Thoughts Results of Static Cling.

Does he realize how hurtful his words are most of the time?
I am pretty sure he has no idea.
I am so ready to go home.
and by "home" I mean that wonderful far-away place that is incredibly warm.
Warm in climate, and emotions.
I miss my family there.
I miss my friends there.
I miss the busyness and the stress.
I hate not having anything to do.
I hate that I am not cherishing every moment with him because of the hurtful things he unknowingly says.
My heart is cold here.
That is something I am not okay with.
It is also something I cannot seem to help.

How weird is it knowing there is a person out there who looks exactly like your dad and oldest brother?
Someone you do not even know.
Someone you do not remember ever talking to or being around.
Someone you know almost nothing about.
A brother from another mother, but the same father.
One who seriously looks like a clone image of my father and oldest brother.
It is quite strange.
Sometimes I want to sit and listen to his stories.
Most of the time I don't.
Sometimes I want to sit and tell him how much he has hurt us all.
Most of the time I don't even want to think about it.
Sometimes I want him to come back like the prodigal son.
But I know that my dad won't mimic the father in that story.

Does he realize his lack of faith is causing me to doubt my own?
He does not even know who I am anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if he ever did.
It hurts to love someone so much, and have it feel unrequited.
How can that love be unrequited?
I cannot talk to him about this because I will only weep the entire time.
I don't even know if I want him to know how much I hurt when I am around him.
How terrified I am to bring home the one I love because he is so good at discouraging people.
That is not something anyone should be good at.
And the last person I want him to discourage is the one I love.
I can handle it because I have had to handle it my whole life.
But that isn't how it is supposed to be.

Baby, It's Cold Outside.

I heard on the news last night that in the last 40 days it has snowed on 30 of them! I always pick the best time to come back home to Minnesota. I really will make a point not to come here during January and February ever again.

Here's how my day looked today:

Woke up at 9:00 in the morning and ate some cereal. You have no idea how wonderful it is to have 5 different kinds of cereal to choose from IN YOUR OWN HOUSE! It is amazing. Plus cold milk, ready to drink!
Today I had to take Peaches, the fattest Toy Poodle you will ever meet, to Petsmart to get groomed. This is what my life has become upon arrival at home. I clean the house, make dinner for the family, and take the dog to her appointments. I grab her and put her in my car and the entire 15 minute drive to the store she is crying and shaking! This was no small shaking either, it was chihuahua style almost seizure-like shaking. When we arrive at the store I have to carry her the whole way through the store and now she is trying to jump out of my arms kamikaze style. Last time I did this I made the mistake of using a leash and she was able to somehow squeeze her fat little head out of the collar and started running towards the front of the store and they have automatic motion-sensored doors so as soon as she got up to the first door it opened automatically for her! Fortunately I caught up with her and before the second door could automatically open to the outside world I grabbed her. So, I decided to carry her in the store from then on. We get back to the grooming place, I drop her off and go to Starbucks.
A couple hours are spent in Starbucks reading through the book of Ruth and writing in my neglected journal. Then I get the phone call, Peaches is ready to go!
When I get to Petsmart again I have to buy a toy for her and have them remove the tags then as soon as we get in the car she has something to play with instead of going ballistic and trying to jump into my lap for the 15 minute drive home. I don't know if you know this, but it is nearly impossible to drive with at Toy Poodle in your lap.
Well, we made it home without a problem and the rest of my day was spent doing dishes and trying on old dresses I forgot I had in a box in the basement.
For lunch I attempted scrambled eggs with some Indian spices in them. However, when I put the shaker over the eggs a mound of masala came out instead of the dusting I was trying to attempt. I could only eat half of them
Doesn't that sound like such an exciting day?

While reading Ruth today I really related to Ruth. She was a foreigner in a strange new land. She moved from her place of origin, her culture, her people, to go to a land far, far away with a people she did not know. She told Naomi, her mother-in-law, that basically she is choosing to leave everything behind to become a part of a strange culture. I was immediately reminded of myself, leaving America, my family, and this culture behind and moving to India and making it my new home and my new culture and my new family. I will say it has not been easy to remain obedient to God's calling and God's purpose there. In Ruth you don't hear of any complaining or regret in her leaving everything behind and living in a new, uncomfortable place. I am trying my hardest to live in India without letting the culture and language and climate get to me. I am also trying my hardest in coming back here to not let the culture, language, or climate get to me either! It is strange to feel like a foreigner in the country where you have citizenship. Some of the things it is hard to get used to:

