I really am on a roll! I can't stop thinking. Sometimes I believe my thinking gets the best of me. I hate that I fall in love so easily. It's not even love. It's like as soon as a man pays attention to me I go crazy! I can't stop thinking about it so now when I see this person next I'm going to make an absolute fool out of myself because I've been thinking about him all effing week long! Oh Lord, I know this is happening before I go to India for some stupid reason. It'll be nice to get away from this country for awhile. I totally and fully believe we need to start changing the United States, our home, before we go out "into all the world" and I'm not going to India for anything other than studying. I want to come back with a passion for this country and a love for our own people. I don't want to hate this country. I don't want to feel like it's a waste of time. I want to be a pioneer in America. That might be harder to do here than a different place, but that's why it needs to happen. I went to New Zealand because it was going to be hard. I went to Vanuatu because I knew it would be the most challenging place to live. I am going to India because I'm terrified of it. I feel comfortable here, but I know that once I start becoming uncomfortable here it will begin the most uncomfortable time of my life!
Sometimes I don't want to fall asleep because I know what I'm going to dream about. Last night was one of those times. I must stop feeding the fire.
July 30, 2008
I just cannot wait no more, no more, this is our fate, I'm yours
Oh man. I think that life is really funny! Let me tell those of you that actually read this a story. When I was pretty young, we're talking 11 or 12 years of age I hung out with my cousin Mikey a lot. We talked every day on the phone and I did a lot of things with his family. He had this friend. A very good looking friend I thought at the time, but I think Mikey ended up telling his friend that I had a crush on him. Much to my surprise and horror, Mikey's friend wanted to have nothing to do with me and said I was ugly. Harsh words for a 11 year old girl to hear! Every time Mikey brings up this person I think of how foorish I was and naive to have liked some jerk-ass boy just because I thought he was cute.
Today was Tuesday, Trashy Tuesday as us McCollor cousins like to call it. This time, our third...maybe fourth Trashy Tuesday Mikey invites some friends. He told me that the boy I used to think was so cute back in the day was coming, and I'm thinking, "how embarrassing, if he remembers who I am! I'm done for" I didn't know what to expect, so I had a beer. By the time he got there with his other friend I was in for quite the treat! They pretend to be these made up people sometimes, and it's actually the funniest thing I've seen in a while. So, they take their masks off and finally introduce themselves, and they're both really awesome guys! Even the one who had rejected me so early on in life! After we hang out for awhile they decide it would be best for them to leave. I did not want them to leave. I liked being around them. They were silly, and I like silly. They also were not high, so that was a huge plus as well. After they left Mikey's friend of old contacted Mikey and told him that I was cute! His cousin Sarah was cute.
Of all people in my life I never thought he'd be one I'd ever, ever see again, and it's funny now because he actually thinks I'm cute this time, and after seeing him now I didn't think he was all that cute. Oh man, funny how life does these twists and turns. For real. I will see him again on Saturday, though it's not him I'm excited to see again. Golly, why can't Jesus lovin' guys be attracted to me? I always pull in the "bad boys" the guys with one thing on their mind. You know the type.
What's so wrong with making out with someone you hardly know anyway?
Today was Tuesday, Trashy Tuesday as us McCollor cousins like to call it. This time, our third...maybe fourth Trashy Tuesday Mikey invites some friends. He told me that the boy I used to think was so cute back in the day was coming, and I'm thinking, "how embarrassing, if he remembers who I am! I'm done for" I didn't know what to expect, so I had a beer. By the time he got there with his other friend I was in for quite the treat! They pretend to be these made up people sometimes, and it's actually the funniest thing I've seen in a while. So, they take their masks off and finally introduce themselves, and they're both really awesome guys! Even the one who had rejected me so early on in life! After we hang out for awhile they decide it would be best for them to leave. I did not want them to leave. I liked being around them. They were silly, and I like silly. They also were not high, so that was a huge plus as well. After they left Mikey's friend of old contacted Mikey and told him that I was cute! His cousin Sarah was cute.
Of all people in my life I never thought he'd be one I'd ever, ever see again, and it's funny now because he actually thinks I'm cute this time, and after seeing him now I didn't think he was all that cute. Oh man, funny how life does these twists and turns. For real. I will see him again on Saturday, though it's not him I'm excited to see again. Golly, why can't Jesus lovin' guys be attracted to me? I always pull in the "bad boys" the guys with one thing on their mind. You know the type.
What's so wrong with making out with someone you hardly know anyway?
