Would you ever be my would you be my fucking boyfriend?

Boys are ridiculous! For reals.
I am ready for bed.

Is this love, is this love, is this love, is this love that I'm feeling?

"steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord." - Psalm 32:10


This morning it was sure nice to read of a promise David said so long ago at the end of Psalm 32, "steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord." I am then curious as to the definition of "steadfast" because as a Christian we read this word all the time and sort of know it, but I don't know if we really know the exact definition, that is why I am about to tell you: resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering. Now I must look at what "resolutely" means...admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering. Therefore, "steadfast" means to be purposefully firm and unwavering. So, unwavering love or firm love (I see it as when you have a garage sale or a craig's list ad and you say that the price of the object you're selling is "firm" meaning it is not going to change, don't even bother bargaining because it's not going down, if anything it'll go up before it goes down.) Unwavering, or firm love surrounds me. It surrounds you too if you trust in the Lord. No matter what anyone does or says to me hopefully I can be comforted in the fact that I am surrounded by a love that never weakens. A love that will always stay as strong as the day it got there. A love with an eternal guarantee.


"The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it,
the world, and those who live in it;" Psalm 24:1

I am also somewhat struggling with an idol. We know idols are not real. There are not actually other gods in this universe, and yet we still put tangible things in God's place in our thoughts and hearts, at least I know I do. Yesterday Prabha asked us to think of that one thing that we always, always stumble over no matter where we are (at least I think he asked us to do that) and the only thing that came to my mind of course was men. Men, men, men. Everywhere I go men take over my life. Mostly because I allow that to happen. I cannot figure out how to stop it from happening. It just happens and I wrestle with it the entire length of any season of my life. Then, when the wrestling is over and I take one sigh of relief, another man comes waltzing into my life and the cycle starts all over again. Dear Lord Jesus. BUT in spite of all that I was put a little at ease this morning being reminded that all the people who live in the world belong to the Lord. Even the men I struggle with. They are no better than any other man I have developed any sort of feelings for. They are the same as the j-hole I have wanted to sic my 5 brothers on, and the same as my wonderful dad who has the biggest heart of any man I've ever known. I can look at every man now and hopefully worry less about everything because they are God's just as I am God's. God will lead the right man to me some day. This is a promise he gave me during DTS, and you'd think I would find confidence in this promise and not fall in love everywhere I go, but it is hard to shake the way I've acted my entire life. I don't have to worry about not ever getting married, so now I should be concerned about things of the Lord, right? Right? I am human, I have desires. This is my biggest struggle in life, and I pray God heals me of this desire to always have someone I am twitter-pated by. I just want it to be God.

Breathe Me

Help
I have done it again
I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah
I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

I won't worry my life away, I won't worry this life away

My spirit is groaning. My head is moaning.
My body is bending. My heart is mending.
My feet are curling. My hips are twirling.
My senses are smiling. My stomach is crying.
My life is turning. My emotions are burning.

I long to write a song.
I have studied 11 books so far!
Why haven't I written a song?

It is okay though, I don't need to write a song.
I think I would only do it for myself.
That needs to change before I can write.

I keep forgetting that God waits for me to wake up in the morning.
I wake up and don't notice him sitting there next to my bed.
I find it more important to get rid of my morning breath than acknowledge him.

It is hard to fast in India.
It is easy to fast from the food on campus, but hard to fast from eating snacks.
Especially Wheat Things and Dark Chocolate.
I saw the chocolate doughnut at Coffee Day yesterday and even though I had already eaten it and did not approve, it still looked good. I would have ordered it again hoping it would have been different.
It would not have been different.
Who knows how long those things sit in there.
I know the Chocolate Fantasy is good just like I know the Tropical Iceberg is good.
That is my drink of choice.
Tropical iceberg.
An oxymoron.
There's also nothing tropical about it.
It's just like a mocha frappuccino.

How can I conceal what is in my heart?
For so long I have allowed it to sit out on my arm letting all see and know what mood it is in.
I must conceal my heart this time.
Its feelings are pointless most of the time.
Although sometimes I wonder if it is hurtful to deny my heart its feelings and emotions.
Won't it only hurt in the long run if I bottle these things up inside me?
What right do I have to let them out anyway.

I don't know very much about someone before I fall in love.
I wish I could wait.
I can never wait.
For me it is always love at first sight.
Never love at wait a few months down the road and see how you feel.
For me relationships are like new albums.
You have all this bands previous albums and so the built up anticipation for this album is killing you!
You love it before you have even listened to it!
The new single off of it is so thrilling and amazing and beautiful!
So, the day the album finally comes out you frantically purchase it and bring it home.
You put it in a CD player, or on your laptop, and listen to it.
You immediately like the first song, maybe second, then the single which you already know is good.
As you continue listening to it you realize that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be.
You think, "maybe if I keep listening to it it will grow on me!"
Three days later you forgot about it and would rather listen to anything but that.
That is how my mind and heart work with men.

Hey Guys! It's Christmas time!

We can walk out after dark
Because it's Christmas time
Colored lights glow from the park
Because it's Christmas time
And the bells on the reindeer sled say
It's Christmas time
And the quilts on the back of the bed say
It's Christmas time

I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time

There's your father with his pipe
He says it's Christmas time
He might let us stay up all night
Because it's Christmas time
I might wish you all the best
Because it's Christmas time
I might kiss you on the back of your neck
Because it's Christmas time

I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time

Come into my world I've got to show, show, show you, Come into my bed I've got to know, know, know you

This weekend is my final time playing music at The Crossing at Woodland Fellowship (I refuse to call it anything else). The band for Sunday morning is pretty sweet. I mean, if you were a girl like me you'd want to date everyone in the band. There's a new boy I've never met playing bass, and he's beautiful. There's the usual Sunday morning guy who looks like he'd be my type, there's also a guitarist who is pretty cute too and once again my type, lastly there's the drummer, who is the only one I'd ever consider dating but is too young to play that game. Funny how the only one of all the attractive men I'm playing music with I actually have a slight crush on is 17 years old.

Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Perhaps I am a Cougar after all.

It's been awhile since I wrote in here. Not too terribly long, but long enough. You'd think I'd have tons of stuff to write about, but I do not. Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now except for the fact that I'm leaving in TWELVE DAYS TO MOVE TO INDIA. That's a little big, but I'm trying not to look at it. I'm trying to live every moment present. Present in the moment. I'm afraid I might burn out before I leave trying to make plans with everyone, and I feel like I'm hanging out with some people more than others and there are already people I have said my final good-bye to. I can't handle this. I'm ready to check out, but that's not what I really want. But it is hard to believe I leave not this Thursday, but next Thursday. Too soon! Too soon!

There are only two famous people I want to meet before I die. They are the only two people I would actually be disappointed with my life if I didn't meet them. One is Sufjan Stevens. He is a musical genius and I would love to just shake his hand. That's all I need. Jason Mraz on the other hand I want to sing one song with him. That is all.

I was going to try to take a nap today, but I believe it won't happen. Unless I fall asleep immediately. Then I'd get a decent nap out of today. I might try actually.

I miss my soul-mate and regret not calling her once more before she left. She truly is the most beautiful person on this earth to me.

Nobody raise your voices

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you. I am writing this because I love you.

I have to hold back tears every time I come home and the house smells like smoke. I am ready to leave the house when I am sitting in my bedroom and get a whiff of cigarette smoke. I am not going to lecture you on the ill effects of smoking because I know you know what you are doing to your body, but perhaps you don't think about what it does to your family. Your children don't even want to be around when you are smoking. We complain to each other about how the house smells like smoke because you don't want to smoke outside. We don't like it and I don't think I should have to breathe in toxic air because of your bad habit. I know it's hard to quit. I understand that it's an addiction. I just don't understand how you don't even try. You say you will, you will quit, you want to quit, but it doesn't happen, and one time when it did you started again. WHY?!?? What drove you to do it again? I don't get it! You are poisoning me and my brothers and your mother! But most importantly you are poisoning your own body! Your temple holding the King of Kings and His Holy Spirit. You are treating like crap the beautiful vessel God has created for you. Haven't you seen your own dad? Haven't you seen how hard it is for him to walk across the room? Do you want to become like him physically? Not able to care for his own wife because he's been smoking his entire life! My heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for my grandparents. My heart just plain breaks. I am tired of coming home having to breathe in second hand smoke because you cannot control your addiction. I do not want to say "I told you so" when you're a few years older and using an oxygen tank.

Mom, I remember a year or so ago you told me you wanted to run a marathon in two years. What happened to that ambition? I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will train with you and we'll run a marathon in 2010!

Dad, It seems like such a selfish thing to do, smoke all the time. Have you ever figured out how much money you spend a year on cigarettes? I know money is tight. It would help financially, physically, and spiritually. Everything would be a little better, a little cleaner! I challenge you to stop smoking while I am in India. You have nine months, and if you do I will go to the cabin with you every weekend and shoot guns with you!

