Everyone is getting engaged. Everyone is getting married. So many people have already been married so far this year that I personally know. So many people have yet to get married this year that I personally know. Everywhere I go and everything I do I am constantly reminded of MARRIAGE! Why is this? Is it because I have given up in the romance department and vowed a life of celibacy for the next two years? Now I am always being shown what I could have been well on my way to by now? It's different when you are surrounded by marriages and engagements and you can't do anything about it, but for me, I could be in that same boat right now. I had that opportunity, and believe it still exists as of this very moment if I just said "yes" and jumped in head first to the unknown waters of love.
Sure I've tested the waters. I've put my toes in to see how it feels. It's not that I didn't like the feeling, it's just that I am terrified. Terrified of commitment, especially life-long commitment. I'm also terrified I may have lost the best chance I had with true love. Then again, I am reminded of a promise I was made during my DTS. I will get married, and God has picked him out. I sometimes wonder if it is supposed to be who I want it to be, or if it is going to be someone completely different. Right now I can't imagine anyone else. So, why would I be afraid of this commitment? I just have always been wary of commitments. I could never commit to a specific ministry for more than a few weeks. I could never even commit to a school growing up. I look back and see that I can't even commit to friends for that long. I am not close with anyone from my childhood anymore. No one from elementary school. Not even anyone from Junior High school. Not anyone from High school either. I'm still close with two people from my youth groups at church. I break up with my boyfriends and end up barely speaking to them again. However, this more recent relationship has been contrary to all my past relationships. I am thankful for it, but I am beginning to see that it might have to be an all or nothing deal.
Why must life be so full of mistakes and difficult situations? I can't even cope most of the time. And now I am a student once again, but a student teacher of sorts and along with processing all this information and past avoidances I need to prepare and give teachings and sermons!
Is it wrong to simply want September to come as fast as possible? Is it wrong to want April to come soon after that? I feel like my life is simply waiting for the present to become the past, and I look forward to deadlines in the future, only to reach them, celebrate for a moment, then set another deadline in the future to wait for. That is not how life should be lived.
All in all, what I'm trying to say is, I want to fully know myself sooner than later so that I can fully give myself to my husband and I want to know God as much as possible before then. I am still in love with someone, I still find it hard to love myself, and I still am trying to love God more than anything or anyone else.
July 24, 2010
June 8, 2010
We Mostly Work to Live, Until We Live to Work
Why is my mind such that if I find something I really want, I won't let it die until I get it. It sits in the back of my mind, almost marinating in my desires, until it's just like some sort of fix I need to feed! I wish I could save money and not have all the things I want, but no, I must have all the things I want. I NEED THOSE THINGS. At least that's what my brain is telling my mind.
I bought some Ugg boots today. Why in the world do I need ugg boots when I am in fact, moving to India? I felt they'd actually be good for winter there and traveling to London and then to Mumbai. I mean, Uggs on a plane? Sounds relaxing, comfortable. I'd look so awesome. And wool is equally as good for keeping you cool as it is for keeping you warm, right? RIGHT?
Ay carumba. I'm going to go wallow in self-despair and regret now for the next few days until they come in the mail and I fall in love with them and am glad I purchased them.
At least they were on sale for only $70 dollars. That's actually quite the deal. I mean, I would have been stupid to pass that up, right? RIGHT?
I bought some Ugg boots today. Why in the world do I need ugg boots when I am in fact, moving to India? I felt they'd actually be good for winter there and traveling to London and then to Mumbai. I mean, Uggs on a plane? Sounds relaxing, comfortable. I'd look so awesome. And wool is equally as good for keeping you cool as it is for keeping you warm, right? RIGHT?
Ay carumba. I'm going to go wallow in self-despair and regret now for the next few days until they come in the mail and I fall in love with them and am glad I purchased them.
At least they were on sale for only $70 dollars. That's actually quite the deal. I mean, I would have been stupid to pass that up, right? RIGHT?
June 3, 2010
I've been to the dentist a thousand times so I know the drill
Going to the dentist is usually easy and relaxing for me. They just clean my teeth, tell me how to live my life with a healthier mouth, and talk about the weather. I get a free toothbrush, floss, and these stringer things that look like giant sewing needles but made of flexible plastic and the color blue so that I can floss around my permanent retainers in my mouth.
