I just purchased the Robert Plant and Allison Kraus CD. AMAZING!
Today I conquered my fears and sprinted past my nervous feelings. I tore down a wall that was in dire need of bulldozing. I now feel like I can see farther off into the distance than I have been able to for the last 7 months. I am praying that this will turn into something beautiful and I can't wait to become a great friend in someone's life. A better friend than I have been. A real person. Needless to say, I am so thankful that it happened and for now whatever happens I'm okay with.
I dislike thunderstorms. Perhaps the day I don't shudder when I hear thunder will be the day I am no longer a nervous person. I have been scared of thunderstorms ever since I can remember. It's like a hate/love relationship. I love their power and it reminds me that God is powerful in a world where I feel we water Him down so much saying He's our Love and Father and friend and wants to sweep us off our feet. Those things are all true of course, but we lose the power and might and creativeness of Him.
May 28, 2008
That was when I ruled the world
I wrote this a few months ago and want to keep it around:
The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.
Sometimes I actually consider becoming anorexic! Can you believe that? I'm going through one of those no confidence phases. The biggest mountain in my life keeping me from seeing God's glory is comparing myself to other people. I'm not as fit as her, I'm not as good at guitar as him, I am not as good as the super nanny, I don't look good in that kind of dress, etcetera.
I need God to speak to me more. I remember praying in my dreams! I miss that. My mind and spirit were so focused on God that my dreams were about Him. That's what I want every night.
Here's something I read today that I believe is for me from God:
O My Beloved, abide under the shelter of the lattice-for I have betrothed thee unto Myself, and though ye are sometimes indifferent toward Me, My love for thee is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for thy love and affection is deep and constant.
Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with Me. Take it, though ye leave the tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance than ye think. Our time together is like a garden full of flowers, whereas the time ye give to things is as a field full of stubble.
I love thee, and if ye can always, as it were, feel My pulsebeat, ye shall know many things the knowledge of which shall give thee sustaining strength. I bare thy sins and wish to carry thy burdens. Ye may have the gift of a light and merry heart. My love bower is the place where ye shall find it, for My love dispels all fear and is a cure for every ill. Lay thy head upon My breat and lose thyself in Me. Thou shalt experience resurrection life and peace; the joy of the Lord shall become thy strength; and wells of salvation shall be opened within thee.
Lord, make those truths known in my life. Let me dream about You tonight and give me strength to love Ryley with a pure heart tomorrow.
The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.
Sometimes I actually consider becoming anorexic! Can you believe that? I'm going through one of those no confidence phases. The biggest mountain in my life keeping me from seeing God's glory is comparing myself to other people. I'm not as fit as her, I'm not as good at guitar as him, I am not as good as the super nanny, I don't look good in that kind of dress, etcetera.
I need God to speak to me more. I remember praying in my dreams! I miss that. My mind and spirit were so focused on God that my dreams were about Him. That's what I want every night.
Here's something I read today that I believe is for me from God:
O My Beloved, abide under the shelter of the lattice-for I have betrothed thee unto Myself, and though ye are sometimes indifferent toward Me, My love for thee is at all times as a flame of fire. My ardor never cools. My longing for thy love and affection is deep and constant.
Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with Me. Take it, though ye leave the tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance than ye think. Our time together is like a garden full of flowers, whereas the time ye give to things is as a field full of stubble.
I love thee, and if ye can always, as it were, feel My pulsebeat, ye shall know many things the knowledge of which shall give thee sustaining strength. I bare thy sins and wish to carry thy burdens. Ye may have the gift of a light and merry heart. My love bower is the place where ye shall find it, for My love dispels all fear and is a cure for every ill. Lay thy head upon My breat and lose thyself in Me. Thou shalt experience resurrection life and peace; the joy of the Lord shall become thy strength; and wells of salvation shall be opened within thee.
Lord, make those truths known in my life. Let me dream about You tonight and give me strength to love Ryley with a pure heart tomorrow.
May 24, 2008
Cause It's Been One of Those Kind of Days
No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends. - John 15:13
I'm pretty sure that doesn't say "No one has greater love than to kill for his friends."
I am also pretty sure we are supposed to love our enemies. Whether they are going to kill innocent people or not.
I hate "what if"s.
I also dislike discussions and arguments, but boy oh boy did I walk myself into a large one tonight and it was pretty much like two against one! I was ready to cry and leave angry, but then I told them how I felt and we changed the subject. Thankfully my friendship is more important to them than winning an argument.