The cold! In India it is 70 degrees at least every day.
Going to the bathroom. I won't go into detail, but it is hard to get used to.
Going to church. As an American living in India I no longer can relate to most of the things pastors here talk about. But also as an American in India, It is equally hard to relate to pastors in India. This is a new thing I realized this past week.
Scandalously dressed women. Which basically means anyone wearing a short skirt, dress, or showing their shoulders! Yikes.
Prices! Everything here is at least 8 times more expensive than in India. I can buy 12 bananas for 20 cents in India. I can buy a medium pizza for $4.00!
Independence! In India it was hard to get used to always having people around and I just wanted my privacy!!! Now all I get is privacy and I just want people around!!! I feel so lonely here.

More shocking things:
Electricity 24/7!??!
Hot water anytime I want it!??!
30 different varieties of sour cream!??!
Jeggings?? I did not even know what those were!
So many white people. Everywhere.
Cleanliness!! Everything here is so clean!

Now I'm about to eat GOULASH! Thank God for goulash. I think I even spelled that correctly! Wow.

I've got a secret, I can't tell you!

I have decided to start sending postcards to celebrities. Just to see what happens. I also have decided if I was bold enough to go on Wheel of Fortune, I just might win a few thousand dollars. That might be fun, right?

It is really fun to read my last post so far after I wrote it all. Here I am now sitting at my parents with an engagement ring in the next room. It's funny that I have my engagement ring already in my posession, and I have to bring it back to India with me and give it to my Boy so that he can use it to propose in the near future. I guess it all did work out very nicely!

It's resolution time! I always make long lists of resolutions and then never stick with them, so instead of a resolution for this whole next year, I am just making short-term goals for a month or two at a time. Like for the next two months I have a gym membership for the first time in my life and I plan on going there every day these next two months. I want to look hot for my Boy when I see him again on March 31st. It will have been 9 months since I last saw him! I am going crazy. Seriously. I have never felt this way about another man in my life ever.

Tomorrow begins my new lifestyle of working out like crazy and eating right! I'm going to work out like Michael Phelps, minus the swimming. All my suits are in India and I have nothing to swim in here now except clothes. Although for some proposterous reason, Target is selling swim suits already. What the heck is going on?

Right now my Dad is coughing up a lung in the bathroom and it's 1:00 in the morning. I am so thankful that I have never smoked a day in my life and never will. You know it is quite disheartening to come home to parents that still smoke and quite honestly I am surprised they don't have more breathing complications than they have. They really have been going at it for 40 years. I wonder what their lungs look like sometimes, but if I knew I'd probably weep, so it's best not to think about it. They get really upset if I talk about all this, but what am I supposed to do, pretend it doesn't eat away at my insides every moment of every day that I am home? At least when I'm in India I don't think or worry about it. I'm thankful I will be marrying a man who does not smoke and never has and never will. I think there are two paths to take as a child of chain-smokers. 1. you become one yourself, after all it was unavoidable, right? or 2. you never touch the stuff and you literally would rather do any other horrible thing in the world instead of even trying to smoke a cigarette. But then I worry that if I don't do it then my kids won't know how aweful it is and they'll do it cause it's "cool." Oh I do hope smoking isn't "cool" anymore when my children become teenagers.

In other news: I bought a book today called, "Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to a Healthy, Happy Relationship" and I hope that it is insightful and funny and offers me wisdom and advice to keep me going down this path because I really like where this path is heading and I'd hate to be scared away from it.

You Make Me Brave

Everyone is getting engaged. Everyone is getting married. So many people have already been married so far this year that I personally know. So many people have yet to get married this year that I personally know. Everywhere I go and everything I do I am constantly reminded of MARRIAGE! Why is this? Is it because I have given up in the romance department and vowed a life of celibacy for the next two years? Now I am always being shown what I could have been well on my way to by now? It's different when you are surrounded by marriages and engagements and you can't do anything about it, but for me, I could be in that same boat right now. I had that opportunity, and believe it still exists as of this very moment if I just said "yes" and jumped in head first to the unknown waters of love.

