Why can't we all, all just be honest?

Spilling my guts out via cyberspace mail could not have come at a worse time. It just happened to come out of me mere days before a mutual friend died. Why couldn't I have done it earlier, or waited way later? I guess these things all happen for some sort of reason. Reasons unknown to me and everyone else involved.

Why is it a 24 year old girl full of life and love suddenly died in her hostel of "natural causes?" Why did it have to be in that city where the taliban just swooped upon? Perhaps she was going to experience far more terrifying things and so God prevented that. I wish I could just take a glimpse into God's reasoning. But then where would my faith be?

It's hard waiting for answers. Waiting for e-mails. Waiting for autopsy results.

Work seems meaningless right now, as does spending money on anything. I don't know where I am right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally, financially, musically. However, things are changing. Things are happening. Maybe I don't know where I am because I have always been somewhere I don't belong and now I am finally moving into a place where I was always supposed to exist. "You have found this place where you belong." That's what a prophetic guy from Canada said to me in India. At the time I thought he was talking about India, and at the time I didn't want to belong there. In hindsight, I know I belong there for a while but also know that he didn't mean India specifically. I think he was speaking of a different plane. I found that balance of all things in my life, perhaps not being exactly right, but all heading towards the right direction. Which is where I always should be--heading the right direction.

Somehow, of all the new music I have received and purchased lately, I cannot stop listening to Lily Allen's new album. It shows that she has grown up a lot. Musically and emotionally. It's inspiring to me. Her first album was quite awhile ago, but it really does take time to grow up, to mature, to figure out who you are. I may not be writing many songs right now, but I cannot wait until I figure out myself and my Creator a little bit more, then I'll be unstoppable!

Life is hard most of the time. But I will rejoice! I know the truth. I am light. I am salt. I am loved. I am forgiven. I have a seal. I know where I belong. The trouble is getting there. Fortunately, I have the greatest help this world has ever known.

I won't worry my life away, I won't worry this life away

My spirit is groaning. My head is moaning.
My body is bending. My heart is mending.
My feet are curling. My hips are twirling.
My senses are smiling. My stomach is crying.
My life is turning. My emotions are burning.

I long to write a song.
I have studied 11 books so far!
Why haven't I written a song?

It is okay though, I don't need to write a song.
I think I would only do it for myself.
That needs to change before I can write.

I keep forgetting that God waits for me to wake up in the morning.
I wake up and don't notice him sitting there next to my bed.
I find it more important to get rid of my morning breath than acknowledge him.

It is hard to fast in India.
It is easy to fast from the food on campus, but hard to fast from eating snacks.
Especially Wheat Things and Dark Chocolate.
I saw the chocolate doughnut at Coffee Day yesterday and even though I had already eaten it and did not approve, it still looked good. I would have ordered it again hoping it would have been different.
It would not have been different.
Who knows how long those things sit in there.
I know the Chocolate Fantasy is good just like I know the Tropical Iceberg is good.
That is my drink of choice.
Tropical iceberg.
An oxymoron.
There's also nothing tropical about it.
It's just like a mocha frappuccino.

How can I conceal what is in my heart?
For so long I have allowed it to sit out on my arm letting all see and know what mood it is in.
I must conceal my heart this time.
Its feelings are pointless most of the time.
Although sometimes I wonder if it is hurtful to deny my heart its feelings and emotions.
Won't it only hurt in the long run if I bottle these things up inside me?
What right do I have to let them out anyway.

I don't know very much about someone before I fall in love.
I wish I could wait.
I can never wait.
For me it is always love at first sight.
Never love at wait a few months down the road and see how you feel.
For me relationships are like new albums.
You have all this bands previous albums and so the built up anticipation for this album is killing you!
You love it before you have even listened to it!
The new single off of it is so thrilling and amazing and beautiful!
So, the day the album finally comes out you frantically purchase it and bring it home.
You put it in a CD player, or on your laptop, and listen to it.
You immediately like the first song, maybe second, then the single which you already know is good.
As you continue listening to it you realize that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be.
You think, "maybe if I keep listening to it it will grow on me!"
Three days later you forgot about it and would rather listen to anything but that.
That is how my mind and heart work with men.

Come into my world I've got to show, show, show you, Come into my bed I've got to know, know, know you

This weekend is my final time playing music at The Crossing at Woodland Fellowship (I refuse to call it anything else). The band for Sunday morning is pretty sweet. I mean, if you were a girl like me you'd want to date everyone in the band. There's a new boy I've never met playing bass, and he's beautiful. There's the usual Sunday morning guy who looks like he'd be my type, there's also a guitarist who is pretty cute too and once again my type, lastly there's the drummer, who is the only one I'd ever consider dating but is too young to play that game. Funny how the only one of all the attractive men I'm playing music with I actually have a slight crush on is 17 years old.

Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Perhaps I am a Cougar after all.

It's been awhile since I wrote in here. Not too terribly long, but long enough. You'd think I'd have tons of stuff to write about, but I do not. Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now except for the fact that I'm leaving in TWELVE DAYS TO MOVE TO INDIA. That's a little big, but I'm trying not to look at it. I'm trying to live every moment present. Present in the moment. I'm afraid I might burn out before I leave trying to make plans with everyone, and I feel like I'm hanging out with some people more than others and there are already people I have said my final good-bye to. I can't handle this. I'm ready to check out, but that's not what I really want. But it is hard to believe I leave not this Thursday, but next Thursday. Too soon! Too soon!

There are only two famous people I want to meet before I die. They are the only two people I would actually be disappointed with my life if I didn't meet them. One is Sufjan Stevens. He is a musical genius and I would love to just shake his hand. That's all I need. Jason Mraz on the other hand I want to sing one song with him. That is all.

I was going to try to take a nap today, but I believe it won't happen. Unless I fall asleep immediately. Then I'd get a decent nap out of today. I might try actually.

I miss my soul-mate and regret not calling her once more before she left. She truly is the most beautiful person on this earth to me.

No one's ever gonna love you more than I do

This past weekend I assumed I would sell most of my CDs. That didn't happen. I only sold 13. It is better than nothing, but it still upset me a little. I need to stop holding high expectations for everything. Wouldn't it be great if we could have high expectations for everything and still get blown out of the water all the time! They say to have low expectations then you can't possibly be disappointed, but what if we always had high ones and were never disappointed? That is what happens with God I think. We have such high expectations for human beings, but with God for some reason we have low expectations. Just because He doesn't do something immediately we assume He's never going to do it, or answer our prayers. We must be persistent. He needs to know our prayers aren't just whims like when my kids used to watch TV and a commercial would come on about any toy they'd all say they want it, but they'd forget about it the next hour. That is exactly how I am with God most of the time. I pray for whims. I mean, at the time they sound good to me, but I forget that I even prayed about it by the end of the day. Things I've been persistent about in prayer are finances, eternity (what it's going to be like), India (i'm terrified), and I don't know what else actually.

Today I got a phone call from the church I sold 13 CDs at this past weekend and someone at that church randomly wrote a check for me and put it in the offering! Not just a little sum of money either! So, it pays to be persistent. God really does have the biggest wallet ever and is free to give money to whomever he chooses, however he chooses. I think it's a confirmation. God is saying "Even though you're not working this month I can still provide you with your weekly salary. Don't worry about a thing. I got this and I love you."

Sometimes I think God is too good to me. I know I don't deserve anything, and even today I was going to fast, but when I woke up I thought, "I could start tomorrow" even though I don't even feel hungry! Here's what I think I'll do. I won't eat out cause I have no money to spare, unless someone feels generous enough to pay for me. Then I'll eat or drink or whatever. But for the next 23 days I'm not paying for anything. Period.

I love sneezing, but I have sneezed around 234 times in the last two days. I'm ready to kill myself. Could someone die of sneezing too much? Maybe.

Peaches is having a dream right next to me. Perhaps she's chasing a squirrel or rabbit somewhere. Maybe my Mom has come home and she's excited to see her. I wonder what dogs could possibly dream about. I dream about crazy intricate things that don't ever make sense once I wake up, but seem so real when I'm asleep. She dreams about bacon and small furry animals. What a life.

I once fell in love with you just because the sky turned from grey into blue

I am stressed. Stressed, stressed, stressed. I am on the shortest fuse. I hate my life. I am so dramatic and emotional right now. I hate this. It's all my choice too. I had a good weekend alone at the cabin. God told me great things. Why can't I keep those at the front of my mind back in the working world? Money is stressful even though I have an over-abundance of it right now. Besides that though, checks aren't coming in and I need a farewell show soon. Anybody got a venue?

Reading is the only thing that calms me, reading and sleep, that is if I can manage to fall asleep. Lately I've been up all night worrying about things and then when I do fall asleep I dream about them and it worries me even more. Golly. Can't someone just clean out my mind? Just take a rag and wipe out everything. Everything must go! Use bleach if you have to. I just don't want to think about anything anymore.

