Honey, you are the sweetest thing I ever saw

Okay, so I'm not totally sure what just happened. I was set on applying for a School of Biblical Studies next Fall because my nanny job will not be continuing next Fall. Granted I can't be positive of that, but I'm assuming since the youngest will be starting Kindergarten next Fall. Well, my previous Kidstop Supervisor just had her third child and wants me to nanny for her 3 kids on Mondays since it's my day off, which I have agreed to, but then she asked if I'd be interested in being their full-time Nanny next fall. It'd be another 4 year old and a 1 year old. A little intense maybe, but I mean, if I get paid more than I am now I would love to take it. Maybe I am destined to be a nanny for the rest of my life. I just don't know. I was so determined to go to the SBS in Montana, and now this has come up. I could always go next year. Or in June of 2009. Man, that seems like forever away. I know it's pretty soon to be thinking about next September, but It would be nice to have something lined up. I guess I'd have to see how much they are willing to pay. LIke I said, if it's more than I'm making now I'd be down I think. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those decisions that no matter what I choose it'll all be okay and God will use either path to teach me a lot.

Secret Heart, what are you made of?

I hate being sick. I can't work out when I'm sick, and that means I feel like I'm fat. After just one day. Lame.

I hate being a girl. Why must I fall in "love" so easily? Just to be disappointed in the short run.

I hate not being able to breath out of my nose! I will die in my sleep tonight of asphyxiation! Wow, I just spelled "asphyxiation" correctly.

I love the Lord. I can't go a day without thinking about Him. That's a good sign.

I love music. I can't go a day without wanting to write a song or wanting to play the guitar. I just want to sing always and forever. Why can't some man just fall in love with that?

I love my dog. As annoying as she is. She is the only living thing I'm okay to cuddle with.

I love my family. They are incredible. And don't forget amazing.

I love jake. I only wish some man like him would fall in love with me. Some man who's passionate about Jesus and still a real person. Not overtaken by religiousness and hypocrisy. I love real men.

I love my soul-mate. She really is just that. I am praying she'd wake up a man so we could run away together and get married. Gross.

I love sleep. Even though I can't fall asleep very well as of late. I love having dreams. I love falling asleep wondering what wonderful visions God is going to give me at night. I've been praying for Godly dreams before I go to sleep and haven't had a nightmare in months! It's amazing. I've just been having incredibly weird dreams with cameos and weird situations I would never find myself in in real life. I love falling asleep not knowing what to expect. That's my favorite thing right now. It's just the actual falling asleep I need help with.

I wrote a song recently about my heart, and where the hell it went off to. I don't know. I still don't know. What is it so afraid of? Why can't I just guard it? Why is that so hard? Why can't I meet people and just see them as new friends, not potential life-mates. So ridiculous! And I want to start "dating" someone I've known for awhile??? Yet I fall in "love" with someone upon meeting them? I am so naive. So young. So ignorant. So foolish. So many adjectives to describe what I am.

Let's Pretend We're in Antarctica.

Oh Life, Why must you pass by so quickly? I finally scrape up enough money to pay my bills and before I know it one month has gone by and I have to pay them again. I wish to live so simply, but I cannot seem to give up all my stuff. In Luke 3:11 John says to his disciples, "the man who has two tunics is to share with him who has none; and he who has food is to do likewise." I really want to start living like that. I have more than enough clothes, shoes, food, even money if I think about it...even though it seems like I'm barely getting by at times. I make more money that a lot of people in this world. If I just take a step back and look at all the things I use and actually need it would be a pretty short list compared to the long list of things I use but do not necessarily need. There are so many things in this life I feel like I waste my time thinking about and worrying over. I have so much anxiety it's ridiculous. I do not remember a time when I didn't bite my fingernails. I'm convinced I have some sort of deep-rooted anxiety and nervousness that is the reason for a lot of things I feel are "wrong" with me. I need healing. Lots of it, and I don't really know how to go about starting it. How do I address all the things in my life I need to forgive and forget and move on finally? I cannot go it alone.

I have been so antsy lately. I have been looking at YWAM schools all day long online. I want to go somewhere and experience new things again. I want to meet new people. I want to fall farther in love with the man who created me. I want to be more confident in who I am and most importantly my intelligence. I feel so weak. I feel so small. I sometimes wonder if I've been wrong to not go to college. I feel like everyone my age is smarter than me. Using words I don't know and knowing things I should know. I know these have to be lies from Satan, or from my own brain. God would never tell me I'm not as good as other people my age and should go to school. In His eyes I am very good and He wants to use me somehow. I just wish I knew that "somehow". I wish I knew what it was He wants to use me for. I'd totally go to college if He gave me a passion for a career. I'd totally do 25 more YWAM courses if He told me to. I'd totally sell all my things and move to the South Pacific if He wanted me there. But I don't know what He wants for me. What does the Bible tell me He wants? That's what I must embark on. A new adventure, discovering mysteries my mind and heart have not come across yet. Stumbling upon ancient ruins and treasures so amazing.

