Go away from my window.

Feelings. Why must we have them? I hate them sometimes. I like them sometimes. Right now I hate them.

I had a dream two nights ago that was a little frightening. Do you ever have dreams where someone or something bad is after you and you suddenly cannot talk? As hard as you try to call for help or say anything you just can't get anything out. Like your throat stops working. I had another one of those dreams last night, but i was about to take a bath and suddenly heard someone say my name quietly, then all of a sudden this shadow jumped out at me and said my name again and I tried to say "Jesus Christ" over and over but could not get it out.

On a lighter note...the band I am in played a show on Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday's show was awesome! It was at the neighbor's house of my nanny family. They had a huge end of Summer luau and there were a ton of people there and they loved us! It was our first paying gig. Hopefully not our last. Then, Sunday we played at the Underground Music Cafe. It was their 2 year anniversary and their last one ever. It was sad they're done cause that's pretty much the only place we play since Segue closed. Now we have nothing. Nowhere. Sunday's show wasn't as amazing cause we were all pretty tired and somewhat lethargic. Plus we were nervous for some strange reason. I attributed it all to the fact that we did not pray before we played.
I need more prayer in my life. Lots more.

I am trying to be like those confident women. You know the ones who you never hear utter a word about men. They always talk about God, their families, or work. Just life in general, but they never include the topic of "men". I am going to try to eliminate "men" from my vocabulary. I want to be one of those confident women. Ones who don't care so much how others, especially men, perceive them.

I'm finding myself wanting to become inredibly passionate about Christ, but lacking the motivation to do so.

I Don't Want to Waste Your Time

I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need
Why should I autograph the book
That you won’t even read
I’ve got a different scar for every song
And blood left still to bleed
But I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around
I love to laugh but I’m more than just
Your alcoholic clown
I won’t pray this prayer with you
Unless we both kneel down
I don’t wanna waste good wine
If you won’t stick around

Come on lighten up
Let me fill your cup
I’m just trying to imagine a situation
Where we might have a real conversation

But I don’t wanna waste the words
That you don’t seem to need
When it comes to wanting what’s real
There’s no such thing as greed
I hope this night puts down deep roots
I hope we plant a seed
‘Cause I don’t wanna waste your time
With music you don’t need

The Devil's in the details

I feel like I am slowly, very slowly, drifting. Drifting on a sea of nothing and nowhere. I want to go somewhere. I want to do something.

I went on a blind date last weekend. Ha! I guess it's just one of those things you've always wanted to do until you actually do it, then you never want to do it again. Funny story I can tell later on in life. Those are always good to have. You can never have too many humorous moments in life. I feel like I don't have enough!

Over the Rhine released a new album yesterday. It is amazing. I don't know what I would do without them in my life. All thanks to a good old friend a long time ago I have a forever favorite band. I only pray I can end up like Karen and her husband. The two sole members of Over the Rhine. A man and his wife in love doing what they love...and they're damn good at it!

I'm ready for a vacation even though I haven't done anything to deserve one. I sure feel like I need one though.

I want to feel close to Him again. I remember feeling like I was dancing with Him once. That was amazing. I'm not much of a dancer...especially a slow dancer, but if it's with Him. Heck, I'd try the waltz! The tango! Whatever, as long as it's with Him. I am jealous of friends who are doing something with their lives in other places in the world. I would be fine with living here if I was doing something that mattered. I suppose even the small things do matter, but I don't feel like I'm even trying. Not that I must do good works in order for my eternity to be spent in paradise, but I should want to do great things becaues I love Him. Why don't I want to do good things enough to actually try? Maybe if I weren't an American. Speaking of which I have to sing the one song I hate singing, the National Anthem, soon at a soccer game. My dream has come true and I am so sick of this country I'm singing for. But what can I do to change it...to pioneer in this country? I do not know and He's not telling me anything.

Is it any surprise that you feel so overrun?

Oh how I am so excited to fly 2.5 hours East this evening.
Oh how I am so excited to see my Spaceman once again.
Oh how I am so excited to get away from this place I call "home".
Oh how I am going to miss my family.
Oh how I am so confused by one person in this life. Only one.
Make that two. Two people in this life confuse me.
Three if you want to get technical.
Four actually if you want to get super technical.
But three of them are the same person, so it's back to two.
Two people in this life confuse me.

Here I am sitting in Dunn Bros. on Grand Ave. I just ran into my CBB. What an odd coincedence! I am drinking the ever-so-lovely Iced Coffee with two packets of Splenda. It's my signature drink of choice at the moment. Cold Press, Iced Coffee, or Iced Americano. Depending upon which coffee shop I choose to go to.

I splurged a little bit yesterday. Not as much as I could have, but more than I should have.

I haven't been reading anything lately. I was going to bring a book to read on the plane, but forgot, and now all I have is a stupid worldly magazine I can look at while listening to music. What music will I listen to on the plane? I don't know yet. I have a feeling it'll be sappy. Probably Over the Rhine. They seem to be my flight music of choice. I could potentially warm up to my new Ben Folds Live album I recently purchased but never listen to, but I rather prefer the familiar to the foreign when it comes to uncomfortable things like flying. I hate flying.

Since I'm in St. Paul. I might have to get Cafe Latte for lunch! I love that place. Or perhaps Bread and Chocolate...since I've never been and have always wanted to go.

man, my computer is dusty.

I hope Idaho doesn't get lost on his way to Super Target.

