Foolish Love

The Ugly Truth, huh? You want the ugly truth? I think I'm leading on a man who has no chance with me. Well, maybe a slight chance, but I always come back to the same conclusion: not gonna happen. Sure he cut his hair. Sure maybe he'll look gorgeous like usual, even more so because of his hair. I don't know yet. I won't skype until I wake up in the morning. I'll still have sleep in my eyes and he'll have had all day to look good. It will be an uneven match which I am okay with because I don't need him falling more in love with me. I need him to forget about me. I need those little versions of himself in his brain to shred all memories with me so that he is not hurt. I don't like the idea of causing him pain, and I don't like the idea of sharing the ugly truth with someone else. Maybe Emily was right, I just need to jump off of this ledge I have been standing on since my second day in India. If not soon, then I'll never jump and why not jump? I have but one life to live. I don't want to live it as a coward. I want to drink it, smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, sleep it, breathe it. I do think it's too soon to jump off this ledge. We'll just have to play by ear and see how this phone conversation goes tomorrow.

Why must being human be so complex?

I am not my own, for I have been made knew

Couldn't I just give away all "my" possessions? Couldn't I just walk everywhere and sleep anywhere? Do I really need money to live in this country? Am I really expected to give money to every Man I come across? There is more than one, oh yes. There are a lot of Men. I want to share with the world that "The Man" has brothers, partners if you will, in his crime of bringing people down. I don't want to owe anything to anyone. That's my ultimate goal. I kind of want to just wander around the world with nothing to my name. I don't even need a name. I could fake my death and start over somewhere else as my real self. The girl no one has ever seen or known, except the One being who created me and knows me through and through. I think I need human beings to be satisfied, but I don't. I know I am created as a relational creature, however the thought of being relational with anyone right now makes me shudder. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but right now Most People is on my last nerve. I have to go to work tomorrow and see Most People. I have to come home and see Most People. I have to wake up and see Most People. Everywhere I go Most People is following me.

Release me from this inward focus. Teach me to be content in every situation as Paul was. I need to eat of the fruit and mostly I need to give out the fruit. But right now everything has gone horribly askew and even my feet have fallen asleep. Can anything go right today? Anything? Bueller? Bueller?

Something is not right with me

I need you to invade every known and unknown aspect of my life. I do not even want to be able to breathe without thinking of you. I am asking that you speed up time when I cannot be with you completely so that you come quicker to my mind and my heart. And that you slow down time when I am engaged in you so that you dwell in my mind and my heart longer. Tomorrow it begins. If I write it down for some to see, I have to do it. I want to do it. Everything I am is yours. After all, you created me.