All I want is to be your housewife

An old friend is in town. I missed him. I love him. He is a great friend. One of few I always feel I can count on no matter where he and I live.

I feel incredibly overlooked by few people in my life, but the most important people in my life.

I also realized, which is somewhat related, that my friends that I have grown so close to within the last year are perhaps drifting away. It is partially my fault, but upon a few moving in two doors down from the others I feel as if I am not apart of what I once was. Of course they are going to be closer and more apt to talk to someone two doors down than wait for someone to drive 15-20 minutes there or vice versa. Why drive when you can walk? I know that they aren't doing anything purposefully. They just probably haven't even thought how it might push someone away or hurt them. At the beginning of this we were all warned about getting hurt, cause we would eventually get hurt by someone or some people in this group, I just didn't expect it before I left or at all. I think everyone is perfect until they prove me otherwise. It's a hard life to live. For realz.

I once fell in love with you just because the sky turned from grey into blue

I am stressed. Stressed, stressed, stressed. I am on the shortest fuse. I hate my life. I am so dramatic and emotional right now. I hate this. It's all my choice too. I had a good weekend alone at the cabin. God told me great things. Why can't I keep those at the front of my mind back in the working world? Money is stressful even though I have an over-abundance of it right now. Besides that though, checks aren't coming in and I need a farewell show soon. Anybody got a venue?

Reading is the only thing that calms me, reading and sleep, that is if I can manage to fall asleep. Lately I've been up all night worrying about things and then when I do fall asleep I dream about them and it worries me even more. Golly. Can't someone just clean out my mind? Just take a rag and wipe out everything. Everything must go! Use bleach if you have to. I just don't want to think about anything anymore.

Isn't My heart stretched out towards you to bless you? Didn't I say that I would shelter and protect you and be your strongest support? Give Me your entire being. I am your loving Father. I know your every need even before you need it. My provisions are not only sure, but full and overflowing, so that you may confess like the Psalmist, "I shall never want." You will see with a vision denied to many, for your heart is pure, and to the pure of heart is given the promise that they shall see God. How much more glorious than to behold the beauty of a thousand sunsets! How much more thrilling than the sight of the fairest faces ever to grace this earth!

I shall reveal Myself to you and you will know Me face to face, as Moses did. You will walk with Me and talk with Me and I will hold your hand and will be like a brother, like a friend. I will never leave you, and in the darkness I will be a light to you. In joy I will be an added comfort and in sorrow I will be the peace that surpasses understanding.

Don't look to man to tell you more about Me. Look to Me directly, for I will reveal Myself to you in a personal way and ways of which no other person could tell you. I will be as personal and dear to you as I was to John, the Beloved. I will take you aside as I did Peter and talk to you about things that concern you alone. I am not the God of congregations, but of the individual, and I am as concerned for you as I was for Abraham, Joseph, or David.

You are never one of many to Me. You are precious and dear to my heart like a special treasure. For I love you more than you can comprehend, and I long to gather you in My embrace and hold you close to My heart. Do not hold Me at arms length because you have a sense of unworthiness. Have you not read that the redeemed are brought near by the blood of Christ? Your sins are not covered, they are wiped away completely! They are not only forgiven, but forgotten!

Be as the prodigal embraced by his father. Though he would have resisted for a moment, he swiftly accepted his father's forgiveness and reciprocated his love and affection.

I, too, would bring you into My house and spread for you a feast of blessings, and place upon you the garment of praise, the ring of relationship, and the sandals of peace. Come, for all things are prepared for you and nothing will be denied.

Golly, I love this book. It always speaks to me. God always speaks to me through it. It's refreshing and humbling. It makes me want to lay and spend the day in bed with Him. In His embrace and listening to His heart beat. I wish I could actually do that. Lord, let me see your face like Moses did.

I have 3 days left of work and that seems too long for me. I never want to be a nanny again. I don't know how people can do this for years. I don't think I can do anything for years. I always need to change things up. I could never be stuck in a job for more than 5 years. I have to travel and experience new things. I have to go, go, go. Someday I'll be asked to stay, but today isn't that day.

Pray for Northern India. They had major monsoon flooding today. A million people are trapped.

The enemy has been defeated, death couldn't hold You down

Going to the cabin alone was the most brilliant idea I've had in years! God spoke to me, he held me, he loved me, He even inspired a new song in me once again. I love when He shows you verses and parts of books that are completely relevant to what is going on in your life. I hope my final week of work reflects my time alone with my Love. I couldn't wipe the silly grin off my face last night.

I know you don't know what life is really worth

I am quickly losing heart for my children. This job is so hard most of the time. I am counting down the hours until my day is done, counting down the days until the week is done, and counting down the weeks until I am done here. I have one week left of this difficult job. I think I make it more difficult than it really is. I mean, how hard is it to hang out with three young kids all day? How about you come and take one of these days for me and you will have your eyes opened to the hell that is my job. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Today I realized that maybe I don't actually love them as much as I thought I did. The past year they have worn down my love, my mind, my heart, my stamina, everything within me has been affected. I think even the way I view God and my friends and family has been changed. It's so hard to know my outlook on people has changed because of these three kids, but really it's not their faults at all! It's the way I have chosen to handle them and their issues. I choose to be crabby. I choose to yell. I choose to punish. I choose to be lazy. I feel like "what does it matter to change anything now? I have 5 days left." But it does matter, and I do need to change something. Even as I type this they are fighting. Ay carumba. I just want to put them all in their bedrooms, close the door, and never let them out. They can't fight if they don't get to see each other. Then, maybe tomorrow, when they get to come out and see each other after a day of solitude, maybe they will be happy to see each other and show love to each other. It's hard to love kids that don't love each other.