Isn't My heart stretched out towards you to bless you? Didn't I say that I would shelter and protect you and be your strongest support? Give Me your entire being. I am your loving Father. I know your every need even before you need it. My provisions are not only sure, but full and overflowing, so that you may confess like the Psalmist, "I shall never want." You will see with a vision denied to many, for your heart is pure, and to the pure of heart is given the promise that they shall see God. How much more glorious than to behold the beauty of a thousand sunsets! How much more thrilling than the sight of the fairest faces ever to grace this earth!

I shall reveal Myself to you and you will know Me face to face, as Moses did. You will walk with Me and talk with Me and I will hold your hand and will be like a brother, like a friend. I will never leave you, and in the darkness I will be a light to you. In joy I will be an added comfort and in sorrow I will be the peace that surpasses understanding.

Don't look to man to tell you more about Me. Look to Me directly, for I will reveal Myself to you in a personal way and ways of which no other person could tell you. I will be as personal and dear to you as I was to John, the Beloved. I will take you aside as I did Peter and talk to you about things that concern you alone. I am not the God of congregations, but of the individual, and I am as concerned for you as I was for Abraham, Joseph, or David.

You are never one of many to Me. You are precious and dear to my heart like a special treasure. For I love you more than you can comprehend, and I long to gather you in My embrace and hold you close to My heart. Do not hold Me at arms length because you have a sense of unworthiness. Have you not read that the redeemed are brought near by the blood of Christ? Your sins are not covered, they are wiped away completely! They are not only forgiven, but forgotten!

Be as the prodigal embraced by his father. Though he would have resisted for a moment, he swiftly accepted his father's forgiveness and reciprocated his love and affection.

I, too, would bring you into My house and spread for you a feast of blessings, and place upon you the garment of praise, the ring of relationship, and the sandals of peace. Come, for all things are prepared for you and nothing will be denied.

Golly, I love this book. It always speaks to me. God always speaks to me through it. It's refreshing and humbling. It makes me want to lay and spend the day in bed with Him. In His embrace and listening to His heart beat. I wish I could actually do that. Lord, let me see your face like Moses did.

I have 3 days left of work and that seems too long for me. I never want to be a nanny again. I don't know how people can do this for years. I don't think I can do anything for years. I always need to change things up. I could never be stuck in a job for more than 5 years. I have to travel and experience new things. I have to go, go, go. Someday I'll be asked to stay, but today isn't that day.

Pray for Northern India. They had major monsoon flooding today. A million people are trapped.

I know you don't know what life is really worth

I am quickly losing heart for my children. This job is so hard most of the time. I am counting down the hours until my day is done, counting down the days until the week is done, and counting down the weeks until I am done here. I have one week left of this difficult job. I think I make it more difficult than it really is. I mean, how hard is it to hang out with three young kids all day? How about you come and take one of these days for me and you will have your eyes opened to the hell that is my job. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids, at least that's what I keep telling myself. Today I realized that maybe I don't actually love them as much as I thought I did. The past year they have worn down my love, my mind, my heart, my stamina, everything within me has been affected. I think even the way I view God and my friends and family has been changed. It's so hard to know my outlook on people has changed because of these three kids, but really it's not their faults at all! It's the way I have chosen to handle them and their issues. I choose to be crabby. I choose to yell. I choose to punish. I choose to be lazy. I feel like "what does it matter to change anything now? I have 5 days left." But it does matter, and I do need to change something. Even as I type this they are fighting. Ay carumba. I just want to put them all in their bedrooms, close the door, and never let them out. They can't fight if they don't get to see each other. Then, maybe tomorrow, when they get to come out and see each other after a day of solitude, maybe they will be happy to see each other and show love to each other. It's hard to love kids that don't love each other.

I have been feeling like because I want to partake in fleshly desires and because I don't love my children that God isn't going to provide for me to go to India. I don't know why I'm thinking this way. I know that He doesn't give according to what you deserve. I mean that's what grace is all about. I have a tainted view of God and his reasons for doing things. He doesn't really need a reason. I can't wrap my mind around that.

I almost cried yesterday. I almost cried two days ago as well. I am so sensitive. I hide it most of the time and keep it all inside me. If someone does something that offends me or hurts my little feelings I don't ever say anything. I have been keeping a lot of these inside for a long time now, and I think they're trying to get out. This weekend is going to be much needed.

