Most days I hate my job.
Some days I love my job.
Most days I am tired.
Some days I get to sleep in.
Most days I go swimming.
Some days I lift weights.
Most days I wish I would cry.
Some days I wish I could stop feeling.
Most days I wish I could help my friend.
Some days I do not want to.
Most days I do not want to spend any money.
Some days I spend too much.
Most days I see my family.
Some days I feel my heart break for them.
Most days I like to recycle.
Some days I am too lazy to recycle.
Most days I worry about everything.
Some days I do not have a care in the world.
Most days I miss friends from far away places.
Some days I miss friends right around the corner.
Most days I desire to write new songs.
Some days I actually do it.
Most days I want to change the world.
Some days I spend wondering how that will ever be accomplished.
Most days I laugh.
Some days I only sigh.
Most days I eat too much.
Some days I hope to never eat.
Most days I judge everyone I come across.
Some days I judge myself more harshly than any other thing on this planet.
Most days I glorify the world.
Some days I glorify the Lord.
July 23, 2008
July 17, 2008
You might be a big fish in a little pond
I must resolve to never spend money again unless it's going to my car or cell phone. For real. Most of the time I hate that I have a credit card, but it's times like these when I am supposed to be over-drafting that I love having a credit card. Though, I do hate that I am over-drafting.
I want to do more with my money. More as in more for others and less for me. It's hard knowing that my money is low because of selfishness. A coffee here, a movie there. You get the idea. I figure if I fast from spending money for a few weeks that might be amazing. Who needs to fast from food when fasting from money would be so much healthier?
I am quickly realizing I have a hard heart. Not a hard heart in every aspect of my life, just in the one that I spend the most time on. Work. My heart has become so hard towards these kids. A person cannot spend most of their time with small children. At least I cannot spend most of my time with small children. I become this overly crabby mean adult that kids know and fear. It's probably good for them to fear me, but I don't think they fear me in a good way. JFK. They hardly fear me. I wish I was so intimidating to them that they respected me and didn't feel like pushing the envelope all the time. Well, I have 25 days left with these kids. I better make it count!
I don't know what I am going to do with these children today because it is supposed to storm all day. I hate thunderstorms. They are one of the scariest things in the world to me. A few of my fears? Thunderstorms, Flying, and eternity. Also, I have this weird fear when I drive past a car that they might have a gun and shoot me as I'm driving by. Is that unrealistic or what?
This weekend I finally move out of my St. Paul apartment. I am so excited to not live there anymore. It's so far out of the way. I should not have gone there in the first place. I know what I was thinking, but I should have thought through it better. From now on my moves will be more realistic and eco-friendly. Driving an hour every day to and from work isn't the greatest gas and environment choice.
I am so excited that my parents now live in a house with a pool. It is the greatest fun to wake up and go on a morning swim. I haven't exactly done that yet, but it's possible! I must get a swim cap for that.
Right now I have about $1,000 dollars in the bank for my trip. I need to get a plane ticket, and hopefully my Visa is on its way to me, but I'm afraid they might be sending it to my Saint Paul address. Fortunately we have the greatest landlord who I'm sure will keep an eye out for it. I pray they send it to my permanent address and not my temporary one.
I pray that my parent's other house sells soon so that I can get money for my car. I also pray that Wells Fargo gets back to me about my line of credit. I'm afraid it's like a loan, but hey, whatever works. Especially for right now. I can pay this off as the year goes on. Lord, bless my finances. I know I need to be spending less. I am sorry for being selfish with my money and I also know that one of these days I'll suddenly understand how foolish spending money on temporary things is.
I want to do more with my money. More as in more for others and less for me. It's hard knowing that my money is low because of selfishness. A coffee here, a movie there. You get the idea. I figure if I fast from spending money for a few weeks that might be amazing. Who needs to fast from food when fasting from money would be so much healthier?
I am quickly realizing I have a hard heart. Not a hard heart in every aspect of my life, just in the one that I spend the most time on. Work. My heart has become so hard towards these kids. A person cannot spend most of their time with small children. At least I cannot spend most of my time with small children. I become this overly crabby mean adult that kids know and fear. It's probably good for them to fear me, but I don't think they fear me in a good way. JFK. They hardly fear me. I wish I was so intimidating to them that they respected me and didn't feel like pushing the envelope all the time. Well, I have 25 days left with these kids. I better make it count!