The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.

All I want for Christmas...

It has come to my attention that I will never be able to stop myself from being amazed by a man. There will always be one man in my life that I am going to want a relationship with. Sure, I want to meet new guys all the time cause my future husband is still out there somewhere, but I almost don't want to meet anyone new because then I start the whole girl routine and can't stop thinking about them and even though I've seen them twice in my whole life I won't be able to stop talking about them! Ay carumba. I hate the way that I am sometimes. Especially when there's a man in my life who seems to be awesome right now, granted he is human and hopefully the more I get to know him the more I realize that. I must stop putting people up on these pedestals. I meet someone, I think they're not human, they let me down, and then I end up hating them. If I just go into the friendship knowing they're human just like me everything will be alright. I know this certain person is human, but at the moment it doesn't seem like he could hurt a fly. I should know by now and all the heart-ache I've gone through with boys in my past that this is not true. He could hurt someone. He could hurt me. He could do a lot of things just because he is human. I take comfort in the fact that he is in love with the same Man I am in love with, but that hasn't stopped me from doing horrible things. So, here I am, getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about him and it makes me almost chuckle at myself because I really am only doing this to myself. I don't know how to stop feelings from coming out of what I think is my heart. Maybe I'm just too trusting with everyone I meet. I really do want to be good friends with everyone. I don't think that's a crime. I just wish I could guard my heart better than I am. I wish I knew how to do that. As of right now I'm clueless. I am but a fool in this life. Hopefully I can become wise and turn into a woman some man wants to marry. I know it'll happen someday, but today is not that day. Tomorrow probably isn't that day either. I almost want to never hang out with men again! That way I can't get all flustered and stutter over my words and try to be something I'm not and laugh at things I really don't think are funny and do things I don't want to do. I could make a list of what I think the perfect guy for me would be like, but then God would just put someone in my path that is completely different than what I think is right.

O Lord, if only my mind would wander to thoughts of You.
Please guard my heart against evil things.
You should be my everything and my life-giver.
You alone are worthy of my thoughts and speech.
Lord, you have my heart and I want a glimpse of Yours.
Please put people in my life that'll give me reality checks.
Make me happy again.
Make me enjoy work again.
I want to love life and do things without timidness.
Please give me radical thinking.
Most of all I want to be a pioneer.
May the Lord do what is good in His sight.



Frost on my window
I'm in for the night
you've got a phone
keep me in mind
just give me a try

Get behind me Santa!

I love this time of year and I hate it just the same.
I love the music.
I love sleigh bells.
I love snow.
I love christmas trees.
I love food.
I love Jesus.

I hate snow.
I hate getting fatter.
I hate the cold.
I hate driving.
I hate feeling alone.
I hate money.

I hate living pay check to pay check. I cannot afford to drive to Colorado in 2 weeks! How the hell am I supposed to do that? I don't even want to go! A weekend spent driving is not a weekend at all.

What am I doing wrong with my life for it to be like this? I feel like I don't know what to do. I can't get "into" Jesus. I can't get "into" his words. I just can't do it! I want to. I try to. But for some reason I just can't. I can't even sing to him right now because I have a horrible cold. I almost want to sell everything I own and be homeless. Not until Summer of course, but I mean live exactly like Jesus did. Move from home to home. Staying for a little while each place. Not ever worrying about where my rent money will come from cause I won't have to pay it! To feel like a total failure isn't good for one's self-esteem. That's for sure. I'm not so sure I like this "moving out of the parent's house" crap. It's not all that it's cut out to be. I owe so much more money than I ever thought possible! And for some reason it all falls on the same day of the month. How incredibly lame. Well, no more complaining. I must praise in good times and bad.

Thank you for an apartment.
Thank you for a job.
Thank you for my wonderful family and friends.
Thank you for being $50 dollars short of my bills in the next 2 days.
Thank you for weeping.
Thank you for always being with me. Right here with me. All the time. No matter what.
Thank you for hard times.
Thank you for shady internet connections.
Thank you for understandings.
and thank you for humanity.
Being human is the hardest thing, but I cannot escape it.

Ten Cent Blues

Dear orthodox
I can't control my feelings
And who hit me? I just might be coming 'roung the bush
And my stilts, they began cracking, subsequently pushed

And I look to see that it was she
Just some abandoned little crook like me
Adieu, adieu and fair thee well
This was the ending plea


I was attached on bended knee
But I declined my lead

But who could blame a fraction of her being?
She is cheesy, she is scrawny with her uncanny styling
I'm teasing, she is pleasing
She just has no wit

And I'm sorry I don't have her face
And I'm probably going to lose this race
There is no doubt she's such a mouse with
Such an abstract grace


There is no cure, I am sure
For this ten cent blues

Then she chose to dissect me
And I was casted into poverty
But I did not agree with her
She said, "Now you've got nerve"

But I don't care if I'm granted for all these things
If I were one among this crowd
Would you call that defeat?