Tomorrow night I am driving to my cabin. Alone. I will stay there through Sunday. I am going to spend all that time alone with God. I have never done this before and I am so excited! I just want this week to be over with so I can get up there and weep, sing, love, pray, confess, repent, cry out, you get the idea. So, if you think about me at all this weekend, pray that I get some answers. Answers to what? I am not even sure yet, but I want to come home with a glowing face, like Moses. Wouldn't that be sweet?

I really would like to bless the family I have worked with for the last year and three months. I don't know how I am going to do that. I know how I can bless the kids next week. I was thinking of taking them to the Minnesota Zoo or the Science museum or something. But, as for the parents, I am not sure. I was going to make them a mix CD of love songs, but that seems stupid. I'd like to watch the kids sometime to let them go out some night and have a nice dinner.

I leave in 45 days to go to the most foreign place I will ever encounter. India scares me. It is an intimidating country. 1 billion people live there! 1 billion! People! Cows fill the streets along with Lamborghinis and prostitutes. Lord, what are you doing with my life?

I'm on a roll, I want the whole enchilada, I'm on a roll, from the thrift store to prada

I really am on a roll! I can't stop thinking. Sometimes I believe my thinking gets the best of me. I hate that I fall in love so easily. It's not even love. It's like as soon as a man pays attention to me I go crazy! I can't stop thinking about it so now when I see this person next I'm going to make an absolute fool out of myself because I've been thinking about him all effing week long! Oh Lord, I know this is happening before I go to India for some stupid reason. It'll be nice to get away from this country for awhile. I totally and fully believe we need to start changing the United States, our home, before we go out "into all the world" and I'm not going to India for anything other than studying. I want to come back with a passion for this country and a love for our own people. I don't want to hate this country. I don't want to feel like it's a waste of time. I want to be a pioneer in America. That might be harder to do here than a different place, but that's why it needs to happen. I went to New Zealand because it was going to be hard. I went to Vanuatu because I knew it would be the most challenging place to live. I am going to India because I'm terrified of it. I feel comfortable here, but I know that once I start becoming uncomfortable here it will begin the most uncomfortable time of my life!

Sometimes I don't want to fall asleep because I know what I'm going to dream about. Last night was one of those times. I must stop feeding the fire.

I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray.

India is intimidating. It is huge. It is full of people that speak Hindi. It has foods my body won't be used to. There will be cattle roaming the streets. I can only stay in the country for six months at a time. I need $3,000 more dollars for my school plus I have to make payments on my credit card and my compassion child. Lord, take away my fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations, and doubts that come with this SBS. Nothing is ever easy.

I am tired of just simply surviving every week. I survive day after day with the kids to get to the weekend, then I fill my weekend up with plans and then before I know it I'm back to surviving the work week again. I want to be compassionate towards my children and I want to have mercy on them. It is so hard to not be cranky around them because they fight with each other all the time. I don't know how they can show so little love towards one another. I try so hard to show them love, but not hard enough I guess. I am not getting through.

I must stick with a strict sleeping schedule again. Life was good when I did that a few months back. It must start again this upcoming week. I need to stop going to bed at one in the morning only to get 6 hours of sleep. Ba humbug!

Working out is pretty easy to me now. At least the lifting weights part. Not so much the aerobic/cardio part. Also, the eating part is hard too. I cannot stop eating sweets. I love me some calories! I actually conquered a desire for ice cream today though! Usually when I want something I get it. Horrible. I need to stop that. I must think about fruit or vegetables as a delectable dessert. That way I can eat those all I want, when I want, and not feel bad about it later!

O Father, let me not lose sight of you tomorrow at work. Show me how to be compassionate and merciful to these kids. Be my hands and feet. Speak through me to them and love through me to them. I do love them, but I am afraid it does not show most of the time. Let me be an adult around them when it comes to serious things, but be fun when it comes to playing.

I eat my candy with pork and beans

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.
For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
- matthew 6:13-14 -

I looked at a whole ton of pictures today of the Lonavala campus at the U of N Pune. That is the exact campus I will be staying at while I am in India. The pictures I thought, would help ease my mind on the craziness of India, but they did not at all. In fact they did the exact opposite. I did not see hardly any "Americans" in the pictures, granted they were taken a few years ago. I still was worried that I would be the only person from the U.S. there. Why does this scare me? I usually run with the idea of spending time with people of other cultures. My favorite people in New Zealand were the Koreans, and I fell in love with a Fijian! I jump at the opportunity to be with people who aren't familiar with the "American" way of life. I should be even more excited to go to India because of this observation, yet I am hardly there. All I can think is, "this is going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done!", "This is going to be so hard!", "what am I getting myself into?" Which is exactly what God wants. It's a hard way, a narrow way, but the only way. I am so thankful I didn't choose Montana or England. Although England isn't sounding so bad. But, New Zealand wasn't a far off stretch from the American culture. India is going to be a whole new ball game. Nothing familiar at all. Even in Europe it was easy. Vanuatu was hard, but not incredibly crowded, and a very simple way of life.