July 28, 2008
They build buildings so, they build buildings so, they build buildings so tall these days
Today was a good day. Let me just start off by saying that. Mostly it was a good night. I was able to see The Dark Knight again (I keep wanting to write "Night" instead of "Knight") with my bro Justin. I think he liked it. He didn't talk much about it afterward, but perhaps he thought about how amazing it was. He is only 13 years of age though, just barely old enough to enjoy anything more complicated than legos and pizza rolls. He is a funny kid, I'll give him that. He's beginning to get influenced by the world and that scares me a little bit. I can imagine it being hard since his only friends are school friends and none of them are good influences. He just goes with the flow even though he won't admit it.
I was very excited that I got to see an old friend, and by old, I mean incredibly old friend tonight. It's probably been about 5 or 6 years since I saw them last, but a few more than that since we talked. It couldn't have been a deep conversation either because it was when we were 11 or 12. Funny, I know. Needless to say, it was really good to see this person and I am sad we only talked for a few short minutes and they leave tomorrow only to be gone for another 14 to 18 months.
It was good to spend time with a new, old friend. I say new because we've known each other for a little less than a year, and I say old because they already feel like those old friends you have that you go to first with things. Not that I go to this person first, but he's one of the first in my mind when I need help or need prayer or have encouragement or even just simply want to hang out with! I got to help him out this evening and I thought it only fitting since he helped me out so much when my family was moving. He's one of those "lifers" you know? Well, he'll be a "lifer" until he gets married, then who knows what'll happen, but I know we'll be good friends until then. I say "he" like he's going to get married first, and it's probably true.
I fall in and out of love so easily I wonder if it ever was love in the first place.
God, I don't want to fall in love in India. I don't want to fall in love with a man there. I want to fall in love with You there, but not a human man. Not for me. I want to focus on You and your words. I want to fall in love with that country and the people of that country and their culture, but not a specific man.
Can you imagine if I hadn't broken up with that boy in sixth grade shortly after we started "going out"? what my life would be like now. I'm not saying we would have been together since then, but what if it were longer? I think my first relationship was a mini-version of all my future relationships. Short. To the point. Almost pointless. I say almost, because there was one I feel was not pointless at all. I really did love this one, at least I think I did. Not the sixth grade one. Anyway, I never really knew any of my boyfriends very well before they took on that roll in my life. I think that is why they never lasted.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I know the answer to that. I am not ready. I am not myself yet. I still don't know what it truly means to be confident. I fall in like way too easily. I don't think I'm good enough most of the time. I stumble over my words a lot. I am quiet a lot of the time. I have sweaty hands and I bite my fingernails. Shall I go on? I do, however, know that I am valuable, beautiful, and worth peoples' time most of the time.
I had a good night. I'm going to bed with a smile on my face. I hope to wake up with it still sitting there and I pray it sticks with me all day at work.
I was very excited that I got to see an old friend, and by old, I mean incredibly old friend tonight. It's probably been about 5 or 6 years since I saw them last, but a few more than that since we talked. It couldn't have been a deep conversation either because it was when we were 11 or 12. Funny, I know. Needless to say, it was really good to see this person and I am sad we only talked for a few short minutes and they leave tomorrow only to be gone for another 14 to 18 months.
It was good to spend time with a new, old friend. I say new because we've known each other for a little less than a year, and I say old because they already feel like those old friends you have that you go to first with things. Not that I go to this person first, but he's one of the first in my mind when I need help or need prayer or have encouragement or even just simply want to hang out with! I got to help him out this evening and I thought it only fitting since he helped me out so much when my family was moving. He's one of those "lifers" you know? Well, he'll be a "lifer" until he gets married, then who knows what'll happen, but I know we'll be good friends until then. I say "he" like he's going to get married first, and it's probably true.
I fall in and out of love so easily I wonder if it ever was love in the first place.
God, I don't want to fall in love in India. I don't want to fall in love with a man there. I want to fall in love with You there, but not a human man. Not for me. I want to focus on You and your words. I want to fall in love with that country and the people of that country and their culture, but not a specific man.
