Poor little rich girl.

I found out about this awesome free concert at the Landmark Center every Thursday. It was on a kid's website, so I assumed kids would like it. I decided to take Ryley. It started at noon and it said to bring your own lunch to eat there. We went to Whole Foods and bought some bread and lunch meat for sandwiches then we went to the bank to get some cash for parking. Arriving at my apartment we made our sandwiches and packed our cookies and fruit for a nice, healthy lunch in downtown St. Paul.

We got to the Landmark Center about 25 minutes early, so we kinda walked around for a bit. I parked at a meter. I decided meters suck. They cost 1.75 for 1 hour and you can only put an hour in it at a time! If you put more in it does not matter. So incredibly lame. Like I was going to leave in the middle of the concert to put more money in the meter. So, we went back into the car for a few minutes to warm up and waste time before heading into the building. I put my keys in cup holder as I usually do, and before I knew it it was time to go inside! So we get out of the car and as most of you know we have to manually lock all the doors cause my key button does not work, so I locked and closed my door, then I reminded Ryley to lock her door before she closed it. She of course had forgotten until I reminded her and 45 seconds after closing the doors and walking towards the building I realized my keys were still in my cup holder inside my car. Now this is my first experience with locking my keys in my car. It has never happened in my 5 years of driving until this very moment. Fortunately I had my wallet with me and I am a AAA platinum member, so I called AAA and they said someone would be out in the next hour.

We went up to see the concert and as I walked into the room all I saw was a sea of grey. It was all elderly people who came to these concerts apparently. Ryley and I stuck out like a sore thumb. It was cool though. They had a three-piece ensemble today. A basoon, Oboe, and Flute. It was too loud for Ryley though and we left after the first song, plus I was really nervous we wouldn't be outside in time for the AAA guy. So, we went downstairs and outside to eat our lunch and wait for the phone call to say the tow truck was 5 minutes away.

As we're eating a man walks up to me and asks if I have any money for him. He said he hasn't eaten in 4 days. I am a bit reluctant to give him money because all I had was a 5 and a 10 I thought "if only I had a few ones I'd be quick to give" but I gave him my $5 and he said thank you and walked away. He said he was going to go to Chipotle, but walked in the other direction. So, as I'm sitting there wondering if I really should have done that Ryley says, "That guy was nice!" and I said, "yeah, i guess, he wasn't mean" and she said, "I can't believe he hasn't eaten in 4 days! That's so long." and then it hit me. She's 4 years old. She pretty much believes anything she sees or hears and it reminded me of having faith like a child. He said he hadn't eaten for 4 days, so I have to take his word for it. Ryley genuinely felt bad for him because she didn't know anything else. I want that. We're constantly surrounded by people who say not to give them money cause they'll just spend it on cigarettes or alcohol, but what about the people who are telling the truth when they say they haven't eaten for days or need a bus ticket? They get nothing because of the others who lie? That's so dumb. We get so angry because people make assumptions about a race or a religion or a country because a handful of people did something horrible, when in all actuality the majority is alright!

Okay, so major soapbox there.

Anyway, the AAA woman came a little after 1:00. Yes, I said woman. She unlocked my door in like 1 minute and was the most friendly person I've ever met! She told me a few pointers about my car and complimented my shoes and told me of some kind of like it I can buy at payless with a AAA discount! Who knew? Then she complimented me on the use of my e-brake. I liked that cause everyone makes fun of me for using it, but my dad told me to, and she said the same thing my dad did. "you don't use it ,you lose it" so here I am talking to this woman about nannying and cars. It was great. I reckon I should call AAA and give my regards.

So, pretty good day all in all. I wasn't even mad that I locked my keys in the car. it was a fun adventure!

Carbon Monoxide. Soon I'll go to sleep.

Okay, so I admit, I am more depressed than I think I have ever been in my life. There are few triggers of this. One that includes an asshole I cannot seem to forget no matter how hard I try. Life was good in New Zealand away from this person for 5 months. I was happy, but ever since I've been home this jerkwad has caused nothing but pain, low self-esteem, and heartache. Granted it wasn't all the SOB's fault. If I could practice self-control I would be okay right now, but I am not the confident woman I try to be. It seems as though I cannot become this confident woman I wish so hard for. I don't know the steps to take to get there at least. I always tell myself if I just read my Bible more often. If I just pray for other people more often. If I just stop eating so much. If I just start working out again on a regular basis. If I could just stop spending my money on useless crap. If, If, If, If, If, If, IF!!!

