Take this sinking boat and point it home you've still got time...

I am so ridiculous. I do not have a crush on you. Silly boy. Why must I do this to myself over and over, time and time again. Set myself up for disappointments. It's the story of my life that's for sure. I always start being interested because I think they might possibly like me. It really is exciting until they don't do anything about it so then I think I'm not good enough when I'm totally good enough. It's probably them that's not good enough for me. I mean I know for a fact this one would be not so great of an idea to get romantically involved with, but I'm a girl and anyone who pays any attention to me is automatically put on the long list of boys I have had crushes on. Ahhh, how pathetic I truly am. I truly am pathetic I'll have you know. I bite my fingernails. I don't like touching people. My hands must always be clean. I have to sleep with the window shade open. I really don't know what to say around you, but I will tell you my entire history with men if you ask. I'll share my problems and my struggles and my favorites. It's weird ya know? I won't just volunteer information, but if you only ask I'll tell you everything. Too much even. I'm weird like that. Always have been. So I guess what I'm trying to say is just ask me questions. I'll talk. Now it's sounding as if I want you to have a crush on me. I know that won't happen so why get my hopes up...besides you're no good for me, or I'm no good for you. Either way we wouldn't work. It'd be awkward. That's for sure. I mean it would be amazing at first. It always is. It would be awkward when it stops working and we're no longer happy. Then we'll have to see each other all the time and well, it just wouldn't work. I'll just keep telling myself that until it sinks in and I no longer feel the need to impress you.

Why should I write about new dresses and things. Things, things, things. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Food, food, food. Drink, drink, drink. I am all the things I'm not supposed to be. Though I can't help it because I am a human being. There's no way I'll never struggle with everything I am struggling with now, yet for some reason that doesn't keep me from trying. I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant? How about taking off some of this excess weight? That would be awesome. Also, could you please change my brother's heart? Could you speak to him also? Could you make him uncomfortable so he looks for you? May you please put hope in the hearts of my close friends? Peace as well? Will you give me songs to sing? New ones? Beautiful ones? Will you please bless my parents? Take away their anxieties and worries? Give them peace?

I wish that I could live life without doubts, fears, confusion, sadness, but would life really be any fun then? Probably not. No surprises. No ups and downs. It's the downs that make the ups so damn perfect! Nothing in this life would seem perfect if there wasn't hell before it. I guess I am thankful for all the mess of this world because it makes the good seem better and the imperfect, perfect. There wouldn't be any good news if there were no bad news.

I hope that I loved you more today than yesterday, and not as much as I'm going to love you tomorrow.

The last time I saw Jesus I was drinking bloody marys in the South.

Dear Lord Jesus, God Almighty! Why must I be this way? How is it I am so quiet and soft-spoken around him but as soon as he leaves I can call a different guy and talk to him a mile a minute and tell him all the things I wanted to say to the first guy but didn't cause I'm such a RETARD and so is the first guy because he didn't bring it up! Aghh. All I want is to be noble. I am so far from that. All I want is to be valiant. I am so far from that. I just want to say it like it is! I want to speak my feelings. Speak my mind. I don't want to hesitate anymore. I feel like I'm quenching the Spirit. There's a reason I should speak up. There's a reason we shouldn't be doing this, but I'm not going to say anything cause I'm a pansy and incredibly foolish! I don't want to be a fool anymore. I want to be a fool for Christ, but not just a fool. I don't want to fall in love with every boy I meet. I don't want to eat all the food I see. I don't want to stay up past a reasonable bed time cause I'm blogging. Just before bed time is the WORST time to blog anyway, all my emotions run wild and don't care who shows its ugly head and when. A lot of self-pity, self-doubt, shame, and self-hate comes out of rants and raves like these at 10:52 PM.

I am officially done with these pity party blogs. I am not a child anymore. I am an adult. I am a woman. I am valuable. I am precious. I am valiant. I am noble. I am wise. I am scandalous. I am creative. I am intelligent. Yes, even I am beautiful. Radiant. Captivating. Sharp. Bright. Totally awesome. Witty. Compassionate. Peaceful. Soothing. Encouraging. I am not my own. I do not belong to me. I belong to Jesus. I belong to the man who created me and loves me perfectly. The Man who never leaves my side...no matter what I do to push him away. He doesn't even budge! Why do I feel like I need a human when I can have God? When I have God? God has me. I am His and His alone. It always comes back to that.