In a way it's making me crazy
In a sense that it's making me stronger
A likely chance and it's probably proven
In the end we'll all walk away

Shaking hands on the doormats, I salute you sir
A stranger end, a happy fit so glad I'm part of it and that I saw it al

Some days aren't yours at all.

I am finding life has it's twists and turns. Things you never even considered happening 3 weeks ago are in full force right now. People you didn't miss all that much suddenly become so important in your life. A little bit of snow makes you want to move to a warmer climate effective immediately. I tried writing a song last night. I don't know if it's right yet, but at least I'm writing again or at least trying to. I'm super tired today! Tuesdays have become the new Monday in my life. I can't stay up late Monday nights, but CSI:Miami is on at 9, so I have to.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life. Somewhere along the lines of I have only one life on this planet. Why be afraid of anything but God? Why get nervous? Why be shy? I mean really, I am almost 22 years old, I have approximately 65 years left on this planet. That's not a whole lot of time. I need to do something bigger than being a nanny and paying off my bills. I really would sell everything I own to move somewhere else and start over, but that's not what I'm supposed to do. When the time comes for something big, it's going to be a lot harder than that. I pray that it's what I love to do. Not that I won't love to do what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, but I pray that I love it right now and don't have to come to love it.

Golly, I don't even know if I'm making any sense here. Writing thoughts out always helps me get out what I'm thinking...since I don't really have anyone to tell my thoughts and dreams to right now.

Is it okay to want to strangle the children you baby-sit?

It's weird how something that most of the world does today happens in my life and it affects me so much. I hurt so much from these small things the world tells me are okay. I feel like most of the world is broken. Everyone I meet is human. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have a habit of putting people up on high things like nothing can touch them, not even me, then after something amazing yet horrible happens and I realize they are human. Just like me. How can something so horrible be what is wanted in this life? How can something so "small" and "ordinary" change my outlook on a person so much so that I don't care if I ever see them again or talk to them. Someone please come up and shake some sense into me. Grab my shoulders and shake as hard as you can. Please?

You are my sweetest downfall.

Wow. I can't believe I'm googling someone's name.

I met someone last night who wowed me. There aren't many people I meet these days that do that. I guess if I looked hard enough everyone I meet would wow me somehow, but this one was a caught-off-guard-wowing. I didn't even know this person was going to be there and bada-bing bada-boom. There they were. In all their human quirkyness. Oh how I love human quirkyness. I wish I could have stayed longer. I wish I could have had long conversations into the morning with said person. I'd like to hang out with them again, but it may seem odd. Odd for them of course.

Oh well, chances are I'll never see them again anyway. It sometimes sucks being the woman in all of this. I feel like I can't do any of the contacting and asking to hang out. It's like I have to just wait around for some man to want to get to know me. How lame is that? If you knew me, you'd know I can't wait for anything, let alone someone to come sweep me off my feet.

Jeepers.

Life is so complicated sometimes.

Poor little rich girl.

I found out about this awesome free concert at the Landmark Center every Thursday. It was on a kid's website, so I assumed kids would like it. I decided to take Ryley. It started at noon and it said to bring your own lunch to eat there. We went to Whole Foods and bought some bread and lunch meat for sandwiches then we went to the bank to get some cash for parking. Arriving at my apartment we made our sandwiches and packed our cookies and fruit for a nice, healthy lunch in downtown St. Paul.

We got to the Landmark Center about 25 minutes early, so we kinda walked around for a bit. I parked at a meter. I decided meters suck. They cost 1.75 for 1 hour and you can only put an hour in it at a time! If you put more in it does not matter. So incredibly lame. Like I was going to leave in the middle of the concert to put more money in the meter. So, we went back into the car for a few minutes to warm up and waste time before heading into the building. I put my keys in cup holder as I usually do, and before I knew it it was time to go inside! So we get out of the car and as most of you know we have to manually lock all the doors cause my key button does not work, so I locked and closed my door, then I reminded Ryley to lock her door before she closed it. She of course had forgotten until I reminded her and 45 seconds after closing the doors and walking towards the building I realized my keys were still in my cup holder inside my car. Now this is my first experience with locking my keys in my car. It has never happened in my 5 years of driving until this very moment. Fortunately I had my wallet with me and I am a AAA platinum member, so I called AAA and they said someone would be out in the next hour.

We went up to see the concert and as I walked into the room all I saw was a sea of grey. It was all elderly people who came to these concerts apparently. Ryley and I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was cool though. They had a three-piece ensemble today. A basoon, Oboe, and Flute. It was too loud for Ryley though and we left after the first song, plus I was really nervous we wouldn't be outside in time for the AAA guy. So, we went downstairs and outside to eat our lunch and wait for the phone call to say the tow truck was 5 minutes away.