Can you imagine if I hadn't broken up with that boy in sixth grade shortly after we started "going out"? what my life would be like now. I'm not saying we would have been together since then, but what if it were longer? I think my first relationship was a mini-version of all my future relationships. Short. To the point. Almost pointless. I say almost, because there was one I feel was not pointless at all. I really did love this one, at least I think I did. Not the sixth grade one. Anyway, I never really knew any of my boyfriends very well before they took on that roll in my life. I think that is why they never lasted.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I know the answer to that. I am not ready. I am not myself yet. I still don't know what it truly means to be confident. I fall in like way too easily. I don't think I'm good enough most of the time. I stumble over my words a lot. I am quiet a lot of the time. I have sweaty hands and I bite my fingernails. Shall I go on? I do, however, know that I am valuable, beautiful, and worth peoples' time most of the time.
I had a good night. I'm going to bed with a smile on my face. I hope to wake up with it still sitting there and I pray it sticks with me all day at work.
July 23, 2008
Some days aren't yours at all, they come and go as if they were someone else's days
Most days I hate my job.
Some days I love my job.
Most days I am tired.
Some days I get to sleep in.
Most days I go swimming.
Some days I lift weights.
Most days I wish I would cry.
Some days I wish I could stop feeling.
Most days I wish I could help my friend.
Some days I do not want to.
Most days I do not want to spend any money.
Some days I spend too much.
Most days I see my family.
Some days I feel my heart break for them.
Most days I like to recycle.
Some days I am too lazy to recycle.
Most days I worry about everything.
Some days I do not have a care in the world.
Most days I miss friends from far away places.
Some days I miss friends right around the corner.
Most days I desire to write new songs.
Some days I actually do it.
Most days I want to change the world.
Some days I spend wondering how that will ever be accomplished.
Most days I laugh.
Some days I only sigh.
Most days I eat too much.
Some days I hope to never eat.
Most days I judge everyone I come across.
Some days I judge myself more harshly than any other thing on this planet.
Most days I glorify the world.
Some days I glorify the Lord.
Some days I love my job.
Most days I am tired.
Some days I get to sleep in.
Most days I go swimming.
Some days I lift weights.
Most days I wish I would cry.
Some days I wish I could stop feeling.
Most days I wish I could help my friend.
Some days I do not want to.
Most days I do not want to spend any money.
Some days I spend too much.
Most days I see my family.
Some days I feel my heart break for them.
Most days I like to recycle.
Some days I am too lazy to recycle.
Most days I worry about everything.
Some days I do not have a care in the world.
Most days I miss friends from far away places.
Some days I miss friends right around the corner.
Most days I desire to write new songs.
Some days I actually do it.
Most days I want to change the world.
Some days I spend wondering how that will ever be accomplished.
Most days I laugh.
Some days I only sigh.
Most days I eat too much.
Some days I hope to never eat.
Most days I judge everyone I come across.
Some days I judge myself more harshly than any other thing on this planet.
Most days I glorify the world.
Some days I glorify the Lord.
July 17, 2008
You might be a big fish in a little pond
I must resolve to never spend money again unless it's going to my car or cell phone. For real. Most of the time I hate that I have a credit card, but it's times like these when I am supposed to be over-drafting that I love having a credit card. Though, I do hate that I am over-drafting.
I want to do more with my money. More as in more for others and less for me. It's hard knowing that my money is low because of selfishness. A coffee here, a movie there. You get the idea. I figure if I fast from spending money for a few weeks that might be amazing. Who needs to fast from food when fasting from money would be so much healthier?
I am quickly realizing I have a hard heart. Not a hard heart in every aspect of my life, just in the one that I spend the most time on. Work. My heart has become so hard towards these kids. A person cannot spend most of their time with small children. At least I cannot spend most of my time with small children. I become this overly crabby mean adult that kids know and fear. It's probably good for them to fear me, but I don't think they fear me in a good way. JFK. They hardly fear me. I wish I was so intimidating to them that they respected me and didn't feel like pushing the envelope all the time. Well, I have 25 days left with these kids. I better make it count!
I don't know what I am going to do with these children today because it is supposed to storm all day. I hate thunderstorms. They are one of the scariest things in the world to me. A few of my fears? Thunderstorms, Flying, and eternity. Also, I have this weird fear when I drive past a car that they might have a gun and shoot me as I'm driving by. Is that unrealistic or what?
This weekend I finally move out of my St. Paul apartment. I am so excited to not live there anymore. It's so far out of the way. I should not have gone there in the first place. I know what I was thinking, but I should have thought through it better. From now on my moves will be more realistic and eco-friendly. Driving an hour every day to and from work isn't the greatest gas and environment choice.
I am so excited that my parents now live in a house with a pool. It is the greatest fun to wake up and go on a morning swim. I haven't exactly done that yet, but it's possible! I must get a swim cap for that.