Growing up I did not have any cavities. Ever. I think I might have had one once when I was a teenager. However, when I was done with high school and chose not to go to college I was booted off my mother's medical and dental insurance plan. Something about not being in college and working a real job caused the government to think that I am responsible enough to take care of myself. So for about four years I had no health insurance of any kind and did not go to the doctor or the dentist. I then at the ripe old age of 22 decided to go to India for school and in going to school once again I could be on my mom's insurance finally. That didn't take effect until after I left though, so after my first three months in India I came back for Christmas for 13 days and had my mom schedule a physical, travel clinic, and dental appointment during that short window of time.
Going to the doctor was fine, I was healthy, blah blah blah. The travel clinic nurse couldn't believe that I already lived in India for three months without Malaria pills. I knew the threat before I went. I just didn't have the money to go to the doctor for malaria resistance drugs, but upon actually having insurance and going I found out that travel clinic is not covered by health insurance because it's elective stuff. Whatever! This is God's call on my life! It's not elective! I must obey Him! Also, when I told her what city I was living in she was all, "OMG! That area has the biggest threat of malaria!!! How are you malaria free??!?!" So, she perscribed me six months of malaria medication and I took it for like 2 weeks when I got back. I cannot do anything daily for more than two weeks. This is a proven truth for my life. Birth control? Not going to happen. I will always be pregnant when I am married. No, I'll just get the implant thing in my arm. That's what I hope.
So, after being offered all these optional shots for rare diseases I might catch if I'm in a small sewage pond in the middle of a valley surrounded by goats and cows with no sign of human beings within a 300 mile radius of my body, I finally went home glad I didn't have malaria and now after coming back from the six month stay I feel invincible to the malaria virus! I lived in India for nine months and did not catch it at all! I had thousands of mosquito bites but was a legend.
Back to the real reason I'm writing this: The Dentist. I went to the dentist during Christmas and found out that I had six cavities. Yes, I said six. I could not make an appointment at that time to get them filled in the next five days before I headed back to India, so I agreed to come back in August when I would return and get them filled then. If you know me, you know I'm a procrastinator and so I finally went back to the dentist two weeks ago, May. Seven months after I said I would, and one year and five months after they discovered the cavities. You can imagine my mouth would be much worse, and it was. I got a cleaning first to assess the situation and found out my mouth didn't think five was enough and so three more had moved in. I now had eight cavities to be filled. They couldn't even do it all in one session! They had to schedule two separate appointments for me!
I went in for the first session of fillings and they put this numbing stuff on my gums to avoid the pain of novocaine needles piercing my mouth. This stuff tasted much like that spray stuff you can buy at Walgreens when you have a sore throat. So the doc comes in and takes out this super needle that has no end of novocaine. It is connected to a tube which forever supplies it with novocaine. When he brings it out it makes this "bing" noise over and over and when he sticks it in my gums it continues this bing noise until it feels enough has been injected into me and then it sounds like a short steel drum solo from the islands. He sticks me a few times on the upper right and left sides of my mouth and soon my whole top row of teeth and face is numb. I get to enjoy the feeling of the drill a little later when he finishes up the right side of fillings and then moves onto the left side which had now already been injected with novocaine at the same time as the right, so it has worn off a little. He moves onto drilling the very back tooth and a sharp pain shoots through my body and I shoot my arms up in the air and freak out. He then sticks the novocaine needle in my gums again, but this time without the pre-numbing stuff and I go insane. I no longer can control what my mouth and head is doing. My head is shaking and tears are welling up in my eyes. I can't imagine what I looked like to my doctor.
Finally, the novacaine sets in and he begins drilling again, but this time I'm almost expecting the pain to happen again so I am sweating and my head is still shaking, but I don't feel anything. Next he needs to put novocaine in the very back of my mouth to numb the bottom and that hurt so bad. It felt like he was sticking that needle into my jaw bone and scratching it around in there. Then he started on the bottom. He finally finished the last filling almost two hours after beginning. That was only five fillings. I had to go back in two weeks to get three more. I was traumatized during this visit. I never wanted to set foot in that dental facility let alone any other one ever again.