As we're eating a man walks up to me and asks if I have any money for him. He said he hasn't eaten in 4 days. I am a bit reluctant to give him money because all I had was a 5 and a 10 I thought "if only I had a few ones I'd be quick to give" but I gave him my $5 and he said thank you and walked away. He said he was going to go to Chipotle, but walked in the other direction. So, as I'm sitting there wondering if I really should have done that Ryley says, "That guy was nice!" and I said, "yeah, i guess, he wasn't mean" and she said, "I can't believe he hasn't eaten in 4 days! That's so long." and then it hit me. She's 4 years old. She pretty much believes anything she sees or hears and it reminded me of having faith like a child. He said he hadn't eaten for 4 days, so I have to take his word for it. Ryley genuinely felt bad for him because she didn't know anything else. I want that. We're constantly surrounded by people who say not to give them money cause they'll just spend it on cigarettes or alcohol, but what about the people who are telling the truth when they say they haven't eaten for days or need a bus ticket? They get nothing because of the others who lie? That's so dumb. We get so angry because people make assumptions about a race or a religion or a country because a handful of people did something horrible, when in all actuality the majority is alright!

Okay, so major soapbox there.

Anyway, the AAA woman came a little after 1:00. Yes, I said woman. She unlocked my door in like 1 minute and was the most friendly person I've ever met! She told me a few pointers about my car and complimented my shoes and told me of some kind of like it I can buy at payless with a AAA discount! Who knew? Then she complimented me on the use of my e-brake. I liked that cause everyone makes fun of me for using it, but my dad told me to, and she said the same thing my dad did. "you don't use it ,you lose it" so here I am talking to this woman about nannying and cars. It was great. I reckon I should call AAA and give my regards.

So, pretty good day all in all. I wasn't even mad that I locked my keys in the car. it was a fun adventure!

Carbon Monoxide. Soon I'll go to sleep.

Okay, so I admit, I am more depressed than I think I have ever been in my life. There are few triggers of this. One that includes an asshole I cannot seem to forget no matter how hard I try. Life was good in New Zealand away from this person for 5 months. I was happy, but ever since I've been home this jerkwad has caused nothing but pain, low self-esteem, and heartache. Granted it wasn't all the SOB's fault. If I could practice self-control I would be okay right now, but I am not the confident woman I try to be. It seems as though I cannot become this confident woman I wish so hard for. I don't know the steps to take to get there at least. I always tell myself if I just read my Bible more often. If I just pray for other people more often. If I just stop eating so much. If I just start working out again on a regular basis. If I could just stop spending my money on useless crap. If, If, If, If, If, If, IF!!!

Another trigger of my depression is friends. I know my worth should not be based on how many friends I have, but damn, I don't have many anymore. You go overseas for awhile and make a bunch of new friends then come home and none of the other ones want to hang out anymore. Mostly because you only talk about the new ones, and mostly because you have changed a lot and your old friends don't so much like the new you, or at least that's what you think. I used to be involved. I used to be committed. Now I'm disconnected and apathetic for the most part. Don't think this is YWAM's fault. Don't blame them. They have been nothing short of amazing in my life. It is of course my fault. I lost my passion somewhere along the way. I seem to have misplaced my value. My integrity has gone missing. All because of me. There's no one to blame here but me for all of this.

Work is a bit stressful, but in no way is it depressing. I just feel worn out at the end of every week. Which is the way you should feel I guess when you have a full-time job. Especially one with children. It's like a taste of motherhood before I'm even dating anywone. It almost turns me off to the whole "I want 3 boys" dream I've always had. Though, I don't think anything could ever turn me off to the whole "I want to get married someday" dream.

Speaking of getting married. That is another depressing factor in my life. Everyone is getting married. Or has already gotten married. I used to be great friends with some of them. After people get married they change. Heck, before people get married they change. I hope that I'm one that doesn't change too much. I still will hopefully answer my phone after I get married. But no worries yet, I don't see that happening for maybe a decade. I'm what you call a "sister" figure to every boy I've ever loved. Or thought I loved. I talked to a nice guy today at a music store on Snelling. I bet as he was talking to me he thought to himself, "she reminds me of my sister." Perhaps I am such a sister-type person because that's all I've ever been. A sister. I used to hang out with the guys and thought nothing of it...up until I started liking guys, then it all went downhill. I'm the type of person who falls in like with someone so quickly. I don't know how it even happens. 2 minutes ago I didn't know you existed, now you're all I can think about. Have I been cursed? Someone lay hands on me and pray now!