There is nothing I want more on this earth right now than for my parents to stop smoking. I am ready to live somewhere else. I am ready to make them piss mad at me for bringing it up a million times. If they know how horrible it is then why put themselves through the torture and their own children! I know people who have lung cancer or throat cancer because of cigarettes and they're younger than my parents, but started around the same age. I can't imagine what my parent's lungs look like. I don't even want to know. Ignorance is not bliss in this situation. My parents could be 5 months away from cancer, or 5 days away! Life is short. Don't waste it doing stupid things.

No one's ever gonna love you more than I do

This past weekend I assumed I would sell most of my CDs. That didn't happen. I only sold 13. It is better than nothing, but it still upset me a little. I need to stop holding high expectations for everything. Wouldn't it be great if we could have high expectations for everything and still get blown out of the water all the time! They say to have low expectations then you can't possibly be disappointed, but what if we always had high ones and were never disappointed? That is what happens with God I think. We have such high expectations for human beings, but with God for some reason we have low expectations. Just because He doesn't do something immediately we assume He's never going to do it, or answer our prayers. We must be persistent. He needs to know our prayers aren't just whims like when my kids used to watch TV and a commercial would come on about any toy they'd all say they want it, but they'd forget about it the next hour. That is exactly how I am with God most of the time. I pray for whims. I mean, at the time they sound good to me, but I forget that I even prayed about it by the end of the day. Things I've been persistent about in prayer are finances, eternity (what it's going to be like), India (i'm terrified), and I don't know what else actually.

Today I got a phone call from the church I sold 13 CDs at this past weekend and someone at that church randomly wrote a check for me and put it in the offering! Not just a little sum of money either! So, it pays to be persistent. God really does have the biggest wallet ever and is free to give money to whomever he chooses, however he chooses. I think it's a confirmation. God is saying "Even though you're not working this month I can still provide you with your weekly salary. Don't worry about a thing. I got this and I love you."

Sometimes I think God is too good to me. I know I don't deserve anything, and even today I was going to fast, but when I woke up I thought, "I could start tomorrow" even though I don't even feel hungry! Here's what I think I'll do. I won't eat out cause I have no money to spare, unless someone feels generous enough to pay for me. Then I'll eat or drink or whatever. But for the next 23 days I'm not paying for anything. Period.

I love sneezing, but I have sneezed around 234 times in the last two days. I'm ready to kill myself. Could someone die of sneezing too much? Maybe.

Peaches is having a dream right next to me. Perhaps she's chasing a squirrel or rabbit somewhere. Maybe my Mom has come home and she's excited to see her. I wonder what dogs could possibly dream about. I dream about crazy intricate things that don't ever make sense once I wake up, but seem so real when I'm asleep. She dreams about bacon and small furry animals. What a life.

All I want is to be your housewife

An old friend is in town. I missed him. I love him. He is a great friend. One of few I always feel I can count on no matter where he and I live.

I feel incredibly overlooked by few people in my life, but the most important people in my life.

I also realized, which is somewhat related, that my friends that I have grown so close to within the last year are perhaps drifting away. It is partially my fault, but upon a few moving in two doors down from the others I feel as if I am not apart of what I once was. Of course they are going to be closer and more apt to talk to someone two doors down than wait for someone to drive 15-20 minutes there or vice versa. Why drive when you can walk? I know that they aren't doing anything purposefully. They just probably haven't even thought how it might push someone away or hurt them. At the beginning of this we were all warned about getting hurt, cause we would eventually get hurt by someone or some people in this group, I just didn't expect it before I left or at all. I think everyone is perfect until they prove me otherwise. It's a hard life to live. For realz.

I once fell in love with you just because the sky turned from grey into blue

I am stressed. Stressed, stressed, stressed. I am on the shortest fuse. I hate my life. I am so dramatic and emotional right now. I hate this. It's all my choice too. I had a good weekend alone at the cabin. God told me great things. Why can't I keep those at the front of my mind back in the working world? Money is stressful even though I have an over-abundance of it right now. Besides that though, checks aren't coming in and I need a farewell show soon. Anybody got a venue?

Reading is the only thing that calms me, reading and sleep, that is if I can manage to fall asleep. Lately I've been up all night worrying about things and then when I do fall asleep I dream about them and it worries me even more. Golly. Can't someone just clean out my mind? Just take a rag and wipe out everything. Everything must go! Use bleach if you have to. I just don't want to think about anything anymore.

Isn't My heart stretched out towards you to bless you? Didn't I say that I would shelter and protect you and be your strongest support? Give Me your entire being. I am your loving Father. I know your every need even before you need it. My provisions are not only sure, but full and overflowing, so that you may confess like the Psalmist, "I shall never want." You will see with a vision denied to many, for your heart is pure, and to the pure of heart is given the promise that they shall see God. How much more glorious than to behold the beauty of a thousand sunsets! How much more thrilling than the sight of the fairest faces ever to grace this earth!

I shall reveal Myself to you and you will know Me face to face, as Moses did. You will walk with Me and talk with Me and I will hold your hand and will be like a brother, like a friend. I will never leave you, and in the darkness I will be a light to you. In joy I will be an added comfort and in sorrow I will be the peace that surpasses understanding.

Don't look to man to tell you more about Me. Look to Me directly, for I will reveal Myself to you in a personal way and ways of which no other person could tell you. I will be as personal and dear to you as I was to John, the Beloved. I will take you aside as I did Peter and talk to you about things that concern you alone. I am not the God of congregations, but of the individual, and I am as concerned for you as I was for Abraham, Joseph, or David.

You are never one of many to Me. You are precious and dear to my heart like a special treasure. For I love you more than you can comprehend, and I long to gather you in My embrace and hold you close to My heart. Do not hold Me at arms length because you have a sense of unworthiness. Have you not read that the redeemed are brought near by the blood of Christ? Your sins are not covered, they are wiped away completely! They are not only forgiven, but forgotten!

Be as the prodigal embraced by his father. Though he would have resisted for a moment, he swiftly accepted his father's forgiveness and reciprocated his love and affection.

I, too, would bring you into My house and spread for you a feast of blessings, and place upon you the garment of praise, the ring of relationship, and the sandals of peace. Come, for all things are prepared for you and nothing will be denied.

Golly, I love this book. It always speaks to me. God always speaks to me through it. It's refreshing and humbling. It makes me want to lay and spend the day in bed with Him. In His embrace and listening to His heart beat. I wish I could actually do that. Lord, let me see your face like Moses did.

I have 3 days left of work and that seems too long for me. I never want to be a nanny again. I don't know how people can do this for years. I don't think I can do anything for years. I always need to change things up. I could never be stuck in a job for more than 5 years. I have to travel and experience new things. I have to go, go, go. Someday I'll be asked to stay, but today isn't that day.

Pray for Northern India. They had major monsoon flooding today. A million people are trapped.

The enemy has been defeated, death couldn't hold You down

Going to the cabin alone was the most brilliant idea I've had in years! God spoke to me, he held me, he loved me, He even inspired a new song in me once again. I love when He shows you verses and parts of books that are completely relevant to what is going on in your life. I hope my final week of work reflects my time alone with my Love. I couldn't wipe the silly grin off my face last night.

I know you don't know what life is really worth

I am quickly losing heart for my children. This job is so hard most of the time. I am counting down the hours until my day is done, counting down the days until the week is done, and counting down the weeks until I am done here. I have one week left of this difficult job. I think I make it more difficult than it really is. I mean, how hard is it to hang out with three young kids all day? How about you come and take one of these days for me and you will have your eyes opened to the hell that is my job. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Today I realized that maybe I don't actually love them as much as I thought I did. The past year they have worn down my love, my mind, my heart, my stamina, everything within me has been affected. I think even the way I view God and my friends and family has been changed. It's so hard to know my outlook on people has changed because of these three kids, but really it's not their faults at all! It's the way I have chosen to handle them and their issues. I choose to be crabby. I choose to yell. I choose to punish. I choose to be lazy. I feel like "what does it matter to change anything now? I have 5 days left." But it does matter, and I do need to change something. Even as I type this they are fighting. Ay carumba. I just want to put them all in their bedrooms, close the door, and never let them out. They can't fight if they don't get to see each other. Then, maybe tomorrow, when they get to come out and see each other after a day of solitude, maybe they will be happy to see each other and show love to each other. It's hard to love kids that don't love each other.

I have been feeling like because I want to partake in fleshly desires and because I don't love my children that God isn't going to provide for me to go to India. I don't know why I'm thinking this way. I know that He doesn't give according to what you deserve. I mean that's what grace is all about. I have a tainted view of God and his reasons for doing things. He doesn't really need a reason. I can't wrap my mind around that.

I almost cried yesterday. I almost cried two days ago as well. I am so sensitive. I hide it most of the time and keep it all inside me. If someone does something that offends me or hurts my little feelings I don't ever say anything. I have been keeping a lot of these inside for a long time now, and I think they're trying to get out. This weekend is going to be much needed.

