Poor little rich girl.

I found out about this awesome free concert at the Landmark Center every Thursday. It was on a kid's website, so I assumed kids would like it. I decided to take Ryley. It started at noon and it said to bring your own lunch to eat there. We went to Whole Foods and bought some bread and lunch meat for sandwiches then we went to the bank to get some cash for parking. Arriving at my apartment we made our sandwiches and packed our cookies and fruit for a nice, healthy lunch in downtown St. Paul.

We got to the Landmark Center about 25 minutes early, so we kinda walked around for a bit. I parked at a meter. I decided meters suck. They cost 1.75 for 1 hour and you can only put an hour in it at a time! If you put more in it does not matter. So incredibly lame. Like I was going to leave in the middle of the concert to put more money in the meter. So, we went back into the car for a few minutes to warm up and waste time before heading into the building. I put my keys in cup holder as I usually do, and before I knew it it was time to go inside! So we get out of the car and as most of you know we have to manually lock all the doors cause my key button does not work, so I locked and closed my door, then I reminded Ryley to lock her door before she closed it. She of course had forgotten until I reminded her and 45 seconds after closing the doors and walking towards the building I realized my keys were still in my cup holder inside my car. Now this is my first experience with locking my keys in my car. It has never happened in my 5 years of driving until this very moment. Fortunately I had my wallet with me and I am a AAA platinum member, so I called AAA and they said someone would be out in the next hour.

We went up to see the concert and as I walked into the room all I saw was a sea of grey. It was all elderly people who came to these concerts apparently. Ryley and I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was cool though. They had a three-piece ensemble today. A basoon, Oboe, and Flute. It was too loud for Ryley though and we left after the first song, plus I was really nervous we wouldn't be outside in time for the AAA guy. So, we went downstairs and outside to eat our lunch and wait for the phone call to say the tow truck was 5 minutes away.

As we're eating a man walks up to me and asks if I have any money for him. He said he hasn't eaten in 4 days. I am a bit reluctant to give him money because all I had was a 5 and a 10 I thought "if only I had a few ones I'd be quick to give" but I gave him my $5 and he said thank you and walked away. He said he was going to go to Chipotle, but walked in the other direction. So, as I'm sitting there wondering if I really should have done that Ryley says, "That guy was nice!" and I said, "yeah, i guess, he wasn't mean" and she said, "I can't believe he hasn't eaten in 4 days! That's so long." and then it hit me. She's 4 years old. She pretty much believes anything she sees or hears and it reminded me of having faith like a child. He said he hadn't eaten for 4 days, so I have to take his word for it. Ryley genuinely felt bad for him because she didn't know anything else. I want that. We're constantly surrounded by people who say not to give them money cause they'll just spend it on cigarettes or alcohol, but what about the people who are telling the truth when they say they haven't eaten for days or need a bus ticket? They get nothing because of the others who lie? That's so dumb. We get so angry because people make assumptions about a race or a religion or a country because a handful of people did something horrible, when in all actuality the majority is alright!

Okay, so major soapbox there.

Anyway, the AAA woman came a little after 1:00. Yes, I said woman. She unlocked my door in like 1 minute and was the most friendly person I've ever met! She told me a few pointers about my car and complimented my shoes and told me of some kind of like it I can buy at payless with a AAA discount! Who knew? Then she complimented me on the use of my e-brake. I liked that cause everyone makes fun of me for using it, but my dad told me to, and she said the same thing my dad did. "you don't use it ,you lose it" so here I am talking to this woman about nannying and cars. It was great. I reckon I should call AAA and give my regards.

So, pretty good day all in all. I wasn't even mad that I locked my keys in the car. it was a fun adventure!

Carbon Monoxide. Soon I'll go to sleep.