Sure I've tested the waters. I've put my toes in to see how it feels. It's not that I didn't like the feeling, it's just that I am terrified. Terrified of commitment, especially life-long commitment. I'm also terrified I may have lost the best chance I had with true love. Then again, I am reminded of a promise I was made during my DTS. I will get married, and God has picked him out. I sometimes wonder if it is supposed to be who I want it to be, or if it is going to be someone completely different. Right now I can't imagine anyone else. So, why would I be afraid of this commitment? I just have always been wary of commitments. I could never commit to a specific ministry for more than a few weeks. I could never even commit to a school growing up. I look back and see that I can't even commit to friends for that long. I am not close with anyone from my childhood anymore. No one from elementary school. Not even anyone from Junior High school. Not anyone from High school either. I'm still close with two people from my youth groups at church. I break up with my boyfriends and end up barely speaking to them again. However, this more recent relationship has been contrary to all my past relationships. I am thankful for it, but I am beginning to see that it might have to be an all or nothing deal.

Why must life be so full of mistakes and difficult situations? I can't even cope most of the time. And now I am a student once again, but a student teacher of sorts and along with processing all this information and past avoidances I need to prepare and give teachings and sermons!

Is it wrong to simply want September to come as fast as possible? Is it wrong to want April to come soon after that? I feel like my life is simply waiting for the present to become the past, and I look forward to deadlines in the future, only to reach them, celebrate for a moment, then set another deadline in the future to wait for. That is not how life should be lived.

All in all, what I'm trying to say is, I want to fully know myself sooner than later so that I can fully give myself to my husband and I want to know God as much as possible before then. I am still in love with someone, I still find it hard to love myself, and I still am trying to love God more than anything or anyone else.

We Mostly Work to Live, Until We Live to Work

Why is my mind such that if I find something I really want, I won't let it die until I get it. It sits in the back of my mind, almost marinating in my desires, until it's just like some sort of fix I need to feed! I wish I could save money and not have all the things I want, but no, I must have all the things I want. I NEED THOSE THINGS. At least that's what my brain is telling my mind.

I bought some Ugg boots today. Why in the world do I need ugg boots when I am in fact, moving to India? I felt they'd actually be good for winter there and traveling to London and then to Mumbai. I mean, Uggs on a plane? Sounds relaxing, comfortable. I'd look so awesome. And wool is equally as good for keeping you cool as it is for keeping you warm, right? RIGHT?

Ay carumba. I'm going to go wallow in self-despair and regret now for the next few days until they come in the mail and I fall in love with them and am glad I purchased them.

At least they were on sale for only $70 dollars. That's actually quite the deal. I mean, I would have been stupid to pass that up, right? RIGHT?

I've been to the dentist a thousand times so I know the drill

Going to the dentist is usually easy and relaxing for me. They just clean my teeth, tell me how to live my life with a healthier mouth, and talk about the weather. I get a free toothbrush, floss, and these stringer things that look like giant sewing needles but made of flexible plastic and the color blue so that I can floss around my permanent retainers in my mouth.

Growing up I did not have any cavities. Ever. I think I might have had one once when I was a teenager. However, when I was done with high school and chose not to go to college I was booted off my mother's medical and dental insurance plan. Something about not being in college and working a real job caused the government to think that I am responsible enough to take care of myself. So for about four years I had no health insurance of any kind and did not go to the doctor or the dentist. I then at the ripe old age of 22 decided to go to India for school and in going to school once again I could be on my mom's insurance finally. That didn't take effect until after I left though, so after my first three months in India I came back for Christmas for 13 days and had my mom schedule a physical, travel clinic, and dental appointment during that short window of time.

Going to the doctor was fine, I was healthy, blah blah blah. The travel clinic nurse couldn't believe that I already lived in India for three months without Malaria pills. I knew the threat before I went. I just didn't have the money to go to the doctor for malaria resistance drugs, but upon actually having insurance and going I found out that travel clinic is not covered by health insurance because it's elective stuff. Whatever! This is God's call on my life! It's not elective! I must obey Him! Also, when I told her what city I was living in she was all, "OMG! That area has the biggest threat of malaria!!! How are you malaria free??!?!" So, she perscribed me six months of malaria medication and I took it for like 2 weeks when I got back. I cannot do anything daily for more than two weeks. This is a proven truth for my life. Birth control? Not going to happen. I will always be pregnant when I am married. No, I'll just get the implant thing in my arm. That's what I hope.