Today was that second, dreaded appointment of doom. Apparently they have this sedative pill they can give you before they start the work so that you don't really remember anything and you don't end up labeling the dentist as a terrifying place or person, however calling and requesting that pill the morning of your appointment doesn't fly. I settled with nitrous oxide this time and was determined to have them put it on "high" the entire time. I got in and brought my iPod so that I could be somewhat calmed by the soothing sounds of Buddy, Ian McIntosh and some low-key Hindi music. They put this thing over my nose which pumped me full of laughing gas. I was not in the mood to laugh, but it made me feel like one would feel after they've had just enough beer to almost be drunk. I wish I could have a tank of nitrous oxide at home and do that instead of downing 600 calories in beer to get the same feeling. The jamaican novocaine needle came out again and it was over in a matter of what seemed like minutes, but just a few seconds. Then it all went numb and he drilled and then filled and it only took a little under one hour. This experience was much better, but I will still get that pill next time. Seriously. I have been scarred for life.
On the bright side, I have been terrified into a daily floss routine and will use as much fluoride in my mouth as I possibly can without poisoning my body. I never want to have another cavity again as long as I live. I would rather get malaria or TB.
Growing up I did not have any cavities. Ever. I think I might have had one once when I was a teenager. However, when I was done with high school and chose not to go to college I was booted off my mother's medical and dental insurance plan. Something about not being in college and working a real job caused the government to think that I am responsible enough to take care of myself. So for about four years I had no health insurance of any kind and did not go to the doctor or the dentist. I then at the ripe old age of 22 decided to go to India for school and in going to school once again I could be on my mom's insurance finally. That didn't take effect until after I left though, so after my first three months in India I came back for Christmas for 13 days and had my mom schedule a physical, travel clinic, and dental appointment during that short window of time.
Going to the doctor was fine, I was healthy, blah blah blah. The travel clinic nurse couldn't believe that I already lived in India for three months without Malaria pills. I knew the threat before I went. I just didn't have the money to go to the doctor for malaria resistance drugs, but upon actually having insurance and going I found out that travel clinic is not covered by health insurance because it's elective stuff. Whatever! This is God's call on my life! It's not elective! I must obey Him! Also, when I told her what city I was living in she was all, "OMG! That area has the biggest threat of malaria!!! How are you malaria free??!?!" So, she perscribed me six months of malaria medication and I took it for like 2 weeks when I got back. I cannot do anything daily for more than two weeks. This is a proven truth for my life. Birth control? Not going to happen. I will always be pregnant when I am married. No, I'll just get the implant thing in my arm. That's what I hope.
So, after being offered all these optional shots for rare diseases I might catch if I'm in a small sewage pond in the middle of a valley surrounded by goats and cows with no sign of human beings within a 300 mile radius of my body, I finally went home glad I didn't have malaria and now after coming back from the six month stay I feel invincible to the malaria virus! I lived in India for nine months and did not catch it at all! I had thousands of mosquito bites but was a legend.
Back to the real reason I'm writing this: The Dentist. I went to the dentist during Christmas and found out that I had six cavities. Yes, I said six. I could not make an appointment at that time to get them filled in the next five days before I headed back to India, so I agreed to come back in August when I would return and get them filled then. If you know me, you know I'm a procrastinator and so I finally went back to the dentist two weeks ago, May. Seven months after I said I would, and one year and five months after they discovered the cavities. You can imagine my mouth would be much worse, and it was. I got a cleaning first to assess the situation and found out my mouth didn't think five was enough and so three more had moved in. I now had eight cavities to be filled. They couldn't even do it all in one session! They had to schedule two separate appointments for me!
I went in for the first session of fillings and they put this numbing stuff on my gums to avoid the pain of novocaine needles piercing my mouth. This stuff tasted much like that spray stuff you can buy at Walgreens when you have a sore throat. So the doc comes in and takes out this super needle that has no end of novocaine. It is connected to a tube which forever supplies it with novocaine. When he brings it out it makes this "bing" noise over and over and when he sticks it in my gums it continues this bing noise until it feels enough has been injected into me and then it sounds like a short steel drum solo from the islands. He sticks me a few times on the upper right and left sides of my mouth and soon my whole top row of teeth and face is numb. I get to enjoy the feeling of the drill a little later when he finishes up the right side of fillings and then moves onto the left side which had now already been injected with novocaine at the same time as the right, so it has worn off a little. He moves onto drilling the very back tooth and a sharp pain shoots through my body and I shoot my arms up in the air and freak out. He then sticks the novocaine needle in my gums again, but this time without the pre-numbing stuff and I go insane. I no longer can control what my mouth and head is doing. My head is shaking and tears are welling up in my eyes. I can't imagine what I looked like to my doctor.