Okay, so I admit, I am more depressed than I think I have ever been in my life. There are few triggers of this. One that includes an asshole I cannot seem to forget no matter how hard I try. Life was good in New Zealand away from this person for 5 months. I was happy, but ever since I've been home this jerkwad has caused nothing but pain, low self-esteem, and heartache. Granted it wasn't all the SOB's fault. If I could practice self-control I would be okay right now, but I am not the confident woman I try to be. It seems as though I cannot become this confident woman I wish so hard for. I don't know the steps to take to get there at least. I always tell myself if I just read my Bible more often. If I just pray for other people more often. If I just stop eating so much. If I just start working out again on a regular basis. If I could just stop spending my money on useless crap. If, If, If, If, If, If, IF!!!

Another trigger of my depression is friends. I know my worth should not be based on how many friends I have, but damn, I don't have many anymore. You go overseas for awhile and make a bunch of new friends then come home and none of the other ones want to hang out anymore. Mostly because you only talk about the new ones, and mostly because you have changed a lot and your old friends don't so much like the new you, or at least that's what you think. I used to be involved. I used to be committed. Now I'm disconnected and apathetic for the most part. Don't think this is YWAM's fault. Don't blame them. They have been nothing short of amazing in my life. It is of course my fault. I lost my passion somewhere along the way. I seem to have misplaced my value. My integrity has gone missing. All because of me. There's no one to blame here but me for all of this.

Work is a bit stressful, but in no way is it depressing. I just feel worn out at the end of every week. Which is the way you should feel I guess when you have a full-time job. Especially one with children. It's like a taste of motherhood before I'm even dating anywone. It almost turns me off to the whole "I want 3 boys" dream I've always had. Though, I don't think anything could ever turn me off to the whole "I want to get married someday" dream.

Speaking of getting married. That is another depressing factor in my life. Everyone is getting married. Or has already gotten married. I used to be great friends with some of them. After people get married they change. Heck, before people get married they change. I hope that I'm one that doesn't change too much. I still will hopefully answer my phone after I get married. But no worries yet, I don't see that happening for maybe a decade. I'm what you call a "sister" figure to every boy I've ever loved. Or thought I loved. I talked to a nice guy today at a music store on Snelling. I bet as he was talking to me he thought to himself, "she reminds me of my sister." Perhaps I am such a sister-type person because that's all I've ever been. A sister. I used to hang out with the guys and thought nothing of it...up until I started liking guys, then it all went downhill. I'm the type of person who falls in like with someone so quickly. I don't know how it even happens. 2 minutes ago I didn't know you existed, now you're all I can think about. Have I been cursed? Someone lay hands on me and pray now!

I miss the intensity of intercession and worship in New Zealand. I'm glad The Edge is here every so often on Saturdays. I don't know what I'd do without that. Probably become an alcoholic and sleep around. I need to get into the swing of things again. I need to start up a new chapter in my life. I'm almost 22! I have to grow up sometime! Am i right? I need to have the faith of a child, but mature in my faith? How the hell does that even make sense? I mean seriously. God is confusing. All the time. Not just sometimes. All the time. I will never understand Him or know Him. Why even try you might ask, well, when I do try I am a better person. Not all the time. Only a little bit of the time really. Most of the time I hate my life and everything in it and I do really dumb things, but there's always that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll do something awesome for a stranger, or a friend, or a family member. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe tomorrow I'll change the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better. Maybe tomorrow God will speak to me. Then, one of these things does happen eventually and it makes the months of hard work all seem like nothing. You forget them alltogether and only focus on the Holy. The happy. The miracle. After a few days you might get back into a slump, but you never forget that one amazing moment and hope for another one and press on into the darkness that is life. I can't see where I'm going. I don't know what to expect. I do know though, that He is always with me. Jesus is here. Right now. I'm the one that leaves him behind. Well, I go behind while He sticks around just waiting for me to realize what I was doing before this thing distracted me. Lord, I'm sick of distractions. I wish they didn't exist, but thank you for them. Every single thing that makes life hard is not a mistake. It is what it is. Hard. It eventually moves on. Thank you for refining me more and more. Most of all, thank you for being powerful and creating all things; for allowing the hurt and sadness; for loving me always, through thick and thin. You are my all in all. This is true. I am weak now Lord, please be my strength. Only You can change me.