I don't know what I am going to do with these children today because it is supposed to storm all day. I hate thunderstorms. They are one of the scariest things in the world to me. A few of my fears? Thunderstorms, Flying, and eternity. Also, I have this weird fear when I drive past a car that they might have a gun and shoot me as I'm driving by. Is that unrealistic or what?
This weekend I finally move out of my St. Paul apartment. I am so excited to not live there anymore. It's so far out of the way. I should not have gone there in the first place. I know what I was thinking, but I should have thought through it better. From now on my moves will be more realistic and eco-friendly. Driving an hour every day to and from work isn't the greatest gas and environment choice.
I am so excited that my parents now live in a house with a pool. It is the greatest fun to wake up and go on a morning swim. I haven't exactly done that yet, but it's possible! I must get a swim cap for that.
Right now I have about $1,000 dollars in the bank for my trip. I need to get a plane ticket, and hopefully my Visa is on its way to me, but I'm afraid they might be sending it to my Saint Paul address. Fortunately we have the greatest landlord who I'm sure will keep an eye out for it. I pray they send it to my permanent address and not my temporary one.
I pray that my parent's other house sells soon so that I can get money for my car. I also pray that Wells Fargo gets back to me about my line of credit. I'm afraid it's like a loan, but hey, whatever works. Especially for right now. I can pay this off as the year goes on. Lord, bless my finances. I know I need to be spending less. I am sorry for being selfish with my money and I also know that one of these days I'll suddenly understand how foolish spending money on temporary things is.
July 10, 2008
Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Sometimes I wish I was attracted to certain people, but I know that if I was they wouldn't feel the same way about me. Know what I'm saying? Like, right now I don't have feelings for this person and they don't have feelings for me, but they're an amazing person so it'd be cool to be attracted to them, but if I was they wouldn't have feelings for me still. Get it? Got it? Good.
I made a choice on Tuesday to not have a crappy week with these kids. It is so hard when they bicker, fight, argue, hit, kick, yell, scream, scratch, pinch, and won't eat a single thing I have to offer unless it's a waffle or grilled cheese sandwich. It's hard not to get frustrated and it's hard not to yell at them and tell them how incredibly ridiculous they are. Especially when their only form of communication is some sort of whiny infant noise that barely comes through their mouth cause their bottom lip is so large and pouty. I hate pouty lips. Also, when kids cry over WAFFLES! or anything else. Goggles. Shorts. Cheezits. TV. Blankets. You get the idea. I dislike many aspects of children. Which seems so unreal because I love them so much. I wish I could video tape them now and save it for 10 years and show them all the little brats they can be when they were younger.
Lord, I want to write a new song. I have been itching to write one for a long while. Please inspire me and give me words to sing to you or to a friend or to a family member or to a people group or to a celebrity even! Whatever. I just want a song.
I also care so deeply for my dear friend who seems to be spiraling downward, knowing it's happening, knowing it's her choice, knowing how to change it, yet it continues. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything I guess. I don't want to enable her, I just want to love her. It's hard for me and I know it's not up to me, so I'm putting her in your altar. You are the rescuer; you are the comforter; you are the healer; you are the pursuer; you are the Father; you are the lover; you are the only thing she needs right now. The only thing.
I made a choice on Tuesday to not have a crappy week with these kids. It is so hard when they bicker, fight, argue, hit, kick, yell, scream, scratch, pinch, and won't eat a single thing I have to offer unless it's a waffle or grilled cheese sandwich. It's hard not to get frustrated and it's hard not to yell at them and tell them how incredibly ridiculous they are. Especially when their only form of communication is some sort of whiny infant noise that barely comes through their mouth cause their bottom lip is so large and pouty. I hate pouty lips. Also, when kids cry over WAFFLES! or anything else. Goggles. Shorts. Cheezits. TV. Blankets. You get the idea. I dislike many aspects of children. Which seems so unreal because I love them so much. I wish I could video tape them now and save it for 10 years and show them all the little brats they can be when they were younger.