Finally, the novacaine sets in and he begins drilling again, but this time I'm almost expecting the pain to happen again so I am sweating and my head is still shaking, but I don't feel anything. Next he needs to put novocaine in the very back of my mouth to numb the bottom and that hurt so bad. It felt like he was sticking that needle into my jaw bone and scratching it around in there. Then he started on the bottom. He finally finished the last filling almost two hours after beginning. That was only five fillings. I had to go back in two weeks to get three more. I was traumatized during this visit. I never wanted to set foot in that dental facility let alone any other one ever again.
Today was that second, dreaded appointment of doom. Apparently they have this sedative pill they can give you before they start the work so that you don't really remember anything and you don't end up labeling the dentist as a terrifying place or person, however calling and requesting that pill the morning of your appointment doesn't fly. I settled with nitrous oxide this time and was determined to have them put it on "high" the entire time. I got in and brought my iPod so that I could be somewhat calmed by the soothing sounds of Buddy, Ian McIntosh and some low-key Hindi music. They put this thing over my nose which pumped me full of laughing gas. I was not in the mood to laugh, but it made me feel like one would feel after they've had just enough beer to almost be drunk. I wish I could have a tank of nitrous oxide at home and do that instead of downing 600 calories in beer to get the same feeling. The jamaican novocaine needle came out again and it was over in a matter of what seemed like minutes, but just a few seconds. Then it all went numb and he drilled and then filled and it only took a little under one hour. This experience was much better, but I will still get that pill next time. Seriously. I have been scarred for life.
On the bright side, I have been terrified into a daily floss routine and will use as much fluoride in my mouth as I possibly can without poisoning my body. I never want to have another cavity again as long as I live. I would rather get malaria or TB.
May 28, 2010
Come away with me
I recently started reading the most hilarious blog ever. Seriously! A girl, Allie, who is the same age as me, perhaps one year older, writes this craziness and illustrates it in humorous ways. I am never a fan of reading and reading things never makes me laugh. However, when it comes to this girl I laugh a lot. Out loud even! One could say, "lol."
When I read certain things I desire to write in certain ways. When I read the epistles of Paul I want to write theological things in proper Greek ways so as to sound not like the fool but the wise. Should I therefore write for my own egotistical gain? By no means! I must write for the glory of our Father in heaven for it is he who gave all, his only son for me, a weak man (woman), to live with him eternally on that day I go home.
Or when I read Harry Potter I wish to write like every part of my life is this exciting adventure. One that all my friends are in on and have these crazy characteristics that I must document and then leave it up to your imaginations to see what my legion of friends looks, sounds, and acts like.
And now, as I read this blog about hilarious life situations, I desire to write things hilariously and full of wit and randomness. I even wish to illustrate it with funny MS Paint illustrations, but I have a macbook and therefore do not have MS Paint. The best I could do is draw on a piece of paper and take a picture of it with Photobooth and post it on here. Yeah, that's not ghetto at all.
I don't know why I'm writing about all this. The real reason I came here to Starbucks was to write a blog for India and read some of my required reading before I go. The Seven Laws of the Learner: How to teach almost anything to practically anyone! Yikes. What a title! It's not that hard of a read, it's just the motivation is not within me to pick it up for any reason other to move it to a different place of rest.
When I read certain things I desire to write in certain ways. When I read the epistles of Paul I want to write theological things in proper Greek ways so as to sound not like the fool but the wise. Should I therefore write for my own egotistical gain? By no means! I must write for the glory of our Father in heaven for it is he who gave all, his only son for me, a weak man (woman), to live with him eternally on that day I go home.
Or when I read Harry Potter I wish to write like every part of my life is this exciting adventure. One that all my friends are in on and have these crazy characteristics that I must document and then leave it up to your imaginations to see what my legion of friends looks, sounds, and acts like.
And now, as I read this blog about hilarious life situations, I desire to write things hilariously and full of wit and randomness. I even wish to illustrate it with funny MS Paint illustrations, but I have a macbook and therefore do not have MS Paint. The best I could do is draw on a piece of paper and take a picture of it with Photobooth and post it on here. Yeah, that's not ghetto at all.
I don't know why I'm writing about all this. The real reason I came here to Starbucks was to write a blog for India and read some of my required reading before I go. The Seven Laws of the Learner: How to teach almost anything to practically anyone! Yikes. What a title! It's not that hard of a read, it's just the motivation is not within me to pick it up for any reason other to move it to a different place of rest.
