I wonder who I'll actually end up with. This is an unknown thing that I am excited for. Why can't I be excited for the unknown thing that is eternity? I have a true love and that is you. I am excited to see your redeeming love throughout the old testament! Your love for Israel and your love for your people. I think I may come out of this SBS truly knowing how much you love me or at least knowing as much as I ever have about your love for me.
Lord, I don't know if this guy is the one for me. You know. You sly Father. You know exactly what is going to happen with this. So why should I worry so much about it? It is not a sin for me to like him. It is not a sin to want to get to know him more. It is not even a sin to desire him. To be attracted to him. To love him. I just pray that you remain the center of my life. You remain my true love. This could come and go, but you always remain. You are a constant, firm Love in my life. It's quite amazing that you always come with me wherever I go. My friends and family cannot even do that! Why do I desire others to be with me when I've had you with me since the day I began forming in my mother's womb! You loved me even then. You love me even now. You will love me in the future. Help me become a Godly woman. Grow my strength and diligence. If I had your strength I'd be the strongest woman in the world. If I had your kindness I would be the kindest woman in the world. If I had your heart I would have the biggest, most loving heart in the world.
January 31, 2009
January 12, 2009
I've got my life in a suitcase
The wave seems to be hitting all shores but my own. That should be okay with me. I have been struggling with not caring about the wave. I do not even know why I still want this wave to hit my shores. I do not need this wave. I do not need to look for this wave. I have plenty of other things to occupy my mind and my time. I am happy for my friend who has just been hit by the wave. It's quite sweet and beautiful. I just want something sweet and beautiful. If there's one thing I have learned in the past 3 months it is that I fall fast and hard and am too emotional and over-analyze everything. That's more than one thing I suppose, but they all go hand-in-hand.
This life is becoming too complicated, but only because I am making it so. It does not have to be this complicated.
This life is becoming too complicated, but only because I am making it so. It does not have to be this complicated.
December 22, 2008
Would you ever be my would you be my fucking boyfriend?
Boys are ridiculous! For reals.
I am ready for bed.
I am ready for bed.
December 9, 2008
Is this love, is this love, is this love, is this love that I'm feeling?
"steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord." - Psalm 32:10
This morning it was sure nice to read of a promise David said so long ago at the end of Psalm 32, "steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord." I am then curious as to the definition of "steadfast" because as a Christian we read this word all the time and sort of know it, but I don't know if we really know the exact definition, that is why I am about to tell you: resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering. Now I must look at what "resolutely" means...admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering. Therefore, "steadfast" means to be purposefully firm and unwavering. So, unwavering love or firm love (I see it as when you have a garage sale or a craig's list ad and you say that the price of the object you're selling is "firm" meaning it is not going to change, don't even bother bargaining because it's not going down, if anything it'll go up before it goes down.) Unwavering, or firm love surrounds me. It surrounds you too if you trust in the Lord. No matter what anyone does or says to me hopefully I can be comforted in the fact that I am surrounded by a love that never weakens. A love that will always stay as strong as the day it got there. A love with an eternal guarantee.
"The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it,
the world, and those who live in it;" Psalm 24:1
I am also somewhat struggling with an idol. We know idols are not real. There are not actually other gods in this universe, and yet we still put tangible things in God's place in our thoughts and hearts, at least I know I do. Yesterday Prabha asked us to think of that one thing that we always, always stumble over no matter where we are (at least I think he asked us to do that) and the only thing that came to my mind of course was men. Men, men, men. Everywhere I go men take over my life. Mostly because I allow that to happen. I cannot figure out how to stop it from happening. It just happens and I wrestle with it the entire length of any season of my life. Then, when the wrestling is over and I take one sigh of relief, another man comes waltzing into my life and the cycle starts all over again. Dear Lord Jesus. BUT in spite of all that I was put a little at ease this morning being reminded that all the people who live in the world belong to the Lord. Even the men I struggle with. They are no better than any other man I have developed any sort of feelings for. They are the same as the j-hole I have wanted to sic my 5 brothers on, and the same as my wonderful dad who has the biggest heart of any man I've ever known. I can look at every man now and hopefully worry less about everything because they are God's just as I am God's. God will lead the right man to me some day. This is a promise he gave me during DTS, and you'd think I would find confidence in this promise and not fall in love everywhere I go, but it is hard to shake the way I've acted my entire life. I don't have to worry about not ever getting married, so now I should be concerned about things of the Lord, right? Right? I am human, I have desires. This is my biggest struggle in life, and I pray God heals me of this desire to always have someone I am twitter-pated by. I just want it to be God.