I miss the intensity of intercession and worship in New Zealand. I'm glad The Edge is here every so often on Saturdays. I don't know what I'd do without that. Probably become an alcoholic and sleep around. I need to get into the swing of things again. I need to start up a new chapter in my life. I'm almost 22! I have to grow up sometime! Am i right? I need to have the faith of a child, but mature in my faith? How the hell does that even make sense? I mean seriously. God is confusing. All the time. Not just sometimes. All the time. I will never understand Him or know Him. Why even try you might ask, well, when I do try I am a better person. Not all the time. Only a little bit of the time really. Most of the time I hate my life and everything in it and I do really dumb things, but there's always that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll do something awesome for a stranger, or a friend, or a family member. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe tomorrow I'll change the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better. Maybe tomorrow God will speak to me. Then, one of these things does happen eventually and it makes the months of hard work all seem like nothing. You forget them alltogether and only focus on the Holy. The happy. The miracle. After a few days you might get back into a slump, but you never forget that one amazing moment and hope for another one and press on into the darkness that is life. I can't see where I'm going. I don't know what to expect. I do know though, that He is always with me. Jesus is here. Right now. I'm the one that leaves him behind. Well, I go behind while He sticks around just waiting for me to realize what I was doing before this thing distracted me. Lord, I'm sick of distractions. I wish they didn't exist, but thank you for them. Every single thing that makes life hard is not a mistake. It is what it is. Hard. It eventually moves on. Thank you for refining me more and more. Most of all, thank you for being powerful and creating all things; for allowing the hurt and sadness; for loving me always, through thick and thin. You are my all in all. This is true. I am weak now Lord, please be my strength. Only You can change me.

Go away from my window.

Feelings. Why must we have them? I hate them sometimes. I like them sometimes. Right now I hate them.

I had a dream two nights ago that was a little frightening. Do you ever have dreams where someone or something bad is after you and you suddenly cannot talk? As hard as you try to call for help or say anything you just can't get anything out. Like your throat stops working. I had another one of those dreams last night, but i was about to take a bath and suddenly heard someone say my name quietly, then all of a sudden this shadow jumped out at me and said my name again and I tried to say "Jesus Christ" over and over but could not get it out.

On a lighter note...the band I am in played a show on Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday's show was awesome! It was at the neighbor's house of my nanny family. They had a huge end of Summer luau and there were a ton of people there and they loved us! It was our first paying gig. Hopefully not our last. Then, Sunday we played at the Underground Music Cafe. It was their 2 year anniversary and their last one ever. It was sad they're done cause that's pretty much the only place we play since Segue closed. Now we have nothing. Nowhere. Sunday's show wasn't as amazing cause we were all pretty tired and somewhat lethargic. Plus we were nervous for some strange reason. I attributed it all to the fact that we did not pray before we played.
I need more prayer in my life. Lots more.

I am trying to be like those confident women. You know the ones who you never hear utter a word about men. They always talk about God, their families, or work. Just life in general, but they never include the topic of "men". I am going to try to eliminate "men" from my vocabulary. I want to be one of those confident women. Ones who don't care so much how others, especially men, perceive them.

I'm finding myself wanting to become inredibly passionate about Christ, but lacking the motivation to do so.

I Don't Want to Waste Your Time

I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need
Why should I autograph the book
That you won’t even read
I’ve got a different scar for every song
And blood left still to bleed
But I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around
I love to laugh but I’m more than just
Your alcoholic clown
I won’t pray this prayer with you
Unless we both kneel down
I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around

Come on lighten up
Let me fill your cup
I’m just trying to imagine a situation
Where we might have a real conversation

But I don’t wanna waste the words
That you don’t seem to need
When it comes to wanting what’s real
There’s no such thing as greed
I hope this night puts down deep roots
I hope we plant a seed
‘Cause I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

The Devil's in the details

I feel like I am slowly, very slowly, drifting. Drifting on a sea of nothing and nowhere. I want to go somewhere. I want to do something.

I went on a blind date last weekend. Ha! I guess it's just one of those things you've always wanted to do until you actually do it, then you never want to do it again. Funny story I can tell later on in life. Those are always good to have. You can never have too many humorous moments in life. I feel like I don't have enough!

Over the Rhine released a new album yesterday. It is amazing. I don't know what I would do without them in my life. All thanks to a good old friend a long time ago I have a forever favorite band. I only pray I can end up like Karen and her husband. The two sole members of Over the Rhine. A man and his wife in love doing what they love...and they're damn good at it!

I'm ready for a vacation even though I haven't done anything to deserve one. I sure feel like I need one though.

I want to feel close to Him again. I remember feeling like I was dancing with Him once. That was amazing. I'm not much of a dancer...especially a slow dancer, but if it's with Him. Heck, I'd try the waltz! The tango! Whatever, as long as it's with Him. I am jealous of friends who are doing something with their lives in other places in the world. I would be fine with living here if I was doing something that mattered. I suppose even the small things do matter, but I don't feel like I'm even trying. Not that I must do good works in order for my eternity to be spent in paradise, but I should want to do great things becaues I love Him. Why don't I want to do good things enough to actually try? Maybe if I weren't an American. Speaking of which I have to sing the one song I hate singing, the National Anthem, soon at a soccer game. My dream has come true and I am so sick of this country I'm singing for. But what can I do to change it...to pioneer in this country? I do not know and He's not telling me anything.

