Life is the funniest thing. I mean you meet people that you had some sort of relationship with them or their family years and years ago. A lot of old flames have ignited these past two weeks. New flames too, but the new ones were quickly blown out. The old ones however, are going strong. My heart breaks for people who break up and who truly loved one another. My heart does not break for people who break up and who were manipulative and dis-respectful to their partner's family.
A lot of thoughts are running through my mind today. I have nothing to do so far, so my brain is running on crazy. I cannot stop it! What can I do to silence my thoughts? I better play the guitar later. That will help. It always does. I don't know what I'm going to do in India when I don't have my guitar. My brain might explode and all of God's truths will ooze out all over the floor of my room.
Music is one of the greatest things ever created. I don't know how I would live without it. I wish I could play the piano. I think life would be better for me if I did. Just one of 700 things I want to change or do.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
July 28, 2008
They build buildings so, they build buildings so, they build buildings so tall these days
Today was a good day. Let me just start off by saying that. Mostly it was a good night. I was able to see The Dark Knight again (I keep wanting to write "Night" instead of "Knight") with my bro Justin. I think he liked it. He didn't talk much about it afterward, but perhaps he thought about how amazing it was. He is only 13 years of age though, just barely old enough to enjoy anything more complicated than legos and pizza rolls. He is a funny kid, I'll give him that. He's beginning to get influenced by the world and that scares me a little bit. I can imagine it being hard since his only friends are school friends and none of them are good influences. He just goes with the flow even though he won't admit it.
I was very excited that I got to see an old friend, and by old, I mean incredibly old friend tonight. It's probably been about 5 or 6 years since I saw them last, but a few more than that since we talked. It couldn't have been a deep conversation either because it was when we were 11 or 12. Funny, I know. Needless to say, it was really good to see this person and I am sad we only talked for a few short minutes and they leave tomorrow only to be gone for another 14 to 18 months.
It was good to spend time with a new, old friend. I say new because we've known each other for a little less than a year, and I say old because they already feel like those old friends you have that you go to first with things. Not that I go to this person first, but he's one of the first in my mind when I need help or need prayer or have encouragement or even just simply want to hang out with! I got to help him out this evening and I thought it only fitting since he helped me out so much when my family was moving. He's one of those "lifers" you know? Well, he'll be a "lifer" until he gets married, then who knows what'll happen, but I know we'll be good friends until then. I say "he" like he's going to get married first, and it's probably true.
I fall in and out of love so easily I wonder if it ever was love in the first place.
God, I don't want to fall in love in India. I don't want to fall in love with a man there. I want to fall in love with You there, but not a human man. Not for me. I want to focus on You and your words. I want to fall in love with that country and the people of that country and their culture, but not a specific man.
Can you imagine if I hadn't broken up with that boy in sixth grade shortly after we started "going out"? what my life would be like now. I'm not saying we would have been together since then, but what if it were longer? I think my first relationship was a mini-version of all my future relationships. Short. To the point. Almost pointless. I say almost, because there was one I feel was not pointless at all. I really did love this one, at least I think I did. Not the sixth grade one. Anyway, I never really knew any of my boyfriends very well before they took on that roll in my life. I think that is why they never lasted.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I know the answer to that. I am not ready. I am not myself yet. I still don't know what it truly means to be confident. I fall in like way too easily. I don't think I'm good enough most of the time. I stumble over my words a lot. I am quiet a lot of the time. I have sweaty hands and I bite my fingernails. Shall I go on? I do, however, know that I am valuable, beautiful, and worth peoples' time most of the time.
I had a good night. I'm going to bed with a smile on my face. I hope to wake up with it still sitting there and I pray it sticks with me all day at work.
I was very excited that I got to see an old friend, and by old, I mean incredibly old friend tonight. It's probably been about 5 or 6 years since I saw them last, but a few more than that since we talked. It couldn't have been a deep conversation either because it was when we were 11 or 12. Funny, I know. Needless to say, it was really good to see this person and I am sad we only talked for a few short minutes and they leave tomorrow only to be gone for another 14 to 18 months.
It was good to spend time with a new, old friend. I say new because we've known each other for a little less than a year, and I say old because they already feel like those old friends you have that you go to first with things. Not that I go to this person first, but he's one of the first in my mind when I need help or need prayer or have encouragement or even just simply want to hang out with! I got to help him out this evening and I thought it only fitting since he helped me out so much when my family was moving. He's one of those "lifers" you know? Well, he'll be a "lifer" until he gets married, then who knows what'll happen, but I know we'll be good friends until then. I say "he" like he's going to get married first, and it's probably true.