Right now I have about $1,000 dollars in the bank for my trip. I need to get a plane ticket, and hopefully my Visa is on its way to me, but I'm afraid they might be sending it to my Saint Paul address. Fortunately we have the greatest landlord who I'm sure will keep an eye out for it. I pray they send it to my permanent address and not my temporary one.
I pray that my parent's other house sells soon so that I can get money for my car. I also pray that Wells Fargo gets back to me about my line of credit. I'm afraid it's like a loan, but hey, whatever works. Especially for right now. I can pay this off as the year goes on. Lord, bless my finances. I know I need to be spending less. I am sorry for being selfish with my money and I also know that one of these days I'll suddenly understand how foolish spending money on temporary things is.
I want to do more with my money. More as in more for others and less for me. It's hard knowing that my money is low because of selfishness. A coffee here, a movie there. You get the idea. I figure if I fast from spending money for a few weeks that might be amazing. Who needs to fast from food when fasting from money would be so much healthier?
I am quickly realizing I have a hard heart. Not a hard heart in every aspect of my life, just in the one that I spend the most time on. Work. My heart has become so hard towards these kids. A person cannot spend most of their time with small children. At least I cannot spend most of my time with small children. I become this overly crabby mean adult that kids know and fear. It's probably good for them to fear me, but I don't think they fear me in a good way. JFK. They hardly fear me. I wish I was so intimidating to them that they respected me and didn't feel like pushing the envelope all the time. Well, I have 25 days left with these kids. I better make it count!
I don't know what I am going to do with these children today because it is supposed to storm all day. I hate thunderstorms. They are one of the scariest things in the world to me. A few of my fears? Thunderstorms, Flying, and eternity. Also, I have this weird fear when I drive past a car that they might have a gun and shoot me as I'm driving by. Is that unrealistic or what?
This weekend I finally move out of my St. Paul apartment. I am so excited to not live there anymore. It's so far out of the way. I should not have gone there in the first place. I know what I was thinking, but I should have thought through it better. From now on my moves will be more realistic and eco-friendly. Driving an hour every day to and from work isn't the greatest gas and environment choice.
I am so excited that my parents now live in a house with a pool. It is the greatest fun to wake up and go on a morning swim. I haven't exactly done that yet, but it's possible! I must get a swim cap for that.
Right now I have about $1,000 dollars in the bank for my trip. I need to get a plane ticket, and hopefully my Visa is on its way to me, but I'm afraid they might be sending it to my Saint Paul address. Fortunately we have the greatest landlord who I'm sure will keep an eye out for it. I pray they send it to my permanent address and not my temporary one.
I pray that my parent's other house sells soon so that I can get money for my car. I also pray that Wells Fargo gets back to me about my line of credit. I'm afraid it's like a loan, but hey, whatever works. Especially for right now. I can pay this off as the year goes on. Lord, bless my finances. I know I need to be spending less. I am sorry for being selfish with my money and I also know that one of these days I'll suddenly understand how foolish spending money on temporary things is.
July 10, 2008
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Sometimes I wish I was attracted to certain people, but I know that if I was they wouldn't feel the same way about me. Know what I'm saying? Like, right now I don't have feelings for this person and they don't have feelings for me, but they're an amazing person so it'd be cool to be attracted to them, but if I was they wouldn't have feelings for me still. Get it? Got it? Good.
I made a choice on Tuesday to not have a crappy week with these kids. It is so hard when they bicker, fight, argue, hit, kick, yell, scream, scratch, pinch, and won't eat a single thing I have to offer unless it's a waffle or grilled cheese sandwich. It's hard not to get frustrated and it's hard not to yell at them and tell them how incredibly ridiculous they are. Especially when their only form of communication is some sort of whiny infant noise that barely comes through their mouth cause their bottom lip is so large and pouty. I hate pouty lips. Also, when kids cry over WAFFLES! or anything else. Goggles. Shorts. Cheezits. TV. Blankets. You get the idea. I dislike many aspects of children. Which seems so unreal because I love them so much. I wish I could video tape them now and save it for 10 years and show them all the little brats they can be when they were younger.
Lord, I want to write a new song. I have been itching to write one for a long while. Please inspire me and give me words to sing to you or to a friend or to a family member or to a people group or to a celebrity even! Whatever. I just want a song.
I also care so deeply for my dear friend who seems to be spiraling downward, knowing it's happening, knowing it's her choice, knowing how to change it, yet it continues. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything I guess. I don't want to enable her, I just want to love her. It's hard for me and I know it's not up to me, so I'm putting her in your altar. You are the rescuer; you are the comforter; you are the healer; you are the pursuer; you are the Father; you are the lover; you are the only thing she needs right now. The only thing.