Tomorrow night I am driving to my cabin. Alone. I will stay there through Sunday. I am going to spend all that time alone with God. I have never done this before and I am so excited! I just want this week to be over with so I can get up there and weep, sing, love, pray, confess, repent, cry out, you get the idea. So, if you think about me at all this weekend, pray that I get some answers. Answers to what? I am not even sure yet, but I want to come home with a glowing face, like Moses. Wouldn't that be sweet?

I really would like to bless the family I have worked with for the last year and three months. I don't know how I am going to do that. I know how I can bless the kids next week. I was thinking of taking them to the Minnesota Zoo or the Science museum or something. But, as for the parents, I am not sure. I was going to make them a mix CD of love songs, but that seems stupid. I'd like to watch the kids sometime to let them go out some night and have a nice dinner.

I leave in 45 days to go to the most foreign place I will ever encounter. India scares me. It is an intimidating country. 1 billion people live there! 1 billion! People! Cows fill the streets along with Lamborghinis and prostitutes. Lord, what are you doing with my life?

Purlpe Haze, Galang galang galanga

I love my soul-mate. She is so amazing, beautiful, witty, and fun. Oh manzo. I love the city of New Orleans. I feel like I could live here and ride my bike around everywhere I needed to go. I'd be a sweaty pig all the time, but it would be worth it! I could be so cute and strong and I feel like my music would flourish in a place like this. This place is full of music everywhere you go. I feel like I love life more here. Mostly cause I'm with my soul-mate.

I think Australia and New Zealand are stuck in a time in the past. Not too far in the past, but just maybe 6 months or a year in the past.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Today is my rainbow. Tomorrow I will be over the rainbow and in New Orleans! I hope that when I return from the South I will be well rested and my heart will have been softened. I want my final seven days with my kids to count! I want to have fun and show them love.

I hate the world's view of how our lives should play out. We go to school, High School, College/University, get a career, retire, and live the last few years of our lives doing what we want finally. What's so wrong with doing that backwards? Why is it inconceivable to not go to College? Why is it so unfathomable to not have a "plan" or a career path? I am not worried about my life and where it's going. Why should I be? Because you tell me to? This society; our culture is stuck. Stuck in the mindset of our parents, the baby boomers. I am perfectly okay with going against the grain.

I have one day with these kids this week, today, and I'm ready to go home. It's only noon. I still have about five more hours with them and I've already had four. Lordy, Lord, please make today go by fast.

Michael Phelps is ridiculous. He is one year older than me and has already won like 8 gold medals. They showed a typical day in the life of Michael the other day and he wakes up then swims for at least five hours, eats, sleeps, wakes up, swims. He has to eat between 8,000 and 10,000 calories a day! Michael Phelps is ridiculous. I want to be like him.

I can't help but dislike disney stars. They get everything handed to them on a silver platter, but they always turn into D-bags. I had a dream the other night that I was one of the Cheetah Girls and we were doing a tour with the Jonas Brothers. One of the Cheetah Girls hated me, I don't know why, but I remember trying to act cool around the Jonas Brothers, not because I liked them, but because I wanted them to like me. Oh man. I'm such a dork even in my dreams!

I don't care what you think about love

I am such a dork. I have decided not to even bother. I am not going to try. I don't care what you think, I'll just sit here. Sometimes I hate my life and the way I think and act and talk. Ha ha. I pretty much hate myself most of the time. Right now I just find myself hilarious. I put my whole being into things when I should only be giving small parts of me to certain things. It's like an all or nothing deal with my head, heart, and life. More often than not it's "all". Ay Carumba. I just want to write new songs. I guess I haven't sat down to try for awhile, but I hate writing them always about me or writing them always about boys I have crushes on for like 3 weeks. They're pointless.

Today no plans have been made. I think I'll go buy some guitar strings, maybe go swimming, and just chill out. Clean the living room. Hopefully eat something.

Will you feel better, better, better? Will you feel anything at all?

Life is the funniest thing. I mean you meet people that you had some sort of relationship with them or their family years and years ago. A lot of old flames have ignited these past two weeks. New flames too, but the new ones were quickly blown out. The old ones however, are going strong. My heart breaks for people who break up and who truly loved one another. My heart does not break for people who break up and who were manipulative and dis-respectful to their partner's family.

A lot of thoughts are running through my mind today. I have nothing to do so far, so my brain is running on crazy. I cannot stop it! What can I do to silence my thoughts? I better play the guitar later. That will help. It always does. I don't know what I'm going to do in India when I don't have my guitar. My brain might explode and all of God's truths will ooze out all over the floor of my room.

Music is one of the greatest things ever created. I don't know how I would live without it. I wish I could play the piano. I think life would be better for me if I did. Just one of 700 things I want to change or do.

I'm on a roll, I want the whole enchilada, I'm on a roll, from the thrift store to prada

I really am on a roll! I can't stop thinking. Sometimes I believe my thinking gets the best of me. I hate that I fall in love so easily. It's not even love. It's like as soon as a man pays attention to me I go crazy! I can't stop thinking about it so now when I see this person next I'm going to make an absolute fool out of myself because I've been thinking about him all effing week long! Oh Lord, I know this is happening before I go to India for some stupid reason. It'll be nice to get away from this country for awhile. I totally and fully believe we need to start changing the United States, our home, before we go out "into all the world" and I'm not going to India for anything other than studying. I want to come back with a passion for this country and a love for our own people. I don't want to hate this country. I don't want to feel like it's a waste of time. I want to be a pioneer in America. That might be harder to do here than a different place, but that's why it needs to happen. I went to New Zealand because it was going to be hard. I went to Vanuatu because I knew it would be the most challenging place to live. I am going to India because I'm terrified of it. I feel comfortable here, but I know that once I start becoming uncomfortable here it will begin the most uncomfortable time of my life!

Sometimes I don't want to fall asleep because I know what I'm going to dream about. Last night was one of those times. I must stop feeding the fire.

I just cannot wait no more, no more, this is our fate, I'm yours

Oh man. I think that life is really funny! Let me tell those of you that actually read this a story. When I was pretty young, we're talking 11 or 12 years of age I hung out with my cousin Mikey a lot. We talked every day on the phone and I did a lot of things with his family. He had this friend. A very good looking friend I thought at the time, but I think Mikey ended up telling his friend that I had a crush on him. Much to my surprise and horror, Mikey's friend wanted to have nothing to do with me and said I was ugly. Harsh words for a 11 year old girl to hear! Every time Mikey brings up this person I think of how foorish I was and naive to have liked some jerk-ass boy just because I thought he was cute.

Today was Tuesday, Trashy Tuesday as us McCollor cousins like to call it. This time, our third...maybe fourth Trashy Tuesday Mikey invites some friends. He told me that the boy I used to think was so cute back in the day was coming, and I'm thinking, "how embarrassing, if he remembers who I am! I'm done for" I didn't know what to expect, so I had a beer. By the time he got there with his other friend I was in for quite the treat! They pretend to be these made up people sometimes, and it's actually the funniest thing I've seen in a while. So, they take their masks off and finally introduce themselves, and they're both really awesome guys! Even the one who had rejected me so early on in life! After we hang out for awhile they decide it would be best for them to leave. I did not want them to leave. I liked being around them. They were silly, and I like silly. They also were not high, so that was a huge plus as well. After they left Mikey's friend of old contacted Mikey and told him that I was cute! His cousin Sarah was cute.

Of all people in my life I never thought he'd be one I'd ever, ever see again, and it's funny now because he actually thinks I'm cute this time, and after seeing him now I didn't think he was all that cute. Oh man, funny how life does these twists and turns. For real. I will see him again on Saturday, though it's not him I'm excited to see again. Golly, why can't Jesus lovin' guys be attracted to me? I always pull in the "bad boys" the guys with one thing on their mind. You know the type.

What's so wrong with making out with someone you hardly know anyway?

They build buildings so, they build buildings so, they build buildings so tall these days

Today was a good day. Let me just start off by saying that. Mostly it was a good night. I was able to see The Dark Knight again (I keep wanting to write "Night" instead of "Knight") with my bro Justin. I think he liked it. He didn't talk much about it afterward, but perhaps he thought about how amazing it was. He is only 13 years of age though, just barely old enough to enjoy anything more complicated than legos and pizza rolls. He is a funny kid, I'll give him that. He's beginning to get influenced by the world and that scares me a little bit. I can imagine it being hard since his only friends are school friends and none of them are good influences. He just goes with the flow even though he won't admit it.

I was very excited that I got to see an old friend, and by old, I mean incredibly old friend tonight. It's probably been about 5 or 6 years since I saw them last, but a few more than that since we talked. It couldn't have been a deep conversation either because it was when we were 11 or 12. Funny, I know. Needless to say, it was really good to see this person and I am sad we only talked for a few short minutes and they leave tomorrow only to be gone for another 14 to 18 months.