My promises are of no avail to you except as you apply and appropriate them by faith. In your daily walk, you will be victorious only to the degree that you trust Me. I can help you only as you ask. I will meet you at every point where you put action alongside prayers. Only as you walk will the waters of adversity be parted before you. Overburdened as the world is with trouble and sickness, I need those who have proved My sufficiency in everyday, personal experience to lead the suffering to the fountains of life. I need those who have found Me as burden-bearer to help bring deliverance to the oppressed...
...No case is too hard for Me. Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. "Faith and Action" - Francis J. Roberts

People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous

Oh my goodness.
I am so nervous about this India business. I feel like there are 7,432 things I need to do before I leave and right now it seems so complicated and hard and nerve-wracking and terrifying and impossible and unrealistic. But I know that with God all things are possible! Why, this time, do I doubt His provision and His peace? Why am I so worried about this? I must bring this into the light.

I am not working tomorrow because I'm afraid I have tonsillitis and I don't want the family to get it. It doesn't hurt much, but it's annoying having a swollen throat and when I sleep it seems to get worse. Because I'm not working tomorrow I think I'll go somewhere quiet and spend the day with my Father. That would be amazing. I pray the weather is nice tomorrow so I can go hide away in nature somewhere. I want to write a song tomorrow! I want to hear your voice tomorrow! I want to find a piece of my identity tomorrow! I want to feel peace tomorrow! I want to intercede tomorrow! I want to see your glory tomorrow!

I am getting overwhelmed here. So many things are going on in my life right now. I am looking to move home from St. Paul, but the same time I'm supposed to try to move home my family is moving to a new house and we're supposed to be having this giant rummage sale for me! I also have to apply for a Visa for India sooner than later but not too soon. I need plane tickets which is turning out to be hard since my return flight is too far in the future for them to book anything. I must get $8,000 dollars somewhere. I can't think about this anymore. I'll be up all night tossing and turning wondering how this stuff is going to fall into place if I write anymore about it.

Father, I know you are in control of this. I know that you will provide for me. I give my concerns and worries to you right now. Please calm my body and my senses and my nerves. Make my heart HUGE! I want to not be concerned with how things are going to get accomplished but work on healing things before I leave. Please put my priorities in the right places. Reveal to me what my priorities should be this week so that I can work on them in a good way, a pleasing way to you. I only want to glorify you with this decision and stressing out about all the details isn't doing that. I want to trust you completely. I want to be open with friends and family here and share my worries and doubts. I pray that you'll bring me confirmation for India so that I have an awesome testimony to how great you are.

May the Lord do what is good in His sight.

Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money

Money is the root of all evil. No joke!

I have certain things coming up I must pay for. You know, like my tabs have expired so I need $103.50 for them. Also, I need to pay my car insurance $76 before the 15th or my insurance is kaput... I don't know how this happened. Rent is due today. There goes $420. I am regretting moving into an apartment. I can't leave now. Why is it so hard for me to not eat out? It's one of the hardest things for me to give up! I must do it though. I must. I must also stop eating so much. It's hard for me to stop. I eat and eat and eat and now I'm getting fatter. I'm just going to say it. Don't throw me a pity party. I know i'm not a fat person, but I'm on my way! It's just hard for me to not eat sweets. I love them way too much! It's ridiculous. Lord, take away my sweet tooth please or give me incredible metabolism!

I think my love language that I use on others is gifts. I get so much joy out of making things for people. CDs, cards, paintings, books, journals, collages, even writing songs! It's what I love to do. Create for others.

Any day now I should hear from India whether or not I've been accepted into this school of theirs. I'm a little anxious. A little excited. A little nervous. It's nerve wracking waiting around to be told if you can go somewhere or not. Not that I couldn't go to India if I wasn't accepted. I just couldn't go to this school. A whole lot of other money issues arise when I start talking about this too, so I will stop now.

I'm deciding if I should wait for my sleepy headed roommate to wake up to eat breakfast or just eat it now alone. I hope she wakes up soon.

Pray for me. Everything. I feel like cutting myself off from people. I hate that feeling. I feel like running and never stopping. I love that feeling, but it's cold and snowy outside.