Today! Today, I live for one thing

I feel as if there is suppressed creativity welling up inside of me. I am itching to write a song, write a blog, write a letter, record music, but every time I pick up a guitar or sit down at the computer or a piece of paper my motivation and desire leaves me completely. My energy has left me months ago and I don't know when it plans on returning to my unloving arms. I'm just shuffling through this life. I am not living for any purposes right now. I need something to live for. Perhaps it's time to take a little trip down memory lane and see how far I've come and decide to keep going instead of standing still or going backwards. I am a woman who is set in her ways and judgmental of people's opinions and tastes in music. Sometimes I think I'm open minded, but I don't think I'm that welcoming of others' thoughts or opinions almost at all.

I can say that I realized some things last night at Starbucks with two very dear friends of mine:

1. I love one of them more and more each time I see them, and when they share problems and dilemmas of life with me, even though I don't know what to say to her, I feel this immense love for her flowing throughout every part of my physical body and mental mind. I mean her life is aweful right now, at least she doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to tell her, but I love her more even now as I am typing this. She is wonderful and always has been, and no matter what she thinks about herself, she is so so so so strong and has come such a long way from our first moments together. I deserted her once, and I will never do that again.

2. My other friend, who has good intentions, doesn't always encourage people to change in the most loving way. That's just the way she is, and she always has been since I've known her. In fact I sometimes avoid telling her my struggles because I know exactly how she'll try to get me to change my negative attitude. I always eventually tell her everything, but it's hard to do it when it's actually happening. I also love this woman more and more as she changes and matures into a wonderful woman who loves God with all her heart. It's been fun seeing her go from skeptical/follower to passionate/leader.

3. With these two ladies I was completely content even though the situation was uncomfortable and solemn. I got the feeling I only get when looking back at pictures from India, or when I first see an old friend's face on skype, or when I see a small child very well behaved, or when I see an elderly couple walking together or holding hands. It's the same feeling I think Jesus felt when he looked at everyone. The pharisees, the ones he called whitewashed tombs, the lepers, the tax-collectors, the Jews, the poor, the rich, men, women, children. I think Jesus felt this love for every one he encountered. I mean he washed Judas' feet and he knew Judas would betray him. I want to love like he loved and that's all I want to do.

That is all I ever want to do.

Foolish Love

The Ugly Truth, huh? You want the ugly truth? I think I'm leading on a man who has no chance with me. Well, maybe a slight chance, but I always come back to the same conclusion: not gonna happen. Sure he cut his hair. Sure maybe he'll look gorgeous like usual, even more so because of his hair. I don't know yet. I won't skype until I wake up in the morning. I'll still have sleep in my eyes and he'll have had all day to look good. It will be an uneven match which I am okay with because I don't need him falling more in love with me. I need him to forget about me. I need those little versions of himself in his brain to shred all memories with me so that he is not hurt. I don't like the idea of causing him pain, and I don't like the idea of sharing the ugly truth with someone else. Maybe Emily was right, I just need to jump off of this ledge I have been standing on since my second day in India. If not soon, then I'll never jump and why not jump? I have but one life to live. I don't want to live it as a coward. I want to drink it, smell it, taste it, hear it, feel it, sleep it, breathe it. I do think it's too soon to jump off this ledge. We'll just have to play by ear and see how this phone conversation goes tomorrow.

Why must being human be so complex?

I am not my own, for I have been made knew

Couldn't I just give away all "my" possessions? Couldn't I just walk everywhere and sleep anywhere? Do I really need money to live in this country? Am I really expected to give money to every Man I come across? There is more than one, oh yes. There are a lot of Men. I want to share with the world that "The Man" has brothers, partners if you will, in his crime of bringing people down. I don't want to owe anything to anyone. That's my ultimate goal. I kind of want to just wander around the world with nothing to my name. I don't even need a name. I could fake my death and start over somewhere else as my real self. The girl no one has ever seen or known, except the One being who created me and knows me through and through. I think I need human beings to be satisfied, but I don't. I know I am created as a relational creature, however the thought of being relational with anyone right now makes me shudder. Don't get me wrong, I love people, but right now Most People is on my last nerve. I have to go to work tomorrow and see Most People. I have to come home and see Most People. I have to wake up and see Most People. Everywhere I go Most People is following me.