So, after being offered all these optional shots for rare diseases I might catch if I'm in a small sewage pond in the middle of a valley surrounded by goats and cows with no sign of human beings within a 300 mile radius of my body, I finally went home glad I didn't have malaria and now after coming back from the six month stay I feel invincible to the malaria virus! I lived in India for nine months and did not catch it at all! I had thousands of mosquito bites but was a legend.

Back to the real reason I'm writing this: The Dentist. I went to the dentist during Christmas and found out that I had six cavities. Yes, I said six. I could not make an appointment at that time to get them filled in the next five days before I headed back to India, so I agreed to come back in August when I would return and get them filled then. If you know me, you know I'm a procrastinator and so I finally went back to the dentist two weeks ago, May. Seven months after I said I would, and one year and five months after they discovered the cavities. You can imagine my mouth would be much worse, and it was. I got a cleaning first to assess the situation and found out my mouth didn't think five was enough and so three more had moved in. I now had eight cavities to be filled. They couldn't even do it all in one session! They had to schedule two separate appointments for me!

I went in for the first session of fillings and they put this numbing stuff on my gums to avoid the pain of novocaine needles piercing my mouth. This stuff tasted much like that spray stuff you can buy at Walgreens when you have a sore throat. So the doc comes in and takes out this super needle that has no end of novocaine. It is connected to a tube which forever supplies it with novocaine. When he brings it out it makes this "bing" noise over and over and when he sticks it in my gums it continues this bing noise until it feels enough has been injected into me and then it sounds like a short steel drum solo from the islands. He sticks me a few times on the upper right and left sides of my mouth and soon my whole top row of teeth and face is numb. I get to enjoy the feeling of the drill a little later when he finishes up the right side of fillings and then moves onto the left side which had now already been injected with novocaine at the same time as the right, so it has worn off a little. He moves onto drilling the very back tooth and a sharp pain shoots through my body and I shoot my arms up in the air and freak out. He then sticks the novocaine needle in my gums again, but this time without the pre-numbing stuff and I go insane. I no longer can control what my mouth and head is doing. My head is shaking and tears are welling up in my eyes. I can't imagine what I looked like to my doctor.

Finally, the novacaine sets in and he begins drilling again, but this time I'm almost expecting the pain to happen again so I am sweating and my head is still shaking, but I don't feel anything. Next he needs to put novocaine in the very back of my mouth to numb the bottom and that hurt so bad. It felt like he was sticking that needle into my jaw bone and scratching it around in there. Then he started on the bottom. He finally finished the last filling almost two hours after beginning. That was only five fillings. I had to go back in two weeks to get three more. I was traumatized during this visit. I never wanted to set foot in that dental facility let alone any other one ever again.

Today was that second, dreaded appointment of doom. Apparently they have this sedative pill they can give you before they start the work so that you don't really remember anything and you don't end up labeling the dentist as a terrifying place or person, however calling and requesting that pill the morning of your appointment doesn't fly. I settled with nitrous oxide this time and was determined to have them put it on "high" the entire time. I got in and brought my iPod so that I could be somewhat calmed by the soothing sounds of Buddy, Ian McIntosh and some low-key Hindi music. They put this thing over my nose which pumped me full of laughing gas. I was not in the mood to laugh, but it made me feel like one would feel after they've had just enough beer to almost be drunk. I wish I could have a tank of nitrous oxide at home and do that instead of downing 600 calories in beer to get the same feeling. The jamaican novocaine needle came out again and it was over in a matter of what seemed like minutes, but just a few seconds. Then it all went numb and he drilled and then filled and it only took a little under one hour. This experience was much better, but I will still get that pill next time. Seriously. I have been scarred for life.

On the bright side, I have been terrified into a daily floss routine and will use as much fluoride in my mouth as I possibly can without poisoning my body. I never want to have another cavity again as long as I live. I would rather get malaria or TB.

Come away with me

I recently started reading the most hilarious blog ever. Seriously! A girl, Allie, who is the same age as me, perhaps one year older, writes this craziness and illustrates it in humorous ways. I am never a fan of reading and reading things never makes me laugh. However, when it comes to this girl I laugh a lot. Out loud even! One could say, "lol."

When I read certain things I desire to write in certain ways. When I read the epistles of Paul I want to write theological things in proper Greek ways so as to sound not like the fool but the wise. Should I therefore write for my own egotistical gain? By no means! I must write for the glory of our Father in heaven for it is he who gave all, his only son for me, a weak man (woman), to live with him eternally on that day I go home.