Another trigger of my depression is friends. I know my worth should not be based on how many friends I have, but damn, I don't have many anymore. You go overseas for awhile and make a bunch of new friends then come home and none of the other ones want to hang out anymore. Mostly because you only talk about the new ones, and mostly because you have changed a lot and your old friends don't so much like the new you, or at least that's what you think. I used to be involved. I used to be committed. Now I'm disconnected and apathetic for the most part. Don't think this is YWAM's fault. Don't blame them. They have been nothing short of amazing in my life. It is of course my fault. I lost my passion somewhere along the way. I seem to have misplaced my value. My integrity has gone missing. All because of me. There's no one to blame here but me for all of this.

Work is a bit stressful, but in no way is it depressing. I just feel worn out at the end of every week. Which is the way you should feel I guess when you have a full-time job. Especially one with children. It's like a taste of motherhood before I'm even dating anywone. It almost turns me off to the whole "I want 3 boys" dream I've always had. Though, I don't think anything could ever turn me off to the whole "I want to get married someday" dream.

Speaking of getting married. That is another depressing factor in my life. Everyone is getting married. Or has already gotten married. I used to be great friends with some of them. After people get married they change. Heck, before people get married they change. I hope that I'm one that doesn't change too much. I still will hopefully answer my phone after I get married. But no worries yet, I don't see that happening for maybe a decade. I'm what you call a "sister" figure to every boy I've ever loved. Or thought I loved. I talked to a nice guy today at a music store on Snelling. I bet as he was talking to me he thought to himself, "she reminds me of my sister." Perhaps I am such a sister-type person because that's all I've ever been. A sister. I used to hang out with the guys and thought nothing of it...up until I started liking guys, then it all went downhill. I'm the type of person who falls in like with someone so quickly. I don't know how it even happens. 2 minutes ago I didn't know you existed, now you're all I can think about. Have I been cursed? Someone lay hands on me and pray now!

I miss the intensity of intercession and worship in New Zealand. I'm glad The Edge is here every so often on Saturdays. I don't know what I'd do without that. Probably become an alcoholic and sleep around. I need to get into the swing of things again. I need to start up a new chapter in my life. I'm almost 22! I have to grow up sometime! Am i right? I need to have the faith of a child, but mature in my faith? How the hell does that even make sense? I mean seriously. God is confusing. All the time. Not just sometimes. All the time. I will never understand Him or know Him. Why even try you might ask, well, when I do try I am a better person. Not all the time. Only a little bit of the time really. Most of the time I hate my life and everything in it and I do really dumb things, but there's always that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll do something awesome for a stranger, or a friend, or a family member. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe tomorrow I'll change the world. Maybe tomorrow I'll do better. Maybe tomorrow God will speak to me. Then, one of these things does happen eventually and it makes the months of hard work all seem like nothing. You forget them alltogether and only focus on the Holy. The happy. The miracle. After a few days you might get back into a slump, but you never forget that one amazing moment and hope for another one and press on into the darkness that is life. I can't see where I'm going. I don't know what to expect. I do know though, that He is always with me. Jesus is here. Right now. I'm the one that leaves him behind. Well, I go behind while He sticks around just waiting for me to realize what I was doing before this thing distracted me. Lord, I'm sick of distractions. I wish they didn't exist, but thank you for them. Every single thing that makes life hard is not a mistake. It is what it is. Hard. It eventually moves on. Thank you for refining me more and more. Most of all, thank you for being powerful and creating all things; for allowing the hurt and sadness; for loving me always, through thick and thin. You are my all in all. This is true. I am weak now Lord, please be my strength. Only You can change me.

Go away from my window.

Feelings. Why must we have them? I hate them sometimes. I like them sometimes. Right now I hate them.

I had a dream two nights ago that was a little frightening. Do you ever have dreams where someone or something bad is after you and you suddenly cannot talk? As hard as you try to call for help or say anything you just can't get anything out. Like your throat stops working. I had another one of those dreams last night, but i was about to take a bath and suddenly heard someone say my name quietly, then all of a sudden this shadow jumped out at me and said my name again and I tried to say "Jesus Christ" over and over but could not get it out.

On a lighter note...the band I am in played a show on Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday's show was awesome! It was at the neighbor's house of my nanny family. They had a huge end of Summer luau and there were a ton of people there and they loved us! It was our first paying gig. Hopefully not our last. Then, Sunday we played at the Underground Music Cafe. It was their 2 year anniversary and their last one ever. It was sad they're done cause that's pretty much the only place we play since Segue closed. Now we have nothing. Nowhere. Sunday's show wasn't as amazing cause we were all pretty tired and somewhat lethargic. Plus we were nervous for some strange reason. I attributed it all to the fact that we did not pray before we played.
I need more prayer in my life. Lots more.

I am trying to be like those confident women. You know the ones who you never hear utter a word about men. They always talk about God, their families, or work. Just life in general, but they never include the topic of "men". I am going to try to eliminate "men" from my vocabulary. I want to be one of those confident women. Ones who don't care so much how others, especially men, perceive them.