Thanks for reminding me!

xoxo

You're an ache I've learned to crave

I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. I know that you can't help it. You can't control it. I am running past stop signs in my mind every moment but I just ignore them like they're useless. Since when is a stop sign useless? This sort of thing doesn't happen when I'm not around, so why should you feel like it's all your fault? If I was never there we wouldn't have this problem would we? It's not so much a problem anymore as a habit. A habit one should not have in common with their close friends. I am so very sorry for everything. I never meant to make you feel this way. I never wanted you to feel like you pissed off the Creator of our everything. He is slow to anger after all. He's not so much pissed off as dissapointed. At both of us. Not just you. You may feel like it's more on you because of what happened over a year ago, but you should not feel anything for that anymore. I mean sure you might have crushed my entire being, but I feel like I'm slowly ripping pieces of you apart. This is in no way how I should be acting. It isn't lady-like first of all, and secondly it isn't how I was created. Sure the desires in and of themselves are of God, but the actions are not. I am so sorry I have been listening to the enemy. I have been feeding evil in my life that you do not know and it has slowly over time lead to this sick, twisted thing we have. I don't want to have this kind of bond with you. We must build eachother up not break eachother down. I want our friendship to be holy and an offering of worship to our loving Father. He created us for relationships. Good, healthy, loving, beautiful relationships. Please forgive me for giving into my humanness and selfish desires. I pray it never happens again. I pray that we get maturity out of this. I pray that our eyes are opened to what friendship is supposed to look like. I pray that you grow and change in Him alone and that no one would cause you to fall as far as I have ever again. I truly do love you. You are my brother and I must treat you as exactly that. One should protect her brother and look out for him, not cause him pain and self-doubt. For these things I am sorry and I pray that you forgive me. I pray that I can forgive myself. I am thankful our Father has already forgiven us.

What more can I say?

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. -Ephesians 5:3-

Well, damn.

Basically I Cannot Live Without You

That's the title of my newest song. Written today...

whenever I reach out to hold your hand
it always finds itself lonely
whenever I try to see your face
I have to imagine what I see

Whenever you try to speak to me
I can barely hear your voice
whenever you try to give me hope
anything else seems to be my choice

You are the only thing that makes me breathe
You are the reason for everything inside of me
You are the only way I make sense
It's about time I held you in my arms

Whenever I want you you're always there
just waiting for me to call your name
Whenever I need you you're one step ahead of me
I don't ever need to feel ashamed

I'm the only one who pushes you away
you'll make me stronger every single day
and when I mess up like I always do
you'll stay beside me like you always do

...

I read a bunch of my old online journals today. Man, what a pathetic teeny bopper I was! I always thought I was better than those girls who fawned after boys night and day. I have a very long list of unrequited lovers. It seems to be my curse, but looking back on that I feel I have grown. A lot. I no longer feel a need for a man in my life. Not that I don't want one, but it's not a pressing issue. I am not interested in anyone, and no one is interested in me, and I am 100% okay with that. I'm trying to be content with Jesus and only Jesus in my life. Sure I love my friends and family, but I feel like my priorities are out of whack. I am not focused on what is true, right, and pure. I am focused on lies, wrongs, and flawed things. Money, food, clothes, feelings. Even feelings are my worst enemy most of the time. Feelings have a way of controlling me. I guess it's the curse that comes with being a musician. The cross I must take up is for me alone. Jesus and me. Well, he's already carried my cross and died on it. That was my cross Jesus, how could you? I deserved to be hung on that cross, not You. You did not have to go and do that. But you did, and for that I can never repay you. I can only try my hardest to glorify You in all areas of my fallible life. Dear Lord, help me to realize the opportunities you are giving me to practice self-control and patience. You are totally amazing and wonderful. I almost can't believe that you can fit the entire universe in the breadth of your hand and you also reside in my tiny room with me right now and actually love me. More perfectly than anyone on this earth can or will.