This morning it was sure nice to read of a promise David said so long ago at the end of Psalm 32, "steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord." I am then curious as to the definition of "steadfast" because as a Christian we read this word all the time and sort of know it, but I don't know if we really know the exact definition, that is why I am about to tell you: resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering. Now I must look at what "resolutely" means...admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering. Therefore, "steadfast" means to be purposefully firm and unwavering. So, unwavering love or firm love (I see it as when you have a garage sale or a craig's list ad and you say that the price of the object you're selling is "firm" meaning it is not going to change, don't even bother bargaining because it's not going down, if anything it'll go up before it goes down.) Unwavering, or firm love surrounds me. It surrounds you too if you trust in the Lord. No matter what anyone does or says to me hopefully I can be comforted in the fact that I am surrounded by a love that never weakens. A love that will always stay as strong as the day it got there. A love with an eternal guarantee.
"The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it,
the world, and those who live in it;" Psalm 24:1
I am also somewhat struggling with an idol. We know idols are not real. There are not actually other gods in this universe, and yet we still put tangible things in God's place in our thoughts and hearts, at least I know I do. Yesterday Prabha asked us to think of that one thing that we always, always stumble over no matter where we are (at least I think he asked us to do that) and the only thing that came to my mind of course was men. Men, men, men. Everywhere I go men take over my life. Mostly because I allow that to happen. I cannot figure out how to stop it from happening. It just happens and I wrestle with it the entire length of any season of my life. Then, when the wrestling is over and I take one sigh of relief, another man comes waltzing into my life and the cycle starts all over again. Dear Lord Jesus. BUT in spite of all that I was put a little at ease this morning being reminded that all the people who live in the world belong to the Lord. Even the men I struggle with. They are no better than any other man I have developed any sort of feelings for. They are the same as the j-hole I have wanted to sic my 5 brothers on, and the same as my wonderful dad who has the biggest heart of any man I've ever known. I can look at every man now and hopefully worry less about everything because they are God's just as I am God's. God will lead the right man to me some day. This is a promise he gave me during DTS, and you'd think I would find confidence in this promise and not fall in love everywhere I go, but it is hard to shake the way I've acted my entire life. I don't have to worry about not ever getting married, so now I should be concerned about things of the Lord, right? Right? I am human, I have desires. This is my biggest struggle in life, and I pray God heals me of this desire to always have someone I am twitter-pated by. I just want it to be God.
November 28, 2008
Breathe Me
Help
I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah
I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah
I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me
November 11, 2008
I won't worry my life away, I won't worry this life away
My spirit is groaning. My head is moaning.
My body is bending. My heart is mending.
My feet are curling. My hips are twirling.
My senses are smiling. My stomach is crying.
My life is turning. My emotions are burning.
I long to write a song.
I have studied 11 books so far!
Why haven't I written a song?
It is okay though, I don't need to write a song.
I think I would only do it for myself.
That needs to change before I can write.
I keep forgetting that God waits for me to wake up in the morning.
I wake up and don't notice him sitting there next to my bed.
I find it more important to get rid of my morning breath than acknowledge him.
It is hard to fast in India.
It is easy to fast from the food on campus, but hard to fast from eating snacks.
Especially Wheat Things and Dark Chocolate.
I saw the chocolate doughnut at Coffee Day yesterday and even though I had already eaten it and did not approve, it still looked good. I would have ordered it again hoping it would have been different.
It would not have been different.
Who knows how long those things sit in there.
I know the Chocolate Fantasy is good just like I know the Tropical Iceberg is good.
That is my drink of choice.
Tropical iceberg.
An oxymoron.
There's also nothing tropical about it.
It's just like a mocha frappuccino.
How can I conceal what is in my heart?
For so long I have allowed it to sit out on my arm letting all see and know what mood it is in.