Lord, I want to write a new song. I have been itching to write one for a long while. Please inspire me and give me words to sing to you or to a friend or to a family member or to a people group or to a celebrity even! Whatever. I just want a song.
I also care so deeply for my dear friend who seems to be spiraling downward, knowing it's happening, knowing it's her choice, knowing how to change it, yet it continues. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't do anything I guess. I don't want to enable her, I just want to love her. It's hard for me and I know it's not up to me, so I'm putting her in your altar. You are the rescuer; you are the comforter; you are the healer; you are the pursuer; you are the Father; you are the lover; you are the only thing she needs right now. The only thing.
July 3, 2008
I'm not unfaithful but I'll stray.
India is intimidating. It is huge. It is full of people that speak Hindi. It has foods my body won't be used to. There will be cattle roaming the streets. I can only stay in the country for six months at a time. I need $3,000 more dollars for my school plus I have to make payments on my credit card and my compassion child. Lord, take away my fears, worries, anxieties, frustrations, and doubts that come with this SBS. Nothing is ever easy.
I am tired of just simply surviving every week. I survive day after day with the kids to get to the weekend, then I fill my weekend up with plans and then before I know it I'm back to surviving the work week again. I want to be compassionate towards my children and I want to have mercy on them. It is so hard to not be cranky around them because they fight with each other all the time. I don't know how they can show so little love towards one another. I try so hard to show them love, but not hard enough I guess. I am not getting through.
I must stick with a strict sleeping schedule again. Life was good when I did that a few months back. It must start again this upcoming week. I need to stop going to bed at one in the morning only to get 6 hours of sleep. Ba humbug!
Working out is pretty easy to me now. At least the lifting weights part. Not so much the aerobic/cardio part. Also, the eating part is hard too. I cannot stop eating sweets. I love me some calories! I actually conquered a desire for ice cream today though! Usually when I want something I get it. Horrible. I need to stop that. I must think about fruit or vegetables as a delectable dessert. That way I can eat those all I want, when I want, and not feel bad about it later!
O Father, let me not lose sight of you tomorrow at work. Show me how to be compassionate and merciful to these kids. Be my hands and feet. Speak through me to them and love through me to them. I do love them, but I am afraid it does not show most of the time. Let me be an adult around them when it comes to serious things, but be fun when it comes to playing.
I am tired of just simply surviving every week. I survive day after day with the kids to get to the weekend, then I fill my weekend up with plans and then before I know it I'm back to surviving the work week again. I want to be compassionate towards my children and I want to have mercy on them. It is so hard to not be cranky around them because they fight with each other all the time. I don't know how they can show so little love towards one another. I try so hard to show them love, but not hard enough I guess. I am not getting through.
I must stick with a strict sleeping schedule again. Life was good when I did that a few months back. It must start again this upcoming week. I need to stop going to bed at one in the morning only to get 6 hours of sleep. Ba humbug!
Working out is pretty easy to me now. At least the lifting weights part. Not so much the aerobic/cardio part. Also, the eating part is hard too. I cannot stop eating sweets. I love me some calories! I actually conquered a desire for ice cream today though! Usually when I want something I get it. Horrible. I need to stop that. I must think about fruit or vegetables as a delectable dessert. That way I can eat those all I want, when I want, and not feel bad about it later!
O Father, let me not lose sight of you tomorrow at work. Show me how to be compassionate and merciful to these kids. Be my hands and feet. Speak through me to them and love through me to them. I do love them, but I am afraid it does not show most of the time. Let me be an adult around them when it comes to serious things, but be fun when it comes to playing.
June 14, 2008
I eat my candy with pork and beans
Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.
