Cheer up sleepy Gene

There is this whole eating disorder culture that I never knew about. Girls these days are starving themselves! Why? This is single handedly one of the scariest and saddest things I've ever seen. My cousin is a part of this culture. She is starving herself as well, and no one is stopping her. I don't know if I have a right to say anything. I'm afraid she got it from me. Not that I have an eating disorder, but it seemed to have started after the last time I fasted. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything to her. I know what it's like to hate your body every single time you look in the mirror, but there should be people in her life that tell her she's beautiful. Right now she has people encouraging her in this. What the hell is wrong with our culture today that girls feel the need to by sickly thin? It's just ridiculous. I am finally coming to terms with being average. Which is perfect! Average means that most women today are my size. That's all that I need! I don't need to be super skinny, though the thought has crossed my mind. I just need to be healthy. Starving yourself is not healthy. I am sorry that you feel like this is the answer. I loved you before and I love you now. If you want to get in shape let's do it! Let's run every day. Let's eat healthy together! Let's pray for each other and encourage each other in our school work or jobs. With our families and friendships. I know your family seems to be falling apart. I am sorry. No child should have to go through what you've been through. Love your mother though. Forgive her. It'll be so much easier if you just forgive her and move on. She'll come to her senses one day. You are so worth it! So worth it.

Gravity's pulling me, but heaven is calling me

Here I am in bed again. Always, always writing from bed.
Here I am going to sleep way later than I should have. Always, always losing sleep.
Here I am regretting that last nourishment. Always, always wishing I didn't do that.


But, these things are all so tiny. So small. Almost insignificant. Sure, I'll pay for them tomorrow, but the next day I won't remember that I lost sleep, or feel it.

Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Look at the birds! Even they get fed, how much more valuable are you?!!?

I always struggle with that "V" word. Valuable.

God told me once that I was "valuable."

"VALUABLE"
- having qualities worthy of respect, admiration, or esteem
- of considerable use, service, or importance
- admired, appreciated, beneficial, cherished, dear, expensive, held dear, helpful, hot, important, in demand, inestimable, of value, precious, prized, relevant, respected, scarce, treasured, useful, and worthwile

Sometimes I don't believe those things about myself. Most of the time actually.
Sometimes I don't believe those things about other people. Only some of the time though.

Dear friends and family,

I believe you are valuable. You are cherished in my heart. I do hold you dear. You help me out of many sticky situations. I think all my friends are hot. You are some of the most important parts of my life. "Precious" is your middle name. Your words are relevant to my life and I respect you more than you know. I treasure your heart.

The Lord is all these things and more. I love Him more than you. I seek His words more than yours. I want to spend more time with Him. I must realize He is number one, not you. I'm sorry, but He must be more important than anyone else in my life.

I am no longer infatuated with you. I don't care what you think of my opinions. I am not jealous of those girls anymore. Go ahead, turn on the humor. Turn on the charm. I am not falling for it anymore. God is my Love. God is my Hope. God is my Faith. God is my infatuation. My obsession. My life. My time. My song. My heart.

You took a trip overseas...

I do believe God is speaking to me every single day in this wilderness. He has been listening to my cries for many years now and things are starting to happen. Answers are coming. Blessings are being poured out. Trials are happening. Temptations are rearing their ugly heads. All of it is pointing to God. He is the one who gives these things and He is my reason to stand up and fight for these things or against these things.

Should I go to India this Fall? My taxes say I'll be getting half the price of the school back in the next month in refunds. Bush says he wants to give every single individual $800 in a federal refund this year to help boost the economy. Or to help Sarah go to India!

Back in July of 2007 I wrote this: I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant?

Right now, in 2008 so far, I saw Jesus in a dream. I saw His face! The Lord is opening many doors for me. Doors for extra money. Baby-sitting, house-sitting, cooking, cleaning, tax rebates, all of this equals extra income for me. I have been hurting so bad the last two months for money. Things are starting to look up! Doors are opening musically again too. This has not happened for some time now.

in August of 2007 I wrote this: I am so sick of this country I'm singing for. But what can I do to change it...to pioneer in this country? I do not know and He's not telling me anything.

Psalm 16:11 - "You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

I know He's got some tricks up His sleeve for me this year, and I am very excited! I actually look forward to going to India. It scares the crap out of me, but I'm actually excited! I don't think I would have been excited about India a year ago.

What I'm really trying to say here is God is good. All the time. No matter what. Even when life is bad. He will answer your prayers. Keep on praying. Never give up. He loves you more than your parents; more than your boyfriend; more than your wife; more than your SBF; more than your soul-mate.

I came here with a load, but it feels so much lighter since I met you...

Dear Provider,

How do I come across more money? Can I just get a job painting faces at kids' birthday parties once a week? What is a girl to do when she has 40 dollars to her name for the next 1.5 weeks...and I even got paid today. Sheesh. Life is tough. Good thing I'm not eating. That would make things a bit more complicated. Praise You water is free!

Thanks,
Sarah

Dear Creator,

I love my curly hair. I don't know if I've ever told You that before. Is there any way you could speed up the hair growing process? Like overnight would be awesome. I'm sorry I don't treat my body as the temple it is all the time. Help me to remember that daily and not dwell on comparisons. You made me this way and it's beautiful. I am beautiful. You have quite the imagination. No person looks exactly alike. No snow flake is the same as another. Each fingerprint is completely different. I could never do anything that You do.