I must conceal my heart this time.
Its feelings are pointless most of the time.
Although sometimes I wonder if it is hurtful to deny my heart its feelings and emotions.
Won't it only hurt in the long run if I bottle these things up inside me?
What right do I have to let them out anyway.
I don't know very much about someone before I fall in love.
I wish I could wait.
I can never wait.
For me it is always love at first sight.
Never love at wait a few months down the road and see how you feel.
For me relationships are like new albums.
You have all this bands previous albums and so the built up anticipation for this album is killing you!
You love it before you have even listened to it!
The new single off of it is so thrilling and amazing and beautiful!
So, the day the album finally comes out you frantically purchase it and bring it home.
You put it in a CD player, or on your laptop, and listen to it.
You immediately like the first song, maybe second, then the single which you already know is good.
As you continue listening to it you realize that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be.
You think, "maybe if I keep listening to it it will grow on me!"
Three days later you forgot about it and would rather listen to anything but that.
That is how my mind and heart work with men.
My body is bending. My heart is mending.
My feet are curling. My hips are twirling.
My senses are smiling. My stomach is crying.
My life is turning. My emotions are burning.
I long to write a song.
I have studied 11 books so far!
Why haven't I written a song?
It is okay though, I don't need to write a song.
I think I would only do it for myself.
That needs to change before I can write.
I keep forgetting that God waits for me to wake up in the morning.
I wake up and don't notice him sitting there next to my bed.
I find it more important to get rid of my morning breath than acknowledge him.
It is hard to fast in India.
It is easy to fast from the food on campus, but hard to fast from eating snacks.
Especially Wheat Things and Dark Chocolate.
I saw the chocolate doughnut at Coffee Day yesterday and even though I had already eaten it and did not approve, it still looked good. I would have ordered it again hoping it would have been different.
It would not have been different.
Who knows how long those things sit in there.
I know the Chocolate Fantasy is good just like I know the Tropical Iceberg is good.
That is my drink of choice.
Tropical iceberg.
An oxymoron.
There's also nothing tropical about it.
It's just like a mocha frappuccino.
How can I conceal what is in my heart?
For so long I have allowed it to sit out on my arm letting all see and know what mood it is in.
I must conceal my heart this time.
Its feelings are pointless most of the time.
Although sometimes I wonder if it is hurtful to deny my heart its feelings and emotions.
Won't it only hurt in the long run if I bottle these things up inside me?
What right do I have to let them out anyway.
I don't know very much about someone before I fall in love.
I wish I could wait.
I can never wait.
For me it is always love at first sight.
Never love at wait a few months down the road and see how you feel.
For me relationships are like new albums.
You have all this bands previous albums and so the built up anticipation for this album is killing you!
You love it before you have even listened to it!
The new single off of it is so thrilling and amazing and beautiful!
So, the day the album finally comes out you frantically purchase it and bring it home.
You put it in a CD player, or on your laptop, and listen to it.
You immediately like the first song, maybe second, then the single which you already know is good.
As you continue listening to it you realize that it isn't all that it was cracked up to be.
You think, "maybe if I keep listening to it it will grow on me!"
Three days later you forgot about it and would rather listen to anything but that.
That is how my mind and heart work with men.
November 1, 2008
Hey Guys! It's Christmas time!
We can walk out after dark
Because it's Christmas time
Colored lights glow from the park
Because it's Christmas time
And the bells on the reindeer sled say
It's Christmas time
And the quilts on the back of the bed say
It's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
There's your father with his pipe
He says it's Christmas time
He might let us stay up all night
Because it's Christmas time
I might wish you all the best
Because it's Christmas time
I might kiss you on the back of your neck
Because it's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
Because it's Christmas time
Colored lights glow from the park
Because it's Christmas time
And the bells on the reindeer sled say
It's Christmas time
And the quilts on the back of the bed say
It's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
There's your father with his pipe
He says it's Christmas time
He might let us stay up all night
Because it's Christmas time
I might wish you all the best
Because it's Christmas time
I might kiss you on the back of your neck
Because it's Christmas time
I think about how we could run away
Now that it's Christmas time
We travel in a one-horse open sleigh
Now that it's Christmas time
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