Come into my world I've got to show, show, show you, Come into my bed I've got to know, know, know you

This weekend is my final time playing music at The Crossing at Woodland Fellowship (I refuse to call it anything else). The band for Sunday morning is pretty sweet. I mean, if you were a girl like me you'd want to date everyone in the band. There's a new boy I've never met playing bass, and he's beautiful. There's the usual Sunday morning guy who looks like he'd be my type, there's also a guitarist who is pretty cute too and once again my type, lastly there's the drummer, who is the only one I'd ever consider dating but is too young to play that game. Funny how the only one of all the attractive men I'm playing music with I actually have a slight crush on is 17 years old.

Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Perhaps I am a Cougar after all.

It's been awhile since I wrote in here. Not too terribly long, but long enough. You'd think I'd have tons of stuff to write about, but I do not. Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now except for the fact that I'm leaving in TWELVE DAYS TO MOVE TO INDIA. That's a little big, but I'm trying not to look at it. I'm trying to live every moment present. Present in the moment. I'm afraid I might burn out before I leave trying to make plans with everyone, and I feel like I'm hanging out with some people more than others and there are already people I have said my final good-bye to. I can't handle this. I'm ready to check out, but that's not what I really want. But it is hard to believe I leave not this Thursday, but next Thursday. Too soon! Too soon!

There are only two famous people I want to meet before I die. They are the only two people I would actually be disappointed with my life if I didn't meet them. One is Sufjan Stevens. He is a musical genius and I would love to just shake his hand. That's all I need. Jason Mraz on the other hand I want to sing one song with him. That is all.

I was going to try to take a nap today, but I believe it won't happen. Unless I fall asleep immediately. Then I'd get a decent nap out of today. I might try actually.

I miss my soul-mate and regret not calling her once more before she left. She truly is the most beautiful person on this earth to me.

Nobody raise your voices

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you. I am writing this because I love you.

I have to hold back tears every time I come home and the house smells like smoke. I am ready to leave the house when I am sitting in my bedroom and get a whiff of cigarette smoke. I am not going to lecture you on the ill effects of smoking because I know you know what you are doing to your body, but perhaps you don't think about what it does to your family. Your children don't even want to be around when you are smoking. We complain to each other about how the house smells like smoke because you don't want to smoke outside. We don't like it and I don't think I should have to breathe in toxic air because of your bad habit. I know it's hard to quit. I understand that it's an addiction. I just don't understand how you don't even try. You say you will, you will quit, you want to quit, but it doesn't happen, and one time when it did you started again. WHY?!?? What drove you to do it again? I don't get it! You are poisoning me and my brothers and your mother! But most importantly you are poisoning your own body! Your temple holding the King of Kings and His Holy Spirit. You are treating like crap the beautiful vessel God has created for you. Haven't you seen your own dad? Haven't you seen how hard it is for him to walk across the room? Do you want to become like him physically? Not able to care for his own wife because he's been smoking his entire life! My heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for my grandparents. My heart just plain breaks. I am tired of coming home having to breathe in second hand smoke because you cannot control your addiction. I do not want to say "I told you so" when you're a few years older and using an oxygen tank.

Mom, I remember a year or so ago you told me you wanted to run a marathon in two years. What happened to that ambition? I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will train with you and we'll run a marathon in 2010!

Dad, It seems like such a selfish thing to do, smoke all the time. Have you ever figured out how much money you spend a year on cigarettes? I know money is tight. It would help financially, physically, and spiritually. Everything would be a little better, a little cleaner! I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will go to the cabin with you every weekend and shoot guns with you!

There is nothing I want more on this earth right now than for my parents to stop smoking. I am ready to live somewhere else. I am ready to make them piss mad at me for bringing it up a million times. If they know how horrible it is then why put themselves through the torture and their own children! I know people who have lung cancer or throat cancer because of cigarettes and they're younger than my parents, but started around the same age. I can't imagine what my parent's lungs look like. I don't even want to know. Ignorance is not bliss in this situation. My parents could be 5 months away from cancer, or 5 days away! Life is short. Don't waste it doing stupid things.

No one's ever gonna love you more than I do

This past weekend I assumed I would sell most of my CDs. That didn't happen. I only sold 13. It is better than nothing, but it still upset me a little. I need to stop holding high expectations for everything. Wouldn't it be great if we could have high expectations for everything and still get blown out of the water all the time! They say to have low expectations then you can't possibly be disappointed, but what if we always had high ones and were never disappointed? That is what happens with God I think. We have such high expectations for human beings, but with God for some reason we have low expectations. Just because He doesn't do something immediately we assume He's never going to do it, or answer our prayers. We must be persistent. He needs to know our prayers aren't just whims like when my kids used to watch TV and a commercial would come on about any toy they'd all say they want it, but they'd forget about it the next hour. That is exactly how I am with God most of the time. I pray for whims. I mean, at the time they sound good to me, but I forget that I even prayed about it by the end of the day. Things I've been persistent about in prayer are finances, eternity (what it's going to be like), India (i'm terrified), and I don't know what else actually.

Today I got a phone call from the church I sold 13 CDs at this past weekend and someone at that church randomly wrote a check for me and put it in the offering! Not just a little sum of money either! So, it pays to be persistent. God really does have the biggest wallet ever and is free to give money to whomever he chooses, however he chooses. I think it's a confirmation. God is saying "Even though you're not working this month I can still provide you with your weekly salary. Don't worry about a thing. I got this and I love you."

Sometimes I think God is too good to me. I know I don't deserve anything, and even today I was going to fast, but when I woke up I thought, "I could start tomorrow" even though I don't even feel hungry! Here's what I think I'll do. I won't eat out cause I have no money to spare, unless someone feels generous enough to pay for me. Then I'll eat or drink or whatever. But for the next 23 days I'm not paying for anything. Period.

I love sneezing, but I have sneezed around 234 times in the last two days. I'm ready to kill myself. Could someone die of sneezing too much? Maybe.

Peaches is having a dream right next to me. Perhaps she's chasing a squirrel or rabbit somewhere. Maybe my Mom has come home and she's excited to see her. I wonder what dogs could possibly dream about. I dream about crazy intricate things that don't ever make sense once I wake up, but seem so real when I'm asleep. She dreams about bacon and small furry animals. What a life.