Release me from this inward focus. Teach me to be content in every situation as Paul was. I need to eat of the fruit and mostly I need to give out the fruit. But right now everything has gone horribly askew and even my feet have fallen asleep. Can anything go right today? Anything? Bueller? Bueller?

Something is not right with me

I need you to invade every known and unknown aspect of my life. I do not even want to be able to breathe without thinking of you. I am asking that you speed up time when I cannot be with you completely so that you come quicker to my mind and my heart. And that you slow down time when I am engaged in you so that you dwell in my mind and my heart longer. Tomorrow it begins. If I write it down for some to see, I have to do it. I want to do it. Everything I am is yours. After all, you created me.

I realize I was acting all wrong

Men never cease to amaze me. Just when you think they are thick headed and would never even think anything they did was wrong, they surprise you and do something like call you in the middle of the night because they cannot wait any longer. Wait for what you are dying to ask me? He couldn't wait any longer to apologize to me. To admit to hurting me. That is a man if you ask me. A real man.

Oh God hold me now

I am Israel. I am Israel in Judges. I do whatever seems good in my eyes. I need deliverance. I have deliverance, I just don't acknowledge said deliverance most days.

When I see Indian people, Indian movies, even simply tags on clothes that say "made in India" I get a fuzzy feeling of love that wells up inside of me, however secretly deep, deep down inside me the thought of going back to India really scares me.

I've been reading a lot of stories lately of women who have started amazing organizations because they saw one little story on Oprah or read something in a magazine about women suffering in the Congo and suddenly they knew they had to do something and now they are the founder of a giant non-profit that provides education and health care to these women. I want to be like those people. I have always desired to be a pioneer.

When all my thoughts are said and done, I am just like Moses, Jonah, Timothy. I know what to do next, I just am afraid of it.

I won't regret

Sitting in restaurants
Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But [I] obviously
[I] didn't wanna stick around

So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do
So I learned from you
Do do do da do do do do do do da do do do do do do da do do

I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Here I am, in that old place again, down on my face again

I knew this would happen. Maybe it's me being emotional and rational because it is 11:42 PM. However, I felt like this was coming, something brought me to this place, and I have to throw some fleece down. I have to lay it outside and say, "bring me a sign or I'm peace-ing out of this." I don't care if it's dry and the grass is wet or vice versa. Something miraculous must happen in order for me to stay with this. I want dreams, visions, songs, prophecies, anything that is blatant. If it's not blatant it won't count.

I'm sick of breaking hearts, but that's all I seem to be good at.

I Remember It Well

I remember when I didn't even know you existed.
I remember when I saw you around but never talked to you.
I remember when we never said "hi" when we passed each other.
I remember when you were seeing that other girl.
I remember thinking I wish a guy loved me like you loved her.
I remember when you came back from your home.
I remember the first time you said hello to me.
I remember you inviting me to watch your band practice.
I remember you sitting outside next to me and another friend talking.
I remember thinking you liked her.
I remember when you asked me to play a song with you.
I remember you spending a lot of time near me all of a sudden.
I remember that first time we had an actual conversation with one another.
I remember you initiated everything.
I remember the words you spoke when you told me you loved me.
I remember not believing a word you said.
I remember God telling me you were completely honest.
I remember being scared and I was actually going to tell you "no way."
I remember not being able to tell you that.
I remember not wanting to tell you that.
I remember phone calls every single night.
I remember those last few days.
I remember that last morning with remorse.
I remember being terrified my life had took a turn for the worst.
I remember thinking if it was all worth it.
I remember that it wasn't worth it.
I remember crying in my bed thinking about it.
I remember when that day finally came and I was so, so, so relieved.
I remember a shift in my being that day.
I remember I once told you I loved you, but only once.
I remember you telling me you love me most of the time.
I remember back to before the day I left, and things were beautiful then.
I remember what happened and now things are a bit different.
I just don't know what to think anymore.
I don't know what to do.
I don't even know if I care.
I feel kind of numb about everything.
I smile at the past.
I have an awkward silence with the presence.
I don't know what to feel about the future.