Is it any surprise that you feel so overrun?

Oh how I am so excited to fly 2.5 hours East this evening.
Oh how I am so excited to see my Spaceman once again.
Oh how I am so excited to get away from this place I call "home".
Oh how I am going to miss my family.
Oh how I am so confused by one person in this life. Only one.
Make that two. Two people in this life confuse me.
Three if you want to get technical.
Four actually if you want to get super technical.
But three of them are the same person, so it's back to two.
Two people in this life confuse me.

Here I am sitting in Dunn Bros. on Grand Ave. I just ran into my CBB. What an odd coincedence! I am drinking the ever-so-lovely Iced Coffee with two packets of Splenda. It's my signature drink of choice at the moment. Cold Press, Iced Coffee, or Iced Americano. Depending upon which coffee shop I choose to go to.

I splurged a little bit yesterday. Not as much as I could have, but more than I should have.

I haven't been reading anything lately. I was going to bring a book to read on the plane, but forgot, and now all I have is a stupid worldly magazine I can look at while listening to music. What music will I listen to on the plane? I don't know yet. I have a feeling it'll be sappy. Probably Over the Rhine. They seem to be my flight music of choice. I could potentially warm up to my new Ben Folds Live album I recently purchased but never listen to, but I rather prefer the familiar to the foreign when it comes to uncomfortable things like flying. I hate flying.

Since I'm in St. Paul. I might have to get Cafe Latte for lunch! I love that place. Or perhaps Bread and Chocolate...since I've never been and have always wanted to go.

man, my computer is dusty.

I hope Idaho doesn't get lost on his way to Super Target.

Well, that's all for now I suppose. I'm going to check some more things on here...like what the weather will be like when I arrive in Connecticut tonight. Pray that it's beautiful tomorrow because it's going to be my final day on this earth. I'd like to die on a beautiful day. At least I'll go out with The Spaceman at my side and there will most likely be a great news headline, "Woman dies in gruesome Hellovator ride disastor at Six Flags theme park."

Welp, wish me luck, I bid you all a'dou, farewell, and stay classy Minneapolis/St. Paul!

I'm so depressed I can't even eat.

Oh Lord my God, if I have done this,
if there is wrong in my hands,
if I have repaid my friend with evil
or plundered my enemy without cause,
let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it,
and let him trample my life to the ground
and lay my glory in the dust.

Psalm 7:3-5

Take this sinking boat and point it home you've still got time...

I am so ridiculous. I do not have a crush on you. Silly boy. Why must I do this to myself over and over, time and time again. Set myself up for disappointments. It's the story of my life that's for sure. I always start being interested because I think they might possibly like me. It really is exciting until they don't do anything about it so then I think I'm not good enough when I'm totally good enough. It's probably them that's not good enough for me. I mean I know for a fact this one would be not so great of an idea to get romantically involved with, but I'm a girl and anyone who pays any attention to me is automatically put on the long list of boys I have had crushes on. Ahhh, how pathetic I truly am. I truly am pathetic I'll have you know. I bite my fingernails. I don't like touching people. My hands must always be clean. I have to sleep with the window shade open. I really don't know what to say around you, but I will tell you my entire history with men if you ask. I'll share my problems and my struggles and my favorites. It's weird ya know? I won't just volunteer information, but if you only ask I'll tell you everything. Too much even. I'm weird like that. Always have been. So I guess what I'm trying to say is just ask me questions. I'll talk. Now it's sounding as if I want you to have a crush on me. I know that won't happen so why get my hopes up...besides you're no good for me, or I'm no good for you. Either way we wouldn't work. It'd be awkward. That's for sure. I mean it would be amazing at first. It always is. It would be awkward when it stops working and we're no longer happy. Then we'll have to see each other all the time and well, it just wouldn't work. I'll just keep telling myself that until it sinks in and I no longer feel the need to impress you.

Why should I write about new dresses and things. Things, things, things. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Food, food, food. Drink, drink, drink. I am all the things I'm not supposed to be. Though I can't help it because I am a human being. There's no way I'll never struggle with everything I am struggling with now, yet for some reason that doesn't keep me from trying. I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant? How about taking off some of this excess weight? That would be awesome. Also, could you please change my brother's heart? Could you speak to him also? Could you make him uncomfortable so he looks for you? May you please put hope in the hearts of my close friends? Peace as well? Will you give me songs to sing? New ones? Beautiful ones? Will you please bless my parents? Take away their anxieties and worries? Give them peace?

I wish that I could live life without doubts, fears, confusion, sadness, but would life really be any fun then? Probably not. No surprises. No ups and downs. It's the downs that make the ups so damn perfect! Nothing in this life would seem perfect if there wasn't hell before it. I guess I am thankful for all the mess of this world because it makes the good seem better and the imperfect, perfect. There wouldn't be any good news if there were no bad news.