So what if my opinion doesn't agree with yours. You telling me your argument isn't going to miraculously change it, and me sharing mine isn't going to change your mind. This I know all too well, and this is why I dislike discussions and arguments. Nothing changes, so what's the point?
I'm pretty sure that doesn't say "No one has greater love than to kill for his friends."
I am also pretty sure we are supposed to love our enemies. Whether they are going to kill innocent people or not.
I hate "what if"s.
I also dislike discussions and arguments, but boy oh boy did I walk myself into a large one tonight and it was pretty much like two against one! I was ready to cry and leave angry, but then I told them how I felt and we changed the subject. Thankfully my friendship is more important to them than winning an argument.
So what if my opinion doesn't agree with yours. You telling me your argument isn't going to miraculously change it, and me sharing mine isn't going to change your mind. This I know all too well, and this is why I dislike discussions and arguments. Nothing changes, so what's the point?
May 21, 2008
I can't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours
I cannot fall asleep. This has become all too familiar lately. First, I get terrified of eternity, more than usual, then I can't fall asleep. What is going on? I just got off the phone with my roommate. She had a job interview a few days ago in Houston and basically is going to be offered a job tomorrow. A pretty swanky one too! She'll have a company car, phone, office, you get the idea...She'll pretty much be moving down there at the end of June. I basically have one month left with her! I'm sort of jealous. I can't even be a sales associate at Urban Outfitters, and she is being offered this cushy job in Houston? She'll be making way more than I probably ever will, and here I am going to India in 5 months with hardly a penny in the bank and a wheel bearing that needs to be replaced in my car. I just have to try to remind myself that it's okay travelling down the non-traditional path. It's okay having a job that barely pays the bills. I still make more than a majority of the people in this world. It just seems kind of ominous when I look at the big picture. I need at least $8,000 dollars by September 27th. When I lay in bed all I can think about is how I'm going to save money. What can I cut out of my life that I'm spending unnecessary funds on? What can I do to save every penny? How will I find more income? Worry, worry, worry! Lord, I cast all my worries on you because you care for me. I know you will provide. Please take away my fear and earthly doubts. Show me your Kingdom here and now. Make me your instrument.
In the last few months the weeks have flown by, but for some reason this week is ever so slowly creeping along. I am so ready for these 40 days of relations, transformations, and missions! I am so ready to start reading your ancient yet always applicable words again. I am so ready to fast for 40 days again...fruits and veggies that is. No worries folks. I won't be going without solids again for awhile.
Since I'm on the complain train I'll just get a few things off my chest while I still can.
I want a second job.
I want my CD to be duplicated.
I want out of the band.
I want a boyfriend.
I want to be able to eat everything I want and still lose weight.
I want to wake up happy.
I want to sleep in every day.
I want to take guitar lessons.
I want to go to therapy.
I want to stop paying taxes.
I want to find $8,000 on the ground.
I want to go swimming all day tomorrow.
I want someone to tell me I'm worth something.
I don't want to sing at my cousin's wedding on Saturday.
I want to say "no" for once in my life.
I want to get rid of my car and never own one again.
I want to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents.
I want to go to Fiji for a month.
I want to go to Perth for two or more years.
I want to go to Lauren's wedding, but with Mal Pal.
I want to fall asleep as soon as I lay down again.
Most of all, I want my desires to reflect your heart.
In the last few months the weeks have flown by, but for some reason this week is ever so slowly creeping along. I am so ready for these 40 days of relations, transformations, and missions! I am so ready to start reading your ancient yet always applicable words again. I am so ready to fast for 40 days again...fruits and veggies that is. No worries folks. I won't be going without solids again for awhile.
Since I'm on the complain train I'll just get a few things off my chest while I still can.
I want a second job.
I want my CD to be duplicated.
I want out of the band.
I want a boyfriend.
I want to be able to eat everything I want and still lose weight.
I want to wake up happy.
I want to sleep in every day.
I want to take guitar lessons.
I want to go to therapy.
I want to stop paying taxes.
I want to find $8,000 on the ground.
I want to go swimming all day tomorrow.
I want someone to tell me I'm worth something.
I don't want to sing at my cousin's wedding on Saturday.
I want to say "no" for once in my life.