It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song

Why do I think the answer to all my problems is fasting. Maybe it is. Eventually I'll figure some piece of this puzzle out.

First day of school tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when Justin is in school. The Love of my life is in India and my best friend starts the eighth grade tomorrow. It'll be a good day to get my head into the Bible and run a few miles.

I really feel as if I'm wasting my days away. I say I'm going to wake up early, but I just sleep the day away. I say I'm going to eat healthy but I just eat junk. I say I'm going to read the Bible, but I just watch TV. I say I'm going to be to work on time, but I'm always a few minutes late. I say I'm going to go to bed early, but I just stay up late.

Something needs to change, and only I can make that happen. I need to work on my self-control. As of this moment in time I have none. Absolutely none. I'll say yes to anything and everything. Except drugs. Just say no, kids.

I am small and needy

When will it ever stop?
There are many things I need to pray about.
Many things I need to set down,
let go of,
give up.
I couldn't tell you I got a raise at work because sometimes I just don't want to talk to you. I know you love me and that does not make me feel better most of the time. Not that human love will ever make anyone feel satisfied.
I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
I know I need to change.
It takes time, and I'm working on it.
I have reasons for the things I do,
people just don't understand them.
I cannot explain myself.
I'm okay with that.
I am unique and that's the way I was meant to be.
Mysterious and confounding.
I understand me.
He understands me.
That's really all that matters.
As long as I'm doing the Father's will I'll be A-okay.

Constant Knot

What to do.
I have a lot of thinking to do.
That's what to do.
I just want to be told what to do.
Isn't that what You do?
How will I know what to do?
What exactly is it I am supposed to do?
I just don't know what to do.
I am confused about what to do.
It is night however and thinking about this is the last thing I should do.
I'm really wrestling with what to do.
Tell me what to do.

Well I'm off chasing my own dreams...

I cannot decide if I'm falling in love or if I'm just simply loving the fact that someone loves me. He really cares about me. He really does love me. He really does make me laugh. He really is a sweetheart. He looks out for me. He keeps me in check with my heart. He makes me noodles when I'm sick. He apologizes for not responding to an SMS. He gave me his bandanna while he's gone for the week. He wrote a song for me. He calls me every night. He gives me space when I need it without asking questions. He's happy just to see me from across the room. He likes the real me, even though I haven't quite showed that to him yet. He has the greatest memory in the world which really compliments my lack of memory. He told me he wants me to be the last girl he kisses. The last girl he calls "his". The last girl he loves. How can I comprehend the way he loves me when I do not even love myself. Girls still struggle with loving themselves even when they're being pursued and truly loved by a man. This is what I always wanted, and I thought this would make my self-image struggles melt away, but I realize now that the only person that can cause me to love myself is God, and also myself. No one else can help me see who I truly am through God's eyes but us. Me and God. He is my true Love. My one true Father who loves me perfectly, clearly, truly, honestly, steadfastly, never-ending, never-failing, righteous, holy, pure, amazing, beautiful love. That's how my God loves me.


So I'll cross my heart
And hope to die
Before I have a chance to lie
To you my dear
Who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray before too long
So please just listen when I sing this song
I sing this song

Come with me, my Love to the sea, the sea of love

The cat is out of the bag. Well, the cat has been revealed to one person, and it is turning into a wonderful thing. That person really likes this cat and they told us they would love to help this cat out in any way possible. I am afraid of this cat. It's a little intimidating and it makes me nervous when I am around it, but the fact that this person is so willing to help us out with this feline comforts me a little and makes me a little more at ease around this cat, knowing there are two more people to ask questions and speak with about taking care of this animal.