For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
- matthew 6:13-14 -
I looked at a whole ton of pictures today of the Lonavala campus at the U of N Pune. That is the exact campus I will be staying at while I am in India. The pictures I thought, would help ease my mind on the craziness of India, but they did not at all. In fact they did the exact opposite. I did not see hardly any "Americans" in the pictures, granted they were taken a few years ago. I still was worried that I would be the only person from the U.S. there. Why does this scare me? I usually run with the idea of spending time with people of other cultures. My favorite people in New Zealand were the Koreans, and I fell in love with a Fijian! I jump at the opportunity to be with people who aren't familiar with the "American" way of life. I should be even more excited to go to India because of this observation, yet I am hardly there. All I can think is, "this is going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done!", "This is going to be so hard!", "what am I getting myself into?" Which is exactly what God wants. It's a hard way, a narrow way, but the only way. I am so thankful I didn't choose Montana or England. Although England isn't sounding so bad. But, New Zealand wasn't a far off stretch from the American culture. India is going to be a whole new ball game. Nothing familiar at all. Even in Europe it was easy. Vanuatu was hard, but not incredibly crowded, and a very simple way of life.
My promises are of no avail to you except as you apply and appropriate them by faith. In your daily walk, you will be victorious only to the degree that you trust Me. I can help you only as you ask. I will meet you at every point where you put action alongside prayers. Only as you walk will the waters of adversity be parted before you. Overburdened as the world is with trouble and sickness, I need those who have proved My sufficiency in everyday, personal experience to lead the suffering to the fountains of life. I need those who have found Me as burden-bearer to help bring deliverance to the oppressed...
...No case is too hard for Me. Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. "Faith and Action" - Francis J. Roberts
For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.
- matthew 6:13-14 -
I looked at a whole ton of pictures today of the Lonavala campus at the U of N Pune. That is the exact campus I will be staying at while I am in India. The pictures I thought, would help ease my mind on the craziness of India, but they did not at all. In fact they did the exact opposite. I did not see hardly any "Americans" in the pictures, granted they were taken a few years ago. I still was worried that I would be the only person from the U.S. there. Why does this scare me? I usually run with the idea of spending time with people of other cultures. My favorite people in New Zealand were the Koreans, and I fell in love with a Fijian! I jump at the opportunity to be with people who aren't familiar with the "American" way of life. I should be even more excited to go to India because of this observation, yet I am hardly there. All I can think is, "this is going to be the most challenging thing I've ever done!", "This is going to be so hard!", "what am I getting myself into?" Which is exactly what God wants. It's a hard way, a narrow way, but the only way. I am so thankful I didn't choose Montana or England. Although England isn't sounding so bad. But, New Zealand wasn't a far off stretch from the American culture. India is going to be a whole new ball game. Nothing familiar at all. Even in Europe it was easy. Vanuatu was hard, but not incredibly crowded, and a very simple way of life.
My promises are of no avail to you except as you apply and appropriate them by faith. In your daily walk, you will be victorious only to the degree that you trust Me. I can help you only as you ask. I will meet you at every point where you put action alongside prayers. Only as you walk will the waters of adversity be parted before you. Overburdened as the world is with trouble and sickness, I need those who have proved My sufficiency in everyday, personal experience to lead the suffering to the fountains of life. I need those who have found Me as burden-bearer to help bring deliverance to the oppressed...
...No case is too hard for Me. Never be taken by surprise when I use you to change a pattern. "Faith and Action" - Francis J. Roberts
June 5, 2008
I Will Walk With Integrity
I will sing of steadfast love and justice;
to you, O Lord, I will make music.
I will ponder the way that is blameless.
Oh when will you come to me?
I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.
I hate the work of those who fall away;
it shall not cling to me.
A perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will know nothing of evil.
Please let that be me, O Lord. Mold me into this person. Make me blameless. Let me not be tempted by evil things. My desire right now is to be all that you want me to be. It shouldn't take a human to make me want to be better. It should be you. Granted you came as a human but also as God. Give me holy dreams. Show me eternity. Open my eyes to holy things unseen. I am yours, Father. I am yours.
to you, O Lord, I will make music.
I will ponder the way that is blameless.
Oh when will you come to me?
I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless.
I hate the work of those who fall away;
it shall not cling to me.
A perverse heart shall be far from me;
I will know nothing of evil.
Please let that be me, O Lord. Mold me into this person. Make me blameless. Let me not be tempted by evil things. My desire right now is to be all that you want me to be. It shouldn't take a human to make me want to be better. It should be you. Granted you came as a human but also as God. Give me holy dreams. Show me eternity. Open my eyes to holy things unseen. I am yours, Father. I am yours.
