It is hard sometimes in this world to be alone. By "alone" I mean "single." I know that I am not alone. I am never without a Savior, I am never without family, and I am never without friends. I keep hoping that if I become good enough friends with someone they'll fall in love with me. I keep hoping if I lose enough weight they'll want to pursue me. It always comes down to them. I wish so much that it didn't. So long I have desired confidence and apathy towards being in a relationship. I should really never hang out with them alone. It only seems to make me want it more. Being with him today was wonderful. I even enjoyed hearing a story about a girl who was probably way more beautiful than I am. It is a little disheartening to realize I am not going to be pursued here, but that's what I need. Especially right now. I need no distractions even though I feel like I'd have less of those if I were in a relationship. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all those "if"s. It is stupid that being "taken" would give me more confidence and self-esteem. Why is God not good enough for me?
This winter is taking too long to go away. It's destroying my life. I just want to run and never stop. I want to run away from my job and away from my bills and away from this heartache my life is turning out to be. I wish my soul-mate wasn't on the other side of this messed up world. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped and there is no way to escape it. Like in those zombie movies where you're in a room with one door and the living dead are coming through that door. They're coming slowly, but there really is no way out. You're just going to get eaten alive and then even worse, turn into one of them. I think that I have been one of them for so long though. I have just been in denial of it.
I am in turmoil here. My life is seeming to be a tragedy. Hopefully a beautiful one, but never seeming like it. It's hard not knowing what's in store for me. I am always praying I'll get a glimpse of my future in my dreams, but that has yet to happen. I guess even if it did happen I would just think it's another one of my nonsensical dreams. Who knows, perhaps I've been shown hundreds of times glimpses of my future.
I thought it would be easier knowing God has someone for me, but things are just as hard as they were before I knew I wouldn't end up alone...eventually.
March 20, 2008
The kids don't stand a chance
You never realize how ignorant people are until it affects someone you love. It's no wonder people of other nationalities and countries hate "Americans". We really are ignorant. People in this country are so quick to judge people that commit crimes, have no home, or have addictions. It's like we're better than people who do these things. We're all for peace in the Middle East, but we have chaos at home. We try so hard to fix things in this world. Why aren't we trying to fix our own country? Where do these deep roots of hatred, ignorance, racism, and elitism come from? It seems easy for me to love criminals, but it's hard for me to love the people that hate criminals and judge criminals and talk so harshly towards them. Like they know anything about them besides the crime they committed!
Ugh. I don't want to talk about that. It only gets me upset.
Since I can't stop eating anything, ever. I have decided that I will only eat fruits and veggies for a bit. It's okay if I fill myself up on these. It's actually kind of refreshing knowing I'm only putting plants in my body. I had a major head ache yesterday probably from withdrawal of caffeine and chocolate. Mostly Chocolate. That's the only hard thing to abstain from. Chocolate. I also want to start a simple lifestyle, so this is my preparation for that as well. I want to spend less money. Eat less food. Be more active. Drive my car less. No entertainment spending. I feel like my diet now has to be affecting my life and my emotions and my sleep and probably the way I interact with my kids. I am praying this lifestyle change will do just that. Change my life. Forever!
In other news, there is no other news! I have no exciting things going on right now. It's a little disheartening, sure, but I don't always need exciting things going on in my life.
Oh! Here's some "other news". No Country For Old Men doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
Ugh. I don't want to talk about that. It only gets me upset.
Since I can't stop eating anything, ever. I have decided that I will only eat fruits and veggies for a bit. It's okay if I fill myself up on these. It's actually kind of refreshing knowing I'm only putting plants in my body. I had a major head ache yesterday probably from withdrawal of caffeine and chocolate. Mostly Chocolate. That's the only hard thing to abstain from. Chocolate. I also want to start a simple lifestyle, so this is my preparation for that as well. I want to spend less money. Eat less food. Be more active. Drive my car less. No entertainment spending. I feel like my diet now has to be affecting my life and my emotions and my sleep and probably the way I interact with my kids. I am praying this lifestyle change will do just that. Change my life. Forever!
In other news, there is no other news! I have no exciting things going on right now. It's a little disheartening, sure, but I don't always need exciting things going on in my life.
Oh! Here's some "other news". No Country For Old Men doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
March 5, 2008
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Money is the root of all evil. No joke!
I have certain things coming up I must pay for. You know, like my tabs have expired so I need $103.50 for them. Also, I need to pay my car insurance $76 before the 15th or my insurance is kaput... I don't know how this happened. Rent is due today. There goes $420. I am regretting moving into an apartment. I can't leave now. Why is it so hard for me to not eat out? It's one of the hardest things for me to give up! I must do it though. I must. I must also stop eating so much. It's hard for me to stop. I eat and eat and eat and now I'm getting fatter. I'm just going to say it. Don't throw me a pity party. I know i'm not a fat person, but I'm on my way! It's just hard for me to not eat sweets. I love them way too much! It's ridiculous. Lord, take away my sweet tooth please or give me incredible metabolism!
I think my love language that I use on others is gifts. I get so much joy out of making things for people. CDs, cards, paintings, books, journals, collages, even writing songs! It's what I love to do. Create for others.
Any day now I should hear from India whether or not I've been accepted into this school of theirs. I'm a little anxious. A little excited. A little nervous. It's nerve wracking waiting around to be told if you can go somewhere or not. Not that I couldn't go to India if I wasn't accepted. I just couldn't go to this school. A whole lot of other money issues arise when I start talking about this too, so I will stop now.
I'm deciding if I should wait for my sleepy headed roommate to wake up to eat breakfast or just eat it now alone. I hope she wakes up soon.
Pray for me. Everything. I feel like cutting myself off from people. I hate that feeling. I feel like running and never stopping. I love that feeling, but it's cold and snowy outside.
I have certain things coming up I must pay for. You know, like my tabs have expired so I need $103.50 for them. Also, I need to pay my car insurance $76 before the 15th or my insurance is kaput... I don't know how this happened. Rent is due today. There goes $420. I am regretting moving into an apartment. I can't leave now. Why is it so hard for me to not eat out? It's one of the hardest things for me to give up! I must do it though. I must. I must also stop eating so much. It's hard for me to stop. I eat and eat and eat and now I'm getting fatter. I'm just going to say it. Don't throw me a pity party. I know i'm not a fat person, but I'm on my way! It's just hard for me to not eat sweets. I love them way too much! It's ridiculous. Lord, take away my sweet tooth please or give me incredible metabolism!
I think my love language that I use on others is gifts. I get so much joy out of making things for people. CDs, cards, paintings, books, journals, collages, even writing songs! It's what I love to do. Create for others.
Any day now I should hear from India whether or not I've been accepted into this school of theirs. I'm a little anxious. A little excited. A little nervous. It's nerve wracking waiting around to be told if you can go somewhere or not. Not that I couldn't go to India if I wasn't accepted. I just couldn't go to this school. A whole lot of other money issues arise when I start talking about this too, so I will stop now.
I'm deciding if I should wait for my sleepy headed roommate to wake up to eat breakfast or just eat it now alone. I hope she wakes up soon.
Pray for me. Everything. I feel like cutting myself off from people. I hate that feeling. I feel like running and never stopping. I love that feeling, but it's cold and snowy outside.
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