On Love, In Sadness

I know this sounds incredibly cheesy, but I knew from the moment I saw you I was done for. Your personality sucked me in like a black hole, but not a terryfying black hole, a pleasant one. You always know how to keep my chin up. I mean, I keep my own chin up, but you make me want to do that. I feel like I barely know you, but I also feel like you've been a part of my life for years. I can't explain it. I want so much for my life to be intertwined with yours forever, but at least for right now it is and that is blessing enough for me. I was worried that you would be quite a distraction like all the others in the past were, but it's fairly easy to concentrate with you around. I don't know what this would be called then. Perhaps i'm turning it into something more than it really is. That's the most likely explanation. I told myself I was done with this, and I still am, but I can't help but feel like I'm still holding on. I try to think of how unrealistic it is and I can't come up with very many unrealistic points. All I know is that when I'm with you I end up dreaming about you that night, and it's not like a weird dream or anything, we act the same way in real life as in the dreams though in the dreams there's an unspoken vibe about us. A good unspoken vibe that is. Like there could be something more underneath it all, but i never stick around long enough in the dream to find out. I respect you. I know that's what a man most desperately needs. I respect your opinions and your openness, and I love the way you love. You love people so well. You love me so well. You love Jesus so well. There are so many things that run through my mind when I'm not with you. I wish I could just call you up and talk. I wish I wasn't the queen of awkward.

I used to write letters like these on paper back in my high school days. I can't recall the last time I did it.

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be confident and happy about who I am. Maybe I don't really know who I am yet. That's gotta be the problem. Lord, who am I?

Oh when the day is blue I sit here wondering about you

God is slowly and somewhat painfully making me realize I need to put all my trust in Him. Not in any other person on this earth. Who can I trust but Him? I am slowly starting see that He is the only dependable, trustworthy, loyal, providing person in my life, and I take Him so much for granted. I have been relying on people too much lately. Putting my trust in humanity is hopeless. It will always be hopeless.

I wasn't prepared for this.

I set up a couple of deadlines to 1. stop thinking about someone romantically, and 2. not be interested completely. I hope this works.

I feel like I am breaking into a million tiny pieces. I feel like I need to get away from here for a few days. Either alone or go to visit a friend in a far off place. I really miss Mallory. I think I might look into flying out there for a few days. I don't know. I'm just processing things as I am typing them. I of course miss Kimberly immensely. It's funny, the only human I feel like I can trust in this life is on the other side of the world. Kim, know you are missed dearly.

It is sporadically raining, thundering, and lightning right now. It'll be a good day to sleep with the window half-open. I love sleeping with the windows open. Ever since Vanuatu it's hard for me not to.

Sometimes I think so many things will make me happy, but I know they won't. Deep down I know they will not bring me happiness that lasts. Besides, I keep telling myself that these are things that everyone yearns for, so they can't make me happy because people have wanted these things for the last 100 years. I am wired no differently than Eve.

It feels so unnatural, Peter Gabriel too.

I feel so unnatural right now. Something is going on in my mind or heart or something and I can't put my finger on it. It most likely has to do with a lot of little things. The fact that it snowed all day today, or the fact that I have to clean up after this cat all week, or the fact that I can't ever stop eating, or the fact that I have no one to talk to anymore, or the fact that I started watching Felicity, or the fact that I don't have a boyfriend, or the fact that I haven't read the Bible in a week, or the fact that I don't have a "church" that feels like home, or the fact that I have yet to hear back from India, or the fact that I got my period today, or the fact that I miss living with my family, or the fact that I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, or the fact that I don't have health insurance, or the fact that I have barely enough money to pay my bills, or the fact that I have to practice for my band's cd release party this Saturday, or the fact that I don't want to be a nanny anymore, or the fact that I want to write a song but can't, or the fact that I don't look good in a bikini. All these things and more are contributing to this minor depression.

Sometimes I never want to eat again, but when the time comes to actually stop from putting something in my mouth I just have to do it! Then I don't stop. Sometimes I want to start running and never stop, but I eventually get tired, and right now I am not strong enough to do that anyway. Sometimes I wish I could buy a plane ticket somewhere. A one-way ticket. If I don't hear back from India that's what I'm going to do.

Here I am, laying in bed and what did I accomplish today? Nothing. I watched Felicity all day. I fed the cat when I was supposed to. I drove to my nanny family and let their dog out when I was supposed to, and that's it.

Last night I dreamt I was getting along so well with someone. Someone I do get along real well with, but it was different. It was like they loved me. Really loved me. They looked at me with those eyes. That look of pure love. Not "I love you and want to marry you" love, but true love. Like the way I think Jesus would look at me if he were laying here in bed right next to me. It was an incredible dream. The kind of dream you love to have, yet hate all at the same time because when you wake up you know it's not real...but you wish so much that it was.

It's time to take these socks off. I really am pathetic. If you didn't know that, I'm telling you right now.

I think God isn't good enough for me sometimes, well most of the time. I'm so sorry for that. God should be all that I need, but I don't put Him in that position in my life very often. If at all. Something needs to change. My attitude. My heart needs to be more guarded. My mindset needs to change.

I am not the center of this universe.