Honey, you are the sweetest thing I ever saw

Okay, so I'm not totally sure what just happened. I was set on applying for a School of Biblical Studies next Fall because my nanny job will not be continuing next Fall. Granted I can't be positive of that, but I'm assuming since the youngest will be starting Kindergarten next Fall. Well, my previous Kidstop Supervisor just had her third child and wants me to nanny for her 3 kids on Mondays since it's my day off, which I have agreed to, but then she asked if I'd be interested in being their full-time Nanny next fall. It'd be another 4 year old and a 1 year old. A little intense maybe, but I mean, if I get paid more than I am now I would love to take it. Maybe I am destined to be a nanny for the rest of my life. I just don't know. I was so determined to go to the SBS in Montana, and now this has come up. I could always go next year. Or in June of 2009. Man, that seems like forever away. I know it's pretty soon to be thinking about next September, but It would be nice to have something lined up. I guess I'd have to see how much they are willing to pay. LIke I said, if it's more than I'm making now I'd be down I think. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those decisions that no matter what I choose it'll all be okay and God will use either path to teach me a lot.

Secret Heart, what are you made of?

I hate being sick. I can't work out when I'm sick, and that means I feel like I'm fat. After just one day. Lame.

I hate being a girl. Why must I fall in "love" so easily? Just to be disappointed in the short run.

I hate not being able to breath out of my nose! I will die in my sleep tonight of asphyxiation! Wow, I just spelled "asphyxiation" correctly.

I love the Lord. I can't go a day without thinking about Him. That's a good sign.

I love music. I can't go a day without wanting to write a song or wanting to play the guitar. I just want to sing always and forever. Why can't some man just fall in love with that?

I love my dog. As annoying as she is. She is the only living thing I'm okay to cuddle with.

I love my family. They are incredible. And don't forget amazing.

I love jake. I only wish some man like him would fall in love with me. Some man who's passionate about Jesus and still a real person. Not overtaken by religiousness and hypocrisy. I love real men.

I love my soul-mate. She really is just that. I am praying she'd wake up a man so we could run away together and get married. Gross.

I love sleep. Even though I can't fall asleep very well as of late. I love having dreams. I love falling asleep wondering what wonderful visions God is going to give me at night. I've been praying for Godly dreams before I go to sleep and haven't had a nightmare in months! It's amazing. I've just been having incredibly weird dreams with cameos and weird situations I would never find myself in in real life. I love falling asleep not knowing what to expect. That's my favorite thing right now. It's just the actual falling asleep I need help with.

I wrote a song recently about my heart, and where the hell it went off to. I don't know. I still don't know. What is it so afraid of? Why can't I just guard it? Why is that so hard? Why can't I meet people and just see them as new friends, not potential life-mates. So ridiculous! And I want to start "dating" someone I've known for awhile??? Yet I fall in "love" with someone upon meeting them? I am so naive. So young. So ignorant. So foolish. So many adjectives to describe what I am.

Let's Pretend We're in Antarctica.

Oh Life, Why must you pass by so quickly? I finally scrape up enough money to pay my bills and before I know it one month has gone by and I have to pay them again. I wish to live so simply, but I cannot seem to give up all my stuff. In Luke 3:11 John says to his disciples, "the man who has two tunics is to share with him who has none; and he who has food is to do likewise." I really want to start living like that. I have more than enough clothes, shoes, food, even money if I think about it...even though it seems like I'm barely getting by at times. I make more money that a lot of people in this world. If I just take a step back and look at all the things I use and actually need it would be a pretty short list compared to the long list of things I use but do not necessarily need. There are so many things in this life I feel like I waste my time thinking about and worrying over. I have so much anxiety it's ridiculous. I do not remember a time when I didn't bite my fingernails. I'm convinced I have some sort of deep-rooted anxiety and nervousness that is the reason for a lot of things I feel are "wrong" with me. I need healing. Lots of it, and I don't really know how to go about starting it. How do I address all the things in my life I need to forgive and forget and move on finally? I cannot go it alone.

I have been so antsy lately. I have been looking at YWAM schools all day long online. I want to go somewhere and experience new things again. I want to meet new people. I want to fall farther in love with the man who created me. I want to be more confident in who I am and most importantly my intelligence. I feel so weak. I feel so small. I sometimes wonder if I've been wrong to not go to college. I feel like everyone my age is smarter than me. Using words I don't know and knowing things I should know. I know these have to be lies from Satan, or from my own brain. God would never tell me I'm not as good as other people my age and should go to school. In His eyes I am very good and He wants to use me somehow. I just wish I knew that "somehow". I wish I knew what it was He wants to use me for. I'd totally go to college if He gave me a passion for a career. I'd totally do 25 more YWAM courses if He told me to. I'd totally sell all my things and move to the South Pacific if He wanted me there. But I don't know what He wants for me. What does the Bible tell me He wants? That's what I must embark on. A new adventure, discovering mysteries my mind and heart have not come across yet. Stumbling upon ancient ruins and treasures so amazing.

