I won't regret

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But [I] obviously
[I] didn't wanna stick around

So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do
So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do

I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again

I knew this would happen. Maybe it's me being emotional and rational because it is 11:42 PM. However, I felt like this was coming, something brought me to this place, and I have to throw some fleece down. I have to lay it outside and say, "bring me a sign or I'm peace-ing out of this." I don't care if it's dry and the grass is wet or vice versa. Something miraculous must happen in order for me to stay with this. I want dreams, visions, songs, prophecies, anything that is blatant. If it's not blatant it won't count.

I'm sick of breaking hearts, but that's all I seem to be good at.

I Remember It Well

I remember when I didn't even know you existed.
I remember when I saw you around but never talked to you.
I remember when we never said "hi" when we passed each other.
I remember when you were seeing that other girl.
I remember thinking I wish a guy loved me like you loved her.
I remember when you came back from your home.
I remember the first time you said hello to me.
I remember you inviting me to watch your band practice.
I remember you sitting outside next to me and another friend talking.
I remember thinking you liked her.
I remember when you asked me to play a song with you.
I remember you spending a lot of time near me all of a sudden.
I remember that first time we had an actual conversation with one another.
I remember you initiated everything.
I remember the words you spoke when you told me you loved me.
I remember not believing a word you said.
I remember God telling me you were completely honest.
I remember being scared and I was actually going to tell you "no way."
I remember not being able to tell you that.
I remember not wanting to tell you that.
I remember phone calls every single night.
I remember those last few days.
I remember that last morning with remorse.
I remember being terrified my life had took a turn for the worst.
I remember thinking if it was all worth it.
I remember that it wasn't worth it.
I remember crying in my bed thinking about it.
I remember when that day finally came and I was so, so, so relieved.
I remember a shift in my being that day.
I remember I once told you I loved you, but only once.
I remember you telling me you love me most of the time.
I remember back to before the day I left, and things were beautiful then.
I remember what happened and now things are a bit different.
I just don't know what to think anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't even know if I care.
I feel kind of numb about everything.
I smile at the past.
I have an awkward silence with the presence.
I don't know what to feel about the future.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

Why do I think the answer to all my problems is fasting. Maybe it is. Eventually I'll figure some piece of this puzzle out.

First day of school tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when Justin is in school. The Love of my life is in India and my best friend starts the eighth grade tomorrow. It'll be a good day to get my head into the Bible and run a few miles.

I really feel as if I'm wasting my days away. I say I'm going to wake up early, but I just sleep the day away. I say I'm going to eat healthy but I just eat junk. I say I'm going to read the Bible, but I just watch TV. I say I'm going to be to work on time, but I'm always a few minutes late. I say I'm going to go to bed early, but I just stay up late.

Something needs to change, and only I can make that happen. I need to work on my self-control. As of this moment in time I have none. Absolutely none. I'll say yes to anything and everything. Except drugs. Just say no, kids.