Yours truly,
Sarah

Dear Father,

Thank you for tucking me in at night and keeping watch over me as I sleep. I feel a lot safer when I tell You to come near all day. I hopefully am less of a road rage crazo now that You're around more. I am sorry for throwing my pearls before swine all my life. I know that You have Your son-in-law picked out already. No worries. I love our nightly chats.

Love,
Sarah

Dear King,

I almost cried today watching those boys from Sudan move to the United States. No one was there to answer all their questions. Why didn't the camera operators help them out! They just watched them eat butter and moist towlettes because they didn't know what they were. Lame. There has to be more to this life than what I am doing at this very moment. Please use me to do something on this earth. My heart weeps for these refugees from Sudan. For the child soldiers of Sudan. For the Red Light District in India. There has to be more than this. So much more. I will not sit here in Minnesota until I'm an elderly woman and not have done anything for anyone who is suffering. I want to be used to bring hope and love and joy and answers and food and money to these people. There has to be more than this.

Your servant,
Sarah

If I stand real tall, maybe I won't feel so small...

Okay, since it's incredibly true, I'll write about how much I love Mandi.
She is the cheese to my macaroni.
She is the water to my thirst.
She is the cocoa to my hot chocolate.
She is the friend I've been praying for the entire time she's been gone.
I thank God for her every day. Especially now. I really wouldn't be able to go on without her.
I don't know how the future looks for both of us, but I do know that we'll always be involved in each other's lives.
I know that God is going to reveal HUGE things to her this year.
I know that God is going to drop His love on her this year.
I know that she is going to be a pioneer in this life.
God is her protector and wants her to know this.
God has blessed me with her in my life.
I really love the time we spend together and have only shared in her gladness and sorrow since she has returned.
I want to share all things with her.
I want her to be apart of my community obsession.
I want her to know that I want her apart of it.
She can invite Kevin too.
I have praised the Lord in her maturity and how much she has grown in the last 7 months.
It's amazing! I mean, she was getting there before she left, and now she is her own woman!
She is woman. Hear her roar for God's Kingdom is coming and she's ready to tell you about it!
The fire that is inside of her heart is inspiring and she does nothing but make me leave her presence more in love and passionate about Jesus.
And yes, Praying with her makes me truly, truly love her.
There's just something about prayer really.
Prayer is the most powerful thing.
Why do "christians" not do it enough!
Luke 18:1 says Jesus told [the disciples] a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 - pray without ceasing
Luke 5:16 - Jesus often withdrew to quiet places and prayed.
Psalm 102:17 - He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; He will not despise their plea.
Proverbs 15:8 - The lord detests the sacrifice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases Him.
Isaiah 56:7 - these I will bring to my holy mountain and give them joy in my house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and sacrifices will be accepted on my altar; for my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations.
And the list could go on forever and ever.
It says the word "pray" in the Bible 365 times. That's one a day!

In another some-what-related-cause-it-has-to-do-with-prayer incident...

I have been praying for months that somehow I would be able to see and touch Jesus. Then, I got a good idea to pray that I would dream about Him because we all know how dreams can seem so real, so i thought if I dreamt I saw Jesus and touched Him in my dream it would be like the real deal. I have also been praying for crazy dreams lately. Crazy, Holy dreams from God, and interestingly enough I've been getting some weird ones, but they have all involved Jesus in some way, or prayer. Either way they've all involved saying His name. This morning when I woke up I couldn't remember any of my dreams, so I thought "dang, that's too bad, nothing exciting today." then immediately I remembered one! I was somewhere with some people, but Eric Dykstra was there and he was teaching at some sort of retreat, and I had received a parking ticket, and wasn't in the best mood cause the concert i was supposed to play at was moved from outdoors to indoors. Suddenly Eric walks up to me and says, "Sarah, Jesus is here to meet with you, but not right now. You have to wait until the right time. You'll know when it is." So I say, "okay." Then, a few minutes later i'm sitting down with everyone listening to Eric talk and I get this weird feeling and Eric looks at me and says, "Okay, now's the time. He's in the woods. You have to go find Him." I leave the room and start walking around this very small forest. I am so nervous, but excited, but a little scared cause I know I'm going to see Jesus any second. Then, as I get to the edge of the trees I look down a hill and see Him standing under a tree. I start to walk down the hill, but then decide I should run cause I mean, it's Jesus! I run up to Him and jump up and wrap my arms around him and just hug him tight and say, "hi!" in an excited nervous, like he's my best friend that I haven't seen in a long time cause He went overseas for awhile. I just kept hugging Him. He wanted to show me something, but I told him that I just wanted to hug Him for now and He said that was okay and was smiling at me the whole time. It was incredible. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes. He was wearing a white robe with the blue sash you know? Kind of the stereotypical one, but He was different than that. It was so strange, but a good strange. I only hope to see Him again tonight. This was another, straight up, unquestionable answer to prayer. I'll have to write this down in my book for that!

Praise the Lord God almighty. He is all knowing, all seeing, and all powerful. He is love. He is incredible. He is terrifying. He is wonderful.