I made a choice on Tuesday to not have a crappy week with these kids. It is so hard when they bicker, fight, argue, hit, kick, yell, scream, scratch, pinch, and won't eat a single thing I have to offer unless it's a waffle or grilled cheese sandwich. It's hard not to get frustrated and it's hard not to yell at them and tell them how incredibly ridiculous they are. Especially when their only form of communication is some sort of whiny infant noise that barely comes through their mouth cause their bottom lip is so large and pouty. I hate pouty lips. Also, when kids cry over WAFFLES! or anything else. Goggles. Shorts. Cheezits. TV. Blankets. You get the idea. I dislike many aspects of children. Which seems so unreal because I love them so much. I wish I could video tape them now and save it for 10 years and show them all the little brats they can be when they were younger.
Lord, I want to write a new song. I have been itching to write one for a long while. Please inspire me and give me words to sing to you or to a friend or to a family member or to a people group or to a celebrity even! Whatever. I just want a song.
I also care so deeply for my dear friend who seems to be spiraling downward, knowing it's happening, knowing it's her choice, knowing how to change it, yet it continues. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything I guess. I don't want to enable her, I just want to love her. It's hard for me and I know it's not up to me, so I'm putting her in your altar. You are the rescuer; you are the comforter; you are the healer; you are the pursuer; you are the Father; you are the lover; you are the only thing she needs right now. The only thing.
July 3, 2008
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray.
India is intimidating. It is huge. It is full of people that speak Hindi. It has foods my body won't be used to. There will be cattle roaming the streets. I can only stay in the country for six months at a time. I need $3,000 more dollars for my school plus I have to make payments on my credit card and my compassion child. Lord, take away my fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations, and doubts that come with this SBS. Nothing is ever easy.
I am tired of just simply surviving every week. I survive day after day with the kids to get to the weekend, then I fill my weekend up with plans and then before I know it I'm back to surviving the work week again. I want to be compassionate towards my children and I want to have mercy on them. It is so hard to not be cranky around them because they fight with each other all the time. I don't know how they can show so little love towards one another. I try so hard to show them love, but not hard enough I guess. I am not getting through.
I must stick with a strict sleeping schedule again. Life was good when I did that a few months back. It must start again this upcoming week. I need to stop going to bed at one in the morning only to get 6 hours of sleep. Ba humbug!
Working out is pretty easy to me now. At least the lifting weights part. Not so much the aerobic/cardio part. Also, the eating part is hard too. I cannot stop eating sweets. I love me some calories! I actually conquered a desire for ice cream today though! Usually when I want something I get it. Horrible. I need to stop that. I must think about fruit or vegetables as a delectable dessert. That way I can eat those all I want, when I want, and not feel bad about it later!
O Father, let me not lose sight of you tomorrow at work. Show me how to be compassionate and merciful to these kids. Be my hands and feet. Speak through me to them and love through me to them. I do love them, but I am afraid it does not show most of the time. Let me be an adult around them when it comes to serious things, but be fun when it comes to playing.
I am tired of just simply surviving every week. I survive day after day with the kids to get to the weekend, then I fill my weekend up with plans and then before I know it I'm back to surviving the work week again. I want to be compassionate towards my children and I want to have mercy on them. It is so hard to not be cranky around them because they fight with each other all the time. I don't know how they can show so little love towards one another. I try so hard to show them love, but not hard enough I guess. I am not getting through.
I must stick with a strict sleeping schedule again. Life was good when I did that a few months back. It must start again this upcoming week. I need to stop going to bed at one in the morning only to get 6 hours of sleep. Ba humbug!
Working out is pretty easy to me now. At least the lifting weights part. Not so much the aerobic/cardio part. Also, the eating part is hard too. I cannot stop eating sweets. I love me some calories! I actually conquered a desire for ice cream today though! Usually when I want something I get it. Horrible. I need to stop that. I must think about fruit or vegetables as a delectable dessert. That way I can eat those all I want, when I want, and not feel bad about it later!
O Father, let me not lose sight of you tomorrow at work. Show me how to be compassionate and merciful to these kids. Be my hands and feet. Speak through me to them and love through me to them. I do love them, but I am afraid it does not show most of the time. Let me be an adult around them when it comes to serious things, but be fun when it comes to playing.
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