June 2, 2008
People are just people, they shouldn't make you nervous
Oh my goodness.
I am so nervous about this India business. I feel like there are 7,432 things I need to do before I leave and right now it seems so complicated and hard and nerve-wracking and terrifying and impossible and unrealistic. But I know that with God all things are possible! Why, this time, do I doubt His provision and His peace? Why am I so worried about this? I must bring this into the light.
I am not working tomorrow because I'm afraid I have tonsillitis and I don't want the family to get it. It doesn't hurt much, but it's annoying having a swollen throat and when I sleep it seems to get worse. Because I'm not working tomorrow I think I'll go somewhere quiet and spend the day with my Father. That would be amazing. I pray the weather is nice tomorrow so I can go hide away in nature somewhere. I want to write a song tomorrow! I want to hear your voice tomorrow! I want to find a piece of my identity tomorrow! I want to feel peace tomorrow! I want to intercede tomorrow! I want to see your glory tomorrow!
I am getting overwhelmed here. So many things are going on in my life right now. I am looking to move home from St. Paul, but the same time I'm supposed to try to move home my family is moving to a new house and we're supposed to be having this giant rummage sale for me! I also have to apply for a Visa for India sooner than later but not too soon. I need plane tickets which is turning out to be hard since my return flight is too far in the future for them to book anything. I must get $8,000 dollars somewhere. I can't think about this anymore. I'll be up all night tossing and turning wondering how this stuff is going to fall into place if I write anymore about it.
Father, I know you are in control of this. I know that you will provide for me. I give my concerns and worries to you right now. Please calm my body and my senses and my nerves. Make my heart HUGE! I want to not be concerned with how things are going to get accomplished but work on healing things before I leave. Please put my priorities in the right places. Reveal to me what my priorities should be this week so that I can work on them in a good way, a pleasing way to you. I only want to glorify you with this decision and stressing out about all the details isn't doing that. I want to trust you completely. I want to be open with friends and family here and share my worries and doubts. I pray that you'll bring me confirmation for India so that I have an awesome testimony to how great you are.
May the Lord do what is good in His sight.
I am so nervous about this India business. I feel like there are 7,432 things I need to do before I leave and right now it seems so complicated and hard and nerve-wracking and terrifying and impossible and unrealistic. But I know that with God all things are possible! Why, this time, do I doubt His provision and His peace? Why am I so worried about this? I must bring this into the light.
I am not working tomorrow because I'm afraid I have tonsillitis and I don't want the family to get it. It doesn't hurt much, but it's annoying having a swollen throat and when I sleep it seems to get worse. Because I'm not working tomorrow I think I'll go somewhere quiet and spend the day with my Father. That would be amazing. I pray the weather is nice tomorrow so I can go hide away in nature somewhere. I want to write a song tomorrow! I want to hear your voice tomorrow! I want to find a piece of my identity tomorrow! I want to feel peace tomorrow! I want to intercede tomorrow! I want to see your glory tomorrow!
I am getting overwhelmed here. So many things are going on in my life right now. I am looking to move home from St. Paul, but the same time I'm supposed to try to move home my family is moving to a new house and we're supposed to be having this giant rummage sale for me! I also have to apply for a Visa for India sooner than later but not too soon. I need plane tickets which is turning out to be hard since my return flight is too far in the future for them to book anything. I must get $8,000 dollars somewhere. I can't think about this anymore. I'll be up all night tossing and turning wondering how this stuff is going to fall into place if I write anymore about it.
Father, I know you are in control of this. I know that you will provide for me. I give my concerns and worries to you right now. Please calm my body and my senses and my nerves. Make my heart HUGE! I want to not be concerned with how things are going to get accomplished but work on healing things before I leave. Please put my priorities in the right places. Reveal to me what my priorities should be this week so that I can work on them in a good way, a pleasing way to you. I only want to glorify you with this decision and stressing out about all the details isn't doing that. I want to trust you completely. I want to be open with friends and family here and share my worries and doubts. I pray that you'll bring me confirmation for India so that I have an awesome testimony to how great you are.
May the Lord do what is good in His sight.
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