Constant Knot

What to do.
I have a lot of thinking to do.
That's what to do.
I just want to be told what to do.
Isn't that what You do?
How will I know what to do?
What exactly is it I am supposed to do?
I just don't know what to do.
I am confused about what to do.
It is night however and thinking about this is the last thing I should do.
I'm really wrestling with what to do.
Tell me what to do.

Well I'm off chasing my own dreams...

I cannot decide if I'm falling in love or if I'm just simply loving the fact that someone loves me. He really cares about me. He really does love me. He really does make me laugh. He really is a sweetheart. He looks out for me. He keeps me in check with my heart. He makes me noodles when I'm sick. He apologizes for not responding to an SMS. He gave me his bandanna while he's gone for the week. He wrote a song for me. He calls me every night. He gives me space when I need it without asking questions. He's happy just to see me from across the room. He likes the real me, even though I haven't quite showed that to him yet. He has the greatest memory in the world which really compliments my lack of memory. He told me he wants me to be the last girl he kisses. The last girl he calls "his". The last girl he loves. How can I comprehend the way he loves me when I do not even love myself. Girls still struggle with loving themselves even when they're being pursued and truly loved by a man. This is what I always wanted, and I thought this would make my self-image struggles melt away, but I realize now that the only person that can cause me to love myself is God, and also myself. No one else can help me see who I truly am through God's eyes but us. Me and God. He is my true Love. My one true Father who loves me perfectly, clearly, truly, honestly, steadfastly, never-ending, never-failing, righteous, holy, pure, amazing, beautiful love. That's how my God loves me.


So I'll cross my heart
And hope to die
Before I have a chance to lie
To you my dear
Who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray before too long
So please just listen when I sing this song
I sing this song

Come with me, my Love to the sea, the sea of love

The cat is out of the bag. Well, the cat has been revealed to one person, and it is turning into a wonderful thing. That person really likes this cat and they told us they would love to help this cat out in any way possible. I am afraid of this cat. It's a little intimidating and it makes me nervous when I am around it, but the fact that this person is so willing to help us out with this feline comforts me a little and makes me a little more at ease around this cat, knowing there are two more people to ask questions and speak with about taking care of this animal.

Now, I never wanted an Indian cat. I don't even like cats actually, but this cat is different. This cat is growing on me and is quite endearing. This cat has been around for a long time. Ever since I first came to India I noticed this cat, but we both simply did not pay any attention to each other. In fact there was this other animal that took all my attention. A very cute dog who loved to play the same games as me and reminded me of home. However, I think the dog lost interest and I was quite depressed for awhile. I longed to play with the dog again and care for it, but this dog just wouldn't have it.

One day a friend came to me with a bag and told me to look inside, but I couldn't tell anyone what I saw. So I opened this bag and there was that familiar cat that has always been there from the very beginning, but never paid any attention to me, and I left it alone as well. Suddenly this cat wanted to be a big part of my life and I thought so hard about this cat. I prayed about this cat. I prayed for the cat even. I even told my mother about the cat! I remember when I first came to this country I specifically told myself and everyone around me that I would never play with cats. Never. I have always been drawn to dogs, and dogs were so nice and more independent than cats. Cats were too needy and you have to clean up after them, plus they shed a lot and there are tiny pieces of them all over the house, your clothes, even in your mouth sometimes. Darn cats.

I am afraid the same thing will happen with this cat as with all the other dogs. For some reason I am still in the dog mind-set even though this is clearly not a dog. Because of this I am nervous, scared, and quiet. But also, because this is a cat, I have been more open, real, and raw.

My only hope is that this feline survives longer than three months. I really do. The dogs have only stuck around for short lengths of time. I hear cats live longer than dogs. I hope the rumor is true.

I'm going to learn to love without fear.

I'm finding myself being the most ridiculous person I have ever been. In a sense my life has been more ridiculous than this, but I just look around me and the thought comes to my mind, "how on earth did I get to this exact moment in time?" Here I am sitting in a building in India watching a band of guys all from Nagaland practice music. 6 months ago I had never even heard of Nagaland, and that word does not even register in my spellcheck! It is so wonderful though how many people there are out there in this world that I have not met yet, but as soon as I do I will not be able to picture my life without them in it.