I hope that I loved you more today than yesterday, and not as much as I'm going to love you tomorrow.

The last time I saw Jesus I was drinking bloody marys in the South.

Dear Lord Jesus, God Almighty! Why must I be this way? How is it I am so quiet and soft-spoken around him but as soon as he leaves I can call a different guy and talk to him a mile a minute and tell him all the things I wanted to say to the first guy but didn't cause I'm such a RETARD and so is the first guy because he didn't bring it up! Aghh. All I want is to be noble. I am so far from that. All I want is to be valiant. I am so far from that. I just want to say it like it is! I want to speak my feelings. Speak my mind. I don't want to hesitate anymore. I feel like I'm quenching the Spirit. There's a reason I should speak up. There's a reason we shouldn't be doing this, but I'm not going to say anything cause I'm a pansy and incredibly foolish! I don't want to be a fool anymore. I want to be a fool for Christ, but not just a fool. I don't want to fall in love with every boy I meet. I don't want to eat all the food I see. I don't want to stay up past a reasonable bed time cause I'm blogging. Just before bed time is the WORST time to blog anyway, all my emotions run wild and don't care who shows its ugly head and when. A lot of self-pity, self-doubt, shame, and self-hate comes out of rants and raves like these at 10:52 PM.

I am officially done with these pity party blogs. I am not a child anymore. I am an adult. I am a woman. I am valuable. I am precious. I am valiant. I am noble. I am wise. I am scandalous. I am creative. I am intelligent. Yes, even I am beautiful. Radiant. Captivating. Sharp. Bright. Totally awesome. Witty. Compassionate. Peaceful. Soothing. Encouraging. I am not my own. I do not belong to me. I belong to Jesus. I belong to the man who created me and loves me perfectly. The Man who never leaves my side...no matter what I do to push him away. He doesn't even budge! Why do I feel like I need a human when I can have God? When I have God? God has me. I am His and His alone. It always comes back to that.

Thanks for reminding me!

xoxo

You're an ache I've learned to crave

I can't help but feel like this is all my fault. I know that you can't help it. You can't control it. I am running past stop signs in my mind every moment but I just ignore them like they're useless. Since when is a stop sign useless? This sort of thing doesn't happen when I'm not around, so why should you feel like it's all your fault? If I was never there we wouldn't have this problem would we? It's not so much a problem anymore as a habit. A habit one should not have in common with their close friends. I am so very sorry for everything. I never meant to make you feel this way. I never wanted you to feel like you pissed off the Creator of our everything. He is slow to anger after all. He's not so much pissed off as dissapointed. At both of us. Not just you. You may feel like it's more on you because of what happened over a year ago, but you should not feel anything for that anymore. I mean sure you might have crushed my entire being, but I feel like I'm slowly ripping pieces of you apart. This is in no way how I should be acting. It isn't lady-like first of all, and secondly it isn't how I was created. Sure the desires in and of themselves are of God, but the actions are not. I am so sorry I have been listening to the enemy. I have been feeding evil in my life that you do not know and it has slowly over time lead to this sick, twisted thing we have. I don't want to have this kind of bond with you. We must build eachother up not break eachother down. I want our friendship to be holy and an offering of worship to our loving Father. He created us for relationships. Good, healthy, loving, beautiful relationships. Please forgive me for giving into my humanness and selfish desires. I pray it never happens again. I pray that we get maturity out of this. I pray that our eyes are opened to what friendship is supposed to look like. I pray that you grow and change in Him alone and that no one would cause you to fall as far as I have ever again. I truly do love you. You are my brother and I must treat you as exactly that. One should protect her brother and look out for him, not cause him pain and self-doubt. For these things I am sorry and I pray that you forgive me. I pray that I can forgive myself. I am thankful our Father has already forgiven us.

What more can I say?

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. -Ephesians 5:3-

Well, damn.

Basically I Cannot Live Without You

That's the title of my newest song. Written today...

whenever I reach out to hold your hand
it always finds itself lonely
whenever I try to see your face
I have to imagine what I see

Whenever you try to speak to me
I can barely hear your voice
whenever you try to give me hope
anything else seems to be my choice

You are the only thing that makes me breathe
You are the reason for everything inside of me
You are the only way I make sense
It's about time I held you in my arms

Whenever I want you you're always there
just waiting for me to call your name
Whenever I need you you're one step ahead of me
I don't ever need to feel ashamed

I'm the only one who pushes you away
you'll make me stronger every single day
and when I mess up like I always do
you'll stay beside me like you always do

...