Well, that's all for now I suppose. I'm going to check some more things on here...like what the weather will be like when I arrive in Connecticut tonight. Pray that it's beautiful tomorrow because it's going to be my final day on this earth. I'd like to die on a beautiful day. At least I'll go out with The Spaceman at my side and there will most likely be a great news headline, "Woman dies in gruesome Hellovator ride disastor at Six Flags theme park."

Welp, wish me luck, I bid you all a'dou, farewell, and stay classy Minneapolis/St. Paul!

I'm so depressed I can't even eat.

Oh Lord my God, if I have done this,
if there is wrong in my hands,
if I have repaid my friend with evil
or plundered my enemy without cause,
let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it,
and let him trample my life to the ground
and lay my glory in the dust.

Psalm 7:3-5

Take this sinking boat and point it home you've still got time...

I am so ridiculous. I do not have a crush on you. Silly boy. Why must I do this to myself over and over, time and time again. Set myself up for disappointments. It's the story of my life that's for sure. I always start being interested because I think they might possibly like me. It really is exciting until they don't do anything about it so then I think I'm not good enough when I'm totally good enough. It's probably them that's not good enough for me. I mean I know for a fact this one would be not so great of an idea to get romantically involved with, but I'm a girl and anyone who pays any attention to me is automatically put on the long list of boys I have had crushes on. Ahhh, how pathetic I truly am. I truly am pathetic I'll have you know. I bite my fingernails. I don't like touching people. My hands must always be clean. I have to sleep with the window shade open. I really don't know what to say around you, but I will tell you my entire history with men if you ask. I'll share my problems and my struggles and my favorites. It's weird ya know? I won't just volunteer information, but if you only ask I'll tell you everything. Too much even. I'm weird like that. Always have been. So I guess what I'm trying to say is just ask me questions. I'll talk. Now it's sounding as if I want you to have a crush on me. I know that won't happen so why get my hopes up...besides you're no good for me, or I'm no good for you. Either way we wouldn't work. It'd be awkward. That's for sure. I mean it would be amazing at first. It always is. It would be awkward when it stops working and we're no longer happy. Then we'll have to see each other all the time and well, it just wouldn't work. I'll just keep telling myself that until it sinks in and I no longer feel the need to impress you.

Why should I write about new dresses and things. Things, things, things. Stuff, stuff, stuff. Food, food, food. Drink, drink, drink. I am all the things I'm not supposed to be. Though I can't help it because I am a human being. There's no way I'll never struggle with everything I am struggling with now, yet for some reason that doesn't keep me from trying. I haven't given up yet, and even though I know I'll always sin I still push onward in hopes I'll get a glimpse of satisfaction. Just a glimpse of happiness. Just a glimpse of your face. That's really all I need. One look at you and I'll be alright.You said, "ask and you will receive..." so may I ask you something? May I please see you? Tonight if it's what you want. May I hear your voice? Just once. Your real voice. Audibly. Also, may you please open some doors for me? Provide me with money? Take away this cowardly heart? Make me noble and valiant? How about taking off some of this excess weight? That would be awesome. Also, could you please change my brother's heart? Could you speak to him also? Could you make him uncomfortable so he looks for you? May you please put hope in the hearts of my close friends? Peace as well? Will you give me songs to sing? New ones? Beautiful ones? Will you please bless my parents? Take away their anxieties and worries? Give them peace?

I wish that I could live life without doubts, fears, confusion, sadness, but would life really be any fun then? Probably not. No surprises. No ups and downs. It's the downs that make the ups so damn perfect! Nothing in this life would seem perfect if there wasn't hell before it. I guess I am thankful for all the mess of this world because it makes the good seem better and the imperfect, perfect. There wouldn't be any good news if there were no bad news.

I hope that I loved you more today than yesterday, and not as much as I'm going to love you tomorrow.

The last time I saw Jesus I was drinking bloody marys in the South.

Dear Lord Jesus, God Almighty! Why must I be this way? How is it I am so quiet and soft-spoken around him but as soon as he leaves I can call a different guy and talk to him a mile a minute and tell him all the things I wanted to say to the first guy but didn't cause I'm such a RETARD and so is the first guy because he didn't bring it up! Aghh. All I want is to be noble. I am so far from that. All I want is to be valiant. I am so far from that. I just want to say it like it is! I want to speak my feelings. Speak my mind. I don't want to hesitate anymore. I feel like I'm quenching the Spirit. There's a reason I should speak up. There's a reason we shouldn't be doing this, but I'm not going to say anything cause I'm a pansy and incredibly foolish! I don't want to be a fool anymore. I want to be a fool for Christ, but not just a fool. I don't want to fall in love with every boy I meet. I don't want to eat all the food I see. I don't want to stay up past a reasonable bed time cause I'm blogging. Just before bed time is the WORST time to blog anyway, all my emotions run wild and don't care who shows its ugly head and when. A lot of self-pity, self-doubt, shame, and self-hate comes out of rants and raves like these at 10:52 PM.

I am officially done with these pity party blogs. I am not a child anymore. I am an adult. I am a woman. I am valuable. I am precious. I am valiant. I am noble. I am wise. I am scandalous. I am creative. I am intelligent. Yes, even I am beautiful. Radiant. Captivating. Sharp. Bright. Totally awesome. Witty. Compassionate. Peaceful. Soothing. Encouraging. I am not my own. I do not belong to me. I belong to Jesus. I belong to the man who created me and loves me perfectly. The Man who never leaves my side...no matter what I do to push him away. He doesn't even budge! Why do I feel like I need a human when I can have God? When I have God? God has me. I am His and His alone. It always comes back to that.

Thanks for reminding me!

xoxo