It was good to spend time with a new, old friend. I say new because we've known each other for a little less than a year, and I say old because they already feel like those old friends you have that you go to first with things. Not that I go to this person first, but he's one of the first in my mind when I need help or need prayer or have encouragement or even just simply want to hang out with! I got to help him out this evening and I thought it only fitting since he helped me out so much when my family was moving. He's one of those "lifers" you know? Well, he'll be a "lifer" until he gets married, then who knows what'll happen, but I know we'll be good friends until then. I say "he" like he's going to get married first, and it's probably true.

I fall in and out of love so easily I wonder if it ever was love in the first place.

God, I don't want to fall in love in India. I don't want to fall in love with a man there. I want to fall in love with You there, but not a human man. Not for me. I want to focus on You and your words. I want to fall in love with that country and the people of that country and their culture, but not a specific man.

Can you imagine if I hadn't broken up with that boy in sixth grade shortly after we started "going out"? what my life would be like now. I'm not saying we would have been together since then, but what if it were longer? I think my first relationship was a mini-version of all my future relationships. Short. To the point. Almost pointless. I say almost, because there was one I feel was not pointless at all. I really did love this one, at least I think I did. Not the sixth grade one. Anyway, I never really knew any of my boyfriends very well before they took on that roll in my life. I think that is why they never lasted.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I know the answer to that. I am not ready. I am not myself yet. I still don't know what it truly means to be confident. I fall in like way too easily. I don't think I'm good enough most of the time. I stumble over my words a lot. I am quiet a lot of the time. I have sweaty hands and I bite my fingernails. Shall I go on? I do, however, know that I am valuable, beautiful, and worth peoples' time most of the time.

I had a good night. I'm going to bed with a smile on my face. I hope to wake up with it still sitting there and I pray it sticks with me all day at work.

Some days aren't yours at all, they come and go as if they were someone else's days

Most days I hate my job.
Some days I love my job.

Most days I am tired.
Some days I get to sleep in.

Most days I go swimming.
Some days I lift weights.

Most days I wish I would cry.
Some days I wish I could stop feeling.

Most days I wish I could help my friend.
Some days I do not want to.

Most days I do not want to spend any money.
Some days I spend too much.

Most days I see my family.
Some days I feel my heart break for them.

Most days I like to recycle.
Some days I am too lazy to recycle.

Most days I worry about everything.
Some days I do not have a care in the world.

Most days I miss friends from far away places.
Some days I miss friends right around the corner.

Most days I desire to write new songs.
Some days I actually do it.

Most days I want to change the world.
Some days I spend wondering how that will ever be accomplished.

Most days I laugh.
Some days I only sigh.

Most days I eat too much.
Some days I hope to never eat.

Most days I judge everyone I come across.
Some days I judge myself more harshly than any other thing on this planet.

Most days I glorify the world.
Some days I glorify the Lord.

You might be a big fish in a little pond

I must resolve to never spend money again unless it's going to my car or cell phone. For real. Most of the time I hate that I have a credit card, but it's times like these when I am supposed to be over-drafting that I love having a credit card. Though, I do hate that I am over-drafting.

I want to do more with my money. More as in more for others and less for me. It's hard knowing that my money is low because of selfishness. A coffee here, a movie there. You get the idea. I figure if I fast from spending money for a few weeks that might be amazing. Who needs to fast from food when fasting from money would be so much healthier?

I am quickly realizing I have a hard heart. Not a hard heart in every aspect of my life, just in the one that I spend the most time on. Work. My heart has become so hard towards these kids. A person cannot spend most of their time with small children. At least I cannot spend most of my time with small children. I become this overly crabby mean adult that kids know and fear. It's probably good for them to fear me, but I don't think they fear me in a good way. JFK. They hardly fear me. I wish I was so intimidating to them that they respected me and didn't feel like pushing the envelope all the time. Well, I have 25 days left with these kids. I better make it count!

I don't know what I am going to do with these children today because it is supposed to storm all day. I hate thunderstorms. They are one of the scariest things in the world to me. A few of my fears? Thunderstorms, Flying, and eternity. Also, I have this weird fear when I drive past a car that they might have a gun and shoot me as I'm driving by. Is that unrealistic or what?

This weekend I finally move out of my St. Paul apartment. I am so excited to not live there anymore. It's so far out of the way. I should not have gone there in the first place. I know what I was thinking, but I should have thought through it better. From now on my moves will be more realistic and eco-friendly. Driving an hour every day to and from work isn't the greatest gas and environment choice.

I am so excited that my parents now live in a house with a pool. It is the greatest fun to wake up and go on a morning swim. I haven't exactly done that yet, but it's possible! I must get a swim cap for that.

Right now I have about $1,000 dollars in the bank for my trip. I need to get a plane ticket, and hopefully my Visa is on its way to me, but I'm afraid they might be sending it to my Saint Paul address. Fortunately we have the greatest landlord who I'm sure will keep an eye out for it. I pray they send it to my permanent address and not my temporary one.

I pray that my parent's other house sells soon so that I can get money for my car. I also pray that Wells Fargo gets back to me about my line of credit. I'm afraid it's like a loan, but hey, whatever works. Especially for right now. I can pay this off as the year goes on. Lord, bless my finances. I know I need to be spending less. I am sorry for being selfish with my money and I also know that one of these days I'll suddenly understand how foolish spending money on temporary things is.

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend

Sometimes I wish I was attracted to certain people, but I know that if I was they wouldn't feel the same way about me. Know what I'm saying? Like, right now I don't have feelings for this person and they don't have feelings for me, but they're an amazing person so it'd be cool to be attracted to them, but if I was they wouldn't have feelings for me still. Get it? Got it? Good.

I made a choice on Tuesday to not have a crappy week with these kids. It is so hard when they bicker, fight, argue, hit, kick, yell, scream, scratch, pinch, and won't eat a single thing I have to offer unless it's a waffle or grilled cheese sandwich. It's hard not to get frustrated and it's hard not to yell at them and tell them how incredibly ridiculous they are. Especially when their only form of communication is some sort of whiny infant noise that barely comes through their mouth cause their bottom lip is so large and pouty. I hate pouty lips. Also, when kids cry over WAFFLES! or anything else. Goggles. Shorts. Cheezits. TV. Blankets. You get the idea. I dislike many aspects of children. Which seems so unreal because I love them so much. I wish I could video tape them now and save it for 10 years and show them all the little brats they can be when they were younger.

Lord, I want to write a new song. I have been itching to write one for a long while. Please inspire me and give me words to sing to you or to a friend or to a family member or to a people group or to a celebrity even! Whatever. I just want a song.

I also care so deeply for my dear friend who seems to be spiraling downward, knowing it's happening, knowing it's her choice, knowing how to change it, yet it continues. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything I guess. I don't want to enable her, I just want to love her. It's hard for me and I know it's not up to me, so I'm putting her in your altar. You are the rescuer; you are the comforter; you are the healer; you are the pursuer; you are the Father; you are the lover; you are the only thing she needs right now. The only thing.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray.

India is intimidating. It is huge. It is full of people that speak Hindi. It has foods my body won't be used to. There will be cattle roaming the streets. I can only stay in the country for six months at a time. I need $3,000 more dollars for my school plus I have to make payments on my credit card and my compassion child. Lord, take away my fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations, and doubts that come with this SBS. Nothing is ever easy.

I am tired of just simply surviving every week. I survive day after day with the kids to get to the weekend, then I fill my weekend up with plans and then before I know it I'm back to surviving the work week again. I want to be compassionate towards my children and I want to have mercy on them. It is so hard to not be cranky around them because they fight with each other all the time. I don't know how they can show so little love towards one another. I try so hard to show them love, but not hard enough I guess. I am not getting through.

I must stick with a strict sleeping schedule again. Life was good when I did that a few months back. It must start again this upcoming week. I need to stop going to bed at one in the morning only to get 6 hours of sleep. Ba humbug!

Working out is pretty easy to me now. At least the lifting weights part. Not so much the aerobic/cardio part. Also, the eating part is hard too. I cannot stop eating sweets. I love me some calories! I actually conquered a desire for ice cream today though! Usually when I want something I get it. Horrible. I need to stop that. I must think about fruit or vegetables as a delectable dessert. That way I can eat those all I want, when I want, and not feel bad about it later!

O Father, let me not lose sight of you tomorrow at work. Show me how to be compassionate and merciful to these kids. Be my hands and feet. Speak through me to them and love through me to them. I do love them, but I am afraid it does not show most of the time. Let me be an adult around them when it comes to serious things, but be fun when it comes to playing.