I have been feeling like because I want to partake in fleshly desires and because I don't love my children that God isn't going to provide for me to go to India. I don't know why I'm thinking this way. I know that He doesn't give according to what you deserve. I mean that's what grace is all about. I have a tainted view of God and his reasons for doing things. He doesn't really need a reason. I can't wrap my mind around that.

I almost cried yesterday. I almost cried two days ago as well. I am so sensitive. I hide it most of the time and keep it all inside me. If someone does something that offends me or hurts my little feelings I don't ever say anything. I have been keeping a lot of these inside for a long time now, and I think they're trying to get out. This weekend is going to be much needed.

Tomorrow night I am driving to my cabin. Alone. I will stay there through Sunday. I am going to spend all that time alone with God. I have never done this before and I am so excited! I just want this week to be over with so I can get up there and weep, sing, love, pray, confess, repent, cry out, you get the idea. So, if you think about me at all this weekend, pray that I get some answers. Answers to what? I am not even sure yet, but I want to come home with a glowing face, like Moses. Wouldn't that be sweet?

I really would like to bless the family I have worked with for the last year and three months. I don't know how I am going to do that. I know how I can bless the kids next week. I was thinking of taking them to the Minnesota Zoo or the Science museum or something. But, as for the parents, I am not sure. I was going to make them a mix CD of love songs, but that seems stupid. I'd like to watch the kids sometime to let them go out some night and have a nice dinner.

I leave in 45 days to go to the most foreign place I will ever encounter. India scares me. It is an intimidating country. 1 billion people live there! 1 billion! People! Cows fill the streets along with Lamborghinis and prostitutes. Lord, what are you doing with my life?

Purlpe Haze, Galang galang galanga

I love my soul-mate. She is so amazing, beautiful, witty, and fun. Oh manzo. I love the city of New Orleans. I feel like I could live here and ride my bike around everywhere I needed to go. I'd be a sweaty pig all the time, but it would be worth it! I could be so cute and strong and I feel like my music would flourish in a place like this. This place is full of music everywhere you go. I feel like I love life more here. Mostly cause I'm with my soul-mate.

I think Australia and New Zealand are stuck in a time in the past. Not too far in the past, but just maybe 6 months or a year in the past.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Today is my rainbow. Tomorrow I will be over the rainbow and in New Orleans! I hope that when I return from the South I will be well rested and my heart will have been softened. I want my final seven days with my kids to count! I want to have fun and show them love.

I hate the world's view of how our lives should play out. We go to school, High School, College/University, get a career, retire, and live the last few years of our lives doing what we want finally. What's so wrong with doing that backwards? Why is it inconceivable to not go to College? Why is it so unfathomable to not have a "plan" or a career path? I am not worried about my life and where it's going. Why should I be? Because you tell me to? This society; our culture is stuck. Stuck in the mindset of our parents, the baby boomers. I am perfectly okay with going against the grain.

I have one day with these kids this week, today, and I'm ready to go home. It's only noon. I still have about five more hours with them and I've already had four. Lordy, Lord, please make today go by fast.

Michael Phelps is ridiculous. He is one year older than me and has already won like 8 gold medals. They showed a typical day in the life of Michael the other day and he wakes up then swims for at least five hours, eats, sleeps, wakes up, swims. He has to eat between 8,000 and 10,000 calories a day! Michael Phelps is ridiculous. I want to be like him.

I can't help but dislike disney stars. They get everything handed to them on a silver platter, but they always turn into D-bags. I had a dream the other night that I was one of the Cheetah Girls and we were doing a tour with the Jonas Brothers. One of the Cheetah Girls hated me, I don't know why, but I remember trying to act cool around the Jonas Brothers, not because I liked them, but because I wanted them to like me. Oh man. I'm such a dork even in my dreams!

I don't care what you think about love

I am such a dork. I have decided not to even bother. I am not going to try. I don't care what you think, I'll just sit here. Sometimes I hate my life and the way I think and act and talk. Ha ha. I pretty much hate myself most of the time. Right now I just find myself hilarious. I put my whole being into things when I should only be giving small parts of me to certain things. It's like an all or nothing deal with my head, heart, and life. More often than not it's "all". Ay Carumba. I just want to write new songs. I guess I haven't sat down to try for awhile, but I hate writing them always about me or writing them always about boys I have crushes on for like 3 weeks. They're pointless.

Today no plans have been made. I think I'll go buy some guitar strings, maybe go swimming, and just chill out. Clean the living room. Hopefully eat something.

Will you feel better, better, better? Will you feel anything at all?

Life is the funniest thing. I mean you meet people that you had some sort of relationship with them or their family years and years ago. A lot of old flames have ignited these past two weeks. New flames too, but the new ones were quickly blown out. The old ones however, are going strong. My heart breaks for people who break up and who truly loved one another. My heart does not break for people who break up and who were manipulative and dis-respectful to their partner's family.

A lot of thoughts are running through my mind today. I have nothing to do so far, so my brain is running on crazy. I cannot stop it! What can I do to silence my thoughts? I better play the guitar later. That will help. It always does. I don't know what I'm going to do in India when I don't have my guitar. My brain might explode and all of God's truths will ooze out all over the floor of my room.

Music is one of the greatest things ever created. I don't know how I would live without it. I wish I could play the piano. I think life would be better for me if I did. Just one of 700 things I want to change or do.