Well I'm off chasing my own dreams...

I cannot decide if I'm falling in love or if I'm just simply loving the fact that someone loves me. He really cares about me. He really does love me. He really does make me laugh. He really is a sweetheart. He looks out for me. He keeps me in check with my heart. He makes me noodles when I'm sick. He apologizes for not responding to an SMS. He gave me his bandanna while he's gone for the week. He wrote a song for me. He calls me every night. He gives me space when I need it without asking questions. He's happy just to see me from across the room. He likes the real me, even though I haven't quite showed that to him yet. He has the greatest memory in the world which really compliments my lack of memory. He told me he wants me to be the last girl he kisses. The last girl he calls "his". The last girl he loves. How can I comprehend the way he loves me when I do not even love myself. Girls still struggle with loving themselves even when they're being pursued and truly loved by a man. This is what I always wanted, and I thought this would make my self-image struggles melt away, but I realize now that the only person that can cause me to love myself is God, and also myself. No one else can help me see who I truly am through God's eyes but us. Me and God. He is my true Love. My one true Father who loves me perfectly, clearly, truly, honestly, steadfastly, never-ending, never-failing, righteous, holy, pure, amazing, beautiful love. That's how my God loves me.


So I'll cross my heart
And hope to die
Before I have a chance to lie
To you my dear
Who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray before too long
So please just listen when I sing this song
I sing this song

I'm a new soul

Dear Lord Jesus, why is this happening to me? Now I know there aren't many times I ask you this question, but this is one of those times. I'm not expecting any answer because that's the answer I usually get in difficult situations. How is this situation difficult? I'd tell you, but you're omniscient. I already wrote it all out in another journal for you. Oh my goodness gracious.

Come into my world I've got to show, show, show you, Come into my bed I've got to know, know, know you

This weekend is my final time playing music at The Crossing at Woodland Fellowship (I refuse to call it anything else). The band for Sunday morning is pretty sweet. I mean, if you were a girl like me you'd want to date everyone in the band. There's a new boy I've never met playing bass, and he's beautiful. There's the usual Sunday morning guy who looks like he'd be my type, there's also a guitarist who is pretty cute too and once again my type, lastly there's the drummer, who is the only one I'd ever consider dating but is too young to play that game. Funny how the only one of all the attractive men I'm playing music with I actually have a slight crush on is 17 years old.

Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Perhaps I am a Cougar after all.

It's been awhile since I wrote in here. Not too terribly long, but long enough. You'd think I'd have tons of stuff to write about, but I do not. Nothing exciting is happening in my life right now except for the fact that I'm leaving in TWELVE DAYS TO MOVE TO INDIA. That's a little big, but I'm trying not to look at it. I'm trying to live every moment present. Present in the moment. I'm afraid I might burn out before I leave trying to make plans with everyone, and I feel like I'm hanging out with some people more than others and there are already people I have said my final good-bye to. I can't handle this. I'm ready to check out, but that's not what I really want. But it is hard to believe I leave not this Thursday, but next Thursday. Too soon! Too soon!

There are only two famous people I want to meet before I die. They are the only two people I would actually be disappointed with my life if I didn't meet them. One is Sufjan Stevens. He is a musical genius and I would love to just shake his hand. That's all I need. Jason Mraz on the other hand I want to sing one song with him. That is all.

I was going to try to take a nap today, but I believe it won't happen. Unless I fall asleep immediately. Then I'd get a decent nap out of today. I might try actually.

I miss my soul-mate and regret not calling her once more before she left. She truly is the most beautiful person on this earth to me.