I eat my candy with pork and beans

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.
For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
- matthew 6:13-14 -

I looked at a whole ton of pictures today of the Lonavala campus at the U of N Pune. That is the exact campus I will be staying at while I am in India. The pictures I thought, would help ease my mind on the craziness of India, but they did not at all. In fact they did the exact opposite. I did not see hardly any "Americans" in the pictures, granted they were taken a few years ago. I still was worried that I would be the only person from the U.S. there. Why does this scare me? I usually run with the idea of spending time with people of other cultures. My favorite people in New Zealand were the Koreans, and I fell in love with a Fijian! I jump at the opportunity to be with people who aren't familiar with the "American" way of life. I should be even more excited to go to India because of this observation, yet I am hardly there. All I can think is, "this is going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done!", "This is going to be so hard!", "what am I getting myself into?" Which is exactly what God wants. It's a hard way, a narrow way, but the only way. I am so thankful I didn't choose Montana or England. Although England isn't sounding so bad. But, New Zealand wasn't a far off stretch from the American culture. India is going to be a whole new ball game. Nothing familiar at all. Even in Europe it was easy. Vanuatu was hard, but not incredibly crowded, and a very simple way of life.

My promises are of no avail to you except as you apply and appropriate them by faith. In your daily walk, you will be victorious only to the degree that you trust Me. I can help you only as you ask. I will meet you at every point where you put action alongside prayers. Only as you walk will the waters of adversity be parted before you. Overburdened as the world is with trouble and sickness, I need those who have proved My sufficiency in everyday, personal experience to lead the suffering to the fountains of life. I need those who have found Me as burden-bearer to help bring deliverance to the oppressed...
...No case is too hard for Me. Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. "Faith and Action" - Francis J. Roberts

I Will Walk With Integrity

I will sing of steadfast love and justice;
to you, O Lord, I will make music.
I will ponder the way that is blameless.
Oh when will you come to me?
I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.
I hate the work of those who fall away;
it shall not cling to me.
A perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will know nothing of evil.


Please let that be me, O Lord. Mold me into this person. Make me blameless. Let me not be tempted by evil things. My desire right now is to be all that you want me to be. It shouldn't take a human to make me want to be better. It should be you. Granted you came as a human but also as God. Give me holy dreams. Show me eternity. Open my eyes to holy things unseen. I am yours, Father. I am yours.

People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous

Oh my goodness.
I am so nervous about this India business. I feel like there are 7,432 things I need to do before I leave and right now it seems so complicated and hard and nerve-wracking and terrifying and impossible and unrealistic. But I know that with God all things are possible! Why, this time, do I doubt His provision and His peace? Why am I so worried about this? I must bring this into the light.

I am not working tomorrow because I'm afraid I have tonsillitis and I don't want the family to get it. It doesn't hurt much, but it's annoying having a swollen throat and when I sleep it seems to get worse. Because I'm not working tomorrow I think I'll go somewhere quiet and spend the day with my Father. That would be amazing. I pray the weather is nice tomorrow so I can go hide away in nature somewhere. I want to write a song tomorrow! I want to hear your voice tomorrow! I want to find a piece of my identity tomorrow! I want to feel peace tomorrow! I want to intercede tomorrow! I want to see your glory tomorrow!

I am getting overwhelmed here. So many things are going on in my life right now. I am looking to move home from St. Paul, but the same time I'm supposed to try to move home my family is moving to a new house and we're supposed to be having this giant rummage sale for me! I also have to apply for a Visa for India sooner than later but not too soon. I need plane tickets which is turning out to be hard since my return flight is too far in the future for them to book anything. I must get $8,000 dollars somewhere. I can't think about this anymore. I'll be up all night tossing and turning wondering how this stuff is going to fall into place if I write anymore about it.

Father, I know you are in control of this. I know that you will provide for me. I give my concerns and worries to you right now. Please calm my body and my senses and my nerves. Make my heart HUGE! I want to not be concerned with how things are going to get accomplished but work on healing things before I leave. Please put my priorities in the right places. Reveal to me what my priorities should be this week so that I can work on them in a good way, a pleasing way to you. I only want to glorify you with this decision and stressing out about all the details isn't doing that. I want to trust you completely. I want to be open with friends and family here and share my worries and doubts. I pray that you'll bring me confirmation for India so that I have an awesome testimony to how great you are.

May the Lord do what is good in His sight.

Stick with me baby, you gotta stick with me baby

I just purchased the Robert Plant and Allison Kraus CD. AMAZING!

Today I conquered my fears and sprinted past my nervous feelings. I tore down a wall that was in dire need of bulldozing. I now feel like I can see farther off into the distance than I have been able to for the last 7 months. I am praying that this will turn into something beautiful and I can't wait to become a great friend in someone's life. A better friend than I have been. A real person. Needless to say, I am so thankful that it happened and for now whatever happens I'm okay with.

I dislike thunderstorms. Perhaps the day I don't shudder when I hear thunder will be the day I am no longer a nervous person. I have been scared of thunderstorms ever since I can remember. It's like a hate/love relationship. I love their power and it reminds me that God is powerful in a world where I feel we water Him down so much saying He's our Love and Father and friend and wants to sweep us off our feet. Those things are all true of course, but we lose the power and might and creativeness of Him.

That was when I ruled the world

I wrote this a few months ago and want to keep it around:

The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.

Sometimes I actually consider becoming anorexic! Can you believe that? I'm going through one of those no confidence phases. The biggest mountain in my life keeping me from seeing God's glory is comparing myself to other people. I'm not as fit as her, I'm not as good at guitar as him, I am not as good as the super nanny, I don't look good in that kind of dress, etcetera.

I need God to speak to me more. I remember praying in my dreams! I miss that. My mind and spirit were so focused on God that my dreams were about Him. That's what I want every night.

Here's something I read today that I believe is for me from God:

O My Beloved, abide under the shelter of the lattice-for I have betrothed thee unto Myself, and though ye are sometimes indifferent toward Me, My love for thee is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for thy love and affection is deep and constant.

Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with Me. Take it, though ye leave the tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance than ye think. Our time together is like a garden full of flowers, whereas the time ye give to things is as a field full of stubble.

I love thee, and if ye can always, as it were, feel My pulsebeat, ye shall know many things the knowledge of which shall give thee sustaining strength. I bare thy sins and wish to carry thy burdens. Ye may have the gift of a light and merry heart. My love bower is the place where ye shall find it, for My love dispels all fear and is a cure for every ill. Lay thy head upon My breat and lose thyself in Me. Thou shalt experience resurrection life and peace; the joy of the Lord shall become thy strength; and wells of salvation shall be opened within thee.

Lord, make those truths known in my life. Let me dream about You tonight and give me strength to love Ryley with a pure heart tomorrow.

Cause It's Been One of Those Kind of Days

No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends. - John 15:13

I'm pretty sure that doesn't say "No one has greater love than to kill for his friends."

I am also pretty sure we are supposed to love our enemies. Whether they are going to kill innocent people or not.

I hate "what if"s.

I also dislike discussions and arguments, but boy oh boy did I walk myself into a large one tonight and it was pretty much like two against one! I was ready to cry and leave angry, but then I told them how I felt and we changed the subject. Thankfully my friendship is more important to them than winning an argument.

So what if my opinion doesn't agree with yours. You telling me your argument isn't going to miraculously change it, and me sharing mine isn't going to change your mind. This I know all too well, and this is why I dislike discussions and arguments. Nothing changes, so what's the point?

I can't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours

I cannot fall asleep. This has become all too familiar lately. First, I get terrified of eternity, more than usual, then I can't fall asleep. What is going on? I just got off the phone with my roommate. She had a job interview a few days ago in Houston and basically is going to be offered a job tomorrow. A pretty swanky one too! She'll have a company car, phone, office, you get the idea...She'll pretty much be moving down there at the end of June. I basically have one month left with her! I'm sort of jealous. I can't even be a sales associate at Urban Outfitters, and she is being offered this cushy job in Houston? She'll be making way more than I probably ever will, and here I am going to India in 5 months with hardly a penny in the bank and a wheel bearing that needs to be replaced in my car. I just have to try to remind myself that it's okay travelling down the non-traditional path. It's okay having a job that barely pays the bills. I still make more than a majority of the people in this world. It just seems kind of ominous when I look at the big picture. I need at least $8,000 dollars by September 27th. When I lay in bed all I can think about is how I'm going to save money. What can I cut out of my life that I'm spending unnecessary funds on? What can I do to save every penny? How will I find more income? Worry, worry, worry! Lord, I cast all my worries on you because you care for me. I know you will provide. Please take away my fear and earthly doubts. Show me your Kingdom here and now. Make me your instrument.

In the last few months the weeks have flown by, but for some reason this week is ever so slowly creeping along. I am so ready for these 40 days of relations, transformations, and missions! I am so ready to start reading your ancient yet always applicable words again. I am so ready to fast for 40 days again...fruits and veggies that is. No worries folks. I won't be going without solids again for awhile.

