I feel somewhat left out suddenly today because everyone around me has graduated from college and I have yet to attend. They say all these big words and explain things in somewhat disheartening ways. Confusing ways. Ways that are not necessarily hard for me to understand, but hard for me to share my thoughts because I feel like they're not "big" enough or they're not "smart" enough or they don't make sense until I throw in words like "mutually inclusive" or "tumultuous" which I have no clue as to an understanding of these words/phrases.
Now, I know these thoughts are from the enemy, so I must rebuke them and I feel like it all comes back to my identity. I think I've been running from my true identity for so long that I forgot how to get back to where I started. Am I actually looking for the beginning or something I haven't found yet? For so long I've seen myself as damaged goods. What kind of life have I lived to think that about myself? I sometimes wonder why God puts certain people in my life because all they are is close-minded and they only make me feel small and like my opinions do not matter, and so because of this handful of people who make me feel this way I am not quick to share my thoughts and opinions on deep issues because I've only known pain to come out of those situations in the past. I wish my past didn't shape my future, but that is pretty much impossible to change. Let down, after let down, after let down make me not want to have any expectations set on relationships.
God is doing a mighty work within. He is revealing truth to our generation in mighty, awesome ways, and I am so excited to be apart of this movement and this fresh way of living life for Him in intentional, organic community. I am sad that my old friends haven't been apart of it. I am sad that my new friends aren't seeing the real me.
This morning a girl I had never seen or met before shared her struggle with depression. We laid hands on her and prayed for her and then after that all day I felt depressed! I am just now realizing that perhaps this is intercession. She told me she felt peace today. I am feeling so quiet and broken hearted...for no reason at all! If it's not intercession, I don't know what it is. It's one of those things where I don't know if Satan is attacking or God is very present in this. It could be both! It could be God. he is always present in my life! How do I know which one it is? Attack or intercession?
February 25, 2008
February 18, 2008
I Want the Whole Enchilada
House church. Why should we do it? How do we do it? What does it look like? When does it happen?
Satan is attacking my finances.
God is good. He is providing in amazing ways and fixing things quickly. Mostly God is encouraging. I need encouragement. He knows this because He knows me.
Thank you Lord for knowing me.
Last night was a Love Feast. It was great! I was able to just relax and know that my friends love and support me. Even though I feel like a balloon...which is ridiculous in and of itself...I felt like they don't even care what I look like.
Lord, help me stick to my work out regimen i have developed for myself. I long to live a healthier, more simple life.
Most of the time I am random, and most of the time I like it.
Can I just announce to all the world that I love Kimberly Joy Ajamiseba? Sheeriously. I wish she were here or I was there. One day I feel like we'll live in close proximity of each other. I hope my feeling is right.
Satan is attacking my finances.
God is good. He is providing in amazing ways and fixing things quickly. Mostly God is encouraging. I need encouragement. He knows this because He knows me.
Thank you Lord for knowing me.
Last night was a Love Feast. It was great! I was able to just relax and know that my friends love and support me. Even though I feel like a balloon...which is ridiculous in and of itself...I felt like they don't even care what I look like.
Lord, help me stick to my work out regimen i have developed for myself. I long to live a healthier, more simple life.
Most of the time I am random, and most of the time I like it.
Can I just announce to all the world that I love Kimberly Joy Ajamiseba? Sheeriously. I wish she were here or I was there. One day I feel like we'll live in close proximity of each other. I hope my feeling is right.
February 4, 2008
I rejoice in this Divine Romance
Upon realization that two of my friends have started a relationship with each other that was not happening last weekend, but now is clearly going on, I have been thinking tonight a lot about my past relationships. How they never lasted very long because I was quick to jump into them. They were all about happy, euphoric feelings. Mostly feelings of acceptance. Finally someone, a guy, thought I was beautiful. Finally a guy thought I was amazing. Finally a guy wanted to spend time with me. Finally a guy wanted to say that I was his girlfriend. Boy, oh boy, I don't know how people can do that for long periods of time! I feel like I jumped into something with someone I didn't even know. Once I really got to know them, realizing this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I said good-bye and pretty much never talked to them again. Even though at first we had a wonderful friendship. A fun friendship. There is one of my past boyfriends I wish I talked to still and I wish I could hang out with still. He was a great guy. A fun guy. A musician guy. He was funny and I miss adventures with him. I miss being silly with him. I in no way want to date him again, I just wish our friendship wasn't ruined because of "feelings".
Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?
Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?
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