Or when I read Harry Potter I wish to write like every part of my life is this exciting adventure. One that all my friends are in on and have these crazy characteristics that I must document and then leave it up to your imaginations to see what my legion of friends looks, sounds, and acts like.

And now, as I read this blog about hilarious life situations, I desire to write things hilariously and full of wit and randomness. I even wish to illustrate it with funny MS Paint illustrations, but I have a macbook and therefore do not have MS Paint. The best I could do is draw on a piece of paper and take a picture of it with Photobooth and post it on here. Yeah, that's not ghetto at all.

I don't know why I'm writing about all this. The real reason I came here to Starbucks was to write a blog for India and read some of my required reading before I go. The Seven Laws of the Learner: How to teach almost anything to practically anyone! Yikes. What a title! It's not that hard of a read, it's just the motivation is not within me to pick it up for any reason other to move it to a different place of rest.

Which to bury?

I have nearly had enough. Stubbornness, rudeness, quarreling, bickering, I don't need added stress to my life. I don't need this. I don't need you right now. You think you've come so far. You think you've done all these wonderful things. Who am I to judge you though? Who am I to bring up all the things you've done and still do "wrong?" I am no better. I am guilty of the same "crimes" as you. I am just as bad as you. I spend my money, I eat out. I argue back. I roll my eyes. I think I've changed. You get the idea. But I really don't want to deal with you. I really am tired of excuses and cancellations. The world does not revolve around you nor does it revolve around me. We both need to figure that out and take it and run with it. Run towards love and acceptance, not away from it. Trust in God as he does his perfecting work. Which he will do and is always doing because he cares for us both equally. However, just because he loves me and you the same does not mean I have to like you right now.

Why can't we all, all just be honest?

Spilling my guts out via cyberspace mail could not have come at a worse time. It just happened to come out of me mere days before a mutual friend died. Why couldn't I have done it earlier, or waited way later? I guess these things all happen for some sort of reason. Reasons unknown to me and everyone else involved.

Why is it a 24 year old girl full of life and love suddenly died in her hostel of "natural causes?" Why did it have to be in that city where the taliban just swooped upon? Perhaps she was going to experience far more terrifying things and so God prevented that. I wish I could just take a glimpse into God's reasoning. But then where would my faith be?

It's hard waiting for answers. Waiting for e-mails. Waiting for autopsy results.

Work seems meaningless right now, as does spending money on anything. I don't know where I am right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, musically. However, things are changing. Things are happening. Maybe I don't know where I am because I have always been somewhere I don't belong and now I am finally moving into a place where I was always supposed to exist. "You have found this place where you belong." That's what a prophetic guy from Canada said to me in India. At the time I thought he was talking about India, and at the time I didn't want to belong there. In hindsight, I know I belong there for a while but also know that he didn't mean India specifically. I think he was speaking of a different plane. I found that balance of all things in my life, perhaps not being exactly right, but all heading towards the right direction. Which is where I always should be--heading the right direction.

Somehow, of all the new music I have received and purchased lately, I cannot stop listening to Lily Allen's new album. It shows that she has grown up a lot. Musically and emotionally. It's inspiring to me. Her first album was quite awhile ago, but it really does take time to grow up, to mature, to figure out who you are. I may not be writing many songs right now, but I cannot wait until I figure out myself and my Creator a little bit more, then I'll be unstoppable!

Life is hard most of the time. But I will rejoice! I know the truth. I am light. I am salt. I am loved. I am forgiven. I have a seal. I know where I belong. The trouble is getting there. Fortunately, I have the greatest help this world has ever known.

Today! Today, I live for one thing

I feel as if there is suppressed creativity welling up inside of me. I am itching to write a song, write a blog, write a letter, record music, but every time I pick up a guitar or sit down at the computer or a piece of paper my motivation and desire leaves me completely. My energy has left me months ago and I don't know when it plans on returning to my unloving arms. I'm just shuffling through this life. I am not living for any purposes right now. I need something to live for. Perhaps it's time to take a little trip down memory lane and see how far I've come and decide to keep going instead of standing still or going backwards. I am a woman who is set in her ways and judgmental of people's opinions and tastes in music. Sometimes I think I'm open minded, but I don't think I'm that welcoming of others' thoughts or opinions almost at all.