It's funny how life's situations seem to mirror Biblical stories. I am suddenly reminded to remember my first love like Christ tells Ephesus in the Revelation of Jesus Christ. But this situation actually isn't to remember Christ as my first love, but to remember my first love when I came to India. Who did I first fall in love with here? How is it I have come to a place where someone is, without even knowing it, potentially taking place of my first love in India. Do I stay true to my first love who to this day has never been so frank with me? Do I give this new guy any hope at all? I need to be very careful here. I have broken many hearts in my day, and what is to come of this? We're already at the point where a heart will be broken.

I think I've been living in a dream the past week. This past week, in very unexpected ways, all my dreams seem to be coming true. Like, after a few weeks of doom and depression, suddenly things are all fitting together, I am very wary of this though, but who am I to question good things? Praise the Lord these things are happening, and I am happy that he is such a powerful God, and he truly is on the throne. He is in control of my life. He is in control of my friend's life. He has brought us here together for some reason. Some reason unknown to me at this moment.

I am a bit confused and baffled. You might say I'm bewildered. It's a happy confusion of course. How can one not be happy in a situation like this? But, what to do? All these questions I never had to think about before are coming up like, could I live in this country forever? This seems to be an even bigger commitment than any other one I've ever had to consider. Of course it would be. How is it these guys can be so forward and serious? Where is this coming from? Why is this happening? This cannot possibly be happening. This is why I think it's all a dream. Can you really fall in love with me without even knowing me? Do you really think I'm "that woman?"

Oh God, hold me now.
Oh God, let me be okay with this only if it is your will.
Oh God, don't let my feelings lead me.
Oh God, make me completely honest.
Oh God, calm my mind.
Oh God, calm my heart.
Oh God, hold me now.

I'm a new soul

Dear Lord Jesus, why is this happening to me? Now I know there aren't many times I ask you this question, but this is one of those times. I'm not expecting any answer because that's the answer I usually get in difficult situations. How is this situation difficult? I'd tell you, but you're omniscient. I already wrote it all out in another journal for you. Oh my goodness gracious.

Summer breeze makes me feel fine blowing through my mind

I no longer worry about not passing this season of my life. However, it is much harder at this very moment to think this is really where God wants me. Maybe I came to the wrong place to take this school? Every day just gets harder and harder. Not assignment-wise, but culture-wise. People-wise. Food-wise.
I realize this could all very well have to do with that enemy who knows me so well. For that reason I will not abandon my first Love. I will never abandon my first Love.

I am a whore I must confess
I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle to you

So, after a night to think this all through, I feel like perhaps my walls are tumbling down just as Jericho's walls did. All coming down at one time and I don't know how to react or what to do. I am feeling every emotion at different moments, in small spurts.

Be courageous and strong, Darling.
Be courageous and strong.

To the bottom, Dear, I had to fall

Tropical Icebergs suddenly have no flavor.
I hate crying in front of people.
Rejoice! Again I must rejoice!
How can I rejoice?
I want to lie in my bed all day, not moving, or even breathing.
I want to lay next to you my Dear.
In silence like Job and his friends.
Don't let my heart harden.
This is my year of hope which happened to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
Rejoice! I must rejoice.
I will not question the "why's."
Bitterness will only infiltrate my being.
Who wants that?
O, My God, how you love your servant!
Emotions seem to be all I have left in me.
My body is broken and weary.
My mind is completely blank.
Rejoice! Again, I say rejoice!
I cannot help but take interest in my own future.
If that Devil is trying me now,
how much more will my Father use me in this hopeful year?
Comfort is found in a band of horses.
I must lay my honey on the altar.
Honey, you really are the sweetest thing I ever saw.
I long to be with you, I truly do.
Rejoice, I know it's hard, rejoice!
Be strong. I'll be weak in your place.
But it's okay to be weak. I'll be strong for you.