February 4, 2010
Which to bury?
I have nearly had enough. Stubbornness, rudeness, quarreling, bickering, I don't need added stress to my life. I don't need this. I don't need you right now. You think you've come so far. You think you've done all these wonderful things. Who am I to judge you though? Who am I to bring up all the things you've done and still do "wrong?" I am no better. I am guilty of the same "crimes" as you. I am just as bad as you. I spend my money, I eat out. I argue back. I roll my eyes. I think I've changed. You get the idea. But I really don't want to deal with you. I really am tired of excuses and cancellations. The world does not revolve around you nor does it revolve around me. We both need to figure that out and take it and run with it. Run towards love and acceptance, not away from it. Trust in God as he does his perfecting work. Which he will do and is always doing because he cares for us both equally. However, just because he loves me and you the same does not mean I have to like you right now.
January 21, 2010
Why can't we all, all just be honest?
Spilling my guts out via cyberspace mail could not have come at a worse time. It just happened to come out of me mere days before a mutual friend died. Why couldn't I have done it earlier, or waited way later? I guess these things all happen for some sort of reason. Reasons unknown to me and everyone else involved.
Why is it a 24 year old girl full of life and love suddenly died in her hostel of "natural causes?" Why did it have to be in that city where the taliban just swooped upon? Perhaps she was going to experience far more terrifying things and so God prevented that. I wish I could just take a glimpse into God's reasoning. But then where would my faith be?
It's hard waiting for answers. Waiting for e-mails. Waiting for autopsy results.
Work seems meaningless right now, as does spending money on anything. I don't know where I am right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, musically. However, things are changing. Things are happening. Maybe I don't know where I am because I have always been somewhere I don't belong and now I am finally moving into a place where I was always supposed to exist. "You have found this place where you belong." That's what a prophetic guy from Canada said to me in India. At the time I thought he was talking about India, and at the time I didn't want to belong there. In hindsight, I know I belong there for a while but also know that he didn't mean India specifically. I think he was speaking of a different plane. I found that balance of all things in my life, perhaps not being exactly right, but all heading towards the right direction. Which is where I always should be--heading the right direction.
Somehow, of all the new music I have received and purchased lately, I cannot stop listening to Lily Allen's new album. It shows that she has grown up a lot. Musically and emotionally. It's inspiring to me. Her first album was quite awhile ago, but it really does take time to grow up, to mature, to figure out who you are. I may not be writing many songs right now, but I cannot wait until I figure out myself and my Creator a little bit more, then I'll be unstoppable!
Life is hard most of the time. But I will rejoice! I know the truth. I am light. I am salt. I am loved. I am forgiven. I have a seal. I know where I belong. The trouble is getting there. Fortunately, I have the greatest help this world has ever known.
Why is it a 24 year old girl full of life and love suddenly died in her hostel of "natural causes?" Why did it have to be in that city where the taliban just swooped upon? Perhaps she was going to experience far more terrifying things and so God prevented that. I wish I could just take a glimpse into God's reasoning. But then where would my faith be?
It's hard waiting for answers. Waiting for e-mails. Waiting for autopsy results.
Work seems meaningless right now, as does spending money on anything. I don't know where I am right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, musically. However, things are changing. Things are happening. Maybe I don't know where I am because I have always been somewhere I don't belong and now I am finally moving into a place where I was always supposed to exist. "You have found this place where you belong." That's what a prophetic guy from Canada said to me in India. At the time I thought he was talking about India, and at the time I didn't want to belong there. In hindsight, I know I belong there for a while but also know that he didn't mean India specifically. I think he was speaking of a different plane. I found that balance of all things in my life, perhaps not being exactly right, but all heading towards the right direction. Which is where I always should be--heading the right direction.
Somehow, of all the new music I have received and purchased lately, I cannot stop listening to Lily Allen's new album. It shows that she has grown up a lot. Musically and emotionally. It's inspiring to me. Her first album was quite awhile ago, but it really does take time to grow up, to mature, to figure out who you are. I may not be writing many songs right now, but I cannot wait until I figure out myself and my Creator a little bit more, then I'll be unstoppable!
Life is hard most of the time. But I will rejoice! I know the truth. I am light. I am salt. I am loved. I am forgiven. I have a seal. I know where I belong. The trouble is getting there. Fortunately, I have the greatest help this world has ever known.
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