Since I'm on the complain train I'll just get a few things off my chest while I still can.
I want a second job.
I want my CD to be duplicated.
I want out of the band.
I want a boyfriend.
I want to be able to eat everything I want and still lose weight.
I want to wake up happy.
I want to sleep in every day.
I want to take guitar lessons.
I want to go to therapy.
I want to stop paying taxes.
I want to find $8,000 on the ground.
I want to go swimming all day tomorrow.
I want someone to tell me I'm worth something.
I don't want to sing at my cousin's wedding on Saturday.
I want to say "no" for once in my life.
I want to get rid of my car and never own one again.
I want to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents.
I want to go to Fiji for a month.
I want to go to Perth for two or more years.
I want to go to Lauren's wedding, but with Mal Pal.
I want to fall asleep as soon as I lay down again.

Most of all, I want my desires to reflect your heart.

Details in the fabric

It's getting late so I won't be long with this one.

My so called life! Remember that TV show? I never saw it, but I remember the name. My life isn't crazy, but it is. I have so many things speeding through my brain at the speed of sound most likely. I can't even stop to look at one because another thing is coming up so fast! Jobs, money, bills, friends, family, Bible, Jesus, Kingdom, neighbors, travel, India, Ryley, crushes, dreams, The Office, swimming, running, boflex, sleeping, cramps, etc.

Yikes! That is a lot and that's only what comes to mind immediately. If I really thought about it I'd have a zillion more things that I should be thinking about. It's hard to work on one at a time when they all seem so important to get through.

I am so tired, but happy that when I wake up it will be Friday!

I finally heard from my Soul-mate tonight via e-mail. So relieved. So happy. So sad. I miss her. A lot. It gets me depressed just to think about how far away she is and how I really have no clue when I'm going to see her next.

My eating habits need to change. I'm happy i'm starting to get into the work out routine again. Praise God for that! It's the only thing I have managed to do consistently in my entire life. That and brush my teeth, bite my fingernails, and eat lots of food. But oddly enough, I read an article in Elle magazine that made me almost love me just the way I am! I would tell every woman I know to read this article! If only I knew the name of it at the moment.

I have a lot of things to pray about and seek answers for. A lot. Church stuff. What is this Kingdom Jesus talked about oh so much? Financial situation/provision. W-I-S-D-O-M. I need a bigger heart. A more guarded heart. A stronger heart.

I was thinking of changing how I wrote in this, but decided to not. I like how real I am here. For some reason getting things out on paper or type relieve me of feelings I don't need to fall asleep to. I can rest at ease knowing my mumbled thoughts make some kind of sense somewhere. I think when I get married I won't keep a journal like this anymore cause I'll share all these thoughts with the man of my dreams as we lay down to fall asleep. I hope I talk to my husband in bed all night like I do when I have "sleepovers" with girl friends.

Well, it's almost 11:30 and that means 7.5 hours of sleep! Not enough, but better than 7.

On Love, In Sadness

I know this sounds incredibly cheesy, but I knew from the moment I saw you I was done for. Your personality sucked me in like a black hole, but not a terryfying black hole, a pleasant one. You always know how to keep my chin up. I mean, I keep my own chin up, but you make me want to do that. I feel like I barely know you, but I also feel like you've been a part of my life for years. I can't explain it. I want so much for my life to be intertwined with yours forever, but at least for right now it is and that is blessing enough for me. I was worried that you would be quite a distraction like all the others in the past were, but it's fairly easy to concentrate with you around. I don't know what this would be called then. Perhaps i'm turning it into something more than it really is. That's the most likely explanation. I told myself I was done with this, and I still am, but I can't help but feel like I'm still holding on. I try to think of how unrealistic it is and I can't come up with very many unrealistic points. All I know is that when I'm with you I end up dreaming about you that night, and it's not like a weird dream or anything, we act the same way in real life as in the dreams though in the dreams there's an unspoken vibe about us. A good unspoken vibe that is. Like there could be something more underneath it all, but i never stick around long enough in the dream to find out. I respect you. I know that's what a man most desperately needs. I respect your opinions and your openness, and I love the way you love. You love people so well. You love me so well. You love Jesus so well. There are so many things that run through my mind when I'm not with you. I wish I could just call you up and talk. I wish I wasn't the queen of awkward.

I used to write letters like these on paper back in my high school days. I can't recall the last time I did it.

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be confident and happy about who I am. Maybe I don't really know who I am yet. That's gotta be the problem. Lord, who am I?

Oh when the day is blue I sit here wondering about you

God is slowly and somewhat painfully making me realize I need to put all my trust in Him. Not in any other person on this earth. Who can I trust but Him? I am slowly starting see that He is the only dependable, trustworthy, loyal, providing person in my life, and I take Him so much for granted. I have been relying on people too much lately. Putting my trust in humanity is hopeless. It will always be hopeless.

I wasn't prepared for this.

I set up a couple of deadlines to 1. stop thinking about someone romantically, and 2. not be interested completely. I hope this works.

I feel like I am breaking into a million tiny pieces. I feel like I need to get away from here for a few days. Either alone or go to visit a friend in a far off place. I really miss Mallory. I think I might look into flying out there for a few days. I don't know. I'm just processing things as I am typing them. I of course miss Kimberly immensely. It's funny, the only human I feel like I can trust in this life is on the other side of the world. Kim, know you are missed dearly.

It is sporadically raining, thundering, and lightning right now. It'll be a good day to sleep with the window half-open. I love sleeping with the windows open. Ever since Vanuatu it's hard for me not to.

Sometimes I think so many things will make me happy, but I know they won't. Deep down I know they will not bring me happiness that lasts. Besides, I keep telling myself that these are things that everyone yearns for, so they can't make me happy because people have wanted these things for the last 100 years. I am wired no differently than Eve.

It feels so unnatural, Peter Gabriel too.

I feel so unnatural right now. Something is going on in my mind or heart or something and I can't put my finger on it. It most likely has to do with a lot of little things. The fact that it snowed all day today, or the fact that I have to clean up after this cat all week, or the fact that I can't ever stop eating, or the fact that I have no one to talk to anymore, or the fact that I started watching Felicity, or the fact that I don't have a boyfriend, or the fact that I haven't read the Bible in a week, or the fact that I don't have a "church" that feels like home, or the fact that I have yet to hear back from India, or the fact that I got my period today, or the fact that I miss living with my family, or the fact that I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, or the fact that I don't have health insurance, or the fact that I have barely enough money to pay my bills, or the fact that I have to practice for my band's cd release party this Saturday, or the fact that I don't want to be a nanny anymore, or the fact that I want to write a song but can't, or the fact that I don't look good in a bikini. All these things and more are contributing to this minor depression.

Sometimes I never want to eat again, but when the time comes to actually stop from putting something in my mouth I just have to do it! Then I don't stop. Sometimes I want to start running and never stop, but I eventually get tired, and right now I am not strong enough to do that anyway. Sometimes I wish I could buy a plane ticket somewhere. A one-way ticket. If I don't hear back from India that's what I'm going to do.

Here I am, laying in bed and what did I accomplish today? Nothing. I watched Felicity all day. I fed the cat when I was supposed to. I drove to my nanny family and let their dog out when I was supposed to, and that's it.

Last night I dreamt I was getting along so well with someone. Someone I do get along real well with, but it was different. It was like they loved me. Really loved me. They looked at me with those eyes. That look of pure love. Not "I love you and want to marry you" love, but true love. Like the way I think Jesus would look at me if he were laying here in bed right next to me. It was an incredible dream. The kind of dream you love to have, yet hate all at the same time because when you wake up you know it's not real...but you wish so much that it was.

It's time to take these socks off. I really am pathetic. If you didn't know that, I'm telling you right now.

I think God isn't good enough for me sometimes, well most of the time. I'm so sorry for that. God should be all that I need, but I don't put Him in that position in my life very often. If at all. Something needs to change. My attitude. My heart needs to be more guarded. My mindset needs to change.

I am not the center of this universe.

would you ever be my, would you be my fucking boyfriend?

It is hard sometimes in this world to be alone. By "alone" I mean "single." I know that I am not alone. I am never without a Savior, I am never without family, and I am never without friends. I keep hoping that if I become good enough friends with someone they'll fall in love with me. I keep hoping if I lose enough weight they'll want to pursue me. It always comes down to them. I wish so much that it didn't. So long I have desired confidence and apathy towards being in a relationship. I should really never hang out with them alone. It only seems to make me want it more. Being with him today was wonderful. I even enjoyed hearing a story about a girl who was probably way more beautiful than I am. It is a little disheartening to realize I am not going to be pursued here, but that's what I need. Especially right now. I need no distractions even though I feel like I'd have less of those if I were in a relationship. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all those "if"s. It is stupid that being "taken" would give me more confidence and self-esteem. Why is God not good enough for me?

This winter is taking too long to go away. It's destroying my life. I just want to run and never stop. I want to run away from my job and away from my bills and away from this heartache my life is turning out to be. I wish my soul-mate wasn't on the other side of this messed up world. Sometimes I feel like I am trapped and there is no way to escape it. Like in those zombie movies where you're in a room with one door and the living dead are coming through that door. They're coming slowly, but there really is no way out. You're just going to get eaten alive and then even worse, turn into one of them. I think that I have been one of them for so long though. I have just been in denial of it.