I'm finding myself wanting to become inredibly passionate about Christ, but lacking the motivation to do so.

I Don't Want to Waste Your Time

I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need
Why should I autograph the book
That you won’t even read
I’ve got a different scar for every song
And blood left still to bleed
But I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around
I love to laugh but I’m more than just
Your alcoholic clown
I won’t pray this prayer with you
Unless we both kneel down
I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around

Come on lighten up
Let me fill your cup
I’m just trying to imagine a situation
Where we might have a real conversation

But I don’t wanna waste the words
That you don’t seem to need
When it comes to wanting what’s real
There’s no such thing as greed
I hope this night puts down deep roots
I hope we plant a seed
‘Cause I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

The Devil's in the details

I feel like I am slowly, very slowly, drifting. Drifting on a sea of nothing and nowhere. I want to go somewhere. I want to do something.

I went on a blind date last weekend. Ha! I guess it's just one of those things you've always wanted to do until you actually do it, then you never want to do it again. Funny story I can tell later on in life. Those are always good to have. You can never have too many humorous moments in life. I feel like I don't have enough!

Over the Rhine released a new album yesterday. It is amazing. I don't know what I would do without them in my life. All thanks to a good old friend a long time ago I have a forever favorite band. I only pray I can end up like Karen and her husband. The two sole members of Over the Rhine. A man and his wife in love doing what they love...and they're damn good at it!

I'm ready for a vacation even though I haven't done anything to deserve one. I sure feel like I need one though.

I want to feel close to Him again. I remember feeling like I was dancing with Him once. That was amazing. I'm not much of a dancer...especially a slow dancer, but if it's with Him. Heck, I'd try the waltz! The tango! Whatever, as long as it's with Him. I am jealous of friends who are doing something with their lives in other places in the world. I would be fine with living here if I was doing something that mattered. I suppose even the small things do matter, but I don't feel like I'm even trying. Not that I must do good works in order for my eternity to be spent in paradise, but I should want to do great things becaues I love Him. Why don't I want to do good things enough to actually try? Maybe if I weren't an American. Speaking of which I have to sing the one song I hate singing, the National Anthem, soon at a soccer game. My dream has come true and I am so sick of this country I'm singing for. But what can I do to change it...to pioneer in this country? I do not know and He's not telling me anything.

Is it any surprise that you feel so overrun?

Oh how I am so excited to fly 2.5 hours East this evening.
Oh how I am so excited to see my Spaceman once again.
Oh how I am so excited to get away from this place I call "home".
Oh how I am going to miss my family.
Oh how I am so confused by one person in this life. Only one.
Make that two. Two people in this life confuse me.
Three if you want to get technical.
Four actually if you want to get super technical.
But three of them are the same person, so it's back to two.
Two people in this life confuse me.

Here I am sitting in Dunn Bros. on Grand Ave. I just ran into my CBB. What an odd coincedence! I am drinking the ever-so-lovely Iced Coffee with two packets of Splenda. It's my signature drink of choice at the moment. Cold Press, Iced Coffee, or Iced Americano. Depending upon which coffee shop I choose to go to.

I splurged a little bit yesterday. Not as much as I could have, but more than I should have.

I haven't been reading anything lately. I was going to bring a book to read on the plane, but forgot, and now all I have is a stupid worldly magazine I can look at while listening to music. What music will I listen to on the plane? I don't know yet. I have a feeling it'll be sappy. Probably Over the Rhine. They seem to be my flight music of choice. I could potentially warm up to my new Ben Folds Live album I recently purchased but never listen to, but I rather prefer the familiar to the foreign when it comes to uncomfortable things like flying. I hate flying.

Since I'm in St. Paul. I might have to get Cafe Latte for lunch! I love that place. Or perhaps Bread and Chocolate...since I've never been and have always wanted to go.

man, my computer is dusty.

I hope Idaho doesn't get lost on his way to Super Target.

Well, that's all for now I suppose. I'm going to check some more things on here...like what the weather will be like when I arrive in Connecticut tonight. Pray that it's beautiful tomorrow because it's going to be my final day on this earth. I'd like to die on a beautiful day. At least I'll go out with The Spaceman at my side and there will most likely be a great news headline, "Woman dies in gruesome Hellovator ride disastor at Six Flags theme park."

Welp, wish me luck, I bid you all a'dou, farewell, and stay classy Minneapolis/St. Paul!

I'm so depressed I can't even eat.

Oh Lord my God, if I have done this,
if there is wrong in my hands,
if I have repaid my friend with evil
or plundered my enemy without cause,
let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it,
and let him trample my life to the ground
and lay my glory in the dust.

Psalm 7:3-5