I love this time of year and I hate it just the same.
I love the music.
I love sleigh bells.
I love snow.
I love christmas trees.
I love food.
I love Jesus.
I hate snow.
I hate getting fatter.
I hate the cold.
I hate driving.
I hate feeling alone.
I hate money.
I hate living pay check to pay check. I cannot afford to drive to Colorado in 2 weeks! How the hell am I supposed to do that? I don't even want to go! A weekend spent driving is not a weekend at all.
What am I doing wrong with my life for it to be like this? I feel like I don't know what to do. I can't get "into" Jesus. I can't get "into" his words. I just can't do it! I want to. I try to. But for some reason I just can't. I can't even sing to him right now because I have a horrible cold. I almost want to sell everything I own and be homeless. Not until Summer of course, but I mean live exactly like Jesus did. Move from home to home. Staying for a little while each place. Not ever worrying about where my rent money will come from cause I won't have to pay it! To feel like a total failure isn't good for one's self-esteem. That's for sure. I'm not so sure I like this "moving out of the parent's house" crap. It's not all that it's cut out to be. I owe so much more money than I ever thought possible! And for some reason it all falls on the same day of the month. How incredibly lame. Well, no more complaining. I must praise in good times and bad.
Thank you for an apartment.
Thank you for a job.
Thank you for my wonderful family and friends.
Thank you for being $50 dollars short of my bills in the next 2 days.
Thank you for weeping.
Thank you for always being with me. Right here with me. All the time. No matter what.
Thank you for hard times.
Thank you for shady internet connections.
Thank you for understandings.
and thank you for humanity.
Being human is the hardest thing, but I cannot escape it.
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1 comment:
Your blog is so interesting. I could read anything you write for hours. anyways, something hit home. I hate being alone too. Man! For some reason more then ever I am in romantic fantasy land with no prospects in sight. It's so annoying. How do you turn that off? I miss being bitter and enjoying singleness. Well, maybe not being bitter but you know.
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