I want to get rid of my car and never own one again.
I want to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents.
I want to go to Fiji for a month.
I want to go to Perth for two or more years.
I want to go to Lauren's wedding, but with Mal Pal.
I want to fall asleep as soon as I lay down again.
Most of all, I want my desires to reflect your heart.
May 15, 2008
Details in the fabric
It's getting late so I won't be long with this one.
My so called life! Remember that TV show? I never saw it, but I remember the name. My life isn't crazy, but it is. I have so many things speeding through my brain at the speed of sound most likely. I can't even stop to look at one because another thing is coming up so fast! Jobs, money, bills, friends, family, Bible, Jesus, Kingdom, neighbors, travel, India, Ryley, crushes, dreams, The Office, swimming, running, boflex, sleeping, cramps, etc.
Yikes! That is a lot and that's only what comes to mind immediately. If I really thought about it I'd have a zillion more things that I should be thinking about. It's hard to work on one at a time when they all seem so important to get through.
I am so tired, but happy that when I wake up it will be Friday!
I finally heard from my Soul-mate tonight via e-mail. So relieved. So happy. So sad. I miss her. A lot. It gets me depressed just to think about how far away she is and how I really have no clue when I'm going to see her next.
My eating habits need to change. I'm happy i'm starting to get into the work out routine again. Praise God for that! It's the only thing I have managed to do consistently in my entire life. That and brush my teeth, bite my fingernails, and eat lots of food. But oddly enough, I read an article in Elle magazine that made me almost love me just the way I am! I would tell every woman I know to read this article! If only I knew the name of it at the moment.
I have a lot of things to pray about and seek answers for. A lot. Church stuff. What is this Kingdom Jesus talked about oh so much? Financial situation/provision. W-I-S-D-O-M. I need a bigger heart. A more guarded heart. A stronger heart.
I was thinking of changing how I wrote in this, but decided to not. I like how real I am here. For some reason getting things out on paper or type relieve me of feelings I don't need to fall asleep to. I can rest at ease knowing my mumbled thoughts make some kind of sense somewhere. I think when I get married I won't keep a journal like this anymore cause I'll share all these thoughts with the man of my dreams as we lay down to fall asleep. I hope I talk to my husband in bed all night like I do when I have "sleepovers" with girl friends.
Well, it's almost 11:30 and that means 7.5 hours of sleep! Not enough, but better than 7.
My so called life! Remember that TV show? I never saw it, but I remember the name. My life isn't crazy, but it is. I have so many things speeding through my brain at the speed of sound most likely. I can't even stop to look at one because another thing is coming up so fast! Jobs, money, bills, friends, family, Bible, Jesus, Kingdom, neighbors, travel, India, Ryley, crushes, dreams, The Office, swimming, running, boflex, sleeping, cramps, etc.
Yikes! That is a lot and that's only what comes to mind immediately. If I really thought about it I'd have a zillion more things that I should be thinking about. It's hard to work on one at a time when they all seem so important to get through.
I am so tired, but happy that when I wake up it will be Friday!
I finally heard from my Soul-mate tonight via e-mail. So relieved. So happy. So sad. I miss her. A lot. It gets me depressed just to think about how far away she is and how I really have no clue when I'm going to see her next.
My eating habits need to change. I'm happy i'm starting to get into the work out routine again. Praise God for that! It's the only thing I have managed to do consistently in my entire life. That and brush my teeth, bite my fingernails, and eat lots of food. But oddly enough, I read an article in Elle magazine that made me almost love me just the way I am! I would tell every woman I know to read this article! If only I knew the name of it at the moment.
I have a lot of things to pray about and seek answers for. A lot. Church stuff. What is this Kingdom Jesus talked about oh so much? Financial situation/provision. W-I-S-D-O-M. I need a bigger heart. A more guarded heart. A stronger heart.
I was thinking of changing how I wrote in this, but decided to not. I like how real I am here. For some reason getting things out on paper or type relieve me of feelings I don't need to fall asleep to. I can rest at ease knowing my mumbled thoughts make some kind of sense somewhere. I think when I get married I won't keep a journal like this anymore cause I'll share all these thoughts with the man of my dreams as we lay down to fall asleep. I hope I talk to my husband in bed all night like I do when I have "sleepovers" with girl friends.
Well, it's almost 11:30 and that means 7.5 hours of sleep! Not enough, but better than 7.
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