I read a bunch of my old online journals today. Man, what a pathetic teeny bopper I was! I always thought I was better than those girls who fawned after boys night and day. I have a very long list of unrequited lovers. It seems to be my curse, but looking back on that I feel I have grown. A lot. I no longer feel a need for a man in my life. Not that I don't want one, but it's not a pressing issue. I am not interested in anyone, and no one is interested in me, and I am 100% okay with that. I'm trying to be content with Jesus and only Jesus in my life. Sure I love my friends and family, but I feel like my priorities are out of whack. I am not focused on what is true, right, and pure. I am focused on lies, wrongs, and flawed things. Money, food, clothes, feelings. Even feelings are my worst enemy most of the time. Feelings have a way of controlling me. I guess it's the curse that comes with being a musician. The cross I must take up is for me alone. Jesus and me. Well, he's already carried my cross and died on it. That was my cross Jesus, how could you? I deserved to be hung on that cross, not You. You did not have to go and do that. But you did, and for that I can never repay you. I can only try my hardest to glorify You in all areas of my fallible life. Dear Lord, help me to realize the opportunities you are giving me to practice self-control and patience. You are totally amazing and wonderful. I almost can't believe that you can fit the entire universe in the breadth of your hand and you also reside in my tiny room with me right now and actually love me. More perfectly than anyone on this earth can or will.

If you want me, satisfy me.

Well hello...It is Saturday night and I just got done delivering pizzas. I worked 3 hours and it was pretty slow. My only hope is that next weekend will produce more tips for me. If not I am quitting the pizza business. It seems to not be as amazing as I pictured it in my mind. I saw myself driving around MG listening to rockin' music and pulling up at people's homes with pizzas in hand. Greeting them with a smile, taking their money, and giving them their steamy, oven-fresh pizzas, smiles all around! Unfortunately it's a bit not that great. I don't much enjoy wearing a uniform. Especially one we have to tuck our shirts into and wear a hat. I am not a hat person...baseball hat that is. Give me a beanie and you will immediately feel the need to ask me out. I'm that hot.

I got my hair cut and colored today. It's been awhile...practically never since I've gotten it done really totally awesome. This is the best my hair has ever looked in my opinion. I basically went to the hair salon ( Bleach in St. Paul ) and told the guy to do whatever he wanted with my head. Those pictures up there are his work of art. I like to call them "Sarah at her best" or "Narce-assist". Ha cha cha cha.

I am going to eat dinner at Galooney's in Uptown this evening and see Once again. I friggen love that movie. It's so perfect because it doesn't have that "happily ever after" ending, and though the meet-cute seems to be in an unrealistic way, I still love it none the less cause One: it's filmed in Ireland and Two: one of the main characters is Czech. Part of my heart belongs to Czech people. Gypsies to be more specific. Gypsies in the Czech Republic.

It doesn't even feel like a weekend to me because I had to work today and I have to work again tomorrow. Fortunately I have Mondays off. PTL for Mondays. Most people hate Mondays...I love them! Just for the Summer though. Too bad the school district can't enforce a three-day weekend policy every weekend!

"We see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels...crowned with glory and honor."

Yes, I now have 4 places I could post blogs...

but this one is good cause it's what Mandi has, and I can leave her comments and all that jazz.

Let's see here. I am going to be more open and honest in this one, since it's basically known by few people. The few people I can share my heart with and be brutally honest. Ahhh. I love those kind of people. Nothing much to say in this first one. I will say though that I am excited for this Summer to be over with. Sad, I know. It pretty much just started, but I wanted to go out to eat with someone tonight and couldn't think of a single person to call. I thought Mandi is gone, Elisha is gone for the weekend, Kim is in Hawaii, and that's pretty much all I wanted to come with, so I ate alone...which ended up being better for me anyway. I brought along Not Even A Hint by Joshua Harris. It's speaking to my soul! I like it already and I'm just finishing chapter two. God is already revealing things to me I never knew before. In case ya'll didn't know it's a book Kimberly strategically "forgot" at my house. Whether she actually forgot it or not I'll never know, but it's just what the Doctor, a.k.a. Jesus, ordered. It's about lust and how there shouldn't even be a hint of sexual immorality in our lives. God said we shouldn't just not commit adultery or sex outside of marriage, we shouldn't even have a hint of sexual immorality, a.k.a lust, fooling around, making out, watching porn, etc. Also, it had a list of what lust is NOT which really opened my eyes. I figured wanting to make out with someone was lust, but in all actuality the desire for sex is not lust, it's lust if you fantasize about it or dwell on that thought. The desire is actually from God. He put those desires in us. It was good to read that.

I think I'm going to go to Dairy Queen now and get one of those new waffle treats. I shouldn't, but I tried the other day and was denied because the person in front of me ordered the last damn waffle bowl. Ah well. I'll try again tonight and then go home and go to bed. Yes, It's 7:30 and I'm thinking of bed already. Score one for me!

Tomorrow night there is going to be a hootenanny at Dave Wayne's house. I am so excited. I've always longed to live in the 60's and now it'll be like I am, for one night. Well, maybe my second night of living in the 60's...my first being the night of Sir Paul McCartney's concert in St. Paul. Now that was the greatest blessing from God EVER! Until I get married that is.

Good bye and good night all who read this and may the Lord do what is good in His sight in your life and mine.