, "the man who has two tunics is to share with him who has none; and he who has food is to do likewise." I really want to start living like that. I have more than enough clothes, shoes, food, even money if I think about it...even though it seems like I'm barely getting by at times. I make more money that a lot of people in this world. If I just take a step back and look at all the things I use and actually need it would be a pretty short list compared to the long list of things I use but do not necessarily need. There are so many things in this life I feel like I waste my time thinking about and worrying over. I have so much anxiety it's ridiculous. I do not remember a time when I didn't bite my fingernails. I'm convinced I have some sort of deep-rooted anxiety and nervousness that is the reason for a lot of things I feel are "wrong" with me. I need healing. Lots of it, and I don't really know how to go about starting it. How do I address all the things in my life I need to forgive and forget and move on finally? I cannot go it alone.

I have been so antsy lately. I have been looking at YWAM schools all day long online. I want to go somewhere and experience new things again. I want to meet new people. I want to fall farther in love with the man who created me. I want to be more confident in who I am and most importantly my intelligence. I feel so weak. I feel so small. I sometimes wonder if I've been wrong to not go to college. I feel like everyone my age is smarter than me. Using words I don't know and knowing things I should know. I know these have to be lies from Satan, or from my own brain. God would never tell me I'm not as good as other people my age and should go to school. In His eyes I am very good and He wants to use me somehow. I just wish I knew that "somehow". I wish I knew what it was He wants to use me for. I'd totally go to college if He gave me a passion for a career. I'd totally do 25 more YWAM courses if He told me to. I'd totally sell all my things and move to the South Pacific if He wanted me there. But I don't know what He wants for me. What does the Bible tell me He wants? That's what I must embark on. A new adventure, discovering mysteries my mind and heart have not come across yet. Stumbling upon ancient ruins and treasures so amazing.

The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.