I'm a new soul

Dear Lord Jesus, why is this happening to me? Now I know there aren't many times I ask you this question, but this is one of those times. I'm not expecting any answer because that's the answer I usually get in difficult situations. How is this situation difficult? I'd tell you, but you're omniscient. I already wrote it all out in another journal for you. Oh my goodness gracious.

Summer breeze makes me feel fine blowing through my mind

I no longer worry about not passing this season of my life. However, it is much harder at this very moment to think this is really where God wants me. Maybe I came to the wrong place to take this school? Every day just gets harder and harder. Not assignment-wise, but culture-wise. People-wise. Food-wise.
I realize this could all very well have to do with that enemy who knows me so well. For that reason I will not abandon my first Love. I will never abandon my first Love.

I am a whore I must confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle to you

So, after a night to think this all through, I feel like perhaps my walls are tumbling down just as Jericho's walls did. All coming down at one time and I don't know how to react or what to do. I am feeling every emotion at different moments, in small spurts.

Be courageous and strong, Darling.
Be courageous and strong.

To the bottom, Dear, I had to fall

Tropical Icebergs suddenly have no flavor.
I hate crying in front of people.
Rejoice! Again I must rejoice!
How can I rejoice?
I want to lie in my bed all day, not moving, or even breathing.
I want to lay next to you my Dear.
In silence like Job and his friends.
Don't let my heart harden.
This is my year of hope which happened to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
Rejoice! I must rejoice.
I will not question the "why's."
Bitterness will only infiltrate my being.
Who wants that?
O, My God, how you love your servant!
Emotions seem to be all I have left in me.
My body is broken and weary.
My mind is completely blank.
Rejoice! Again, I say rejoice!
I cannot help but take interest in my own future.
If that Devil is trying me now,
how much more will my Father use me in this hopeful year?
Comfort is found in a band of horses.
I must lay my honey on the altar.
Honey, you really are the sweetest thing I ever saw.
I long to be with you, I truly do.
Rejoice, I know it's hard, rejoice!
Be strong. I'll be weak in your place.
But it's okay to be weak. I'll be strong for you.

He's my Brandy Alexander

I wonder who I'll actually end up with. This is an unknown thing that I am excited for. Why can't I be excited for the unknown thing that is eternity? I have a true love and that is you. I am excited to see your redeeming love throughout the old testament! Your love for Israel and your love for your people. I think I may come out of this SBS truly knowing how much you love me or at least knowing as much as I ever have about your love for me.

Lord, I don't know if this guy is the one for me. You know. You sly Father. You know exactly what is going to happen with this. So why should I worry so much about it? It is not a sin for me to like him. It is not a sin to want to get to know him more. It is not even a sin to desire him. To be attracted to him. To love him. I just pray that you remain the center of my life. You remain my true love. This could come and go, but you always remain. You are a constant, firm Love in my life. It's quite amazing that you always come with me wherever I go. My friends and family cannot even do that! Why do I desire others to be with me when I've had you with me since the day I began forming in my mother's womb! You loved me even then. You love me even now. You will love me in the future. Help me become a Godly woman. Grow my strength and diligence. If I had your strength I'd be the strongest woman in the world. If I had your kindness I would be the kindest woman in the world. If I had your heart I would have the biggest, most loving heart in the world.

I've got my life in a suitcase

The wave seems to be hitting all shores but my own. That should be okay with me. I have been struggling with not caring about the wave. I do not even know why I still want this wave to hit my shores. I do not need this wave. I do not need to look for this wave. I have plenty of other things to occupy my mind and my time. I am happy for my friend who has just been hit by the wave. It's quite sweet and beautiful. I just want something sweet and beautiful. If there's one thing I have learned in the past 3 months it is that I fall fast and hard and am too emotional and over-analyze everything. That's more than one thing I suppose, but they all go hand-in-hand.

This life is becoming too complicated, but only because I am making it so. It does not have to be this complicated.

Would you ever be my would you be my fucking boyfriend?

Boys are ridiculous! For reals.
I am ready for bed.

Is this love, is this love, is this love, is this love that I'm feeling?

"steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord." - Psalm 32:10


This morning it was sure nice to read of a promise David said so long ago at the end of Psalm 32, "steadfast love surrounds those who trust in the Lord." I am then curious as to the definition of "steadfast" because as a Christian we read this word all the time and sort of know it, but I don't know if we really know the exact definition, that is why I am about to tell you: resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering. Now I must look at what "resolutely" means...admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering. Therefore, "steadfast" means to be purposefully firm and unwavering. So, unwavering love or firm love (I see it as when you have a garage sale or a craig's list ad and you say that the price of the object you're selling is "firm" meaning it is not going to change, don't even bother bargaining because it's not going down, if anything it'll go up before it goes down.) Unwavering, or firm love surrounds me. It surrounds you too if you trust in the Lord. No matter what anyone does or says to me hopefully I can be comforted in the fact that I am surrounded by a love that never weakens. A love that will always stay as strong as the day it got there. A love with an eternal guarantee.


"The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it,
the world, and those who live in it;" Psalm 24:1

I am also somewhat struggling with an idol. We know idols are not real. There are not actually other gods in this universe, and yet we still put tangible things in God's place in our thoughts and hearts, at least I know I do. Yesterday Prabha asked us to think of that one thing that we always, always stumble over no matter where we are (at least I think he asked us to do that) and the only thing that came to my mind of course was men. Men, men, men. Everywhere I go men take over my life. Mostly because I allow that to happen. I cannot figure out how to stop it from happening. It just happens and I wrestle with it the entire length of any season of my life. Then, when the wrestling is over and I take one sigh of relief, another man comes waltzing into my life and the cycle starts all over again. Dear Lord Jesus. BUT in spite of all that I was put a little at ease this morning being reminded that all the people who live in the world belong to the Lord. Even the men I struggle with. They are no better than any other man I have developed any sort of feelings for. They are the same as the j-hole I have wanted to sic my 5 brothers on, and the same as my wonderful dad who has the biggest heart of any man I've ever known. I can look at every man now and hopefully worry less about everything because they are God's just as I am God's. God will lead the right man to me some day. This is a promise he gave me during DTS, and you'd think I would find confidence in this promise and not fall in love everywhere I go, but it is hard to shake the way I've acted my entire life. I don't have to worry about not ever getting married, so now I should be concerned about things of the Lord, right? Right? I am human, I have desires. This is my biggest struggle in life, and I pray God heals me of this desire to always have someone I am twitter-pated by. I just want it to be God.