Thoughts Results of Static Cling.

Does he realize how hurtful his words are most of the time?
I am pretty sure he has no idea.
I am so ready to go home.
and by "home" I mean that wonderful far-away place that is incredibly warm.
Warm in climate, and emotions.
I miss my family there.
I miss my friends there.
I miss the busyness and the stress.
I hate not having anything to do.
I hate that I am not cherishing every moment with him because of the hurtful things he unknowingly says.
My heart is cold here.
That is something I am not okay with.
It is also something I cannot seem to help.

How weird is it knowing there is a person out there who looks exactly like your dad and oldest brother?
Someone you do not even know.
Someone you do not remember ever talking to or being around.
Someone you know almost nothing about.
A brother from another mother, but the same father.
One who seriously looks like a clone image of my father and oldest brother.
It is quite strange.
Sometimes I want to sit and listen to his stories.
Most of the time I don't.
Sometimes I want to sit and tell him how much he has hurt us all.
Most of the time I don't even want to think about it.
Sometimes I want him to come back like the prodigal son.
But I know that my dad won't mimic the father in that story.

Does he realize his lack of faith is causing me to doubt my own?
He does not even know who I am anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if he ever did.
It hurts to love someone so much, and have it feel unrequited.
How can that love be unrequited?
I cannot talk to him about this because I will only weep the entire time.
I don't even know if I want him to know how much I hurt when I am around him.
How terrified I am to bring home the one I love because he is so good at discouraging people.
That is not something anyone should be good at.
And the last person I want him to discourage is the one I love.
I can handle it because I have had to handle it my whole life.
But that isn't how it is supposed to be.