We Mostly Work to Live, Until We Live to Work

Why is my mind such that if I find something I really want, I won't let it die until I get it. It sits in the back of my mind, almost marinating in my desires, until it's just like some sort of fix I need to feed! I wish I could save money and not have all the things I want, but no, I must have all the things I want. I NEED THOSE THINGS. At least that's what my brain is telling my mind.

I bought some Ugg boots today. Why in the world do I need ugg boots when I am in fact, moving to India? I felt they'd actually be good for winter there and traveling to London and then to Mumbai. I mean, Uggs on a plane? Sounds relaxing, comfortable. I'd look so awesome. And wool is equally as good for keeping you cool as it is for keeping you warm, right? RIGHT?

Ay carumba. I'm going to go wallow in self-despair and regret now for the next few days until they come in the mail and I fall in love with them and am glad I purchased them.

At least they were on sale for only $70 dollars. That's actually quite the deal. I mean, I would have been stupid to pass that up, right? RIGHT?

I can't hesitate no more, no more, it cannot wait, I'm yours

I cannot fall asleep. This has become all too familiar lately. First, I get terrified of eternity, more than usual, then I can't fall asleep. What is going on? I just got off the phone with my roommate. She had a job interview a few days ago in Houston and basically is going to be offered a job tomorrow. A pretty swanky one too! She'll have a company car, phone, office, you get the idea...She'll pretty much be moving down there at the end of June. I basically have one month left with her! I'm sort of jealous. I can't even be a sales associate at Urban Outfitters, and she is being offered this cushy job in Houston? She'll be making way more than I probably ever will, and here I am going to India in 5 months with hardly a penny in the bank and a wheel bearing that needs to be replaced in my car. I just have to try to remind myself that it's okay travelling down the non-traditional path. It's okay having a job that barely pays the bills. I still make more than a majority of the people in this world. It just seems kind of ominous when I look at the big picture. I need at least $8,000 dollars by September 27th. When I lay in bed all I can think about is how I'm going to save money. What can I cut out of my life that I'm spending unnecessary funds on? What can I do to save every penny? How will I find more income? Worry, worry, worry! Lord, I cast all my worries on you because you care for me. I know you will provide. Please take away my fear and earthly doubts. Show me your Kingdom here and now. Make me your instrument.

In the last few months the weeks have flown by, but for some reason this week is ever so slowly creeping along. I am so ready for these 40 days of relations, transformations, and missions! I am so ready to start reading your ancient yet always applicable words again. I am so ready to fast for 40 days again...fruits and veggies that is. No worries folks. I won't be going without solids again for awhile.

Since I'm on the complain train I'll just get a few things off my chest while I still can.
I want a second job.
I want my CD to be duplicated.
I want out of the band.
I want a boyfriend.
I want to be able to eat everything I want and still lose weight.
I want to wake up happy.
I want to sleep in every day.
I want to take guitar lessons.
I want to go to therapy.
I want to stop paying taxes.
I want to find $8,000 on the ground.
I want to go swimming all day tomorrow.
I want someone to tell me I'm worth something.
I don't want to sing at my cousin's wedding on Saturday.
I want to say "no" for once in my life.
I want to get rid of my car and never own one again.
I want to move out of my apartment and back in with my parents.
I want to go to Fiji for a month.
I want to go to Perth for two or more years.
I want to go to Lauren's wedding, but with Mal Pal.
I want to fall asleep as soon as I lay down again.

Most of all, I want my desires to reflect your heart.

Let's Pretend We're in Antarctica.

Oh Life, Why must you pass by so quickly? I finally scrape up enough money to pay my bills and before I know it one month has gone by and I have to pay them again. I wish to live so simply, but I cannot seem to give up all my stuff. In Luke 3:11 John says to his disciples, "the man who has two tunics is to share with him who has none; and he who has food is to do likewise." I really want to start living like that. I have more than enough clothes, shoes, food, even money if I think about it...even though it seems like I'm barely getting by at times. I make more money that a lot of people in this world. If I just take a step back and look at all the things I use and actually need it would be a pretty short list compared to the long list of things I use but do not necessarily need. There are so many things in this life I feel like I waste my time thinking about and worrying over. I have so much anxiety it's ridiculous. I do not remember a time when I didn't bite my fingernails. I'm convinced I have some sort of deep-rooted anxiety and nervousness that is the reason for a lot of things I feel are "wrong" with me. I need healing. Lots of it, and I don't really know how to go about starting it. How do I address all the things in my life I need to forgive and forget and move on finally? I cannot go it alone.

I have been so antsy lately. I have been looking at YWAM schools all day long online. I want to go somewhere and experience new things again. I want to meet new people. I want to fall farther in love with the man who created me. I want to be more confident in who I am and most importantly my intelligence. I feel so weak. I feel so small. I sometimes wonder if I've been wrong to not go to college. I feel like everyone my age is smarter than me. Using words I don't know and knowing things I should know. I know these have to be lies from Satan, or from my own brain. God would never tell me I'm not as good as other people my age and should go to school. In His eyes I am very good and He wants to use me somehow. I just wish I knew that "somehow". I wish I knew what it was He wants to use me for. I'd totally go to college if He gave me a passion for a career. I'd totally do 25 more YWAM courses if He told me to. I'd totally sell all my things and move to the South Pacific if He wanted me there. But I don't know what He wants for me. What does the Bible tell me He wants? That's what I must embark on. A new adventure, discovering mysteries my mind and heart have not come across yet. Stumbling upon ancient ruins and treasures so amazing.

The desires of my heart? Know more about my King; Making music; Getting married; Going to different churches overseas; I want to live like the early Church; Learn another language; Give hope to people; Jesus is the center of all my relationships; Pray more; Know more about the Spirit; Do miracles; Be a pioneer. Not a rebel.