I feel as if there is suppressed creativity welling up inside of me. I am itching to write a song, write a blog, write a letter, record music, but every time I pick up a guitar or sit down at the computer or a piece of paper my motivation and desire leaves me completely. My energy has left me months ago and I don't know when it plans on returning to my unloving arms. I'm just shuffling through this life. I am not living for any purposes right now. I need something to live for. Perhaps it's time to take a little trip down memory lane and see how far I've come and decide to keep going instead of standing still or going backwards. I am a woman who is set in her ways and judgmental of people's opinions and tastes in music. Sometimes I think I'm open minded, but I don't think I'm that welcoming of others' thoughts or opinions almost at all.
I can say that I realized some things last night at Starbucks with two very dear friends of mine:
1. I love one of them more and more each time I see them, and when they share problems and dilemmas of life with me, even though I don't know what to say to her, I feel this immense love for her flowing throughout every part of my physical body and mental mind. I mean her life is aweful right now, at least she doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell her, but I love her more even now as I am typing this. She is wonderful and always has been, and no matter what she thinks about herself, she is so so so so strong and has come such a long way from our first moments together. I deserted her once, and I will never do that again.
2. My other friend, who has good intentions, doesn't always encourage people to change in the most loving way. That's just the way she is, and she always has been since I've known her. In fact I sometimes avoid telling her my struggles because I know exactly how she'll try to get me to change my negative attitude. I always eventually tell her everything, but it's hard to do it when it's actually happening. I also love this woman more and more as she changes and matures into a wonderful woman who loves God with all her heart. It's been fun seeing her go from skeptical/follower to passionate/leader.
3. With these two ladies I was completely content even though the situation was uncomfortable and solemn. I got the feeling I only get when looking back at pictures from India, or when I first see an old friend's face on skype, or when I see a small child very well behaved, or when I see an elderly couple walking together or holding hands. It's the same feeling I think Jesus felt when he looked at everyone. The pharisees, the ones he called whitewashed tombs, the lepers, the tax-collectors, the Jews, the poor, the rich, men, women, children. I think Jesus felt this love for every one he encountered. I mean he washed Judas' feet and he knew Judas would betray him. I want to love like he loved and that's all I want to do.
That is all I ever want to do.
December 8, 2009
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