I fall in and out of love so easily I wonder if it ever was love in the first place.
God, I don't want to fall in love in India. I don't want to fall in love with a man there. I want to fall in love with You there, but not a human man. Not for me. I want to focus on You and your words. I want to fall in love with that country and the people of that country and their culture, but not a specific man.
Can you imagine if I hadn't broken up with that boy in sixth grade shortly after we started "going out"? what my life would be like now. I'm not saying we would have been together since then, but what if it were longer? I think my first relationship was a mini-version of all my future relationships. Short. To the point. Almost pointless. I say almost, because there was one I feel was not pointless at all. I really did love this one, at least I think I did. Not the sixth grade one. Anyway, I never really knew any of my boyfriends very well before they took on that roll in my life. I think that is why they never lasted.
Sometimes I wonder why I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I know the answer to that. I am not ready. I am not myself yet. I still don't know what it truly means to be confident. I fall in like way too easily. I don't think I'm good enough most of the time. I stumble over my words a lot. I am quiet a lot of the time. I have sweaty hands and I bite my fingernails. Shall I go on? I do, however, know that I am valuable, beautiful, and worth peoples' time most of the time.
I had a good night. I'm going to bed with a smile on my face. I hope to wake up with it still sitting there and I pray it sticks with me all day at work.
February 4, 2008
I rejoice in this Divine Romance
Upon realization that two of my friends have started a relationship with each other that was not happening last weekend, but now is clearly going on, I have been thinking tonight a lot about my past relationships. How they never lasted very long because I was quick to jump into them. They were all about happy, euphoric feelings. Mostly feelings of acceptance. Finally someone, a guy, thought I was beautiful. Finally a guy thought I was amazing. Finally a guy wanted to spend time with me. Finally a guy wanted to say that I was his girlfriend. Boy, oh boy, I don't know how people can do that for long periods of time! I feel like I jumped into something with someone I didn't even know. Once I really got to know them, realizing this was not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I said good-bye and pretty much never talked to them again. Even though at first we had a wonderful friendship. A fun friendship. There is one of my past boyfriends I wish I talked to still and I wish I could hang out with still. He was a great guy. A fun guy. A musician guy. He was funny and I miss adventures with him. I miss being silly with him. I in no way want to date him again, I just wish our friendship wasn't ruined because of "feelings".
Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?
Now, seeing two friends who a week ago barely touched eachother and now are holding hands, I am wondering who would want me? Not that I feel like no one will want to pursue me, but I feel like who's going to take on this challenge? Who out there is brave enough and motivated enough to pursue this woman who takes months to give you a hug let alone hold hands. This woman who perhaps seems confident on the outside and has even been known to be intimidating to men, yet she has no real grip of who she really is. She is scared of the future, yet wants it to come so badly. She wants to really be confident, but doesn't know where to begin. This girl who likes to start trends and wear Cosby-like sweaters. A girl who absolutely loves Prince and knows almost everything there is to know about The Beatles. She can sing in her car like a rockstar, but talk like a high school mathlete nerd on the phone. A woman who really wants to truly fall in love with Jesus. A girl who loves sleeping with the family poodle and hates asparagus. A girl who takes a while to get out of her shell and is so terrified that people will lose interest because it's taking her so long to warm up. A woman who absolutely loves the idea of living overseas forever but doesn't know where God wants her. A girl who finally enjoys wearing dresses now as a 22 year old, but threw temper tantrums as a 7 year old if her mother made her even think of putting one on. A woman who writes things out much better than she could ever say them over the phone or in person. A girl who stutters when she talks sometimes, but can sing like an angel. I can say that because I need to be confident. I need to know who I am. I need to know that I am beautiful and valuable. Just because some lame guy doesn't think the world of me doesn't mean that I am not amazing. I am wonderful. I am gorgeous. I am attractive. I am funny. I am witty. I am compassionate. I am loving. I shouldn't always need other people to tell me these things. I should be able to stand up by myself. I mean, I always have my Father with me. He's always there to help. It certainly doesn't hurt to have people re-affirm these characteristics. I believe those are the first steps to becoming who you are in Christ. He is my identity. He is my sought after personality. He is my strength and my hope and my everything. If I just knew Him better I would know myself better. I heard once that Jesus went into the wilderness a little unknown of who He was and came out with an identity. He needed that wilderness walk to confirm that He was the son of God. Not that He ever doubted God or anything, but he was 100% human...and I'm sure 100% of humans aren't sure of who they are at one point in their life. I thank the Lord this wilderness is almost over, but I am crying out to Him as well to show me my identity. To bring me into who I really am with Him. For Him. In Him. By Him. I am His, but who am I?
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