I can say that I realized some things last night at Starbucks with two very dear friends of mine:

1. I love one of them more and more each time I see them, and when they share problems and dilemmas of life with me, even though I don't know what to say to her, I feel this immense love for her flowing throughout every part of my physical body and mental mind. I mean her life is aweful right now, at least she doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell her, but I love her more even now as I am typing this. She is wonderful and always has been, and no matter what she thinks about herself, she is so so so so strong and has come such a long way from our first moments together. I deserted her once, and I will never do that again.

2. My other friend, who has good intentions, doesn't always encourage people to change in the most loving way. That's just the way she is, and she always has been since I've known her. In fact I sometimes avoid telling her my struggles because I know exactly how she'll try to get me to change my negative attitude. I always eventually tell her everything, but it's hard to do it when it's actually happening. I also love this woman more and more as she changes and matures into a wonderful woman who loves God with all her heart. It's been fun seeing her go from skeptical/follower to passionate/leader.

3. With these two ladies I was completely content even though the situation was uncomfortable and solemn. I got the feeling I only get when looking back at pictures from India, or when I first see an old friend's face on skype, or when I see a small child very well behaved, or when I see an elderly couple walking together or holding hands. It's the same feeling I think Jesus felt when he looked at everyone. The pharisees, the ones he called whitewashed tombs, the lepers, the tax-collectors, the Jews, the poor, the rich, men, women, children. I think Jesus felt this love for every one he encountered. I mean he washed Judas' feet and he knew Judas would betray him. I want to love like he loved and that's all I want to do.

That is all I ever want to do.

Foolish Love

The Ugly Truth, huh? You want the ugly truth? I think I'm leading on a man who has no chance with me. Well, maybe a slight chance, but I always come back to the same conclusion: not gonna happen. Sure he cut his hair. Sure maybe he'll look gorgeous like usual, even more so because of his hair. I don't know yet. I won't skype until I wake up in the morning. I'll still have sleep in my eyes and he'll have had all day to look good. It will be an uneven match which I am okay with because I don't need him falling more in love with me. I need him to forget about me. I need those little versions of himself in his brain to shred all memories with me so that he is not hurt. I don't like the idea of causing him pain, and I don't like the idea of sharing the ugly truth with someone else. Maybe Emily was right, I just need to jump off of this ledge I have been standing on since my second day in India. If not soon, then I'll never jump and why not jump? I have but one life to live. I don't want to live it as a coward. I want to drink it, smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, sleep it, breathe it. I do think it's too soon to jump off this ledge. We'll just have to play by ear and see how this phone conversation goes tomorrow.

Why must being human be so complex?

I am not my own, for I have been made knew

Couldn't I just give away all "my" possessions? Couldn't I just walk everywhere and sleep anywhere? Do I really need money to live in this country? Am I really expected to give money to every Man I come across? There is more than one, oh yes. There are a lot of Men. I want to share with the world that "The Man" has brothers, partners if you will, in his crime of bringing people down. I don't want to owe anything to anyone. That's my ultimate goal. I kind of want to just wander around the world with nothing to my name. I don't even need a name. I could fake my death and start over somewhere else as my real self. The girl no one has ever seen or known, except the One being who created me and knows me through and through. I think I need human beings to be satisfied, but I don't. I know I am created as a relational creature, however the thought of being relational with anyone right now makes me shudder. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but right now Most People is on my last nerve. I have to go to work tomorrow and see Most People. I have to come home and see Most People. I have to wake up and see Most People. Everywhere I go Most People is following me.

Release me from this inward focus. Teach me to be content in every situation as Paul was. I need to eat of the fruit and mostly I need to give out the fruit. But right now everything has gone horribly askew and even my feet have fallen asleep. Can anything go right today? Anything? Bueller? Bueller?

Something is not right with me

I need you to invade every known and unknown aspect of my life. I do not even want to be able to breathe without thinking of you. I am asking that you speed up time when I cannot be with you completely so that you come quicker to my mind and my heart. And that you slow down time when I am engaged in you so that you dwell in my mind and my heart longer. Tomorrow it begins. If I write it down for some to see, I have to do it. I want to do it. Everything I am is yours. After all, you created me.

I realize I was acting all wrong

Men never cease to amaze me. Just when you think they are thick headed and would never even think anything they did was wrong, they surprise you and do something like call you in the middle of the night because they cannot wait any longer. Wait for what you are dying to ask me? He couldn't wait any longer to apologize to me. To admit to hurting me. That is a man if you ask me. A real man.