If you want me, satisfy me.

Well hello...It is Saturday night and I just got done delivering pizzas. I worked 3 hours and it was pretty slow. My only hope is that next weekend will produce more tips for me. If not I am quitting the pizza business. It seems to not be as amazing as I pictured it in my mind. I saw myself driving around MG listening to rockin' music and pulling up at people's homes with pizzas in hand. Greeting them with a smile, taking their money, and giving them their steamy, oven-fresh pizzas, smiles all around! Unfortunately it's a bit not that great. I don't much enjoy wearing a uniform. Especially one we have to tuck our shirts into and wear a hat. I am not a hat person...baseball hat that is. Give me a beanie and you will immediately feel the need to ask me out. I'm that hot.

I got my hair cut and colored today. It's been awhile...practically never since I've gotten it done really totally awesome. This is the best my hair has ever looked in my opinion. I basically went to the hair salon ( Bleach in St. Paul ) and told the guy to do whatever he wanted with my head. Those pictures up there are his work of art. I like to call them "Sarah at her best" or "Narce-assist". Ha cha cha cha.

I am going to eat dinner at Galooney's in Uptown this evening and see Once again. I friggen love that movie. It's so perfect because it doesn't have that "happily ever after" ending, and though the meet-cute seems to be in an unrealistic way, I still love it none the less cause One: it's filmed in Ireland and Two: one of the main characters is Czech. Part of my heart belongs to Czech people. Gypsies to be more specific. Gypsies in the Czech Republic.

It doesn't even feel like a weekend to me because I had to work today and I have to work again tomorrow. Fortunately I have Mondays off. PTL for Mondays. Most people hate Mondays...I love them! Just for the Summer though. Too bad the school district can't enforce a three-day weekend policy every weekend!

"We see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels...crowned with glory and honor."

Yes, I now have 4 places I could post blogs...

but this one is good cause it's what Mandi has, and I can leave her comments and all that jazz.

Let's see here. I am going to be more open and honest in this one, since it's basically known by few people. The few people I can share my heart with and be brutally honest. Ahhh. I love those kind of people. Nothing much to say in this first one. I will say though that I am excited for this Summer to be over with. Sad, I know. It pretty much just started, but I wanted to go out to eat with someone tonight and couldn't think of a single person to call. I thought Mandi is gone, Elisha is gone for the weekend, Kim is in Hawaii, and that's pretty much all I wanted to come with, so I ate alone...which ended up being better for me anyway. I brought along Not Even A Hint by Joshua Harris. It's speaking to my soul! I like it already and I'm just finishing chapter two. God is already revealing things to me I never knew before. In case ya'll didn't know it's a book Kimberly strategically "forgot" at my house. Whether she actually forgot it or not I'll never know, but it's just what the Doctor, a.k.a. Jesus, ordered. It's about lust and how there shouldn't even be a hint of sexual immorality in our lives. God said we shouldn't just not commit adultery or sex outside of marriage, we shouldn't even have a hint of sexual immorality, a.k.a lust, fooling around, making out, watching porn, etc. Also, it had a list of what lust is NOT which really opened my eyes. I figured wanting to make out with someone was lust, but in all actuality the desire for sex is not lust, it's lust if you fantasize about it or dwell on that thought. The desire is actually from God. He put those desires in us. It was good to read that.

I think I'm going to go to Dairy Queen now and get one of those new waffle treats. I shouldn't, but I tried the other day and was denied because the person in front of me ordered the last damn waffle bowl. Ah well. I'll try again tonight and then go home and go to bed. Yes, It's 7:30 and I'm thinking of bed already. Score one for me!

Tomorrow night there is going to be a hootenanny at Dave Wayne's house. I am so excited. I've always longed to live in the 60's and now it'll be like I am, for one night. Well, maybe my second night of living in the 60's...my first being the night of Sir Paul McCartney's concert in St. Paul. Now that was the greatest blessing from God EVER! Until I get married that is.

Good bye and good night all who read this and may the Lord do what is good in His sight in your life and mine.