Now, I never wanted an Indian cat. I don't even like cats actually, but this cat is different. This cat is growing on me and is quite endearing. This cat has been around for a long time. Ever since I first came to India I noticed this cat, but we both simply did not pay any attention to each other. In fact there was this other animal that took all my attention. A very cute dog who loved to play the same games as me and reminded me of home. However, I think the dog lost interest and I was quite depressed for awhile. I longed to play with the dog again and care for it, but this dog just wouldn't have it.

One day a friend came to me with a bag and told me to look inside, but I couldn't tell anyone what I saw. So I opened this bag and there was that familiar cat that has always been there from the very beginning, but never paid any attention to me, and I left it alone as well. Suddenly this cat wanted to be a big part of my life and I thought so hard about this cat. I prayed about this cat. I prayed for the cat even. I even told my mother about the cat! I remember when I first came to this country I specifically told myself and everyone around me that I would never play with cats. Never. I have always been drawn to dogs, and dogs were so nice and more independent than cats. Cats were too needy and you have to clean up after them, plus they shed a lot and there are tiny pieces of them all over the house, your clothes, even in your mouth sometimes. Darn cats.

I am afraid the same thing will happen with this cat as with all the other dogs. For some reason I am still in the dog mind-set even though this is clearly not a dog. Because of this I am nervous, scared, and quiet. But also, because this is a cat, I have been more open, real, and raw.

My only hope is that this feline survives longer than three months. I really do. The dogs have only stuck around for short lengths of time. I hear cats live longer than dogs. I hope the rumor is true.

I'm going to learn to love without fear.

I'm finding myself being the most ridiculous person I have ever been. In a sense my life has been more ridiculous than this, but I just look around me and the thought comes to my mind, "how on earth did I get to this exact moment in time?" Here I am sitting in a building in India watching a band of guys all from Nagaland practice music. 6 months ago I had never even heard of Nagaland, and that word does not even register in my spellcheck! It is so wonderful though how many people there are out there in this world that I have not met yet, but as soon as I do I will not be able to picture my life without them in it.

It's funny how life's situations seem to mirror Biblical stories. I am suddenly reminded to remember my first love like Christ tells Ephesus in the Revelation of Jesus Christ. But this situation actually isn't to remember Christ as my first love, but to remember my first love when I came to India. Who did I first fall in love with here? How is it I have come to a place where someone is, without even knowing it, potentially taking place of my first love in India. Do I stay true to my first love who to this day has never been so frank with me? Do I give this new guy any hope at all? I need to be very careful here. I have broken many hearts in my day, and what is to come of this? We're already at the point where a heart will be broken.

I think I've been living in a dream the past week. This past week, in very unexpected ways, all my dreams seem to be coming true. Like, after a few weeks of doom and depression, suddenly things are all fitting together, I am very wary of this though, but who am I to question good things? Praise the Lord these things are happening, and I am happy that he is such a powerful God, and he truly is on the throne. He is in control of my life. He is in control of my friend's life. He has brought us here together for some reason. Some reason unknown to me at this moment.

I am a bit confused and baffled. You might say I'm bewildered. It's a happy confusion of course. How can one not be happy in a situation like this? But, what to do? All these questions I never had to think about before are coming up like, could I live in this country forever? This seems to be an even bigger commitment than any other one I've ever had to consider. Of course it would be. How is it these guys can be so forward and serious? Where is this coming from? Why is this happening? This cannot possibly be happening. This is why I think it's all a dream. Can you really fall in love with me without even knowing me? Do you really think I'm "that woman?"

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh God, let me be okay with this only if it is your will.
Oh God, don't let my feelings lead me.
Oh God, make me completely honest.
Oh God, calm my mind.
Oh God, calm my heart.
Oh God, hold me now.