I am in turmoil here. My life is seeming to be a tragedy. Hopefully a beautiful one, but never seeming like it. It's hard not knowing what's in store for me. I am always praying I'll get a glimpse of my future in my dreams, but that has yet to happen. I guess even if it did happen I would just think it's another one of my nonsensical dreams. Who knows, perhaps I've been shown hundreds of times glimpses of my future.

I thought it would be easier knowing God has someone for me, but things are just as hard as they were before I knew I wouldn't end up alone...eventually.

The kids don't stand a chance

You never realize how ignorant people are until it affects someone you love. It's no wonder people of other nationalities and countries hate "Americans". We really are ignorant. People in this country are so quick to judge people that commit crimes, have no home, or have addictions. It's like we're better than people who do these things. We're all for peace in the Middle East, but we have chaos at home. We try so hard to fix things in this world. Why aren't we trying to fix our own country? Where do these deep roots of hatred, ignorance, racism, and elitism come from? It seems easy for me to love criminals, but it's hard for me to love the people that hate criminals and judge criminals and talk so harshly towards them. Like they know anything about them besides the crime they committed!

Ugh. I don't want to talk about that. It only gets me upset.

Since I can't stop eating anything, ever. I have decided that I will only eat fruits and veggies for a bit. It's okay if I fill myself up on these. It's actually kind of refreshing knowing I'm only putting plants in my body. I had a major head ache yesterday probably from withdrawal of caffeine and chocolate. Mostly Chocolate. That's the only hard thing to abstain from. Chocolate. I also want to start a simple lifestyle, so this is my preparation for that as well. I want to spend less money. Eat less food. Be more active. Drive my car less. No entertainment spending. I feel like my diet now has to be affecting my life and my emotions and my sleep and probably the way I interact with my kids. I am praying this lifestyle change will do just that. Change my life. Forever!

In other news, there is no other news! I have no exciting things going on right now. It's a little disheartening, sure, but I don't always need exciting things going on in my life.

Oh! Here's some "other news". No Country For Old Men doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money

Money is the root of all evil. No joke!

I have certain things coming up I must pay for. You know, like my tabs have expired so I need $103.50 for them. Also, I need to pay my car insurance $76 before the 15th or my insurance is kaput... I don't know how this happened. Rent is due today. There goes $420. I am regretting moving into an apartment. I can't leave now. Why is it so hard for me to not eat out? It's one of the hardest things for me to give up! I must do it though. I must. I must also stop eating so much. It's hard for me to stop. I eat and eat and eat and now I'm getting fatter. I'm just going to say it. Don't throw me a pity party. I know i'm not a fat person, but I'm on my way! It's just hard for me to not eat sweets. I love them way too much! It's ridiculous. Lord, take away my sweet tooth please or give me incredible metabolism!

I think my love language that I use on others is gifts. I get so much joy out of making things for people. CDs, cards, paintings, books, journals, collages, even writing songs! It's what I love to do. Create for others.

Any day now I should hear from India whether or not I've been accepted into this school of theirs. I'm a little anxious. A little excited. A little nervous. It's nerve wracking waiting around to be told if you can go somewhere or not. Not that I couldn't go to India if I wasn't accepted. I just couldn't go to this school. A whole lot of other money issues arise when I start talking about this too, so I will stop now.

I'm deciding if I should wait for my sleepy headed roommate to wake up to eat breakfast or just eat it now alone. I hope she wakes up soon.

Pray for me. Everything. I feel like cutting myself off from people. I hate that feeling. I feel like running and never stopping. I love that feeling, but it's cold and snowy outside.

I'm a broken heart, I'm a broken heart, I'm a broken heart...

I feel somewhat left out suddenly today because everyone around me has graduated from college and I have yet to attend. They say all these big words and explain things in somewhat disheartening ways. Confusing ways. Ways that are not necessarily hard for me to understand, but hard for me to share my thoughts because I feel like they're not "big" enough or they're not "smart" enough or they don't make sense until I throw in words like "mutually inclusive" or "tumultuous" which I have no clue as to an understanding of these words/phrases.

Now, I know these thoughts are from the enemy, so I must rebuke them and I feel like it all comes back to my identity. I think I've been running from my true identity for so long that I forgot how to get back to where I started. Am I actually looking for the beginning or something I haven't found yet? For so long I've seen myself as damaged goods. What kind of life have I lived to think that about myself? I sometimes wonder why God puts certain people in my life because all they are is close-minded and they only make me feel small and like my opinions do not matter, and so because of this handful of people who make me feel this way I am not quick to share my thoughts and opinions on deep issues because I've only known pain to come out of those situations in the past. I wish my past didn't shape my future, but that is pretty much impossible to change. Let down, after let down, after let down make me not want to have any expectations set on relationships.

God is doing a mighty work within. He is revealing truth to our generation in mighty, awesome ways, and I am so excited to be apart of this movement and this fresh way of living life for Him in intentional, organic community. I am sad that my old friends haven't been apart of it. I am sad that my new friends aren't seeing the real me.

This morning a girl I had never seen or met before shared her struggle with depression. We laid hands on her and prayed for her and then after that all day I felt depressed! I am just now realizing that perhaps this is intercession. She told me she felt peace today. I am feeling so quiet and broken hearted...for no reason at all! If it's not intercession, I don't know what it is. It's one of those things where I don't know if Satan is attacking or God is very present in this. It could be both! It could be God. he is always present in my life! How do I know which one it is? Attack or intercession?

I Want the Whole Enchilada

House church. Why should we do it? How do we do it? What does it look like? When does it happen?

Satan is attacking my finances.
God is good. He is providing in amazing ways and fixing things quickly. Mostly God is encouraging. I need encouragement. He knows this because He knows me.
Thank you Lord for knowing me.

Last night was a Love Feast. It was great! I was able to just relax and know that my friends love and support me. Even though I feel like a balloon...which is ridiculous in and of itself...I felt like they don't even care what I look like.

Lord, help me stick to my work out regimen i have developed for myself. I long to live a healthier, more simple life.

Most of the time I am random, and most of the time I like it.

Can I just announce to all the world that I love Kimberly Joy Ajamiseba? Sheeriously. I wish she were here or I was there. One day I feel like we'll live in close proximity of each other. I hope my feeling is right.

I rejoice in this Divine Romance

Upon realization that two of my friends have started a relationship with each other that was not happening last weekend, but now is clearly going on, I have been thinking tonight a lot about my past relationships. How they never lasted very long because I was quick to jump into them. They were all about happy, euphoric feelings. Mostly feelings of acceptance. Finally someone, a guy, thought I was beautiful. Finally a guy thought I was amazing. Finally a guy wanted to spend time with me. Finally a guy wanted to say that I was his girlfriend. Boy, oh boy, I don't know how people can do that for long periods of time! I feel like I jumped into something with someone I didn't even know. Once I really got to know them, realizing this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I said good-bye and pretty much never talked to them again. Even though at first we had a wonderful friendship. A fun friendship. There is one of my past boyfriends I wish I talked to still and I wish I could hang out with still. He was a great guy. A fun guy. A musician guy. He was funny and I miss adventures with him. I miss being silly with him. I in no way want to date him again, I just wish our friendship wasn't ruined because of "feelings".

Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?

Cheer up sleepy Gene

There is this whole eating disorder culture that I never knew about. Girls these days are starving themselves! Why? This is single handedly one of the scariest and saddest things I've ever seen. My cousin is a part of this culture. She is starving herself as well, and no one is stopping her. I don't know if I have a right to say anything. I'm afraid she got it from me. Not that I have an eating disorder, but it seemed to have started after the last time I fasted. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything to her. I know what it's like to hate your body every single time you look in the mirror, but there should be people in her life that tell her she's beautiful. Right now she has people encouraging her in this. What the hell is wrong with our culture today that girls feel the need to by sickly thin? It's just ridiculous. I am finally coming to terms with being average. Which is perfect! Average means that most women today are my size. That's all that I need! I don't need to be super skinny, though the thought has crossed my mind. I just need to be healthy. Starving yourself is not healthy. I am sorry that you feel like this is the answer. I loved you before and I love you now. If you want to get in shape let's do it! Let's run every day. Let's eat healthy together! Let's pray for each other and encourage each other in our school work or jobs. With our families and friendships. I know your family seems to be falling apart. I am sorry. No child should have to go through what you've been through. Love your mother though. Forgive her. It'll be so much easier if you just forgive her and move on. She'll come to her senses one day. You are so worth it! So worth it.

Gravity's pulling me, but heaven is calling me

Here I am in bed again. Always, always writing from bed.
Here I am going to sleep way later than I should have. Always, always losing sleep.
Here I am regretting that last nourishment. Always, always wishing I didn't do that.