The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.

All I want for Christmas...

It has come to my attention that I will never be able to stop myself from being amazed by a man. There will always be one man in my life that I am going to want a relationship with. Sure, I want to meet new guys all the time cause my future husband is still out there somewhere, but I almost don't want to meet anyone new because then I start the whole girl routine and can't stop thinking about them and even though I've seen them twice in my whole life I won't be able to stop talking about them! Ay carumba. I hate the way that I am sometimes. Especially when there's a man in my life who seems to be awesome right now, granted he is human and hopefully the more I get to know him the more I realize that. I must stop putting people up on these pedestals. I meet someone, I think they're not human, they let me down, and then I end up hating them. If I just go into the friendship knowing they're human just like me everything will be alright. I know this certain person is human, but at the moment it doesn't seem like he could hurt a fly. I should know by now and all the heart-ache I've gone through with boys in my past that this is not true. He could hurt someone. He could hurt me. He could do a lot of things just because he is human. I take comfort in the fact that he is in love with the same Man I am in love with, but that hasn't stopped me from doing horrible things. So, here I am, getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him and it makes me almost chuckle at myself because I really am only doing this to myself. I don't know how to stop feelings from coming out of what I think is my heart. Maybe I'm just too trusting with everyone I meet. I really do want to be good friends with everyone. I don't think that's a crime. I just wish I could guard my heart better than I am. I wish I knew how to do that. As of right now I'm clueless. I am but a fool in this life. Hopefully I can become wise and turn into a woman some man wants to marry. I know it'll happen someday, but today is not that day. Tomorrow probably isn't that day either. I almost want to never hang out with men again! That way I can't get all flustered and stutter over my words and try to be something I'm not and laugh at things I really don't think are funny and do things I don't want to do. I could make a list of what I think the perfect guy for me would be like, but then God would just put someone in my path that is completely different than what I think is right.

O Lord, if only my mind would wander to thoughts of You.
Please guard my heart against evil things.
You should be my everything and my life-giver.
You alone are worthy of my thoughts and speech.
Lord, you have my heart and I want a glimpse of Yours.
Please put people in my life that'll give me reality checks.
Make me happy again.
Make me enjoy work again.
I want to love life and do things without timidness.
Please give me radical thinking.
Most of all I want to be a pioneer.
May the Lord do what is good in His sight.



Frost on my window
I'm in for the night
you've got a phone
keep me in mind
just give me a try

Get behind me Santa!

I love this time of year and I hate it just the same.
I love the music.
I love sleigh bells.
I love snow.
I love christmas trees.
I love food.
I love Jesus.

I hate snow.
I hate getting fatter.
I hate the cold.
I hate driving.
I hate feeling alone.
I hate money.

I hate living pay check to pay check. I cannot afford to drive to Colorado in 2 weeks! How the hell am I supposed to do that? I don't even want to go! A weekend spent driving is not a weekend at all.

What am I doing wrong with my life for it to be like this? I feel like I don't know what to do. I can't get "into" Jesus. I can't get "into" his words. I just can't do it! I want to. I try to. But for some reason I just can't. I can't even sing to him right now because I have a horrible cold. I almost want to sell everything I own and be homeless. Not until Summer of course, but I mean live exactly like Jesus did. Move from home to home. Staying for a little while each place. Not ever worrying about where my rent money will come from cause I won't have to pay it! To feel like a total failure isn't good for one's self-esteem. That's for sure. I'm not so sure I like this "moving out of the parent's house" crap. It's not all that it's cut out to be. I owe so much more money than I ever thought possible! And for some reason it all falls on the same day of the month. How incredibly lame. Well, no more complaining. I must praise in good times and bad.

Thank you for an apartment.
Thank you for a job.
Thank you for my wonderful family and friends.
Thank you for being $50 dollars short of my bills in the next 2 days.
Thank you for weeping.
Thank you for always being with me. Right here with me. All the time. No matter what.
Thank you for hard times.
Thank you for shady internet connections.
Thank you for understandings.
and thank you for humanity.
Being human is the hardest thing, but I cannot escape it.