I'm a new soul

Dear Lord Jesus, why is this happening to me? Now I know there aren't many times I ask you this question, but this is one of those times. I'm not expecting any answer because that's the answer I usually get in difficult situations. How is this situation difficult? I'd tell you, but you're omniscient. I already wrote it all out in another journal for you. Oh my goodness gracious.

Summer breeze makes me feel fine blowing through my mind

I no longer worry about not passing this season of my life. However, it is much harder at this very moment to think this is really where God wants me. Maybe I came to the wrong place to take this school? Every day just gets harder and harder. Not assignment-wise, but culture-wise. People-wise. Food-wise.
I realize this could all very well have to do with that enemy who knows me so well. For that reason I will not abandon my first Love. I will never abandon my first Love.

I am a whore I must confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle to you

So, after a night to think this all through, I feel like perhaps my walls are tumbling down just as Jericho's walls did. All coming down at one time and I don't know how to react or what to do. I am feeling every emotion at different moments, in small spurts.

Be courageous and strong, Darling.
Be courageous and strong.

To the bottom, Dear, I had to fall

Tropical Icebergs suddenly have no flavor.
I hate crying in front of people.
Rejoice! Again I must rejoice!
How can I rejoice?
I want to lie in my bed all day, not moving, or even breathing.
I want to lay next to you my Dear.
In silence like Job and his friends.
Don't let my heart harden.
This is my year of hope which happened to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
Rejoice! I must rejoice.
I will not question the "why's."
Bitterness will only infiltrate my being.
Who wants that?
O, My God, how you love your servant!
Emotions seem to be all I have left in me.
My body is broken and weary.
My mind is completely blank.
Rejoice! Again, I say rejoice!
I cannot help but take interest in my own future.
If that Devil is trying me now,
how much more will my Father use me in this hopeful year?
Comfort is found in a band of horses.
I must lay my honey on the altar.
Honey, you really are the sweetest thing I ever saw.
I long to be with you, I truly do.
Rejoice, I know it's hard, rejoice!
Be strong. I'll be weak in your place.
But it's okay to be weak. I'll be strong for you.

He's my Brandy Alexander

I wonder who I'll actually end up with. This is an unknown thing that I am excited for. Why can't I be excited for the unknown thing that is eternity? I have a true love and that is you. I am excited to see your redeeming love throughout the old testament! Your love for Israel and your love for your people. I think I may come out of this SBS truly knowing how much you love me or at least knowing as much as I ever have about your love for me.

Lord, I don't know if this guy is the one for me. You know. You sly Father. You know exactly what is going to happen with this. So why should I worry so much about it? It is not a sin for me to like him. It is not a sin to want to get to know him more. It is not even a sin to desire him. To be attracted to him. To love him. I just pray that you remain the center of my life. You remain my true love. This could come and go, but you always remain. You are a constant, firm Love in my life. It's quite amazing that you always come with me wherever I go. My friends and family cannot even do that! Why do I desire others to be with me when I've had you with me since the day I began forming in my mother's womb! You loved me even then. You love me even now. You will love me in the future. Help me become a Godly woman. Grow my strength and diligence. If I had your strength I'd be the strongest woman in the world. If I had your kindness I would be the kindest woman in the world. If I had your heart I would have the biggest, most loving heart in the world.

I've got my life in a suitcase

The wave seems to be hitting all shores but my own. That should be okay with me. I have been struggling with not caring about the wave. I do not even know why I still want this wave to hit my shores. I do not need this wave. I do not need to look for this wave. I have plenty of other things to occupy my mind and my time. I am happy for my friend who has just been hit by the wave. It's quite sweet and beautiful. I just want something sweet and beautiful. If there's one thing I have learned in the past 3 months it is that I fall fast and hard and am too emotional and over-analyze everything. That's more than one thing I suppose, but they all go hand-in-hand.

This life is becoming too complicated, but only because I am making it so. It does not have to be this complicated.