But, these things are all so tiny. So small. Almost insignificant. Sure, I'll pay for them tomorrow, but the next day I won't remember that I lost sleep, or feel it.

Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Look at the birds! Even they get fed, how much more valuable are you?!!?

I always struggle with that "V" word. Valuable.

God told me once that I was "valuable."

"VALUABLE"
- having qualities worthy of respect, admiration, or esteem
- of considerable use, service, or importance
- admired, appreciated, beneficial, cherished, dear, expensive, held dear, helpful, hot, important, in demand, inestimable, of value, precious, prized, relevant, respected, scarce, treasured, useful, and worthwile

Sometimes I don't believe those things about myself. Most of the time actually.
Sometimes I don't believe those things about other people. Only some of the time though.

Dear friends and family,

I believe you are valuable. You are cherished in my heart. I do hold you dear. You help me out of many sticky situations. I think all my friends are hot. You are some of the most important parts of my life. "Precious" is your middle name. Your words are relevant to my life and I respect you more than you know. I treasure your heart.

The Lord is all these things and more. I love Him more than you. I seek His words more than yours. I want to spend more time with Him. I must realize He is number one, not you. I'm sorry, but He must be more important than anyone else in my life.

I am no longer infatuated with you. I don't care what you think of my opinions. I am not jealous of those girls anymore. Go ahead, turn on the humor. Turn on the charm. I am not falling for it anymore. God is my Love. God is my Hope. God is my Faith. God is my infatuation. My obsession. My life. My time. My song. My heart.

You took a trip overseas...

I do believe God is speaking to me every single day in this wilderness. He has been listening to my cries for many years now and things are starting to happen. Answers are coming. Blessings are being poured out. Trials are happening. Temptations are rearing their ugly heads. All of it is pointing to God. He is the one who gives these things and He is my reason to stand up and fight for these things or against these things.

Should I go to India this Fall? My taxes say I'll be getting half the price of the school back in the next month in refunds. Bush says he wants to give every single individual $800 in a federal refund this year to help boost the economy. Or to help Sarah go to India!

Back in July of 2007 I wrote this: I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant?

Right now, in 2008 so far, I saw Jesus in a dream. I saw His face! The Lord is opening many doors for me. Doors for extra money. Baby-sitting, house-sitting, cooking, cleaning, tax rebates, all of this equals extra income for me. I have been hurting so bad the last two months for money. Things are starting to look up! Doors are opening musically again too. This has not happened for some time now.

in August of 2007 I wrote this: I am so sick of this country I'm singing for. But what can I do to change it...to pioneer in this country? I do not know and He's not telling me anything.

Psalm 16:11 - "You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."

I know He's got some tricks up His sleeve for me this year, and I am very excited! I actually look forward to going to India. It scares the crap out of me, but I'm actually excited! I don't think I would have been excited about India a year ago.

What I'm really trying to say here is God is good. All the time. No matter what. Even when life is bad. He will answer your prayers. Keep on praying. Never give up. He loves you more than your parents; more than your boyfriend; more than your wife; more than your SBF; more than your soul-mate.

I came here with a load, but it feels so much lighter since I met you...

Dear Provider,

How do I come across more money? Can I just get a job painting faces at kids' birthday parties once a week? What is a girl to do when she has 40 dollars to her name for the next 1.5 weeks...and I even got paid today. Sheesh. Life is tough. Good thing I'm not eating. That would make things a bit more complicated. Praise You water is free!

Thanks,
Sarah

Dear Creator,

I love my curly hair. I don't know if I've ever told You that before. Is there any way you could speed up the hair growing process? Like overnight would be awesome. I'm sorry I don't treat my body as the temple it is all the time. Help me to remember that daily and not dwell on comparisons. You made me this way and it's beautiful. I am beautiful. You have quite the imagination. No person looks exactly alike. No snow flake is the same as another. Each fingerprint is completely different. I could never do anything that You do.

Yours truly,
Sarah

Dear Father,

Thank you for tucking me in at night and keeping watch over me as I sleep. I feel a lot safer when I tell You to come near all day. I hopefully am less of a road rage crazo now that You're around more. I am sorry for throwing my pearls before swine all my life. I know that You have Your son-in-law picked out already. No worries. I love our nightly chats.

Love,
Sarah

Dear King,

I almost cried today watching those boys from Sudan move to the United States. No one was there to answer all their questions. Why didn't the camera operators help them out! They just watched them eat butter and moist towlettes because they didn't know what they were. Lame. There has to be more to this life than what I am doing at this very moment. Please use me to do something on this earth. My heart weeps for these refugees from Sudan. For the child soldiers of Sudan. For the Red Light District in India. There has to be more than this. So much more. I will not sit here in Minnesota until I'm an elderly woman and not have done anything for anyone who is suffering. I want to be used to bring hope and love and joy and answers and food and money to these people. There has to be more than this.

Your servant,
Sarah

If I stand real tall, maybe I won't feel so small...

Okay, since it's incredibly true, I'll write about how much I love Mandi.
She is the cheese to my macaroni.
She is the water to my thirst.
She is the cocoa to my hot chocolate.
She is the friend I've been praying for the entire time she's been gone.
I thank God for her every day. Especially now. I really wouldn't be able to go on without her.
I don't know how the future looks for both of us, but I do know that we'll always be involved in each other's lives.
I know that God is going to reveal HUGE things to her this year.
I know that God is going to drop His love on her this year.
I know that she is going to be a pioneer in this life.
God is her protector and wants her to know this.
God has blessed me with her in my life.
I really love the time we spend together and have only shared in her gladness and sorrow since she has returned.
I want to share all things with her.
I want her to be apart of my community obsession.
I want her to know that I want her apart of it.
She can invite Kevin too.
I have praised the Lord in her maturity and how much she has grown in the last 7 months.
It's amazing! I mean, she was getting there before she left, and now she is her own woman!
She is woman. Hear her roar for God's Kingdom is coming and she's ready to tell you about it!
The fire that is inside of her heart is inspiring and she does nothing but make me leave her presence more in love and passionate about Jesus.
And yes, Praying with her makes me truly, truly love her.
There's just something about prayer really.
Prayer is the most powerful thing.
Why do "christians" not do it enough!
Luke 18:1 says Jesus told [the disciples] a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.
1 Thessalonians 5:17 - pray without ceasing
Luke 5:16 - Jesus often withdrew to quiet places and prayed.
Psalm 102:17 - He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; He will not despise their plea.
Proverbs 15:8 - The lord detests the sacrifice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases Him.
Isaiah 56:7 - these I will bring to my holy mountain and give them joy in my house of prayer. Their burnt offerings and sacrifices will be accepted on my altar; for my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations.
And the list could go on forever and ever.
It says the word "pray" in the Bible 365 times. That's one a day!

In another some-what-related-cause-it-has-to-do-with-prayer incident...

I have been praying for months that somehow I would be able to see and touch Jesus. Then, I got a good idea to pray that I would dream about Him because we all know how dreams can seem so real, so i thought if I dreamt I saw Jesus and touched Him in my dream it would be like the real deal. I have also been praying for crazy dreams lately. Crazy, Holy dreams from God, and interestingly enough I've been getting some weird ones, but they have all involved Jesus in some way, or prayer. Either way they've all involved saying His name. This morning when I woke up I couldn't remember any of my dreams, so I thought "dang, that's too bad, nothing exciting today." then immediately I remembered one! I was somewhere with some people, but Eric Dykstra was there and he was teaching at some sort of retreat, and I had received a parking ticket, and wasn't in the best mood cause the concert i was supposed to play at was moved from outdoors to indoors. Suddenly Eric walks up to me and says, "Sarah, Jesus is here to meet with you, but not right now. You have to wait until the right time. You'll know when it is." So I say, "okay." Then, a few minutes later i'm sitting down with everyone listening to Eric talk and I get this weird feeling and Eric looks at me and says, "Okay, now's the time. He's in the woods. You have to go find Him." I leave the room and start walking around this very small forest. I am so nervous, but excited, but a little scared cause I know I'm going to see Jesus any second. Then, as I get to the edge of the trees I look down a hill and see Him standing under a tree. I start to walk down the hill, but then decide I should run cause I mean, it's Jesus! I run up to Him and jump up and wrap my arms around him and just hug him tight and say, "hi!" in an excited nervous, like he's my best friend that I haven't seen in a long time cause He went overseas for awhile. I just kept hugging Him. He wanted to show me something, but I told him that I just wanted to hug Him for now and He said that was okay and was smiling at me the whole time. It was incredible. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes. He was wearing a white robe with the blue sash you know? Kind of the stereotypical one, but He was different than that. It was so strange, but a good strange. I only hope to see Him again tonight. This was another, straight up, unquestionable answer to prayer. I'll have to write this down in my book for that!

Praise the Lord God almighty. He is all knowing, all seeing, and all powerful. He is love. He is incredible. He is terrifying. He is wonderful.