Oh God hold me now

I am Israel. I am Israel in Judges. I do whatever seems good in my eyes. I need deliverance. I have deliverance, I just don't acknowledge said deliverance most days.

When I see Indian people, Indian movies, even simply tags on clothes that say "made in India" I get a fuzzy feeling of love that wells up inside of me, however secretly deep, deep down inside me the thought of going back to India really scares me.

I've been reading a lot of stories lately of women who have started amazing organizations because they saw one little story on Oprah or read something in a magazine about women suffering in the Congo and suddenly they knew they had to do something and now they are the founder of a giant non-profit that provides education and health care to these women. I want to be like those people. I have always desired to be a pioneer.

When all my thoughts are said and done, I am just like Moses, Jonah, Timothy. I know what to do next, I just am afraid of it.

I won't regret

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But [I] obviously
[I] didn't wanna stick around

So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do
So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do

I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again

I knew this would happen. Maybe it's me being emotional and rational because it is 11:42 PM. However, I felt like this was coming, something brought me to this place, and I have to throw some fleece down. I have to lay it outside and say, "bring me a sign or I'm peace-ing out of this." I don't care if it's dry and the grass is wet or vice versa. Something miraculous must happen in order for me to stay with this. I want dreams, visions, songs, prophecies, anything that is blatant. If it's not blatant it won't count.

I'm sick of breaking hearts, but that's all I seem to be good at.

I Remember It Well

I remember when I didn't even know you existed.
I remember when I saw you around but never talked to you.
I remember when we never said "hi" when we passed each other.
I remember when you were seeing that other girl.
I remember thinking I wish a guy loved me like you loved her.
I remember when you came back from your home.
I remember the first time you said hello to me.
I remember you inviting me to watch your band practice.
I remember you sitting outside next to me and another friend talking.
I remember thinking you liked her.
I remember when you asked me to play a song with you.
I remember you spending a lot of time near me all of a sudden.
I remember that first time we had an actual conversation with one another.
I remember you initiated everything.
I remember the words you spoke when you told me you loved me.
I remember not believing a word you said.
I remember God telling me you were completely honest.
I remember being scared and I was actually going to tell you "no way."
I remember not being able to tell you that.
I remember not wanting to tell you that.
I remember phone calls every single night.
I remember those last few days.
I remember that last morning with remorse.
I remember being terrified my life had took a turn for the worst.
I remember thinking if it was all worth it.
I remember that it wasn't worth it.
I remember crying in my bed thinking about it.
I remember when that day finally came and I was so, so, so relieved.
I remember a shift in my being that day.
I remember I once told you I loved you, but only once.
I remember you telling me you love me most of the time.
I remember back to before the day I left, and things were beautiful then.
I remember what happened and now things are a bit different.
I just don't know what to think anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't even know if I care.
I feel kind of numb about everything.
I smile at the past.
I have an awkward silence with the presence.
I don't know what to feel about the future.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

Why do I think the answer to all my problems is fasting. Maybe it is. Eventually I'll figure some piece of this puzzle out.

First day of school tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when Justin is in school. The Love of my life is in India and my best friend starts the eighth grade tomorrow. It'll be a good day to get my head into the Bible and run a few miles.

I really feel as if I'm wasting my days away. I say I'm going to wake up early, but I just sleep the day away. I say I'm going to eat healthy but I just eat junk. I say I'm going to read the Bible, but I just watch TV. I say I'm going to be to work on time, but I'm always a few minutes late. I say I'm going to go to bed early, but I just stay up late.

Something needs to change, and only I can make that happen. I need to work on my self-control. As of this moment in time I have none. Absolutely none. I'll say yes to anything and everything. Except drugs. Just say no, kids.

I am small and needy

When will it ever stop?
There are many things I need to pray about.
Many things I need to set down,
let go of,
give up.
I couldn't tell you I got a raise at work because sometimes I just don't want to talk to you. I know you love me and that does not make me feel better most of the time. Not that human love will ever make anyone feel satisfied.
I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
I know I need to change.
It takes time, and I'm working on it.
I have reasons for the things I do,
people just don't understand them.
I cannot explain myself.
I'm okay with that.
I am unique and that's the way I was meant to be.
Mysterious and confounding.
I understand me.
He understands me.
That's really all that matters.
As long as I'm doing the Father's will I'll be A-okay.